//------------------------------// // Chapter Two // Story: Aliens are the New Black // by Calamity Cons //------------------------------// Aliens are the New Black Chapter Two “Alright, now I know you’re probably sick to death of questions by now, but I have to know a few things before I can get to work on my next commission so I would appreciate it if you were kind enough to answer just a few of mine?” Rarity asked as soon as her new rider awoke from a restless nap. She waited a short while for an answer, all the while putting one hoof in front of the other. “…What?” came his response. Rarity sighed and lowered her head down, trying her best to be patient with him. She had expected him to be at least a little more cognizant by the time he woke up, assuming quite reasonably that he may not have been all the way asleep with his wriggling and writhing. Though too be fair, he did say he was nocturnal… And for all she knew, he may have been having a nightmare. Who was she to complain? But still, there were some things that she needed to know, and things that she knew he needed to know if they were going to make this whole ‘rider’ thing work. Questions needed to be asked, agreements needed to be made, the usual. So she gathered her composure, walking along through the hidden pathway gracefully, trying to be as proper as possible with a rider. She wasn’t walking right through the town square of Ponyville, heavens no. She had made sure to go a special route that she had reserved for bad hair days. It was a quick way to get from the outskirts of Ponyville to her boutique over west while getting the least amount of exposure to the public as possible. Useful indeed, when she probably looked as though she had some black splotch of what the hell is that growing out of her back to others. “I want you to answer just a few of my questions before we can move forward with this whole… you living on my back thing. Think that you can do that for me?” She summarized. She heard a couple of groans from her rider, no doubt more than a little miffed. At what, she had no idea. Was it the sunlight? Or was riding on the back of a horse more uncomfortable than she first assumed? She certainly hoped it wasn’t because he had to go to the bathroom. She had no idea how that was going to work. Well, perhaps if he could shift his leg over to the same side as the other and then maybe OKAY this was not a ladylike thing to think about. Oh, but the alternative would have been even worse, and okay maybe she would have to bring this up later but NOT NOW. “…Fiine II’ll an2wer your 2tupiid que2tiion2.” He finally said, pulling Rarity out of her uncomfortable thought train. Rarity coughed and straightened up a bit to present herself, and trying to push sanitation issues out of her mind for the time being. She started thinking up what she was going to ask her rider first when it came to her like a new idea for a design. “Alright. Let’s start with a simple one; do trolls have names?” “Of cour2e we have name2.” Came his reply, dripping with sarcasm. Just like earlier, when he had snapped at Twilight in her library. Rarity flipped her mane out of habit, and then continued the conversation. “No need to sound so pompous about it.” Rarity said, gaining a nice little ‘harrumph’ in response, “Would you be so kind as to tell me what your name is, exactly? I’m sure you already know that my name is Rarity.” “2ollux.” Rarity stopped in her tracks, landing with two hooves on the ground and two in mid-stride. “Thollukth? What sort of a name is that?” She asked, lowering her hooves and turning her head to give her rider a sideways glance. “No, my name ii2 2ollux.” “You just said the exact same thing.” “II have a lii2p!” “OH! Oh, I get it!” Rarity exclaimed, somewhat ashamed that she didn’t make the connection herself, “That’s a nice name, I suppose. Hmm… Your name is Sol lux then?” ‘Sollux’ nodded tiredly, and then stretched his arms with a loud yawn. Clearly he was still tired, even with that short nap he took. “You know, that’s funny… If your name is Sol and Lux put together, shouldn’t that mean something? I’m pretty sure it’s from a different language…” “Do II look liike II care?” “Well I care.” Rarity said, continuing on her way to her boutique. There was a zoning silence between the two of them for a while. Rarity decided to fill it by mulling over her rider’s name. She could have sworn they were from another language, and a language that she knew she could speak at least a little bit. She just couldn’t remember which language… Then it dawned on her. “Sollux?” “What.” “I think your name is Latin for something! Yes, yes, it’s definitely Latin. Ohhh, I can’t remember what your name actually means though.” “What’2 Latiin?” “Oh, it’s just an archaic language from a long time ago that gave us ponies our writing system. I studied it for a while back when I was in Magic School. Let’s see… I know that mater means mother, domus means home… I just can’t remember what sol and lux mean!” “Maybe iit mean2 ‘lazy wa2te of 2pace who play2 viideo game2 all night’.” “Oh! I remember it now!” Rarity said on top of Sollux’s comment. “Remember what?” Sollux asked, bored. “I remember what the pieces of your name mean!” “Joy.” “In the Latin language, sol means sun, and lux means light! So, that means that your name means Sunlight! Oh, that’s perfect!” Rarity said out loud. She heard no response from her rider however, prompting her to stop once more and give him another sideways look. He had his arms crossed against his chest, and he sat as heavily as he could on her back, eyes narrowed, and colorful glasses gleaming. “What.” He asked. Rarity rolled her eyes, and then shifted her attention back to the pathway. “Oh, it’s nothing really. I just figured out what I’m going to call you.” “… Don’t care.” “Then it’s settled! From now on, your name is Sunlight!” “Whatever float2 your—wait! No iit ii2n’t!” “Oh, but it is a much better name for you than Sollux. Sollux doesn’t roll off the tongue at all, and no one will be able to know a thing about you with a name like that! Oh, it pains me just to say it, it’s so cluttered and… icky! Names are the first impression one gets of you, you know, and a name like Sollux tells you nothing but bad, ugly things. Besides, if it means sunlight anyway, then why not just say that your name is Sunlight in the first place?” “My name doe2 not mean 2unliight!!” “Now, Sunlight, I don’t want you to raise your voice! Somepony might hear you.” Rarity said smugly. She could just feel Sunlight seething with anger on her back. It made her glad to realize that he wasn’t going to do anything to harm her any time soon. “Settle down now, Sunlight. I’ve got some more business to take care of.” Sunlight only responded with a forced yawn. “Now, here’s the deal. We’ve almost arrived at my boutique, but before we get there I want to make a few things perfectly clear. I don’t want any mishaps inside my living quarters or my work station while I’m finishing up that commission today.” Rarity said, on top of Sunlight’s blubbering fits. “Rule number one: While we are in my boutique I do not want you to touch anything at all—absolutely nothing! My fabrics and tools are delicate and are only to be used by the most dexterous of magicians and unicorns. Rule number two: When I am concentrating on something, no matter how arbitrary it seems to you, you will not bother or blunder or brush against anything at all! That means no groaning, no complaining, no sudden movements, and no… whatever else you could possibly think of to bug me. Rule number three: Please don’t fall asleep on me again. Did you know that you writhe around in your sleep? It’s very unbecoming and it agitates my complexion, so if you could just be a dear and—” “Oh would you ju2t 2hut up!” “Ah! Here we are! My boutique!” Rarity said, ignoring Sunlight’s rudeness. Rarity galloped a short ways, coming to a stop in front of the back door to her quarters. From here, it was just a quick opening and closing of the doors and a run inside, and she could get back to work and pretend that she didn’t have a rude alien on her back. “Wow, a giiant toy cake that you liive iin. Fa2cinatiing.” Sollux droned. Rarity ignored him and did a quick check of the surrounding area—everything seemed to be in order. The walls were free of any sticky toys or otherwise, the roads were nice and tidy, and—oh look! Rarity walked up to look at the new primroses Sweetie Belle had planted just a few days ago. Rarity still wasn’t quite sure if she was up to the task of caring for her own plants yet, but she seemed to be doing a great job of it so far. It is pretty difficult to run down a couple flights of stairs from her bedroom all the way down to the garden to water and fertilize and care for a plant, especially for a little filly! How sweet of her to oh my gosh SWEETIE BELLE WAS INSIDE THE HOUSE RIGHT NOW. “Ohhh no no no no no no!” Rarity stuttered, pacing in a quick circle and looking around the area. Suddenly she remembered everything that Sweetie Belle had told her this morning, but the most prominent one was… okay, it was either that she wanted to try and see if having a Mohawk mane would look cool, or that she was going on yet another quest for her cutie mark today. And where there was cutie mark finding, there were the other Cutie Mark Crusaders just waiting to jump in and start yelling all the time. “What ii2 iit thii2 tiime?” Sollux asked, breaking Rarity’s thought process. Rarity shushed him, and he repeated his question again, only in a much lower voice. Rarity turned her head around to take a quick sweep of the area. Nopony else was there. Good. “Listen Sunlight… Yes okay fine, your name isn’t Sunlight, whatever, just listen. My younger sister Sweetie Belle is inside that house right now and her little friends are coming over today. They could be here any minute, so when they show up, please try your best not to scare them, okay?” “Oh, okay, 2ure. II’ll try two be a2 non-threateniing a2 po22iible. What do you want me two do? Dre22 iin drag and do the hula?” “No! Just… just stay still and be quiet, okay?” “2o you want me two be a 2tatue?” “Ugh, fine, whatever.” Rarity responded, taking some tentative steps towards her door. “Just try to keep calm.” Whatever Sollux said next was a bit too quiet for Rarity to make out, so she straightened herself up a bit, flipped her bangs to the side, and took a deep breath before finally taking the risk and going inside. ----- If there was anything at all that Sollux learned while being in this cavity-inducing hell of a nightmare, it was that the only thing more annoying than talking female ponies playing 20 Questions with him were tiny talking female ponies playing 20 Questions with him. “What’s with the candy on yer head, mister alien?” The little yellow one with the giant pink bow in her mane asked. What was up with that giant pink bow anyway? How did she put it on? Why did she put it on? To make everyone who laid their eyes on her pity her? Not going to happen, you little snot. “Wow, your colors are so dull. And what’s up with your face? Where’s your snout? Wow, you’re so lame.” The orange pegasus pony said, flying right up to his face. The whole no sense of personal space thing was becoming a bit less notable, since he figured that’s just the way all ponies were at this point. But still, Sollux wanted nothing more than to bite that stupid little horse-grub’s snout off. “What does that yellow thing on your shirt mean?” Oh for crying out loud they’re still talking? “Is that your cutie mark?” “Oh! Oh! How’d ya get yer cutie mark, mister alien?” “Yeah, and what does it mean? Inquiring minds want to know!” Yeah, and he wanted to know why the hell a symbol was so important to these dorks. Who cares what your symbol is, anyway? Loosely translated, his symbol meant “Please take this sorry excuse for a troll and throw him in the nearest garbage receptacle, then stuff his face down a load gaper and hike his pants up to his armpits, thus making an example of this pasty high-strung bifurcated idiot who thinks he’s smarter than everyone”. Oh, but he couldn’t possibly tell these little angels that, because that wouldn’t be cute enough. Or something. “Scootaloo! Apple Bloom! M-maybe we should just leave him alone…! He looks a-angry…!” Came the timid voice of the little white one on the weird, soft-looking table thing with all the drapes on it behind him. He figured this one must have been Rarity’s ‘younger sister’, whatever that meant. What was her name again? Oh who cares? He doesn’t. “Ha, no way! I bet his face is just stuck that way normally! It’s pretty ugly if you ask me.” “Scootaloo!” Rarity finally chimed in. “That is no way to treat a guest!” “But why is he on your back in the first place?” Scootaloo asked. She was pretty close. He could just reach over and squeeze her neck… “We don’t know, Scootaloo. But while he’s here, it’s really not ladylike of you to insult him and call him names!” “Ladylike? BLUH! The day I’m ladylike is the day I sleep in a tube of slime!” Sollux cocked an eyebrow at this comment. You mean she didn’t sleep in a tube of slime regularly? That didn’t make much sense. How could she possibly avoid having terrible nightmares without sopor slime? He could have sworn the sopor was the only reason these confounded ponies could possibly be so… so… sickeningly sweet and kooky. “I bet he’s just a big fat loser!” Oh, okay, that’s it. Sollux could take this abuse no longer. He had had it up to his forehead with all these stupid questions and insults. If he didn’t make them shut up right now, he was going to flip his bifurcated lid all the way off this stupid planet. It would just be him and the carcass of this stupid unicorn he was riding, spinning off into space, screaming. That was a good idea actually. “Sunlight! Whatever are you doing!?” Rarity exclaimed. Sollux didn’t really do anything other than chuckle maniacally. He was too happy to bother trying to correct Rarity. Both Scootaloo and Apple Bloom dashed underneath the covers with Sweetie Belle, shivering. It was hilarious. He hardly even did anything! “Who’2 the lo2er now?” “Uh, w-we are?” Sweetie Belle squeaked out. “Ye2 you are. Now GET OUT OF MY FACE!” He yelled. “That sounds like a great idea yep yep yep come on girls let’s go my scooter’s outside we can go somewhere else for our sleepover anyway and—” “II 2AIID GET OUT!” With that, the three tiny ponies bolted out the door as fast as their little hooves could carry them, scared out of their wits. Sollux watched them run away, laughing to himself. These little grubs were so weak! Hadn’t their lusi ever taught them how to defend themselves? How could they be scared of him anyway? He was only six! Sure his teeth were sharp and his claws pointy, but overall he was as weak as a noodle without using his psionic powers. If these ponies were so easily frightened, he may as well do the same to his steed and get off of her quicker. But Rarity had other ideas. It was then that Rarity made a quick bucking motion, which made Sollux land face first on the ground, somehow still being magically bound to Rarity by his leg. How this worked at all was a mystery to Rarity, but not one she bothered trying to figure out. She had a much more pressing matter to attend to, that being giving her immature and antagonistic rider a stern talking-to. “Now, listen here, Sunlight! I know for a fact that I specifically told you not to scare my younger sister and her little friends, and you deliberately disobeyed me! Your behavior is unacceptable and uncouth, and I refuse to tolerate it! I don’t know or care about what you learned as a child or how you grew up, but while you are here in Ponyville and especially while you are here in my boutique, you are not going to behave that way under any circumstances at all! Do. You. Un-der-stand.” “Yeah… II get iit.” Sollux replied, with a cracking voice. “Now, if there will be no more interruptions, I have a dress to finish for my commissioners. They’re expecting it tomorrow, and I will not tolerate tardiness for a request this large. It’s for Hoity-Toity you know, he’s been one of my regulars since that fashion show I did of my dresses for the Grand Galloping Gala and—” “Okay.” he said quietly. Rarity realized she had been babbling, and groaned. Of course this imbecile wouldn’t be interested in her job. Why would he be? From what she could tell, he was probably no older than a young teenager, and teenagers were notoriously closed-minded. “2o am II ju2t goiing two have two 2tay liike thii2 or…?” Sollux asked. “Oh, very well.” She sighed. With another small grunt of disapproval, Rarity lifted Sollux up onto her back again, in a proper rider position, the purple aura of her dexterous magic enveloping him neatly. Everything was prim and proper and neat, and she thought that maybe she could— “Whoa whoa whoa, waiit. You’re a p2iioniic?” “Excuse me?” Rarity spat. What was it now? If this was some ploy to get her to change her mind, she was ready to make it perfectly clear that she was not intending to negotiate anything. “You ju2t u2ed p2ychiic abiiliitiie2 two get me back on your back properly, diidn’t you? That mean2 you’re a p2iioniic.” “I am not a thee-on-ick, I am a unicorn!” “Oh yeah, then how diid you get me up here wiithout hand2?” “I use magic to manipulate objects that I can’t manipulate properly with my hooves.” “2eriiou2ly?” “Well, yes. What were you expecting?” “II expected you two be a hiighblood, but apparently you’re not.” “A high blood?” Rarity mused, beginning to manipulate her environment to work on that final commissioned dress. She knew that this final dress was going to be a brilliant shade of orange, perhaps with a nice little sun in the center in honor of Princess Celestia… “I’m afraid I’m not one of those, dear. My, erm, origins are quite low class, believe it or not.” “Then how did you manage two afford all of thii2?” “Well, it wasn’t really all that hard. Just because my origins were humble doesn’t mean I couldn’t work my way up the ranks.” Rarity started musing a bit on her history, but tried not to dwell on it… come to think of it, perhaps a nice little touch of the middle-class fashions would suit the skirt. Oh, oh, what if there were little dangly pieces of green gemstone wait no that looks terrible. “2o, what, you changed your blood color 2omehow?” Rarity’s concentration was suddenly jolted away from her current dress, causing her to drop all of her supplies. “What is it with you and blood colors? What is there some sort of… nominal importance to what your blood color is? I didn’t even know blood could be different colors!” “Oh yeah, we pretty much have every color in the universe available to us.” Sollux said, “Our empress made up a caste system based on it.” “A caste system? Based on blood color? How does that even work?” “Well, the blue and purple blood2 are on top of the hemo2pectrum, whiich mean2 they’re the nobiiliity and then iit goe2 down from there. II don’t remember how far down iit goe2, but II’m pretty 2ure II’m one of the lowe2t in the 2y2tem.” “Oh, well, that is very interesting… But that’s not what I meant with my question.” Rarity said. This was starting to give her some ideas… Oh, but she couldn’t put a rainbow on this dress, it was part of a 12-part ensemble piece that already had a hood theme going for it, with monochromatic color schemes for the entire outfit save the shoes. It was going to blow everyone away! “Well, what diid you mean?” Sollux asked, breaking Rarity away from her thoughts once again. This time she paid no heed to it, and started holding up different shades of yellow-orange to the burnt ochre of the skirt, trying to find the right color for its lace… “What I meant was… You know, the whole, having different blood colors thing. How is that even possible?” Rarity asked, her curiosity piqued. “How do you never get bored of asking me so many questions all the time?” Rarity dropped the yellow fabric pieces and turned to give a sideways glance to Sollux. Was he trying to pick another fight? “Well! Excuse me for trying to be open-minded to xenophysiology!” “That’2 not a word, diirtbag.” Rarity could have sworn a record had scratched right at that moment. Dirtbag!? HER!? She was not…! Okay, okay, calm down Rarity. Her face began to contort into the ugliest puckers and eyeball twitches, just barely containing her anger and fury! Ah, there we go. Bright eyes, happy smile! She was on top of this. She could do this. She was not going to let some annoying brat get her down today, no sirree! “Listen Sunlight—” “My name ii2 not 2unliight!” “I’m only trying to be polite here!” “And proper pony politeness means badgering me with questions all the time?” Rarity was having a hard time keeping up with these questions. Oh, how selfish could she be? He was right to say that, actually. He must be feeling just awful with the non-stop torrent of questions always coming his way that he had to answer. But on the other hoof, without asking questions about him, someone might get the wrong impression of him and his kind, and treat him badly. She knew only so well how those situations ended… Especially in regards to how the town initially reacted to Zecora. “I need to ask you questions in order to—” “Hey! Here’2 an iidea! Press F1 on your magiic keyboard or 2omethiing 2o II don’t have to explaiin iit all two you liike you’re 2ome dumb wriiggler!” Okay, that’s it. All politeness has officially gone out the window. It was time to assert herself and put this obnoxious little brat in his place! YEAH! “Now listen here you rude little abomination!” Rarity began, only to have the rest of her sentence overshadowed by Sollux’s response. “Ohhh whoa ii2 me! A hor2e lady called me an abomiinaaaaaaaatiion! Oh, all of my honor and diigniity have been dii2graced and loooooooo2t!” “Stop whining!” “Oh, okay, you want me to be more diirect then? Well how’2 THII2?” Sollux yelled, lifting his hand and enveloping it in red magic—Or was it some sort of scientifically explainable thing that was different from magic? Whatever they were, he still managed to use his powers to take an overlaying piece of fabric on Rarity’s current dress, and ripped it clean off. Rarity gasped, boggling at the large, gaping tear from the skirt of her new dress. What has he done!? WHAT HAS HE DONE!? Enraged, she lifted her haunches up, intending on bucking him off of her once and for all. Unfortunately, Sollux saw this a mile coming, and used his other hand to envelope Rarity’s body in blue magic/science. Then, he swiftly directed Rarity’s entire body into the wall, tearing off another piece of fabric from her unfinished dress in the process. “Try that agaiin and ii wiill 2qua2h you!” He yelled out. Rarity was not one to leave this sort of glaring offence to her handiwork unresolved. Did he KNOW how rare burnt orange cotton was to find, let alone getting the necessary materials to make it herself!? With a great heave of her haunches, she activated her own array of magic spells and grabbed a large roll of purple linen, wrapping it around her rider’s torso as quickly as she could, successfully binding him and shutting him up. “Now if you would kindly just stay like that for a while, while I fix up the dreadful mess you made, that would be—oof!” She said, suddenly being hit in the forehead. Evidently Sollux didn’t just need his hands to activate his magic, the way a unicorn needed her horn. Rarity rubbed the part of her forehead where she was hit by the Amazing Flying Spool of Green Thread, rage boiling up to an impossible high. “Oh, it. Is. On!” Their fight would be one worthy of the greatest battle hymns, at least in theory. Fabric, flying everywhere. Bucking and tearing and pulling of hair. Lots and lots of randomly shoving ugly pieces of colored wool, silk, cotton, and linen, all being shoved into one dress in an act of pure spite. Twice Rarity came close to squishing Sollux’s head underneath her flank, three times Sollux almost managed to poke her eyes out. In the end, the dress looked hideous. This was all Rarity could think about when Twilight Sparkle had entered the carousel boutique with Spike, at the insistence of the terrified cutie mark crusaders. With a lighting of her horn, she managed to enact a high-level Traction Spell, freezing both troll and unicorn in place while she lifted them up a few feet in the air. Twilight didn’t even bother to ask what was going on; she had seen enough. “Spike, send an urgent letter requesting an audience with the Princesses. It looks like we need to get these two separated much sooner than we thought.” Twilight ordered, shooting a glare at the two of them. Rarity could feel nothing but shame in that moment, wishing that today had never happened.