//------------------------------// // The Thin Line Between (Ecstasy and Fear) // Story: Tainted Gifts // by Touch of Darkness //------------------------------// For a while, I thought of leaving. To where, I didn’t know, but anything to get away from Applebloom. I was afraid of her connection to me. Never before had anyone meant that much to me that fast. Even Terrance, who I adored, had gone through a month of me being an ass before I finally warmed up to him. Applebloom, on the other hand, had gained my respect and trust in two days. Maybe it was her compassion, maybe it was her welcoming smile. Maybe it was the fact that innocence practically manifested itself in her, as it did with Terrance. “Wait.”, I thought aloud, and stopped walking. I was somewhere in the town, a small residential area by the looks, but that wasn’t what had stopped me. Another puzzle piece in the massive puzzle of my life had fallen into place. I pondered for a second, teetering just on the edge of epiphany, before a realization hit me from behind and knocked me over that edge. I myself grew a little unstable, reveling in my realization. I had admitted in my own thoughts that Applebloom emanated the same kind of innocence that Terrance did. However, I had hit a wall when I had also remembered that it took me a month to see that in Terrance. I chuckled, and continued on my little walk. “Well, you certainly are brain dead from time to time, aren’t ya?”, I scoffed, jokingly mocking myself. I had seen the innocence in Terrance, and since I had known what it looked like, or felt like, or however the hell I detected it, I had spotted it almost instantly in Applebloom, which would explain why I had trusted her so fast. I felt a little rush of blood to my cheeks as I smiled, and though my cheeks hurt from it, it felt natural. However, the smile didn’t last long. My little discovery had not solved the main issue at hand. It still had to make the decision to run away from the life that Applebloom was trying so hard to give me. I thought about my options and their outcomes, and I broke into a cold sweat. “If I leave, there is a chance that she will be fine, but I won’t be there to protect her if something should happen. However, if I stay, she is in constant danger, and my protection might one day be not enough.” I sighed, and clenched my hands into fists. I was usually good at this stuff. Making tough decisions had never been a problem for me. Then again, never had I ever made a tough decision where the life of an innocent child, teen or not, had been on the line. Then, I had a flashback so powerful that it rocked me to the ground. I am standing over a grave. It is bland, small, inconspicuous. There is nothing but a name and a date of death written on it. The date of death reads March 20th, 2019, and the name reads Marshall Adams. I kneel down in front of the grave and lay down a white rose, which is spotted in blood from me clenching it too hard. It doesn’t matter, I realize as I get up. I feel like my heart has been ripped away from me, and nothing but regret and self-loathing courses through me as I walk away. After the flashback had passed, I could only sit and try in vain to breathe normally. The message was quite clear to me. I hadn’t been there for Marshall. I could have saved him, if only I had stayed with him. His death was the reason I got involved with contract killers. His death had made me stoop low. If he could do that to me, then what would Applebloom’s death do to me, if it happened? I may have had an ability that would make people consider me a demi-god, or even a god, if they found out about it, but I was still human, and a human can only go so low before they can’t take it anymore. So, my mind was made up. I was staying. However, one thought crossed my mind as I walked back to the farm, and it stuck. What do I do now? By the time I got back to the barn, the sun was rising into the sky. I walked inside, and then upstairs to Applebloom’s room. I opened the door, but didn’t walk in. I simply stood in the doorway and watched Applebloom. She was still asleep, her chest rising and falling slowly as she breathed deep and calm breaths. I knew I had made the right choice coming back, but seeing her innocent form sleeping so peacefully almost made me reconsider. I walked over to bed, and after a moment of consideration, got on it. I reclined against the backboard and let my eyes close in thought. Applebloom, apparently sensing my presence in her sleep, nuzzled up close to me. My stomach clenched, and my heartbeat skipped a little. However, as uncomfortable as her touch made me, I let her be. I would have liked to tell myself it was simply because she was asleep, but I knew that it was much more than that. Somewhere, there was a hole in my heart that needed to be filled by a friend, by a companion. Without Terrance, the hole had re-opened, but Applebloom had potential to fill that hole like Terrance had. In fact, in the two days I had known her, she had already began filling that hole. It was kind of scary, the rate at which I accepted her presence in my heart, but it was also brought me some kind of solace, some kind of ecstasy. It almost made me giddy knowing that there was someone in this hectic and strange world that wholeheartedly accepted me for who I was, and could console my most secret fears and deepest sorrows just by being around me. Even Terrance couldn’t surmount to that. “Ugh...huh?”, I heard Applebloom murmur. I looked down at her, and she looked up at me. Her eyes went wide, and she moved quickly away from me. “Cerus! I-I’m sorry! I didn’t-” “It’s okay Applebloom.”, I replied, cutting her off. She cocked her head in confusion. “R-really?” “Yeah, don’t worry about it.” I saw a look of relief in Applebloom’s eyes. Then, I was the one to feel the relief when she made the conscious decision not to get close to me again. I felt my stomach unknot, and my heart began to beat normally once more. There was a long silence after that. Applebloom was the one to finally break it. “Cerus, I have something to ask you. I was thinking about it all last night.” I looked into Applebloom’s eyes. She flinched, but recovered much quicker than before. “Go for it.” “Though I’d love for us to live our secret little life, with Applejack completely oblivious to your presence here, but we both know that can’t last forever. So, I am giving you another decision to make.” “Okay?” “You can leave this place, and go fare for yourself out in the world once again, or you can prepare to reveal yourself to Applejack after she gets home.” My eyes went wide. “Are you crazy? That mare will probably gut me and throw my innards to...uh...do you have anything around here that wouldn’t mind eating pieces of fifteen year old boy?” “We have Timber Wolves...though I have never personally witnessed them eat a pony or a human, or even meat for that matter.” “Good enough for me. She’ll probably feed me to them, and I probably won’t even have the decency of being served on a silver platter.” “You won’t know until you try.” “And what of you, then?” “Pardon?” “What of you when she finds out that you have been hiding me here for close to a week?” “I’m sure she will be fine with that.” “That was a joke, right?” “Well, given that we both know her reaction to finding you in the storage room, I think we both know her reaction will be much worse knowing that you have been sleeping under my bed. So yes, it was a joke.” I didn’t know whether to scowl or glare at her smart-ass remark. To my surprise, I kept myself from doing either. “So you are obviously not worried about the consequences.” “I don’t know anything she can do that she hasn’t already done to me. I’m not scared. She’s predictable.” “So it really is up to me here.” “Yes.” “Damn you.” “Quit yer yabbering and give me an answer.” “I think...I think that I need to think on it.” “There isn’t much to think about Cerus.” “Well, if she reacts badly, I am going to have to leave this place.” “Your other option is to leave anyway.” “Yeah...but I can still hide…I’m good at it…” “Why are you so dead set on staying here?” “This is the only place I could really call home.” Applebloom’s eyes softened, and she blinked a couple times. “Considering it home after a couple days? Doesn’t that sound strange to you?” “No.” “How does it not?” “I have a place to sleep, I have the basic necessities, and I trust that I can safely stay here and just live a normal life...well, normal-ish.” “And if I were to change my mind and suddenly tell you to leave this place, then what?” “How could I ever learn to trust again if one of only a few things I most deeply cherished and trusted backstabbed me?” I saw the pit form in Applebloom’s stomach through her eyes. I analyzed what I had said and realized I had unconsciously included the part about cherishing her. I felt my face go flushed, and I had to look away. “You...you trust me? You cherish me?” For a couple seconds, I couldn’t talk, and the only noises in the room at that moment were the sound of both Applebloom’s and I’s hammering hearts.” “Yes, I do.” “Ch-cherish me?” I nodded. I think she tried to ask why, but it only came out as a breathless squeak. “You are the only one in my life who has ever been able to console me in a time of distress. Plus, you let me in, even when I had given you reasons not to. You treat me like a normal living being. You talk to me like a friend, trust me like a friend. You see a brighter side in me when there is only darkness to be seen. For the first time in my life, I feel like I have a true friend.” “Cerus...I…” I took one of her hooves into my hands, flinching when she held them back. “I left last night, and took a walk. I thought about a running away. I didn’t know where I would go or what I would do, but anything to get away from you.” “Get away from me?” “From the moment you took me into this house, I have worried about your safety. I have not lived a very safe life, and very often it has come back to haunt me.” “But you are safe here. I know it!” “Applebloom, I had family scattered all over the world. Now, I am down to two family members, a cousin and an aunt.” Applebloom’s eyes went wide. “Just because I live a secret life doesn’t mean I am completely hidden. All those relatives that are dead were mostly hunted down and murdered by people trying to get to me. My cousin and aunt are halfway around the world, in another country. I sent them there to protect them from my enemies. If my enemies can track down my entire family across this damn country, what says they won’t me find here? Better yet, how do we know they haven’t already? I kill living, breathing humans and ponies, Applebloom. Most of them have power, and those that do will do everything they can to make sure that they live on. These people I kill are not against hurting children, so long as they know it gets to me. If they find you, they will hurt you to find me, and if you give them nothing, they will dispose of you, like a piece of worthless trash. Frankly, I can’t take that Applebloom. Everything you have done for me in the past two days has put you high on a pedestal in my eyes. I have lost everyone who has ever meant something to me, except you. If I lose you, I don’t think I will be able to go on anymore.” “I won’t let them bring me down.” “Applebloom, your hooves mean nothing to their knives and guns and poisons.” “I don’t need to fight. Not when I know that there is someone in this world that cares for me.” I felt the breath get knocked out of my stomach. The conversation had gone from serious to near intimate very quickly. “Knowing that you need me alive, I will do everything I can to stay alive. For you, it is the least I can do.” Those last words gave me the strength to look into her eyes again. “What could you possibly owe me? I have done nothing but bring trouble to your life.” “You gave a point to keep living through Applejack’s harassment. As long as you are here, I know that there is someone I can take comfort in talking to. Someone whose mere presence puts me at ease.” This was too much for me. I couldn’t listen to the sweet, beautiful words coming out of her mouth anymore. She was getting too attached to me. If I let her do that, I would only let her down, or even worse, I would be her demise. I had to go. I had no choice. I got off the bed, and backed towards the door, and as I did, I felt my blood pumping a coldness through my body. “Cerus?” “Too close...too close…”, I choked out, breathless. Then, I darted out the open door, down the stairs, and out of the house.. Once outside, I headed towards the giant forest I had taken note of when I had first ended up here. I sprinted into it, letting the darkness of the canopy envelop me. I kept my footing for a good amount of time before I finally misstepped and tripped on a root that was sticking out of the ground. The coldness that had been coursing through my body suddenly invaded every vessel, ever blood cell. I hit the ground, and let out an inhuman scream, something deep and threatening and primal. I began to spasm on the ground, and everything went black. Then there was a voice, quiet but audible. Chaos and control are finally one… When my senses finally returned to me, I wasn’t in the forest anymore. Rather, I was in a vast room. It was lit only by the moonlight coming in through a massive window. I heard a sound, something like a little squeak, and my eyes focused on a pony, huddled against a crystal wall of the room. My eyes darted over the pony like lighting, taking in every part of its body, trying to identify it. The name hit me like a rock. “T-Twilight?”, I asked, my voice quivering. I found a innate awe and fear manifesting inside me as I realized I was in the presence of the princess to be. I began to shake a little as I questioned why I was inside the princess’s house, and why I couldn’t remember getting here. Then, I heard another sound, a sound like rattling parts. It was coming from my outstretched arm. I looked at it, and then gasped in surprise. I was holding a gun, cocked and ready to murder the princess. I dropped it, and backed away. A million thoughts ran through my head, none of them pleasant. Where had I found the gun? Why did I want to kill the princess? How did I even get into her house? Why wasn’t she using her magic to stop me? “You dropped your gun…”, Twilight said, her voice fearful but still eerily calm. “Not mine…”, I croaked. “If you are going to kill me, just get it over with.” I walked over to the gun, and she closed her eyes in what I could only guess was prayer. I took the clip out of the gun, dumped the bullets, and then threw the parts across the room. “Not...my intentions...need to go…” Twilight’s eyes opened, and I saw tears in them, either of relief or despair. “If those weren’t your intentions then why did you come here with a gun? If those aren’t your intentions, then why haven’t I been able to use my magic since you got here?” “I don’t know. I don’t how I got here. I don’t know what I am doing. Everything is black for sometime. Last thing I remember is being in the forest. I tripped and fell, and then…” Twilight let out a nervous, incredulous laugh. “I don’t know whether to believe you or not.” “I disassembled the damn gun! What more could you want in proof that I don’t intend to kill you?” “Then why can’t I use my magic?” “I don’t know!” I was beginning to panic as I began to understand what was going on. Truths were slowly turning into lies. I did know why she couldn’t use her magic. I didn’t want to accept what I knew, but I knew it to be true. My panic was apparently carrying over to the princess, whose eyes had become a little wild, and no less fearful. “You’re scaring me kid.” Her voice cracked a little. Cracked… It dawned on me. I had cracked. My hormone had, for the first time since I discovered I incubated it inside my body, taken complete control of me. With it in control, I could no longer hinder it’s power. Using it to its greatest extent, it shut off the power house that was the magic inside Twilight, something I don’t think anyone thought possible to such an extent. It was amazing...but it was also terrifying. “I’m scaring me…”, I replied. Then, I delved deep into my mind, where I knew I would find the bond that linked my mind with Twilight’s, and cut it. Twilight, sensing her magic return to her, did something so illogical that it actually caught me off guard. In a flash, the gun had been completely re-assembled, and before I could react, two bullets had been fired off. Luckily, the princess did not have the truest aim, as one bullet completely missed me. However, the other buried itself in my shoulder, and I hissed in pain, dropping to the ground. It was a smart move, as the princess had not expected this and wasted a couple more shots on nothing before her mind caught up with her eyes. It was too late at that point, however. I had already gotten up and scrambled away, running down the corridors of the house until I finally found what could only be the front door. I blasted out into the night, and kept running. For now, the pain in my shoulder was inconsequential to the real matter at hand: finding the barn. At this point, it was my only chance. As much as I loathed going back to that place, that place where too many emotions had built up, it was my only option. Twilight would be looking for me. She wouldn’t tell the public that I had spared her life. I saw the whole news-story play out: A boy with green eyes and fair skin attempted to murder Twilight in her sleep last night. Luckily, our princess to be is too smart to fall to scum like him, and sent him scurrying into the night. If you know this boy, turn him in at once. Or something along those lines. The only place I would be safe was somewhere where I knew I wouldn’t be found or turned in, and that was with Applebloom. She would keep me safe, but at what cost? I finally found my way back to the barn at around one in the morning, if I were to guess. When I got there, I found a couple pebbles scattered around, and picked them up. I walked to the side of the house where Applebloom’s room was, and aiming precisely, threw the small pebbles at her window. I ducked out of sight. “Hello?”, Applebloom called tiredly into the night. With the knowledge that she was awake, I went to the front door and tapped lightly on it. I waited a coupled minutes, and then the door opened, revealing a haggard Applebloom. Her eyes went wide when she saw me. “Cerus? Is that you?” “Unfortunately.” Applebloom let out a muffled cry of joy, and charged out of the door at me. She jumped and knocked me over, and proceeded to wrap her hooves tightly around me. I heard her begin to sob. “D-don’t do th-that ever agai-ain!”, she stammered, crying into my jacket. “I’m sorry. It needed to be done.” Applebloom’s eyes looked into mine. “Why? Why did you have to leave like that?” “Why do you care?” “Answer me! I deserve an answer!” “You were getting too attached to me.” “Too attached?” “Applebloom, I need you to listen carefully. My life makes it unsafe for you to be around me. Now, when you first brought me here, you said you would give me a safe haven no one else would. Did you really mean it?” “Of course!” “Then I need you to prove it to me now.” “How?” “I messed up. Something happened, I don’t know what. When I left here earlier today-” “Today? Cerus, you left four days ago.” I went silent. Four days gone to blackness. Four days that I didn’t know what I had been doing. I felt a shiver go down my spine. “When I left, I went into the forest and blacked out. When I woke up, I was in Twilight’s house, and I was pointing a gun at her. I woke up ready to assassinate her. We had a very confusing conversation, after which she took the gun with her magic and shot me.” Applebloom gasped. “Where!?” “In my shoulder, but don’t worry about it now. It’s the least of our worries.” “Then what our biggest?” “You know how I told you those goons would be chasing me, and you were in danger?” “Yes.” “Well, now Twilight’s and Celestia’s followers will be after me as well. Twilight won’t tell anyone I spared her life. The only thing she will say was how I tried to murder her, and Applebloom, she had a good, long look at me. Soon, everyone in this town will know my face only as a murderer.” “You can stay.” “Applebloom, think ab-” “I have thought, and I have decided. I am not going to let you get hunted down like a wild pig.” I sighed. “Are you sure?” “Yes, but on one condition.” “Yes?” “Promise that one day before we have to part ways you’ll tell me the whole truth about what happened earlier tonight.” “I did!” “Bullshit. I can see right through that lie Cerus. Don’t worry about it right now though. I’ll give you time to work up the guts to tell me what really happened, or work up the guts to face the world and your enemies.” I stared at her, awed by her ability to manipulate me like a piece of cloth. “Okay Applebloom. I promise I will tell you what happened when the time is right.” “At that time, I presume you will also tell me why you are scared by good dreams?” “I...yes.” “Then I am satisfied. Now come on in. Let’s take care of that gunshot wound.” She got off me, and walked toward the house. I followed her, and closed the door behind me. I sat by the window, watching the sky slowly brighten as night turned into day. Applebloom had fallen back to sleep after fixing up my wound. I could her soft breathing as she slept, and it brought me comfort. Someone was here with me, for me. As the sun rose above the horizon, I realized that it marked the beginning of a new life. It marked a time to forget about my killings, to forget about my rugged past. At the moment, it didn’t seem like I was leaving this place for quite a while, so it was better if I just accepted it for what it was going to be. I recalled a little poem that Terrance had said in one of his sage moments. “And I leave my worries in the night, and embrace the brand new day, for it brings light and warmth and joy, and by basking in it, can forget everything cold and dark.”, I recited aloud. I sighed, and then turned toward the bed. I walked to it, and slid under it and closed my eyes. It was time for my tired mind to rest, but my dreams only brought back those same words that had haunted me since I blacked out. Something, somewhere, had learned how to control me through my ability. Something evil and malevolent. Something that could reach me anywhere because it had tapped into my mind. For the first time ever, I felt not only scared, but also weak, open. Something could use me as its puppet, and I didn’t even know who or what it was. I woke up not much later that morning, tired, confused, and terrified. Something was here, and it was looking for me.