//------------------------------// // Welcome to Hell, I'll Be Your Guide // Story: Pinkie Kills Dustin Lange // by InvaderSplorch //------------------------------// "Man, this sucks. College is so boring, the classes are always full of hourly snooze long lectures. My job is a dead-end that barely pays the bills, I have no girlfriend, no lifelong goals....THIS IS HORRIBLE! Man, I wish that something exciting would happen!" Dustin shouted, his eyes darting around in suspense. "Well, yet again life has failed me. WHY LIFE! WHY ARE YOU SO CRUEL, YOU EVIL WITCH!" he shouted into the clear blue sky. The passerby's just stared at him in awkward silence, their scuttling feet breaking the quiet tension looming in the air. With a sigh, Dustin departed home, hoping that writing and maybe a decent show on television would help his mood. With night approaching and his body weary, he yawned and slipped into bed under the sheets. After setting the alarm on his clock, he plopped his face into the soft pillow, the cool fabric molding around his face. Dustin fell asleep, dreaming that he was in a whole new world, complete with excitement, dungeons, and scantily clad women. Chuckling in his sleep, he tossed and turned at the glorious events unfolding within the depths of his mind. The clock read 3:33, the ticking ceasing to a halt. A swirl of shadows emerged next to his bed, revealing a dark and handsome figure. This figure donned a black top-hat with a black trench-coat, the ends of the fabric flickering with dark smoldering flames. He held a long crooked cane adjourned with a skull atop of it. His hands were smooth and refined in the moonlight which shone through the window. His pants were ripped in various locations, chains spilling out of his pockets and resting along his sides. With a slight tap on Dustin's head, the figure awaited Dustin's response. When Dustin merely grunted and farted, the figure groaned in disappointment. "Do I really have to do this? Is he really worth it?" he asked aloud. "Hey, dingleberry wake up." Another grunt from Dustin was his response. "Oh for the love of- WAKE THE HELL UP, YOU MORTAL TWAT!" "AGGJFJGFJHFDJH," Dustin sputtered, confused and scared as what was happening. "Good, you're awake. Now we can-" "Who are you?! Oh my glob I' being robbed!" Dustin interrupted. "Look calm down, I am-" "Aaahhh! I know kung fu man! I-I'll beat your ass with my bare hands!" "Look, I'm here to-" "Help! Someone! Police! Fire!" "WOULD YOU SHUT THE HELL UP!" the figure shouted, his form twisting into a fiery demon. "Now then, I am Eternal. My full name is Eternal Cries, your personal advocate at your service. Here's my business card," he replied, a card appearing in Dustin's hands. "Now then, you have a wish, and I am here to grant it. So, do we have a deal?" "Wish? What wish?" "An exciting life. So deal?" "What? Hold on. 1st, how did you get here? 2nd, why should I make a deal with you? 3rd, what's the price?" asked Dustin. "I got here because you summoned me when you yelled at the sky. Now the other two questions. The price is half of your life span in the afterlife in addition to being my slave. You really should make a deal with me because I'm at least an honest demon. But wait there's more! Act now and you get beatings, a third of them gone from the afterlife! Agree within the next ten minutes and you will have your wish fulfilled, no questions asked!" "Honest?" "I just answered all three questions truthfully and even gave you my business card. Look kid you have, like 20 seconds to accept, otherwise I'm out of here and reporting you." "Reporting? For what?!" Dustin demanded, his cheeks flared in anger. "For summoning a demon and denying him service. Because the summoner has refused the service offered before him, he or she will now be permanently banned for future wishes from both heaven and hell counterparts as underlined in section 10 paragraph 3 of the Code of the Living Justice," Eternal stated, handing him an open book with the paragraph in highlights. "Well, you got me there. So, the wish right?" "Yep, anything you want. Remember, you can have that one or change it however you desire. Go nuts, the sky's not the limit!" exclaimed Eternal. "I wish...I wish for an exciting life, one where I'm appreciated for me being me, a world where no one knows me, but I know all of them. A world where I can live in happiness and harmony." "Your wish is GRANTED!" Eternal shouted, his body glowing with green symbols. The symbols melted off of his body and burned themselves into Dustin, the Greek letters searing into his flesh before vanishing. "That hurt! You didn't tell me it would hurt!" "You didn't ask. Oh, and by the way, that whole justice thing was made up. Man, I'm good," Eternal chuckled. "B-B-But there was a book, and highlights, and the whole speech." "All made up on the spot. Pretty good huh? Look kid, you don't get to live this long without some tricks up your sleeve. Got me?" "So how old are you?" "Well that's rude to ask. No, I ain't telling you. Just wait." "Wait for what?" "Your wish to activate. It takes time, moron. It ain't a toaster strudel. I have to wait for the deal to go through y'know. The paper has to be routed up through my chain of command, it has to be copied and signed, yada-yada." "Paper?" "Your skin, dufus. The searing flesh is used as the paper and the letters replace the missing pieces, like a skin graft but instead with magic. Oh and you never specified which world by the way." "You don't mean-" "A world with torture, a world full of pain. I have a found a world that will torment your soul, your inner being crying for death." Dustin's heart sank as he was so sure he had made the most concise wish possible. "I am taking you into Ponyville, Ahahahahaha!!" Eternal laughed, lightning cracking sharply outside the window. "OH YES! OH THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!" Dustin shouted. "Huh? Wait....Are you one of those?" Eternal replied, his fingers making air quotes on the last word. "A human?" Dustin replied. "You're not the sharpest tool in the shed are ya kid? A b-oh wait. A br- oh my, wait. A bro- aaaa no, no I got this. A brooooonnnny," he said, his face elongating the letters while his face scrunched in agony. "Yeah, so?" "So you like the ponies and like buy the stuff?" "Yesss." "And you like write stories of them and stuff?" "Well yeah sometimes." Eternal blinked a few times, his mouth occasionally opening before shutting close. "If you make a story of this I swear I will come back and just kill you. I don't care what happens to me, I'll just do it. I will have uhhhhh, who's the like big strong one on the farm there?" "You asking me?" "No, I'm asking your girlfriend who it is. OF COURSE I'M ASKING YOU!" "Oh, well that would be Applejack." "No, the red one." "Big Mac?" "I think so, anyways I will-" "Babe? Are you not done with this twerp yet?" asked a woman standing behind Dustin. She had two bright yellow horns jutting out of her long, slender purple hair. The dark purple haze outfit contorted to her body, revealing off all of her luscious assets. She was playing with a green collar around her neck while her tail sashayed back and forth behind her. She glanced at Dustin and smiled, her perfume filling his nostrils. "Hey, I'm huuungry," she complained. "I know, I'm almost done here. I will be there in like 2 minutes." "But I'm hungry nooow," she whined. "Look, I'm getting things settled. The paperwork is almost done, ok? Just be patient." She pouted and sucked her left cheek in, glaring down at Dustin. "I'm just gonna feed off him ok? You won't mind right? It is my job after all," she firmly stated, her words toying with Eternal's head. "Alma, I swear." "Swear what? You're working right? And he's about to go away right? So why can't I have a little fun, hmmm? Hey, there, you seem kinda lonely. Want to feel the warmth of me for awhile?" she asked, her top teeth grinding along her bottom lip in anticipation. "Paper's done! Finally! Bye kid! Time to go!" Eternal shouted, a hole opening up next to Dustin. Dustin glanced over at this new rip in space, his body being forcefully pushed into it. "Oh and since you pissed me off, now you arrive with no clothes and an erection! You never specified you didn't want one! Enjoy!" he shouted, the dark figure disappearing out of Dustin's sight. Dustin traveled through this portal, different vibrant colors slowly passing his field of view. He saw the various degrees of the hexagonal plane, the different layers of the mighty moon worm all lied bare before him. He saw the realm of shadows dance before his eyes, the various darkness swirling around his fragile frame. And just as slow as time was passing, it slowly sped up. Feeling like he was stuck in the tunnel at the Wonka factory, Dustin started to panic...and not just screaming. He screeched like a howler monkey, his limbs flailing about in horror. It also didn't help that he was still rock hard while all of this was going on around him. What seemed like an eternity Dustin's vision was blinded by a white hot piercing light. Dustin merely groaned, his groggy state fully enveloping his body. He still couldn't see very well with his vision still blurry, the images wavering back and forth. He felt something very soft in his hands, almost like a fleece pillow. He couldn't quite make out what he was holding, his tender palms making small circles around the area. It seemed really soft and he relished in the fact that hopefully it wasn't something trying to kill him. His hearing apparently was also affected by the transportation process as he heard small distorted words. "Me?" "W-What?" "I said......me?!" the voice asked sternly. "I'm sorry I can't see or hear very well. One more time?" asked Dustin, hoping he could hear her clearly. "I SAID ARE YOU TRYING TO MOUNT ME?!" screamed the mare. Dustin's vision regained its glory, a small lump of flesh in his hands. He saw a tail that stuck out sharply past his right thigh. He traced the end of the tail back to its base, where it seemed that- "OH HOLY CRAP I'M SORRY!" What Dustin failed to realize sooner is that he was holding a soft, supple flank in his hand. The small circles he was making turned out to be him rubbing the buttocks of the mare before him, now staring angrily at this bizarre creature. And to make matters worse, Dustin's lower head was still excited. All of this combined into one moment of time made Dustin now wish that he was dead. Oh this cannot be happening he thought to himself. "Sis are you alright?" yelled the filly from the next room. "I'm all right Sweetie Belle, it's under control," Rarity replied. "Now who in the hay are you? And what were you doing back there?" she demanded. "U-U-Uh well, first, I'm deeply sorry about that," Dustin stuttered. "And secondly, I was transported here through a portal from another plane of existence. Why I was put in that situation I will never know. But, I'm deeply sorry again for my hands. I couldn't see and I was trying to figure out where I was." "And the reason you were, ahem, ready?" she scoffed, limply waving her hoof at Dustin's nether region. "Eternal cast a spell on me and made me like this." "Who is this Eternal?" "He's an interesting character, a demon." "Oh? Demon?" "Long story, anyways, you have a towel or something to wrap my self in?" Dustin asked bashfully. Rarity thought about giving him a towel, but then an ingenious idea struck her mind. Here is this creature, naked, scared, and totally in her control. He doesn't have any clothes and what kind of proper lady tosses a poor creature out the door, even if it was repulsive and grotesque. So, why not give him clothes that look styling as well as comfortable? A sparkle emerged in her eyes, Dustin wincing in response. With her hoof in the air and muttering, "One quick sec," Rarity hurried herself into work mode. Dustin just stood in the room bare, his hands covering his manhood. Sweetie Belle walked into the room with her head tilted sideways and a sickening look on her face. "Siiiiis, why is there a nude creature in the room?" "He's from another dimension and needs our help. Don't touch him please!" Rarity singsonged, a sewing machine whirring in the background. "Is he the one that tried to mount you?" she yelled back, Dustin's gaze wavering along the ground. "SWEETIE BELLE! WHERE DID YOU LEARN THAT?" "From you ok? I LEARNED IT FROM YOU!" Sweetie Belle shouted back. "Oh, right. And no, he didn't," she replied. "Did you want him to?" Sweetie Belle smirked. "WHATUFHDGKHHFM," Rarity shouted angrily. "Nothing, just I haven't seen you with a stallion in like foreeeeeever," she toyed, walking past Dustin and up the stairs. "That little," Rarity snarled through her gritted teeth. "Here, put this on!" she demanded. "Uhhhhh, ok," Dustin acknowledged, putting on the pair of boxers first. He donned a pair of tight blue pants, the seams perfectly stitched alongside the outside of the trousers. The v-neck design in the crotch allowed for comfort of the boys, while still maintaining the outline of a bulge. The shirt was plaid with white and red cross stitching along each row of the shirt. Rarity was pleased with the outcome, but it felt she was missing something. "How could I forget? Shoes!" she shouted, her body jumping off of the ground. "Oh wait, but it's sooooooo boring to shop alone. Oh wait, I'll invite someone, hold on real quick. She really could use a new pair of shoes, let me tell you." Rarity sprinted out of the room, a confused and now moderately dressed Dustin sitting down on the soft, scotch-guarded couch. While Dustin sat there, admiring his wardrobe, he pondered at what he would do next. This whole situation already sounds like a poorly written fanfiction Dustin thought to himself. It's like someone was extremely bored with their sad, pathetic lives and started to write about me. Dustin started to question his existence when Rarity came back into the room. "Darling, my friend will be here in 3....2....1." Loud, furious knocks came from the front door. Rarity opened the door and greeted her friend before a pink blur burst through the door and was staring at Dustin, her eyes fixated on this new creature. "Ooooo, who's this?" Pinkie asked. "That would be Dustin, he needs a new wardrobe. The only thing he needs now is shoes," replied Rarity as she strutted boastfully towards them. "Um, you're kind of in my personal space," said Dustin, his eyes mere centimeters from Pinkie's. "Woops, my bad," giggled the pink cotton candy pony. "Where did you get the cotton candy pony?" asked a confused Dustin. "Darling, it's not best to ask questions. It's just better to accept that you're alive and move on," replied Rarity, her eyes lowered in agitation. "Well I guess it's better than her breaking the 4th wall," laughed Dustin. "Oh you mean this?" asked Pinkie, punching a hole into space itself, a fragment falling onto the floor. Codes of 1's and 0's were running rampant in the background while Dustin's jaw fell wide open. "Pinkie! How many times must I tell you to stop breaking things?" Rarity questioned, scorn in her voice. "Pinkie, come help us! We need your help; Neo needs your help!" a voice shouted from the vortex. "How many times must I repeat myself? That game is boring!" shouted Pinkie, quickly patching the hole with quick cement before tossing the spreader out the door. The hole now fully sealed slowly vanished from everyone's sight. Dustin just sat there, his brain exploding into perfect pint-sized pink particles. I'ts Pinkie after all. As long as I'm with Rarity I should be fine. If I'm with her, I will surely die he thought. Rarity's telephone rang, signaling her departure from the room. Pinkie merely rolled on the floor, giggling the entire time she did this strange act. Dustin quivered in fear, his mind racing and praying that he wouldn't have to be with this pony. He knew that Pinkie was funny and crazy, but holy hell he was not prepared for a first person encounter. "Sorry dear, but it seems a rush order for a complete bride and bridesmaid's dresses are in order. Pinkie, can you bring him downtown and find him a nice pair of shoes? Oh and while you're at it, why not grab a pair for yourself?" asked Rarity, her voice sinking Dustin's heart into the pit of his stomach. "Okie dokie lokie! Let's go Dustin!" yelled Pinkie, her hoof grabbing Dustin's hand and pulling him out of the house. In all sense of the word it really wasn't a pull as Dustin just floated through the air while Pinkie sprinted through town. I am really going to die. This is it. This is my end now thought Dustin as he just listlessly wavered above the ground.