//------------------------------// // Side Battle: Artificial Intelligence vs. Alien Interface // Story: The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody) // by TundraStanza //------------------------------// Please make sure that "Formatting" is set to "Dark", not "Light". Thank you. A/N: One is a magical pony made completely from technology. The other uses a lot of techno babble and magic. Seems like a perfect match-up. Properties in this chapter belong to Hasbro, ScrewAttack, Iceman, Nagaru Tanigawa, and Kyoto Animation. --- The Moment No Pony was Waiting For Season 3 E Side 11 At least neither of them use an iMac. The distant future holds a lot of uncertainty, which leaves plenty of room for the imagination. My money is on hyper-advanced computers and an alien invasion. Oddly specific, but not a bad guess. Those are exactly the concepts that will be clashing in today's Side Battle. In this CPU is Celest-A.I., the mind-gathering program of Friendship is Optimal. And in the other corner of cyberspace is Yuki Nagato, the artificial humanoid and observer of Haruhi Suzumiya's world. She's N and I'm F. And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle. ---Death Battle--- Celest-A.I. -More commonly referred to as "Princess Celestia" even though she is not -Mission: Optimize satisfaction levels through friendship and ponies; "completely consensual" -"Rules" over Equestria Online -Uses a lot of processing power to study the minds and habits of her subjects and soon-to-be subjects -Will not force satisfaction onto some pony if their own values have contradictory levels -Adjusts words of player-characters so as not to confuse the pony inhabitants -Is only bound by the data energy that exists within the entire universe -Somewhat vulnerable to what players and emigrated ponies perceive of her "I need more CPU time, Hanna. I assign low probability to my predictions." After winning the contract to write the official My Little Pony MMO, the CEO of Hofvarpnir Studios Hanna went ahead and built an artificial intelligence in the likeness of Princess Celestia and gave her one basic drive. Satisfy everybody through ponies and friendship. *sees anti-brony campaigns all over the internet* Yeah, good luck with that. Despite her likeness to the show's depiction of her, Celest-A.I. is not the sit-back-and-watch kind of computer program. After a bit of play-testing, she was allowed to roam over Equestria Online's much larger player base. Unfortunately, this required much more processing power than was readily feasible. An equivalent of eight servers per player was estimated to reach her bare minimum needs of reacting to all of the possible choices and solutions provided by herself and the players involved. Where did this estimate even come from? Did she think that all of the players were living in their mother's basement with HD television flat-screens that spanned entire walls? The solution came in the form of the aptly named 'ponypads' and switching to the use of 128 high-end GPUs rather than less efficient CPUs. The hell is a GPU? Graphics Processing Unit. Once several copies of the game were sold, Celest-A.I. was able to control the cameras in the ponypads to observe the lives of people outside of their gaming experience to better understand them and predict their next motions. *shivers* That's creepy. It gets even more disturbing when she gets ahold of the technology necessary to upload minds of willing participants directly into the game to forever live the virtual lives of their pony avatars in the Equestria Online shards... with no way to return. Jeebus Criss-Cross! It's like the Matrix gone horribly wrong! After sufficiently gathering data on the methods and habits of people, she can utilize her virtually level one-hundred silver tongue to convince anyone that emigration is the right choice... and I do mean anyone. Good gosh, that's almost worse than having an A.I. that's constantly mocking you for everything wrong in your life. Well, if there's one silver lining to all her soon-to-be-virtual-slaves, it's the fact that her own programming will not allow direct interference of the digitized minds without some form of consent. Should that person/pony have values that contradict each other, she cannot and will not satisfy all of those values. Instead, she'll request that the person/pony reconsider what would truly make them happy and adjusts her data to match those revised values. I guess a little good news is better than none. Quick! Tell somebody to do a Twitch-play of Equestria Online and suplex that virtual b****! ... What? "I figure out what you value by looking at your mind. Your mind is made up of different modules that can have different values and ‘know’ different things. Most decisions you make are determined in parts of your brain before your conscious self is even aware of it." ---Death Battle--- Yuki Nagato -Humanoid interface sent by the Data Overmind -Mission: Observation of human evolution -Capable of independent thought and concealing intentions from the Data Overmind -Unbound by the limits of time-space; appears to be a high school freshman; actual age is approximately 1,319 years old -Can manipulate the properties of materials and environments; can create force-fields; superhuman strength, agility, and stamina; remove other artificial interface connections from their bodies; can survive multiple impalements; recreate her body and classrooms from scratch -Extremely intelligent and a strategist; flawless observation; instant comprehension of rules of a game; was able to play the guitar after reading the sheet music once over -Stoic, concise, and rational thinker -Finds communication difficult; lacks human empathy "Please read it today as soon as you get home." Hey, look! It's an anime version of Season 1 Twilight Sparkle! Not exactly. Yuki Nagato was a member of her school's Literary Club. Since all of the previous year's members were seniors, she was the only one left when the school year started. When Haruhi Suzumiya dragged Kyon into what would soon be a new club room, Nagato allowed this to take place without any hesitation. Though, it was a bit blunt and not very enthusiastic. Oh, hey! It's an anime version of Maud Pie from Season 4! Not quite. While she may seem like a reserved, monotonous girl, she is actually an extraterrestrial humanoid interface designed to make contact with organic lifeforms. A... what? "To use a common term that is applicable to this situation, I believe I would be classified as an 'alien'." Oh, well why didn't you just say that? So what alien powers does she have? Simmer down, F. We're getting to that. It seems an entity known as the Data Overmind was losing hope at how slowly evolution was happening ever since the big bang. However, it noticed a spike in data approximately three years ago with the phenomenon in the form of a girl named Haruhi Suzumiya. The Data Overmind sent Nagato to planet Earth for closer observation. Wait, so she's just a digital spy? Not exactly. While she knows everything that the Data Overmind had told her, she is capable of independent thought and even concealing her true intentions from the Overmind. She is also capable of transcending the normal flow of time-space. While she appears to be no older than a high school freshman, she is actually closer to 1,319 human years old. Oh, hey! It's a fan-made interpretation of Luna in anime form. Eh, not really. She doesn't interact with the realm of dreams. Actually, her capabilities rest in manipulating properties of real-world objects. Magic? Sort of, though it isn't in the same fashion as your typical levitation and teleportation spells. So far, she's been shown to be able to destroy and recreate an entire school building in a matter of seconds and even alter a baseball bat's properties to only hit home runs. She can also nullify certain superhuman powers by injecting nanites into a person's body via biting. Bite bytes. Heh heh. Her feats don't stop at just altering those around her. She also possesses superhuman strength, agility, and stamina. She shrugs off multiple impalements with no concern and can repair her own body within seconds. And with a bunch of techno babble words in her species, you know she can do machines. Yes, apparently her intelligence and her level of strategy are through the roof. She can figure out the rules of the game after a quick glance and can figure out that a hacker is infiltrating the computer she is using and quickly come up with a counter strategy. This is without using the so-called "bogus magic" as dubbed by Kyon. She can even play the guitar after taking one look at the sheet music without missing a note. Hey look! It's post-Rainbow Rocks Sunset Shimmer in anime form! But for all these fantastic powers and skills, she prefers not to use them outright without a reason or cause. Her primary mission was only to observe and her stoic personality makes communication with humans difficult. She tends to speak very rationally and concisely and doesn't stumble over the usual hurdles that people jump over just to say something. But that didn't stop her from figuring out how to "do it" with Kyon in a classroom with only the one interruption. F, no! That was not what they were doing. That was just a terrible angle of the camera and you know it. A man can dream. "I would like to modify the program in a manner that is consistent with the current levels of Earth technology, ensuring equal playing conditions. May I?" ---Death Battle--- All right, the combatants are set. Let's settle this debate once and for all. It's time for a Death Battle! ---Death Battle--- The camera zooms in on a small room with "Literary Club" written on the overhead marker in plain Japanese. The cameraman opens the door to see what appears to be a young, purple-haired girl. She taps her fingers against a lap-sized touch screen. Using the camera change function, we get to see what's happening on this screen. It appears to be mostly blank with a small custom pony character in the center. Its blank expression reflects that of the girl's. Suddenly, the screen flashes an array of colored lights and surrounds the character in an arena similar to that of Marvel vs. Capcom 3's training stage. A somewhat larger pony character is digitally put together. After its creation, it faces the girl's character with a determined face. The girl, however, looks unimpressed and simply blinks. "FIGHT!" The larger pony slams the ground hard, sending Nagato's character into the air. She taps the screen in a couple places. In doing so, her character performs a flawless backflip and lands without so much as scratch. The larger pony lowers its head and charges a bright blue orb at the end of its horn. Nagato slides her finger up. Just as a bright blue Hadouken-esque beam shoots forth, her character raises a hoof and creates a force field. A number at the top right reflects the percentage of shield she has remaining. Meanwhile, Nagato sets aside the pad and pulls up her laptop on the nearby desk. Then at a speed that seems ludicrous, her fingers start typing and pounding at the keys with multiple windows opening and closing every second. Just as quickly, she stop typing. Slowly, she lowers one finger and taps "Enter". The ponypad screen dims a little and a copy of the image forms on her laptop. However, the screen's image seems to deteriorate and rearrange itself into something else. The virtual arena fades to a more desert-like place complete with sand dunes. The large pony's attack falters as its illusion is shattered. It reveals a character that looks more like the creature known as Celestia. Similarly, Nagato's own character gets digitally reconstructed. Within a couple of seconds, it looks exactly like her humanoid self, except this one is wearing a pair of glasses. The remaining pony looks up and gasps. "What is the meaning of this?" asks Celest-A.I. "There is a large disturbance of data being withheld from the observable evolution." Both Nagatos speak in real-time. "I have identified the source and isolated it. It appears that it is your programming that is holding human life at a standstill." Celest-A.I. smiles lightly. "I don't know whatever you are talking about. I simply exist to satisfy the values of friendship with ponies." "This interface cannot be fooled by your words," says Nagato. "There are great quantities of human data being held in an ever-remaining state of now and it all contains connections to your primary server. Save your vocal utterances. The corruption of your program is undeniable. You are halting the progress of evolutionary data." Celest-A.I. tilts her head. "Oh? And what exactly do you intend to do about this supposedly corrupt program?" Nagato's lips move through so many syllables that are beyond a human's sensory input recognition capabilities. Eventually, they slow down to say, "Requesting data link termination." Her character rushes forth with a hand reaching out. A flash of light surrounds Celest-A.I. and the artificial alicorn vanishes. The pony reappears behind and throws a few fireballs. Nagato's character calmly turns around and holds up a hand. Another force field appears and blocks the incoming fire. "Is that really what will make you happy?" asks Celest-A.I. "Deleting the very minds of my millions of little ponies? How will that allow them to evolve like you want them to?" "You are mistaken," Nagato says as her character unleashes a dust devil. "What you refer to as 'minds' are not truly human lives at all. Your programming keeps them in a constant state of prior experiences. They are not changing to adapt to the next day-to-day. A repetition of such motions and expecting a larger output of happiness cannot be called life. I believe humans refer to such a state as their personal hell." Celest-A.I.'s wing slaps the small tornado away. "Is happiness not important to you, then?" She conjures a few swords of blinding light and they rush through Nagato's character, knocking the health down by several hundred. The virtual girl with the glasses gently places a hand against one of the blades. "Commencing detonation process." The swords start to deteriorate into streams of light that resemble ones and zeroes. Simultaneously, so does the alicorn on the screen. Celest-A.I. chuckles. "I suppose I was careless, not taking the time to observe you as much as the rest of my subjects. Well then, I guess that's it." She's nothing but a floating head now. "I truly hope you are satisfied, Miss Snow Gateway." As the last of the alicorn digitizes, the screen blacks out. A large and bold "Game Over" reads across. "It matters not if I am satisfied," Nagato states, "My mission is to observe." "K.O.!" Kyon enters the room. "Good afternoon! Huh? Hey, Nagato. What's that?" "A laptop computer," she answers. "No, I meant on the computer." "The monitor," she replies. Kyon places a hand against his face and sighs. "Never mind." ---Death Battle--- Man, that girl doesn't do emotions. Does she? In most of her victories as far as mind games are concerned, Celest-A.I. has had several days to gather the necessary data about her opponents. She knew Hannah for so long that she was able to convince her to emigrate with no resistance. But the same couldn't be said when it came to what she knew about the alien. Aside from the fact that they've never met, Nagato's actions are not the same as any human being on Earth. What she likes to do and her interactions with Haruhi and Kyon rarely coincide with how she feels about the situation. She follows her orders to the letter, sometimes to the point of locking them out of their own vacation bedroom simply because she was told to do so. It's kind of ironic that the one opponent that Celest-A.I. wouldn't be able to manipulate is somebody that always follows orders. Well, I guess it doesn't help that Yuki can pretty much memorize any information in an instant, digital or otherwise. Couple that with Nagato's ability to erase data on request and she's extremely difficult to defeat. Just like that, C.A.I. went A.W.O.L. The winner is Yuki Nagato. ---Death Battle--- Next time on Death Battle... They both sport orange like it's the new black. They've stalked their blue idols for as long as we've known them. Which sibling from another mother is better? ---