Day, Big Mac, and Spike were left alone for a few calm hours- at least long enough for Big Mac to reattain his usual stoicism. They spent their entire time at the Sugarcube Corner talking with Carrot Cake the co-owner of the Corner, gentleman, scholar, and apparently veteran of the Great Custard War of 997. Day didn't exactly believe him.
"So you're telling me there was an honest to god war, fought outside Ponyville, solely with types of weaponized custard? By pastry chefs? Not buying it." Day snorted through the ridiculous question because he kept imagining 300-esque fight scenes with a group of ponies charging each other and screaming their heads off.
Carrot Cake nodded earnestly and picked up his glass of Applejack Daniel's. Some time ago, he had decided that stallionly stallion time required apple whiskey. Day was slightly miffed that he could not partake of what he assumed was a particularly strong specimen of the Apple family's most popular product. Funny how universal inebriation was.
Carrot took a sip, "Yeah, that was a bad few months. Trenches everywhere between Ponyville, Manehatten, and Canterlot, checkpoints on the roads... there was a custard bombing on the train early on. No one trusted the rails afterward til after the hostilities finally ended."
Carrot Cake shuddered and took another drink, "The worst of the fighting happened right before the finals for the Custard Competition. Only three teams left at that point, Cup, Pinkie, and I for Ponyville, The Brown Souffle Kitchen in Manehatten, and the Whip twins representing Canterlot's College of Fine Culinary Arts."
Carrot Cake continued in a slightly haunted tone, "There were hundreds of ponies that signed up at first but after they all got knocked out of the running in the heats... they joined up under the finalists banners. That was the worst part. Each faction had spies from towns and cities close to the finalists' homes and businesses. I don't know how we would have survived without Pinkie's super senses."
Carrot got a far away look in his eyes, "She saved us on the day we were supposed to take an armored carriage to the neutral fairground where the finals were going to happen. I'll never forget it. Tail twitch left, right foreleg spasm, ear flop, tongue waggle, gasp... she didn't hesitate. Just slammed us down to the ground before the carriage exploded with Strawberry custard. We were lucky. A few ponies were caught in the blast... they've never been the same. Berry Punch doesn't like to talk about it but she didn't pick up the habit of high functional alcoholism until after she was released from the hospital."
Spike spoke up suddenly. Day had forgotten he wasn't the only one to be stone-cold sober at the table. What he heard left him in shock.
"That snooty Delicate Whip was talking about that in Donut Joe's. Said she couldn't believe you and Cup had survived..." Spike said darkly. He was on his third milkshake, "when Joe heard the casualty reports for that, he almost tossed her out on her flank. If he hadn't been their spymaster... well... he did his job."
Carrot nodded, "That shade and consistency was very distinctive, it was an open secret during the finals that the Whips had tried a last minute assassination. Of course, none of that information is admissible in the courts but we know. We all know."
Day shuddered at the ominous and slightly slurred tone, "Wait. WAIT. You know about this too Spike? You're not both fucking with me?"
Spike nodded, "I wasn't in the fighting, mostly support staff and communications. But almost all the foodies in the city were involved in the war. They left the fighting to the chefs though. No one without baking experience could have lasted past the front."
Carrot's nostrils flared and he huffed angrily, "At least Canterlot was civilized about it. I don't know how many kids I had to cream that were on the Manehattan front. The Kitchen was a disgrace. They sent out their store clerks like cannon fodder... anything to get more hooves on the ground."
Day grew concerned when his eyes gained a far away look and he knocked back a full glass of AJ, "There was a kid... couldn't have been 16... he'd been shoved into one of my custard pits. He just didn't stop laughing. Just kept eating and eating and the laughter. I hear him in my sleep sometimes and he never ever stops. Why was he laughing!?!!"
Carrot almost screamed his question at the end of his haunted rant. Cup ran over at the sound of her husband's distress.
She took in Spike's grim expression, Day's worried incredulity, her husbands tears, and Big Mac's stoic and thoughtful stare. She slid into the booth next to her husband; Spike gracefully slipped under the table to sit next to Day and leave room for Mrs. Cake.
"The War?" Cup Cake asked quietly. She slowly rubbed her husband's shoulder and leaned into his side.
Spike nodded and slid his empty milkshake glass to the side, "Yeah."
He sighed and shook his head, "I never thought you three had it so bad out here... Donut Joe never had too much information to act on here. I just assumed that most of the war was quiet out here."
It went unsaid that he'd been caught up in the very Canterlot attitude that Ponyville was an unimportant town of backwoods dirt ponies beneath their notice. Spike found it slightly shameful that he'd had that attitude, if more softly and delicately expressed than the borderline classist view common to the Canterlot socialite.
Cup nodded, "Don't worry, dearie. It's not the first or last time Ponyville's been overlooked. This time though..."
She grinned mischievously, "Did you know that Joe has a little sister? And a niece?"
Spike shook his head, "He never mentioned any family..."
Cup laughed, "Well, he would have been terrible spymaster if he had. Though now that you're here I guess you won't tell anyone... his sister is none other than Colgate and his niece in Colgate's daughter Skitty."
Spike laughed, "Skitty! You mean Cheep-Chirp is related to Joe. Oh man... and Colgate? She... hates sugar. Are you sure?"
"Oh, yes. Ask her about the Sonic Brush-style sometime." Cup replied smugly, "She was the Mint Breeze. I'm surprised that you never put it together, actually."
Spike paled, "She was the Breeze?"
Cup's smile turned almost predatory but she didn't reply.
Day finally spoke up, "Am I missing something?"
Spike shuddered, "The Breeze was an unknown pony that started operating in the middle of the war... right after Joe volunteered for the... position... of... spymaster."
Spike trailed off and his expression turned to wonderment, "He was a double agent. Oh my dear sweet Celestia, he was a double agent!"
Cup Cake sighed, "Not just a double agent. He and Colgate... they were..."