The Tale of Twitchums McButternubs
Chapter 7
The Part After the Tuxedo - Part 4 in "The Wedding Trilogy"
Twitchums had left the boutique in a hurry, hoping to leave the memories of his vicious love-making session behind. He smiled as he remembered that his wedding was only a day or two away. Rainbow Dash had purchased a cake, the two had been fitted for their dress and tuxedo, and now there only remained one last detail to attend to. Twitchums thought long and hard to remember what it was, but decided at last that he didn’t care enough and left it to Rainbow Dash. If whatever it was just happened to be missing from the wedding, he could always blame her later!
Twitchums grew a toothy grin on his blue face. The perfect solution…
Suddenly, Fluttershy appeared out of thin air, since it wouldn’t make sense to NOT ship her with him. And what better way than by some completely random force? Anyways, Fluttershy appeared before him, smiling awkwardly. Twitchums towered over the timid mare and glared down, his puny red eye startling her.
A small squeak escaped her mouth, to which Twitchums replied with a cheerful smile. He crouched down to her level and looked into her teal eyes.
“Um, hi…” She said softly, hiding partially behind her pink mane.
“Wazzup, playa?” Twitchums responded. His fantastic use of the English (Equestrian?) language had stunned Fluttershy. Never before had she heard words of such beauty mouthed by another pony. Her heart thumped rapidly in her chest.
“Twitchums, I think you are the sexiest pony in the world. And I love you.” She stated uncharacteristically. Suddenly she realized her mistake and finished: “Ummm, that is… if it’s ok… that I do…”
“Shaddup ho.”
One again, Fluttershy felt her heart beating faster with each silken word that left his rank mouth. Her breathing picked up rapidly, making her feel light headed. Fluttershy watched the world begin to spin, black dots appearing in her field of vision. She stumbled forward, unable to keep herself still.
“Bitch be trippin.” Twitchums laughed.
With that final soliloquy of pure splendidness, Fluttershy fell to the ground in an unconscious heap. Twitchums looked down at her and frowned, his tiny eye squinting so he could see what was going on.
“FLUTTERSHY MY LOVE!” He leapt onto her and performed CPR, restarting her weak heart. Her breathing began erratically but soon returned to normal. Twitchums wiped his brow, obviously relieved that he wouldn’t be going back to prison for murdering yet another pony…
“My baby!” An orange pegasus cried.
“Your baby? Well let’s see how he likes…. GETTING A WEDGIE!” Twitchums grabbed the foal’s diaper and tugged it into its crack. The foal laughed and smiled, causing several audible “awwwww’s” to escape the crowd of bystanders. In his rage, Twitchums then spun the baby and pelted it to its Mother, who received the inbound baby with a fantastic catch.
“Hey bub…” A voice said to Twitchums. He turned to face a muscle bound stallion with a frown etched into his masculine face.
“Yeah?”
“You sick sonnovabitch…” The stallion cracked its neck. A smile appeared. “That was the best danged baby flinging I’ve ever seen! You should go pro!”
Twitchums smiled, but suddenly felt his eye twitch. His heart dropped.
“Hey buddy, your eye ok?”
Twitchums reared back angrily, a cliché lightning bolt cracking in the background for no apparent reason. “Your death will be swift, foolish mortal!” He brought his afro mane down to the stallion and rubbed it against his muzzle. The stallion cringed as he smelt the oils and stench of oober-death. He gasped for air and collapsed.
Twitchums shook his head and regained his sense of location, pushing his dark past back into his mysterious subconscious. OOOOoooOOOoooOOH. He’s such a badass. He picked up Fluttershy with his magic and placed her gently on his back. She remained unconscious but smiled lightly at Twitchums affection.
Upon reaching her cottage, Twitchums casually and gently kicked the door down. Splintered wood shot at rapid speeds at the unsuspecting woodland critters that sought refuge in the home. When they noticed it was Twitchums, they all smile and waved, knowing that since he’s so cool that it’s ok to be a bit douchey.
*NOTE! THIS IS NOT TRUE!*
Twitchums encased Fluttershy in a puke green aura and placed her on her couch. He smiled at the overly adorable mare and proceeded to allow his heart explode when she let out a squeaky yawn in her rest. He recognized the feeling in his chest. The feeling of being in love. The feeling that Fluttershy was in fact his soul mate. Suddenly, her eyes opened slowly. She smiled at him lustfully. Maybe sensuously…. Ok, she smiled at him sensuously. Oooh, that’s good!
An overwhelming feeling of desire swept through the fiery heart of Twitchums McButternubs. He longed to plow that mare like Big Mac would do to the fields, if he were anywhere near as manly as Twitchums were.
Somewhere in the distance Big Macintosh began crying, feeling the sting of Twitchums’ words. What a sensitive little dickens! :3 (Cat face!)
Fluttershy looked up at him and spread her legs, licking her lips. Twitchums began to sweat visibly as sexy Fluttershy tempted him with her body. She giggled at Twitchums who stood with his mouth agape. Suddenly, his mind filled with images of Rainbow Dash.
Must… resist… THE CUTENESS!
He could feel his body drawn in, closer and closer. She reached out her hooves to embrace Twitchums and successfully began pulling him toward her lips. They met briefly and kissed, a feeling of warmth rushing through his body. He pulled away and looked at Fluttershy. Some of her mane lay across her face, revealing only one of her eyes. He could feel her smile at him from underneath her mane and cringed.
Must be strong! For Rainbow Dash! For Applejack!
Suddenly he heard a voice in his head…
[Punch her in the face!]
“Who the hell is that?” He asked aloud to himself. Which is kinda weird, if you ask me.
<He’s Slap! And I’m Jack!> Another, more cheerful voice replied.
Fluttershy gave Twitchums a concerned look and sat up on the couch. She grew a frown.
“Twitchums, is everything ok?” She asked quietly. “Did I… Am I not attractive enough for you…?” Tears began welling up in her eyes. The author became sad at this and wished to himself that he could hug Fluttershy. Realizing he couldn’t, he cried silently.
“Shut yo mouth, Fluttahbitch! I’m talking to somepony important!” He cried, picking up his Shakespearian diction and syntax that made Fluttershy shiver from excitement.
[Dude, you can just think to us. We can hear you.] Slap said.
You mean like this?
<Hey! My text is italicized! That’s not fair! Use those weird {} thingies!> Jack bitched loudly.
{Fine. What do you guys want? And why are you appearing so late in the story? The main characters and their limited backstories have already been presented (and in many cases dismissed entirely)!}
[Simple! We’ll show up every once in a while to liven things up!]
{Hm. Hm. Sounds like a plan. Now STFU while I do stuff. I got a wedding to plan!}
<BYEEEEEE!>
Twitchums returned his mind to the cottage and found Fluttershy sipping a cup of tea. The windows no longer shone bright daylight; stars dotted the twilight sky.
“What happened!?” He asked, shocked by the change of time.
“I don’t know.” Fluttershy responded, taking another long sip of tea. Something about her seemed strange. Her coat and mane were dull and beginning to grey, similar to Rarity. “You pulled away and went into some stupid trance for a few hours. If you ask me, you should’ve stayed like that.” She smiled cruelly.
Twitchums felt tears come to his eyes. “You…you don’t have to be such a meanie!” He sobbed heavily, dropping to his haunches.
The bitch’s cold demeanor dropped s she felt her heart warm slightly from the crying Alicorn, his clichéd metallic tail making strange clanging noises on the hardwood floor.
“I’m sorry Twitchums; I don’t know what came over me!” Fluttershy’s color returned back to creamy-yellow. “Tell you what! I’ll… I’ll…” She looked around her cottage hurriedly while Twitchums McButternubs wept. Her searching gaze met several birds.
“I’ll get together some of my birdie friends to sing at your wedding! I know that you were supposed to be looking for music anyway.” She smiled at Twitchums. His sobbing ceded and he looked up at Fluttershy.
“You’d do that for me?”
“Of course.” She stroked a hoof through his afro mane, feeling a collection of grease and God knows what else rub against it. “Is that a slice of pizza?” She mumbled to herself.
“Oh, Fluttershy! I knew that I loved you for some reason!” He hugged her tightly. “You’re the kindest pony I’ve ever met! Your heart is the greatest feature about you.” Twitchums let go of her and rose to his hooves. Another job well done. And he only suffered from a semi-coma and wept like a baby once! Whatta stud!
He turned to leave the cottage and head toward Sweet Apple Acres where Applejack was waiting for him. Fluttershy slowly rose to her hooves and walked back to her couch. Suddenly Twitchums poked his head back into the cottage.
“Oh! And you’re a hotty patotty!”
His words sent Fluttershy in a frenzy of delight. Her body quivered in ecstasy, pulsing slightly each time she remembered what he said. It was really hot. So Twitchums came inside and had a wrestling match with Fluttershy. And by that I mean they totally did it.
And Angel watched.