//------------------------------// // Episode One: The Game // Story: The Magical World of Button Mash // by redsquirrel456 //------------------------------// Rumble always liked lunchtime at school. It was nice to sit under the sun and let it warm his wings as he relaxed on the bench running along the schoolhouse wall and studied his schoolmates. The other foals were fascinating, each huddling into their own little groups with their own little goals and objectives. They came together, clashed, and fell apart again like colliding air currents. He got to see a microcosm of pony society while he ate the marmalade and peanut butter sandwich his older brother Thunderlane traditionally made for him. But today something was missing; another tradition that Rumble had taken part in since the day he moved to Ponyville and sat on this very bench. Where was Button Mash? The other colt was Rumble’s best friend and go-to playmate since kindergarten, the one pony with whom Rumble had shared more time and secrets than Thunderlane. They became so more from the fact that Rumble was the only pony who could stand being near Button rather than them having more in common than a love of video games and being shunned by the other foals as boring and weird. Usually the the background buzz of Button going on about his latest adventure in The Call of Warkill World or how he unlocked some secret combo in Vorpal Conflict for the umpteenth time would complement the pony-watching nicely. Today, Button wasn’t even visible on the playground even though they’d just been sitting next to each other in class ten minutes ago. Oh well. Button would show up sooner or later. The sun was nice and warm and the Cutie Mark Crusaders were livening things up with a demonstration of their next big plan, and Diamond Tiara was doing her best to put down Scootaloo’s new scooter tricks but Scootaloo was being totally cool as always and flipping her hair in that totally awesome way she learned from Rainbow Dash, because only a pony as cool as Scootaloo could have the Rainbow Dash as their mentor. Rumble pondered getting up and going over there since Button wasn’t around. He imagined himself standing up and smoothing back his mane with some mane gel he snuck out of Thunderlane’s bathroom. He saw himself strutting towards the other children, wings out and feathers perfectly preened, his fur coat glowing in the gentle bloom effect of his imagination. He watched his hoof take Scootaloo by the shoulder and spin her around in slow motion like Thunderlane did with mares when he wanted to sweep them off their hooves. Scootaloo’s mane billowed in a convenient breeze as she turned. Then he realized Scootaloo’s face was Button Mash’s and it was all bloodshot and crying and there was a dribble of snot running down his nose. “RUMBLE!” the abomination screamed. “AAAAH!” Rumble screeched, flinging his hooves into the air and his sandwich along with it as he pressed himself against the school wall. “Button! What’s the matter?!” “This is the worst day ev-er-herrr-herrrrr! You gotta help me!” Button moaned, grabbing Rumble by the shoulders. Rumble shuddered as he realized they were clammy and damp from being wiped across Button’s runny nose. “Um, uh, okay, don’t worry,” he said, lifting his nose to keep his face away from Button’s as the other colt fell into his chest. Button had a thing about hugging and being hugged when he was in emotional turmoil. “Just remember what I said about sharing your feelings: ‘It’s better to talk and give words a shot than cover your buddies in all your snot!’” “I can’t help iiiit!” Button groused. “It’s like the time when I finally made it to the last level of Grumpy Griffons and then Miss Cheerilee showed up out of nowhere and took away my Pony Pad!” Rumble scrunched his brow. “Wait, wasn’t that just last period? When we had the math test?” “I tried to tell her calculating trajectories to knock griffons off of stuff counted as math but she wouldn’t listen. And now I have nothing! Nothing to distract me from my grief! I’m just a child, I shouldn’t have to suffer like this so early!” “Dude, I really don’t wanna smack sense into you, you’re kinda gross and sticky at the moment,” Rumble said. “So just take some deep breaths and explain to me carefully what’s the matter.” Button smushed their faces together as he pointed a hoof into the distance, highlighting Rainbow Dash furiously punching a cloud that wouldn’t disperse. “It all started long ago,” whispered Button. “Before the time known as… breakfast.” ----------- Earlier Button looked up at his mother over his bowl of cereal. “Mom,” he squeaked with his mouth full so he could make his cheeks as chubby and adorable as possible, “I wanna buy Vorpal Conflict 6.” “No,” said Button’s Mom. Button spewed his mouthful of cereal over the table, his mom’s breakfast, and his mom. “But that isn’t faaaaair!” he caterwauled. “Why? By the twin moons of Mulgor, whyyyyyy?!” He fell from his chair and started rolling back and forth, bawling as loud as he could. He didn’t stop as his mother dropped his backpack on him, rolled him out the door onto the dirt path uphill from the schoolhouse, and let him gain momentum from there. ----------- “Huh,” said Rumble, “that explains why your pelt looked more brown than usual this morning. And why there’s a crack in the schoolhouse door now.” “I gotta have that game, man! I gotta have that game!” Button said, scrunching their noses together. “Do you know how many times I’ve beaten Vorpal Conflict one through five?!” “Seventy-three and a half times,” Rumble answered. “I know because I was player two that whole run.” He sniffled and looked away. “I’m always player two.” Button started shaking Rumble with increasing intensity as he babbled on, his eyes tinged with madness. “I know every combo, every secret, and unlocked every alternate character costume. I know the lore backwards and forwards. I even started writing theories on what will happen next! The series has lost its luster for me, man! I’ve gone stir crazy waiting for the next installment and now the only thing standing between you, me, and adrenaline pumping gore-soaked madness is the she-devil lording over my house!” Button dropped Rumble, who grabbed his head to stop the supersonic shivering of his brain, blinking as his eyes rattled in their sockets. “Don’t you think you’re overreacting?” he asked. “That game just came out two days ago, right? I’m sure Missus Mom will get it for you for Hearth’s Warming or something.” Button whined. “Hearth’s Warming is still three months away! I’ll never make it!” He smacked his hooves together. “I gotta get that game now or future me will never forgive myself!” “I have an idea!” Rumble squeaked. “Ooo! Is it to sneak into the game shop after hours and fight the town’s nightwatch pony with laser swords?” Rumble blinked. “No.” “Is it to go on an epic quest to find the game developers and get them to give us a copy after we fight them with laser swords?” Rumble’s eyes narrowed. “No.” “Oh! Oh! Is it to go to Princess Twilight and tell her that if we don’t get that game it’ll ruin our friendship and she can go tell Mom to buy it for us for the sake of Harmony?” “No!” Rumble squeaked, throwing his hooves in the air. “I was going to say how about we go around Ponyville asking all the ponies if they have things we can do for them, and we ask for bits as a reward! Then once we have enough we’ll go and get the game ourselves. That way Missus Mom and Thunderlane will be impressed with how responsible we are and will have no choice but to admit that since we earned the money we can decide how to spend it.” Button stared at Rumble, who stared at Button. Then tears burst from Button’s eyes and he fell into Rumble’s hooves again. “I’m never gonna get that gaaaaaaame!” he wailed, loud enough to attract unwanted attention. “Hey, losers!” Diamond Tiara snapped as she trotted over to them, accompanied by her lackey Silver Spoon. “What is the humungo deal with you? We can hear you across the schoolyard!” “Yeah!” chimed in Silver Spoon. “It’s, like, super annoying.” Diamond nodded. “Not to mention totally cutting into our witty put-downs of the other students! Rumble, can’t you control your snotty little friend?” “He’s not snotty!” Rumble shot back, curling his hooves protectively around Button’s head. “And he’s not just my friend! He’s like my brother and I have to support him. He’s just going through a hard time right now. There, there, Button.” He patted down Button’s mane, trying to ignore the trail of mucous slowly trailing down his chest. He wasn’t about to crack in front of a bully like Diamond though. Not when everypony (and especially Scootaloo) was watching. But the mucous was really cold and runny and oh goodness it was leaking into his belly button. “What could possibly be so terrible that Button Mash’s face would turn even uglier than usual?” said Diamond Tiara. “Don’t be so mean!” said Rumble. “Button’s not ugly and he’s not uglier than usual. Show her, Button.” Button lifted his face and hissed through red and swollen nostrils, blubbering as a snot bubble rose from his snout and tears dribbled down puffy cheeks. “Okay stop showing her,” said Rumble as he tucked Button’s face under his wing. “Oh wait! Let me guess,” Diamond sneered. “It has to do with something really lame and dumb and weird that only a dumb colt like Button Mash would care about, and he’s totally overreacting about it because—” She squeaked as Button lashed out and grabbed her by the tiara, screaming into her face. “The new Vorpal Conflict game just came out two days ago and even though I’ve already bought and finished the rest of the series and it’s at a completely reasonable price for an exclusive Ponystation release Mom won’t let me have it and it’s driving me CRAZY! I’m not overreacting! You! Are! UNDERREACTING!” Diamond stared into Button’s wild eyes and took a moment to breathe, salvaging her dignity as she shoved him away and produced a handkerchief to wipe away Button’s spittle. “A video game? Who even needs video games? Besides weirdos like you of course. I wouldn’t waste a single bit on one of those.” “That’s right!” said Button, throwing himself at Diamond’s hooves. “But… you’d waste bits on me, right? Because, you know, you just have so many to spare and I’m in such great need and all…” “Ha!” said Diamond Tiara, making sure to turn up her nose just the way her Daddy showed her. “Ha!” Silver Spoon mimicked her, because that was all she ever did. “As if!” Diamond continued. “My Daddy’s fortune is too great to be wasted on common ponies like you.” She leveled a hoof at Button, then pointed at Rumble. “And you.” She swung around to the rest of the schoolchildren. “And especially all of you! I wouldn’t even let you pick that video game out of my trash after I buy it and throw it away, which I am going to do right after school.” “But… you said you wouldn’t waste a single bit on that game,” said Rumble. “Uh, duh!” Diamond said, sticking her tongue out. “Of course I won’t. My personal butler is going to get it for me. Then I’ll just stick it in my room with the rest of the junk that you all will never be able to have. Literally the only good reason to be rich is to get the stuff that nopony else can, so you can say that you have it and nopony else does.” She sighed with faux-despair and flicked her mane back with her hoof. “Oh, it’s just so hard to find anything else worthwhile to do with my time in this podunk town. Anywho, toodles, losers! I’m off to go and buy happiness while you waste away in your puddles of discontent.” She turned to make her exit, and for the extra condescension she flipped her mane again, tossing her head back as hard as she could. There was an audible crack. Everypony on the playground winced as Diamond stood rigid with her skull almost parallel to her back, staring straight up into the air with a look of barely restrained vexation. “Silver Spoon!” she hissed, pointing in a nonspecific direction. “Tsst!” Silver Spoon blinked. Diamond’s hoof stabbed the air. “Tsssssst!” Silver Spoon gasped. “Oh! Right.” She dutifully planted her hooves on Diamond’s bottom and pushed, making sure to turn and give Rumble and Button the most disparaging raspberry she could manage while shoving her ringleader across the playground by the cutie marks. “Man,” said Rumble, “why do they have to be so cruel?” He stared at his solemn reflection in the pool of Button’s tears around his hooves. “I’m really feeling that puddle of discontent right about now.” Button ignored him, sucking in another tail of phlegm dangling from his nose before spitting it back out in another roar. “I gotta have that gaaaaame! Did you hear her, Rumble? This is the perfect opportunity! We’ll follow her after school and when she and her scummy butler walk out of the store, we jump them and claim what is rightfully ours. It’ll be just like episode thirty-four of Brawn-Star, Hero of the Everfree! I’ll finally have a reason to break out that authentic Brawn-Star Battle Axe© (complete with faux-Cragodile leather grip) I got from that raffle at the convention!” “First of all,” Rumble said with all the patience he could muster, “that would be assault in broad daylight. Secondly, that axe-thing is so heavy that even both of us combined couldn’t lift it and it sank your house’s foundation. And thirdly, even if we did manage to steal the game everypony would know that we’re the only ones in town desperate and pathetic enough to try something like that. And I shouldn’t have to mention that you’d be stealing something!” Silence. “That’s bad,” said Rumble. “Uh huh,” said Button with a tiny nod. Rumble sighed and his face fell into a deadpan expression. “You’re already thinking about how to get that game without being caught, aren’t you?” “Uh huh.” “And you know I’ll go along with it because deep down I’m desperate to play it too, don’t you?” “Uh huh.” “And you’re just nodding and going ‘uh huh’ because I lost you when I started talking about why this won’t work, aren’t you?” “Uh huh.” A beat of silence. “Just tell me what you have in mind,” said Rumble. ----------- Button Mash and Rumble peeked over the roof of the local game store in Ponyville’s town square, clad in what they termed ‘the latest in tactical operations gear.’ That it was all found underneath their beds and in the backs of their closets wasn’t relevant to the fact that Button made a black sweater and wool beanie look awesome. He unfurled the spool of rope he brought, tugging on it to test its strength. Rumble, the hood of his all-black hoodie strung tight around the baby fat on his cheeks, was worried. “Are we sure this is going to get us the game?” “Of course!” said Button. “Now that we look like operators nopony will be able to tell who we are. We distract the butler with the secret formula, drop down using this rope I brought, snatch the game from his saddlebag while he’s incapacitated by the fumes, and we’re out before anypony even knows we were there. I can’t wait to see the look on Diamond’s face when that game never even shows up at her door!” “I dunno,” said Rumble, fiddling with his hoodie strings. “I’d feel marginally less bad if we were stealing it directly from Diamond Tiara, but the butler? She said she was using his money to buy it, and being in a servant’s position and at around the same socioeconomic strata as we are, I can’t help but feel like we’re perpetuating a cycle of predation and violence instead of exacting justice on those who abuse their financial gifts.” Button stared at him in the way most of the town stared at Princess Twilight when she was trying to convince them that the next apocalypse was coming and this time it really was something to worry about, unlike the last five times. “Yeah, but if we get it now we won’t have to wait until later.” Rumble dropped his chin on the edge of the roof. “If only the truth wasn’t so appealing.” “So,” said Button. “Did you bring… The Goods?” Rumble reached into his saddlebag (also hastily spray-painted black) and pulled out a jar of greyish, greenish paste. “It was a little trouble getting the measurements right, but fortunately the back of our fridge had plenty to work with. Thunderlane only cleans it out when I tell him the social worker’s back in town.” “It looks so cool! I can’t help but wonder if this might be over the top though,” said Button, peeking into the jar. “What makes you say that?” asked Rumble. “Meh, probably just a feeling,” Button replied as he watched his reflection choke and die from the awful mixture within. “What’s in it?” “Mould from the fridge, sweat from Thunderlane’s workout routine, hair from the tub, old pizza from when we moved into Ponyville, and some bog water from Fluttershy’s Habitat for Hydras.” “Perfect,” whispered Button. “Oh, get down! Here he comes!” They ducked beneath the neon letters of the shop, listening to Diamond’s butler hum happily and then the jingle of the doorbell as he trotted inside. “Ready?” said Button. “Operation Wombo Combo is a go!” “I’m not sure about this, dude!” Rumble said through gritted teeth, starting to shake as he clutched the jar to his chest. “What if we get caught? What if we go too far? What if this is just the start of some horrible crime spree beneath the thin veneer of vengeful altruism? We should abort now and go home while we still have our dignity!” Button punched him in the shoulder. “And tell our Ponystation we came back empty-hoofed? That the rest of the Vorpal Conflict family will have to go to sleep at night knowing there’s an empty spot on the shelf when we could have brought their brother home?! Pull yourself together, soldier! This operation cannot be terminated!” Rumble’s teeth chattered as they waited in dread silence for the tell-tale jangle of the doorbell. Seconds trickled by like molasses. The sun beat down on them. Button Mash felt his heart hammering in his chest. Soon they’d have what Diamond and his mom and the general state of foals in the Equestrian economy would keep from them. Soon they would be soaked in the gory, high definition ultra-violence of Vorpal Conflict 6. Bells rang in his ears as the butler came back outside. He slapped Rumble’s shoulder. “NOW!” Rumble whispered a quick prayer of forgiveness to Celestia and lobbed the jar of grody nastiness over his head. Button watched as it sailed overhead, catching the light of the sun. It disappeared over the edge of the roof, on the way to meet its destiny. That meeting began and ended with a loud thud and the yelp of a very surprised pony. “Package has been delivered! Go go go!” Button said. He grabbed one end of the rope in his hoof, dropped the rest over the side without attaching it to anything, and jumped after it. Another loud thud signaled the end of Button’s first attempt at abseiling. Rumble flew down a moment later and found two ponies in a mangled heap of butler and Button. The jar was unbroken nearby, the butler wasn’t moving, and Button lay face-down on the ground in an indent about half an inch deep. Rumble let out a shriek somewhere between ‘microphone feedback’ and ‘frightened pig.’ “Oh no! Oh man! Oh no! Oh man!” he babbled, zipping between both ponies. “What have I done? I killed them! I’m a murderer! What have I done?! I’m so sorry! I let the allure of material gains cloud my better judgment! Oh, why didn’t my brother raise me better?!” He collapsed into a sobbing heap next to the prone bodies, blubbering until he noticed a game box poking out of the butler’s saddlebag. His eyes went wide as he snatched it up, preparing to hurl it against the wall and break the disc inside to a thousand pieces. “No! This is all on you! You made me do this! Curse you! Curse your wicked, corrupting influence! I’ll never let you soil another friendship again you terrible—wait a minute, this isn’t the game we wanted.” Button pried his face out of the divot his face had made in the dirt. “It’s not?!” he sputtered through swollen lips and a black eye, spraying grass and dirt out of his mouth. “Then what the heck did we go to all this trouble for?” Rumble held the game box at arm’s length. “The Ponies? Oh, weird. It’s one of those games where you watch ponies and make them learn housekeeping and stuff.” “Who would even buy that?” Button grumbled, swatting the box out of Rumble’s grip. “What a mess! We just wasted our entire afternoon.” “Ex-cuse me!” the butler snapped, sitting up and rubbing his head. “Are you the two hooligans who just assaulted me?” “Whoa!” said Button. “I thought you were dead.” “I might as well be. Now give me that.” The butler snatched the game back from Button, jowels all aquiver with anger. “And don’t think I didn’t hear what you said. A pony can have his own interests outside of his job, you know!” “So you’re a butler who plays games about… butlering? Like taking care of ponies after you take care of ponies all day?” said Button, picking blades of grass out of his mane. “Sheesh, dude, what’s even the point?” “Stop stop stop!” said Rumble. “We have to apologize for what we did, Button. Mister Butler sir, we’re sorry for dropping a jar on your head, but we were desperate! Diamond Tiara said she was sending you to buy the new Vorpal Conflict game and we were on a mission to intercept it for the greater good!” “Also for the last empty space on my game shelf,” added Button. The butler scoffed. “I was forced to pick up that abysmal waste of megabytes in the middle of dusting down Sir Rich’s trophy case. You’d better believe I didn’t waste time retrieving it; it was straight here and then back home. After my shift was over I came back to reward myself with a little electronic entertainment of my own.” He raised a severe eyebrow. “And then you dropped a jar on my head.” “Only to use you to try and hurt Diamond Tiara!” Button said, holding his hooves up in a pleading gesture. “Please don’t tell my mom! She’ll kill me! And then she’ll kill Rumble! And then she’ll kill Thunderlane for not being a better example to Rumble and making sure he has better friends than me!” The butler sighed and rolled his eyes. “While I am tempted to do nothing short of press charges, I can empathize with a fellow consumer of videographical divertissement. I’ll refrain from tattling on you rapscallions if you don’t let it get out that I’m about to tell you where your quarry is.” “Deal!” both colts squeaked. “Wait,” said Rumble. “Why are you helping us to get back at Diamond Tiara after we almost turned you into a biological hazard?” “Help you? Young sir, that game is buried at the bottom of miss Tiara’s toy chest by now, long-forgotten and never to be opened again. Short of an act of criminality, you’re never getting it back. I just thought I should ease your pain by telling you you never had a chance of acquiring it.” “Oh, man!” Button groused. “That’s so lame! Now how am I supposed to waste the rest of the weekend?!” The butler harumphed and walked away. “That, as the young foals say, is not my problem. Good day.” Button Mash buried his face in his hooves. Short of the time Sweetie Belle caused him to lose all his progress at Apple Smashers by singing at him, this had to be the worst day ever. “Man, we’re never getting that game now!” “Yeah,” said Rumble, plopping onto his flanks and picking up the jar. “And I went through so much trouble to put this together. Oh, well. Maybe I’ll just put it back in the fridge. Guess we might have to wait for Hearth’s Warming after all.” "Unless," said Button, "we remember... the Oath." Rumble gasped, clutching the jar tight to his chest. "We haven't spoken of that since second grade! The Oath is like... a bazillion years old!" "And it's also legally binding," said Button. "Don't forget... the Contract." "The Contract?" Rumble squeaked. "We haven't pulled that out in, like, two bazillion years!" "Well, the situation is desperate. The worst possible pony has what we need. Our great plan failed. We cannot back out, or all is lost until Hearth's Warming and I'm really not that patient in the first place and I'm really frustrated already. We have to renew the Oath and make this a do or die mission! For our playtime. For our freedom as colts. For our friendship!" He lifted his wool beanie cap, and then the propellor beanie that popped out from underneath that, and retrieved the yellowed piece of paper resting on his mane. "Behold," said Button, "the Contract. And upon it... the Oath of Eternal Bro-hood. Now let us read the sacred words once more, and renew the Oath that will keep us from ever failing a task done in the name of bro-ness. Can you feel the power, Rumble?" Rumble shivered the way he sometimes did when Scootaloo smiled his way. "Definitely." Carefully unfurling the creased parchment, Button scooted next to Rumble and they solemnly read the squiggly blue crayon transcribed upon it so many years ago. "Button Mash and Rumble, best friends forever, brothers to the end, members of the Super Duper Second Grade Club, hereby promise to respect, renew, and re... remesmer... rezzuh..." They trailed off into awkward silence. Button squinted and held the paper closer to his face. "Is... is that supposed to be an 'S?'" "I think it's a 'Z,'" said Rumble. "Or maybe an 'F' that threw up on itself." "Sheesh, my mouthwriting was awful in second grade," said Button. He crumpled up the Contract and tossed it in the nearest waste bin. "We'll revise it to modern standards later. Right now we have to promise ourselves that we won't rest until we have that game!" Rumble shrugged. "But the butler said it was in Diamond's house. We could still just work off the money; I bet there's loads of jobs around here that'll pay us sixty bits in no time. Sweet Apple Acres is always hiring, and I heard Princess Twilight needs lots of help to keep her castle organized." Button stuck out his tongue. "Blech! Bucking apples and polishing some giant crystal tree? Where do we go from there, become window washing dressmakers? Do you want to end up like Davenport and his sad little Quills and Sofas shop, doing anything and everything to make a quick bit? No, Rumble! No. We must get that game now or never. In lieu of a legible Contract to read the proper Oath..." He spat on his hoof and held it out to Rumble. "We'll spit shake." Rumble pursed his lips. On the one hoof, he was just as disappointed as Button and really wanted that game. On the other, it looked like Button was determined to go as far as he needed to to get it, which probably included something borderline illegal. But he had already beaned a helpless old pony with a jar of disgusting fluid with the intent of Robin Hoof-esque thievery. Now that he was already halfway down the rabbit hole to a life of crime, was there such a thing as backing out? It might be best to just go out guns blazing. Maybe Scootaloo was into gruff lawless types. That and he really really really wanted that game. Like right now. "All right," he said with a sigh. "I got a bad feeling about this, but..." He spat on his hoof and smushed it against Button's. "I'm with you, bro. Wherever this takes us, I'll be there with you." "Awesome," said Button, already dragging Rumble along. "Now come on. If we're getting inside that mansion we're going to need all the brainpower we can muster..."   -----------   "Wow, that was easy," said Button Mash as they slipped into Diamond Tiara’s mansion under cover of darkness through the doggy flap on the front door, still clad in their black clothes. “It’s a good thing they had this tiny door inside of the bigger one.” “Yeah,” said Rumble. “And it’s a good thing I can actually fly us and our gear over the gate, too. I didn’t know Diamond had a dog, though. I wonder if she even notices it.” Button scoffed. “Well, all the more reason to get that game! She won’t even know it’s gone. You got the map, right?” “Of course.” Rumble reached into his saddlebag and pulled out a roll of construction paper. They laid it down on the polished wooden floor, hooves on their chins as they regarded a schoolcolt’s version of accurate technical blueprints. “Okay,” said Rumble, “according to the map, Diamond’s room is on the third floor. We follow this squiggly line from the front door through the kitchen, into the hidden staircase behind the library, dodging the room full of lasers, shimmy up the chimney with the giant spike trap at the bottom, exit the ventilation shafts and drop down into the room full of security ponies. After a totally epic fight scene we use the smoke bombs to escape and crash through the door to Diamond’s room where we disable her giant robot death machine.” He pointed at a drawing of a giant robot Diamond Tiara with an angry face trying to step on them. Button made an impressed grunt when he saw the fight ending with him single-hoofedly ripping the circuits out of the death machine. “Then,” Rumble continued, “we grab the game from the vault and make a run for it before the whole house collapses on us, jumping out the side window before we die in a fiery explosion.” He tapped the crayon drawing that depicted the two of them standing triumphantly on the wreckage of a house and a few dozen ninja ponies, with Diamond crying in one corner of the drawing. “Why is Scootaloo hanging onto your leg in that last one?” asked Button. Rumble quickly scribbled her out. “Doing what? I don’t see Scootaloo there. I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Button nodded, tapping his chin with his hoof. It was especially impressive how the illustrations followed Rumble’s narrative perfectly, and the moustaches were a nice touch. He looked at Rumble with an upraised eyebrow. “You just made all this up before we got here, didn’t you?” Rumble sighed. “Yeah…” Button rolled the map back up. “Welp! The only thing we can do is sneak around and not get caught. At least we know Diamond’s room really is on the third floor. Now come on, and stay quiet!” They crept through the massive foyer, jaws dropping at the sheer opulence of the home. Everywhere hung paintings, tapestries, and busts upon the most ornate furniture money could buy. To their young minds it was like visiting the palace in Canterlot. “This is amazing!” whispered Rumble, wincing as even his most indoor of indoor voices bounced and echoed off the high ceiling. “No wonder Diamond likes to rub her money in our faces. I bet she doesn’t even know what else to do with it.” “It makes me angry, you know? Button hissed. “I mean, why do some ponies even need all this stuff? Just look at this!” He pointed down a long hallway full of portraits they turned into. There was nothing else inside except the paintings and some decorative dimmed lights. “What is the point? If it were me in this house, I’d make this into like… a slip-n’-slide made out of syrup! With pancakes at the end!” “I’d make a big obstacle course,” said Rumble, walking alongside Button and regarding the stoic faces of ponies long gone. “Obstacles made of candy. And pillows all over the walls so I don’t hurt myself bumping into them. Just look at all these pointy bits, you can’t fly anywhere in this house…” None of them noticed the robotic vrrrr as one of the paintings turned its gaze to follow them. ----------- Filthy Rich snorted as he was awoken by a loud beeping noise near his head. He reached out and grabbed the monitor at his bedside, giving it a good thumping with his hoof until the racket stopped. He peered at the LCD display where two little dots were making their way around the second floor of his house. “Sugar plum,” he whispered sleepily to his wife, “I don’t mean to alarm you, but I think we have intruders.” The mare yawned, not even bothering to remove her blinders. “Oh, just release the cyborg hounds and go back to sleep, Filthy.” Filthy grunted. “All right, all right.” He pushed another button and flung the monitor away, curling back up under the covers. ----------- “But then if you have a huge slide to go between floors, how do you get back up?” asked Rumble. “With the jungle gym, duh!” said Button. “Wait.” Rumble put out a hoof to stop Button in his tracks. “Do you hear something?” “Only the sound of my own voice,” said Button. “I swear we’ve passed this giant room full of ridiculously expensive crockery before.” Rumble’s ears twitched. “It… it almost sounds like—” “BARK BARK.” The two colts turned. At the end of the hallway they'd just come down stood three metal dogs about their height, and just as rotund. In place of ears they had two beeping antennae, and gleaming, pupilless metal eyes reflected the terrified expressions of the colts perfectly. With a loud squeak the one in the middle opened the steel trap-door hinges of its jaws. It said, "BARK BARK." "Are those what I think they are?" Button whispered, his voice tight. "Because if they are... I may have just wet my pants from how scary and awesome it is." "I think I did too," Rumble squeaked back. "Except I don't have pants so I'm gonna have to add vandalism to all the other crimes we committed tonight." Button gulped. "Okay. They're just dogs. Robot dogs. With stainless steel teeth. And probably adamantium claws. But we can handle this. Remember what Mom said: dogs are like stallions. Just look them in the eye and assert dominance, like Fluttershy." The cy-dogs' eyes flashed red. With an ominous hiss of pneumatics they crouched in unison and started a low, warbling growl. Button fixed his eyes on the gleaming red of his robot adversaries. He recalled episode seventeen of He-Colt, Master of the Universe, when the titular hero had to stare down a giant bunyip threatening a village of innocent ponies, except Button was about one-tenth the size of He-Colt and Rumble was hardly a village full of swooning mares. But for the Oath, he had to try. Rumble shivered, looking like he was about to start crying. Button continued to stare. "Just maintain contact," he whispered, setting his hooves firmly in the velvet carpet. The dogs broke into a run, their metal paws thumping the ground. Button stood his ground, opening his eyes as wide as he could. "Must... assert... dominance!" Rumble put his hooves over his eyes and whimpered. "I can't look! Is it working?!" he squealed when he heard the pounding metal paws get closer. When he didn't get an answer he opened his eyes and saw Button's tail disappear down another corner further down the hall. "Hey! Not cool!" Button looked back and shouted. "I just remembered when we had that test at school it said I had a really beta-type personality! Run for your life!" Rumble took wing and zipped after Button, the cy-dogs close on his heels. Down winding hallways and across plush velvet carpets they ran, heedless of anything in their way. They knocked over statues, locked doors, and tossed anything and everything that wasn't nailed down. The implacable cy-dogs cleanly jumped the statues, crashed through doors, and simply ignored whatever was thrown at them. The two colts ducked into what looked like a massive dining room, the silverware and plates already set out on a long table the length of a normal living room. Rumble just flew over it. Button jumped up on it and started kicking plates, candelabras, and tea pots at the cy-dogs, which ignored every object that smashed into their impassive faces. They circled the table, barking madly. "At least they can't get us if we climb!" said Rumble. The dogs started chewing at the legs of the table, snapping them with their powerful teeth until the whole mess flopped to the ground. Button squealed as Rumble swooped in and pulled him into the air just before the dogs grabbed him. "At least they can't get us if we fly!" said Rumble. The cy-dogs observed their airborne targets for a few seconds. Then they started shooting lasers out of their mouths. "What the heck, man?!" Button screamed, flailing his hooves as the air was filled with crackling, neon-colored doom. "Stop giving them ideas!" "Why does Diamond even have these things in her house?!" Rumble sobbed, juking and corkscrewing for all he was worth as the cydogs peppered the ceiling with laser bolts. "If only there was some kind of small, insignificant thing we overlooked that would save us!" Button wailed. And then it hit Rumble. "Wait! I still have the jar of Good Stuff we used to attack the butler! That'll foil their circuits for sure! Take it from my bag!" Button yanked the jar from Rumble's saddlebag and twisted in his friend's hooves, cocking back his leg back for a throw. "Swing back around! We'll only get one shot at this." Button squinted one eye shut as he peered down at their targets. He had to land the jar and break it perfectly to get enough coverage. The air was filled with magical fire as Rumble literally screamed downwards in a steep divebomb. "Almost there," muttered Button as his mind's eye pinpointed all three targets with glowing red crosshairs. "Take the shot!" Rumble yelled in his ear. "Allllmost there..." "I can't hold it!" When Button felt the searing heat of a near-miss, he swung his arm as hard as he could. "It's away!" Rumble peeled off as the jar of Good Stuff burst upon the eyes of the center dog, spraying the rest of them with the horrid substance inside. "I hope you weren't programmed with a sense of smell, jerks!" Button shouted over his shoulder. He gasped in horror as he saw tiny windshield wipers pop out of the robot's eyelids and wipe away the gunk, which had left no visible mark whatsoever. "Uh. Okay," he told Rumble, "the good news? That was awesome. Bad news? They really weren't programmed with a sense of smell." The center dog opened his mouth. Button saw its maw light up with neon purple, turned to shout up at Rumble, just in time for- ZORCH. "OWWWOWOWW!" Rumble cried out as his left wing flapped weakly once more, sputtered, then went limp with a loud cough. "They got me! Controls are shot! Aerodynamics busted! Brace for impact!" The duo managed to aim for another hallway, screaming down the rest of the corridor before they crashed hard into the carpet, tumbling end over end. They hit another door so hard they smashed it open and flopped to a halt on top of each other when they bounced off the railing of a balcony overlooking Diamond Tiara's pool. Shaking off their stupor at surviving such a crash, they came to just in time to realize they were trapped, and the cy-dogs were only moments away from turning the corner and spotting them. Button grabbed Rumble by the shoulders. "Fly, dude. You gotta fly!" Rumble responded with a weak whimper. "I, I can't. That must have been a numbing spell or something, I can't even feel my wing. You gotta go on without me!” Button shook his head. “One, there’s a giant drop on that side and killer cyborg dogs on the other, so I can’t. Two, you’re like the brother I never had and I’m never abandoning you, so I won’t!” Rumble looked up, his eyes shimmering with tears. “Do you really mean it? But… not in that order?” Button shrugged. “Well, I’m pretty sure if I drank a glass of water I’d still be wetting my pants in sheer terror. So it’s a toss-up.” Rumble sniffled. “That’s almost the nicest thing I’ve ever heard, in a weird backwards sort of way.” He glanced over the balcony. “But I think I’m getting another idea.” A few moments later the cy-dogs charged around the corner and spotted their quarry shaking in their hoodies, huddled up under the balcony railing. “This is a terrible idea,” said Button. “We’re gonna die.” “Either we do this and we die, or we have to face Missus Mom for getting caught!” Rumble hissed. “Oh, yeah. Easy choice,” Button had to agree. The cy-dogs charged. Just as they were about to pile onto their prey, the colts jumped onto the railing and kicked off into thin air, screaming all the way and clutching each other for dear life. The rope they’d tied around each other stretched taut, and as the cy-dogs launched themselves after them, they flopped downwards underneath the snapping jaws. The cy-dogs were sent wailing to their doom, splashing into the pool and sinking like rocks. Button and Rumble had no time to celebrate. The rope caught on the edge of the railing and swung them hard in an arc that got their faces very intimately acquainted with another window one floor down. Behind it was another cy-dog. It said, “BARK BARK.” With a loud sucking pop they came loose, flailing and screaming and somehow managing to swing their little hooves hard enough to overcome their own inertia and hurl themselves back up and around the balcony, this time becoming even more intimately familiar with a window one floor above. They found themselves peering into Diamond Tiara’s bedroom, which they first noticed was very, very pink. The next thing they noticed was a shocked and angry Diamond Tiara looking at them from under her covers. “What!” she screeched. “All that commotion is being caused by you two losers?! Do you have any idea what time it is?” She huffed and threw off the bed covers, stomping over to the window. Since Button and Rumble’s faces were smushed flat against the glass, they couldn’t do anything but endure her berating. “I do not have the patience to deal with you numbskulls at school, and I most certainly do not have the patience to deal with you here.” She pointed up at them with a stubby little hoof. “Tell me what you’re doing here right now, or I’ll tell Daddy to call the police!” “Mmfffmmmbblpppt,” said Button, leaving a spot of drool on the window. Diamond sighed and opened her window, letting the colts tumble inside. Button managed to pop up dramatically and pointed his hoof right back at her. “We’re here for justice! We’re here for all the little ponies who looked up at the stars and asked ‘Why? Why must the world be so unfair?’ We’re here to look ponies like you in the eye and say ‘No more!’ No more must we suffer under your tyrannical hoof! No more must we languish in the crevasses of our own sorrow! No more must we see living proof that girl ponies are super icky!” “Ex-cuse me?” Diamond said, shoving her nose against Button’s. “You’re the one breaking into ponies’ houses! I knew you were a creep, but this is waaaay more than I thought even a tiny mind like yours was capable of!” Button shoved back, trying to puff his chest out to its not-very-impressive maximum girth. “At least I’m not a stuck-up murglack with a tiara on her butt!” Diamond rolled her eyes. “Oh, pulling out the made-up words again. Ever heard of a dictionary? You might wanna look that word up some time!” “We wanted to steal your game,” Rumble said with a sad little sigh as he disentangled himself from the rope. “Vorpal Conflict 6. We were jealous that you bought it before us and were rubbing it in our faces. I don’t know what came over us. We were just sick of how you’re always showing off your money and we wanted to teach you a lesson. I’m sorry, Diamond. This all got out of hoof. We’ll go peacefully if you’ll let us, but your robot dogs chewed up the dining table.” Diamond Tiara put her hoof over her heart. Her lower lip quivered and her eyes shone brightly in the moonlight. “Why, Rumble, I… I don’t know what to say. I’m touched. That’s so very mature of you to admit.” Her face warped into an evil grin as she pulled out a tape recorder. “I’ll be sure to use that in court!” Rumble gasped. “You took advantage of my good conscience!” “Ha!” Diamond barked, turning away and walking over to her toy chest. “A good conscience is just something ponies talk about when they know they can’t get out of trouble. You two are going down. It’s such a shame, too…” She sighed melodramatically, popping the chest open. “You’re going to pony jail for life without ever knowing the joys of your precious little video game!” She reached into the chest. “Ah HA!” she said, holding up an empty hoof. Button and Rumble blinked. “Oh,” said Diamond. “I forgot. It’s in chest number five. Wait right there, and don’t you dare spoil my moment to gloat.” She went to her closet and rummaged around in silence for a minute, throwing out baseball bats, collectible action figures, and far too many stuffed toys than any little filly should own. “Dude, she’s got us dead to rights! Missus Mom’s gonna kill us and then throw us in jail and then kill us again!” Rumble squeaked. “Don’t worry,” said Button. “I thought she’d need a little convincing, which is why I brought these along.” He reached into his saddlebag and pulled out two little plastic cylinders. “Flashlights?” asked Rumble. “No! The Super Glo-Stick Laser Sword Pros we got for last Hearth’s Warming!” “Whoa.” Rumble’s eyes widened. “You still have those? I thought Missus Mom confiscated them after you killed that pigeon!” “You bet I do. One look at these and Diamond will be begging for mercy.” Button grinned and pulled out the power cords. “Just gotta find an outlet.” Diamond came back out of her closet clutching the video game in her hoof. “All right, losers! Listen up. You’re gonna sit there and cry like babies while I wave the box around and talk about how rich I am. Then Daddy will come and get you arrested and thrown in pony jail—what the?!” Button and Rumble posed under the dangerous red glow of the laser swords held tight in their forehooves. They hummed with dangerous power, crackling with energy that begged to be unleashed. Button lowered the tip of his until it pointed at Diamond, and then spoke in the best gravelly stallion voice he could manage, which was still really squeaky. “Diamond Tiara. We aren’t leaving without that game. And the blackmail. Now hand over the goods… or prepare to be cut down to size." “We’re not really gonna hit her with these, are we?” Rumble whispered. “I heard they can give a really nasty static shock and first-degree burns.” “Nah, we’ll just wave ‘em around until she cries and gives up the game. Now CHARGE!” Both colts let out a battle cry and ran right at Diamond Tiara, who was too shocked to move. They got about three steps before the cords popped out of the outlets, and were still running and screaming as their swords fizzled and died. “YAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaahhhh-oooooh.” Button halted and glared at the impotent plastic cylinder in his hoof. “Huh! Over nine feet of super laser sword action my hoof.” After a moment of silence, they heard a strange, ugly, frightening noise. Diamond Tiara was laughing. “Heh heh heh.” Her mouth twisted back into that vicious grin. “Hehehehe! Ha ha ha ha! AHH HAHAHAHAHAAAA!” She went back to her closet, throwing her head back with manic laughter. “So you two little boys want to play with fire, huh? Well prepare to get burned!” She spun around, holding the game in one hoof and a familiar plastic cylinder in the other. But this one was significantly longer, and near the tip was a skull and crossbones warning label. “Oh no!” Button blanched. “How do you have one of those?” “Those were all banned from production!” exclaimed Rumble, pointing at the crazed filly with a shaking hoof. “It can’t be one of those!” Diamond snickered evilly. “Oh, it is.” She admired the jet-black polish and bright red buttons. “It’s amazing what daddies will get you when you’re vague and adorable enough. Behold! The Laser Sword Super Awesome Mega-Cutter 9000!” She pushed one of the buttons, and a scimitar-shaped beam erupted from the hilt, drenching the entire room in a baleful red glow. Diamond grinned viciously over the edge of the humming blade, her teeth almost fang-like. “And it’s battery operated.” She raised the terrible weapon over her head, laughing with the manic exuberance of a pony who loved to strike fear in hearts of others. But she didn’t notice the very tip catch one of her many teddy bears in the eye. FWOOMP went the teddy bear as it caught fire. It fell over and touched the edge of Diamond’s bed. FWOOMP went the bed as it was engulfed in flames. FWOOMP went the rest of the room. It was then that all three foals started screaming. ---------- Three hours later Button’s Mom didn’t like being woken up at any hour she declared part of her ‘mom time.’ Most of the night was included in that. She especially didn’t like being woken up from a deep sleep and a wonderful dream, and especially not by a massive fireball on the edge of town. What made her the most upset by far was the fact that she was woken up from a deep sleep and a wonderful dream by a giant fireball that her sweet, adorable, lovely little Button Mash had helped start along with his dear, cherubic, wonderful friend Rumble. They’d been friends for even longer than she could remember, and she’d unofficially adopted Rumble into her maternal sphere of ponies she watched out for a long time ago. They were thick as thieves. Pure, cuddly, huggable grounded forever little balls of no court would convict me childish love. And now they had burned down Diamond Tiara’s house. She looked up at the still blazing wreck, putting a hoof on the bridge of her nose. All around her, fireponies and police ponies rushed back and forth, coordinated by Princess Twilight to douse the blaze. Diamond Tiara and her family sat nearby, looking nigh catatonic as they stared at their own roof cave in on itself with another gout of flame. They had more than enough money to build the house back exactly the way it was, of course, but that was not the point by far. “Remember,” she hissed under her breath, struggling not to explode into a little fireball herself. “You love them. You love them both. So very, very, very much. You love them so much that you’re going to kill them. Really, actually kill them for real this time.” The sound of flapping wings and labored breath brought her out of her murderous reverie. “Miss M!” Thunderlane gasped as he landed behind her. “I came as soon as I could! Are they okay?! Where are they?” “Oh,” Button’s Mom sighed, “down at the police station having a lovely chat with the chief of Ponyville police.” “In jail?!” Thunderlane squawked, eyes boggling. “Uhh… isn’t that a little… extreme, Miss M?” “Believe me, right now they’re safer in there,” said Button’s Mom. “Besides, I think a little scare is just what they need to learn never to do something this absurd again. Trust me, Thunderlane, a few hours in the stony lonesome and they’ll never need another Vorpal Conflict again.” ------------- “No! No! It’s horrible! Stop it! NOOOOO!” Button wailed. “GAME OVER,” intoned the digitized voice of Vorpal Conflict 6’s announcer as Button watched his character’s guts splatter across the screen from an angry minotaur’s warhammer. Behind him, the Ponyville police chief and several of his deputies groaned in sympathy, crowding closer around the television in the police department’s break room. “Oh, man! You were so close that time!” “Gotta learn those combos, bro!” “Can I get a turn?!” Rumble chewed on another hoofful of popcorn. “Wow, I didn’t know going to jail was this much fun.” “You’re telling me!” said Button, handing the controller to another excited deputy. “I’m so glad Mom suggested this punishment.” “Now boys, your mother sent you here to learn a lesson,” said the police chief. “And what did we learn?” Everypony in the room threw their hooves up and cheered. “THIS IS THE BEST GAME EVER!”