~Chapter 1~
- ...I'd Be Nice. Most of the Time. -
Love is in bloom! A beautiful bride, a handsome groom to heaaart! Becoming one! A bond that cannot be undone!
Show off. She needs a few more drinks because I've definitely heard better drinking songs.
Not that I'm jealous or anything. My Perfect Day Aria could hold its own, even at zero blood alcohol. Sure, I was probably just a liiiiittle tipsy on the few drinks of love I had at the time, but it was still an excellent number.
Oh, who am I kidding? Note to self, never drink-and-conquer, ever again.
This day could have been perfect...
I shook my head, clearing my head of those treacherous thoughts. Down that road madness lies. I sighed as I turned away from the scene of mirth and merriment in the palace gardens below. Ponies. Trust them to sing and dance to anything, even celebrating this day of battle, waltzing and foxtrotting across a bloodied battlefield.
I dropped my forehooves from where I had them hooked on the window sill to step onto the lush carpet flooring. I tilted my head this way and that as I gave the room we were teleported to a closer look.
At first glance, you would never have expected this to be the room of the Lunar Diarch, or any royal for that matter. Sure, it had a sturdy, well-built bed (upon which a very tired Willow Wisp was curled up, snoozing) and a cozy-looking fireplace, but that's where its concessions to its identity as Luna's bedroom ended. Otherwise, I probably would have thought myself trapped in the scene of a crime unto common decency (mind you, this is coming from a changeling).
The most striking feature was how almost every inch of wall was covered in pictures cut out of various books, magazines and newspapers. There were pictures of ponies in various settings, from playing sports and games, eating picnics to....uh....what is that stallion doing to that teapot? All of them were interestingly circled with a big red marker, helpfully labeling them all as 'FUN'. The stallion picture was annotated with, 'The Fun hath been doubled'.
On closer inspection, another wall seemed dedicated entirely to pictures of mares, particularly fashion clippings featuring various mane, tail, jewelry and dress styles. Another wall was dedicated to various modern appliances. There was a picture of a steam engine that was helpfully labelled, 'Train - Carries ponies and explodes'. Another featured a toaster similarly labelled, 'Toaster - Burns bread and explodes'. There was one of a flushable toilet labelled, 'Porcelain Throne - Fancy throne just like Tia's, also explodes'.
Should I be worried that this pony is my captor?
I was almost afraid to peer at her desk. At a glance it looked like a simple, almost innocent-looking desk of oak, simple and sturdy as was her bed. However on top of it was a little diorama of what looked like a grassy field with a starry background. On it was all the makings of what looked like a stargazing camp, with a few miniature telescopes and tents made of matchsticks set in a circle around a paper-origami fire. Around it were painstakingly carved and painted pony miniatures. A few I recognized instantly as the Elements of Harmony.
I had to resist the urge to stick the purple unicorn on Luna's seat, horn facing upwards. Or at least I tried. Honest. Oh, okay, I didn't try as hard as I could have. I do hope Luna finds it, and soon.
There was a large group of other pony miniatures around them and even a few improvised objects labelled with names. There was a cupcake labelled 'Tia', a sugarcube labelled 'Cadence', a cactus labelled 'Shining Prick-More' and a toilet brush labelled 'The Bearded'. At the centre of the circle, sitting on her rump with her forehooves held wide open in a gesture of embrace (or is it swandiving?), was a smiling miniature of what was unmistakably Luna herself. By her side was an unfinished miniature, barely the shape of a pony, labelled 'Personal Student'.
I surreptitiously peeled off the label for the toilet brush and impaled it on the dark blue alicorn's horn.
No permanent harm done. I'm getting better at this 'being a nice pony' thing. Practice makes perfect.
The whole picture was ruined somewhat by annotations written into the cardboard grass. 'Give tickets to Wonderbolt History lecture' was written beneath the miniature for the Element of Loyalty. 'Surprise by dressing up as her' for the Element of Laughter. 'Invite to Diamond Dog fashion day in Fillydelphia next week' for the Element of Generosity. 'Give Blue Ribbon from last year's rodeo competition that she missed' for the Element of Honesty. 'Invite to natural history museum's cute critters taxidermy exhibit next month' for the Element of Kindness.
Well, maladjusted as she seemed, at least she seems to plan things through. Which lends some confidence to her little scheme involving me.
Speaking of, I turned to the only mirror in the room. At least there was one, even if its frame was creepily plastered with pictures of smiling mares. I looked into it. A rather sheepish-looking snow-white mare peered back out at me through big, honest eyes that radiated demure innocence. Her mane was a sleek teal-green, silky and beautiful but left unstyled and natural. Her soft hooves were clean, but its fur just a little rougher where it was entirely smooth elsewhere, suggesting a life of honest physical labour. Even her tail and the fur on her back was just a little sun-bleached, suggesting she was a mare of sunny outdoor work, not one of shadows. All in all, the ideal earth pony mare, simple, down-to-earth, rough-around-the-edges, but with natural loveliness aplenty. Perfect for an earth pony farming community.
It is impressive what one could achieve when she isn't drunk out of her wits, if I do say so myself. I think I've done changelingkind's last chance some justice at least. I was so pleased I even allowed myself a little twirl to better admire my handiwork. Yes, if this were one of Luna's miniatures, she'd be labelled 'True Love'.
"Decent. Considering thy latest performance, We were thinking We would have to draw thee a picture of a pony with all four hooves labelled." A voice chuckled from the door.
Just how silent can she be? She's almost as good as an infiltrator. More importantly, how long has she been watching me? I couldn't help but blush a little at the embarrassing thought.
"Oh, We hath had the pleasure of watching from somewhere between the preening and the prancing." The princess of the night answered my unasked question. That did not help my blushing, not that she cared. "It pleases Us to see thee take this challenge seriously."
"It's not like you gave us all much of a choice." I sighed. "How long do we have to wait?"
"Just the night. You shall depart for Ponyville upon the morrow." She said. "After all, We must at least grace yon wedding with Our presence." The signs were subtle, but I could just about see her muscles fidget uneasily. She bit her lip as she looked out the window through which the sounds of festivities sailed through.
With some of my magic very generously restored by this very pony, I had regained my ability to sense the riotous colour, smell and taste of raw emotion. Hers at that moment was a cacophony of mud-textured uncertainty and purple-flavoured anxiety.
She? The would-be frost queen of the night, anxious? What in Tartarus could possibly cause her to falter so? Then my mind went to the little diorama. A smug little smile crept across my face. Ha, so even the princess of ponies isn't such a perfect pony. It is a changeling thing not to waste any opportunities to endear ourselves to others, even if I am admittedly a little out of practice at the art.
"Are you concerned about joining in the...." My mind darted to the wall behind me upon which the word 'FUN' was written very prominently, "...'fun'?" I asked.
"Concern of such a nature is below Us." She huffed, seemingly a little indignant. "But..." She faltered a little, ears drooping ever so slightly. "We have missed a considerable portion of it. One cannot be fashionably late without a fashionable reason. As such, We hath given said reason considerable thought."
"I see, you need an excuse to turn up late." I struggled to keep my face straight. Truthfully, she might do them a favour by not turning up at all, considering the state of her study on 'Fun'. "Well, I have nothing more interesting to do. Let me hear your ideas and I might be able to make a few suggestions." I offered. It's never amiss to try and be nice to your captor, even if you put purple-unicorn-traps on their seats behind their backs.
"Right! Thou art a born liar after all!" She clapped her front hooves together in agreement.
Only because honesty is a painful luxury and subversion is all that stands between us and death, but I kept that to myself. A privileged silver-spoon-fed pony like her would never understand.
"Well then, how about this?" She cleared her throat theatrically. "A hydra stole Our porcelain throne and We gave chase hither and tither! Did We miss anything?"
I was tempted to say 'yes', just to be able to watch the reactions from the other ponies from the window. But I was kind enough to give her an outright "No." Oh, I really am getting better at this whole 'nice pony' thing.
"But you see, We hath even worked out an interesting tale of how We were sitting upon the porcelain throne when the hydra came up through..." Luna went on.
"No. Just, no." I said, firmly.
To save you the pain of hearing the rest, let us just say the list of possible excuses somehow managed to get worse from there, one even involving a goat and a turntable. After a lot of smooth talking and a slightly more drunken fourth encore of that purple unicorn's song, I finally managed to convince her to simplify her arrival considerably.
"So We fly down and greet everypony with 'In a very casual and breezy tone, hello everypony, have I missed anything?'." Luna summarized, looking down at her hooves in obvious concentration.
"Yes, except you don't say the 'casual and breezy tone' bit." I said, as patiently as a minotaur in a fire station.
She crossed out something on her right front hoof with a quill gripped in her dark blue magic. "Perfection hath been attained! The breezy shall be doubled!"
"Good." I said wearily. "Have...uh...fun."
"We will!" She gave an excited giggle as she pranced over to the window. "Oh, and, Queen?"
"Yes, Moon-butt?" I asked, raising a quizzical eyebrow.
"Thank you." She said with a smile as she spread her wings open wide. Then, with a flying leap, she cleared the wide window sill and launched herself into the air on her mighty wings.
The smallest hint of warmth wafted through me. It was the flavour of sweet, mature blueberry nectar, strong but soothing. I frowned, looking about for its source. Surely the spell on Shining Armour had long since broken by now? Besides, his love tasted of coconuts. Then I noticed Willow twitch in her sleep, her little hooves fidgeting as if galloping in through her dreams. Ah, it must be her dreaming, about me perhaps?
I gave the matter no further thought. It had been a long day, too long perhaps, and I was more than eager to end it. Seeing as Luna had given me her room for the night, I might as well make ready for the day tomorrow.
Yes, tomorrow, everything begins anew. Tomorrow shall be perfect.