For a moment, Noctilucent thought that he might throw up all over Princess Luna. He felt his guts twisting and churning, and a powerful wave of nausea broke over him, leaving him unable to do anything but lie there limply next to Princess Luna while he struggled to draw breath.
A ticking sound could be heard from a clock upon a bookshelf.
Too distressed to even count backwards, Noctilucent wondered how much more of this he could endure. He felt Quirky touch him, her hoof warm and soothing upon his skin. Her body radiated soothing warmth, and not the reckless heat of anger. He was beginning to know her moods by the ambient temperature around her.
“I never once blamed you for any of this, even during the worst of my depressions. You were far too fragile and sweet… this was all a tragic accident… a simple twist of fate… something went wrong and… and… and I still love you so much… I can only imagine how this must of hurt you then… and how hearing this must hurt you now,” Merriweather stammered.
“I tried to kill myself…” Noctilucent confessed, his voice a nasal whine.
Merriweather made a wordless sound of sorrow and stared at Noctilucent, wishing that somehow, she could comfort him. Her eyes darted to Quirky, then back to Noctilucent, and she saw the love in Quirky’s eyes. She swallowed, and said nothing, not knowing what to say just yet.
“The rape… and so many other things, they all brought me down. They laid me low. I shattered my own wing and tossed myself off of a cliff. And then a lot of things happened that I don’t even know how to begin to explain. I ended up in an orphanage working as a caretaker…”
Noctilucent fell silent, struggled to draw breath, made a few shuddering false starts, and then was able to continue…
“... I look after the foals. Princess Luna rescued me. She gave me purpose in my life. She found a way for me to be happy again. I’ve had to work very hard to get my life together. I see a therapist. I have a mare that is like my mother now. I have Quirky. I have Shortbread Cookie and Pyrocumulus, two little infant foals that are my entire reason for living and I love more than any words could express. What I did to you tore me up inside. It ruined my life. The guilt devoured me from within and left me hollow. I… there is so much more to say but I don’t know how...” Noctilucent said, his words trailing off into silence.
“I want to know… whatever happened to the rapist?” Quirky asked. Her voice was quiet and silky, but something about her soft spoken words suggested violence and fiery death.
“Storm Score was released from prison… but he is not yet done being punished,” Princess Luna said. “The nightmares will continue endlessly until he finally relents and feels true remorse for what he has done. He has suffered like few others will ever suffer. He still holds to his pride, and because of this, will remain haunted. He will probably never know a restful night’s sleep.”
“You really love him.”
The words were not a question. Merriweather’s statement was one of fact. It was simple, direct, honest, and spoken directly to Quirky. Merriweather’s feathers ruffled and there were faint sounds as her wings twitched nervously. She couldn’t bear to hear about Storm Score and wanted to redirect the conversation, hence her statement to Quirky.
“I love him,” Quirky said. “I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you. To see him again, to still love him…”
“It is remarkably easy actually,” Merriweather admitted. “I love him, but to be totally honest, I could never make him happy. I’ve been celibate since the rape. I… I… can’t… there is one last hurdle that I haven’t been able to overcome. And to be totally honest, I do not think I ever will. It would be selfish and awful of me to even think about wanting to keep him just for the sake of having him around and not be able to make him happy… to physically express my love. But I also know that I will never be able to stop loving him. He… he was the one. I can see it in your eyes… you know what I am talking about. He’s the one for you too… so please, look after him. He’s fragile. He’s sensitive and honest in his affection… Noctilucent… I… you… Quirky… I don’t want to give him up completely. I don’t want him vanishing again and I can’t bear the thought of never speaking to him again… I… this is complicated-”
“There is nothing stopping us from all being very good friends. If you still love him, I understand. I am willing to share his heart with you,” Quirky said in a strained voice. “It would be cruel of me to keep him from you.”
The two mares lapsed into silence, studying one another. Princess Luna watched them both while Noctilucent was busy attempting to count backwards from one hundred yet again to try and get his overwhelmed emotions back in order.
“I just want to hear his voice from time to time. Or see him smile,” Merriweather whispered, breaking the silence. “Nothing else. I made peace with not having him quite some time ago in therapy.”
“We could support one another,” Noctilucent stated, losing track of his count and speaking his thoughts. “We could visit. You could visit. Maybe between the three of us, we could find a way to heal together.”
Offering up a weak smile, Merriweather nodded. “I would like that.”
“Where is your foal? Feldspar?” Noctilucent inquired in a raspy wavering voice that was thick with emotion.
“He is in school. I should be in school as well, but I took a day off just for today. He is the other male in my life that I love,” Merriweather responded, her words slow and carefully spoken. “I never blamed him for what happened. I thought I would hate him. I really did. I thought about giving him up for adoption. But then he was born. C-section. I was still too damaged back there for a healthy birth, and the pressure upon my dock would have been agonising. I was so scared and crying and having a nervous breakdown and then the nurse placed him in the bed with me. He was tiny and little and he just sort of laid there on my barrel… and I stared at him for several minutes not knowing what to do, what to say, what to feel. I finally worked up enough courage to touch him. I put a foreleg around him. And then I felt the love I wasn’t sure would be there.”
“I am glad… I am glad that he makes you happy,” Noctilucent whispered in a raspy voice.
“He is mommy’s perfect little gentlecolt,” Merriweather stated.
“I wish I could meet him,” Noctilucent said softly.
“I would like that. But not now… when he is older, more mature maybe, and can understand some of what has gone on. He knows nothing about what happened and I don’t want him knowing,” Merriweather replied.
“When he’s older, I look forward to meeting him,” Noctilucent agreed.
“So you tried to kill yourself… that makes me sad. I always knew you were too soft hearted for your own good,” Merriweather commented.
“I have been diagnosed with severe atelophobia. Is the fear of not being good enough. It is a crippling social anxiety disorder. I also suffer from dysthymia as well… it was never diagnosed or treated. It is a persistent but mild depression. If left untreated, it will become overwhelming when coupled with other disorders. I deal with both through aggressive therapy and finding something to give me a sense of self worth,” Noctilucent explained.
“Sounds like you’ve learned a lot about them,” Merriweather replied.
“I’ve enrolled in the University of Las Pegasus, in their psychology program,” Noctilucent answered. “I want to give a whole bunch of deserving foals a better chance. I intend to operate a therapeutic foster home.”
“I became a schoolteacher and you are becoming a foal psychologist. What a pair we are,” Merriweather quipped. “Life screwed us over and we’ve gone on to help others while still being broken ourselves.”
“Is it hard being a teacher after what happened?” Quirky asked.
Smiling, Merriweather shook her head no. “I work with young foals. Very young. I try to teach them manners, gentleness, respect for one another. The way I see it, rape prevention begins in the earliest stage of development. I go after the tail pullers and the ear tuggers and those little colts and fillies that are just a little too bossy for their own good, and then I gently redirect those energies into other activities.”
“Merriweather is being far too modest. She’s won several awards and is seen as one of our generation’s prominent educators. She specialises in foal development and behavioural management. She takes problem foals and turns them into well behaved foals with a focused sense of direction. She takes bullies and turns them into nurturing group leaders,” Princess Luna interjected.
“Too early to say that… the program has only been around for two years. The foals I take into my classroom do show a marked improvement for their empathy to others and turn into protectors rather than bullies… but it is far too early to say what will happen when they grow up,” Merriweather explained.
“This sounds like a fascinating program,” Quirky said as she stroked her hoof along Noctilucent’s spine.
“Nopony knows how it will turn out,” Merriweather stated. “Princess Celestia and Princess Twilight Sparkle have both given grants to expand the program.”
“And I have supplied the program with an army of psychologists,” Princess Luna said. “This aligns with my goals of preventing suicides. How many suicides are caused by bullies? By cruel and heartless behaviour? The preservation of life begins with teaching foals the value of life.”
“I’ve left a mess upon your neck,” Noctilucent whispered.
“I do not care,” Princess Luna said dismissively. “Love bears all things.”
“I feel really good about our meeting today,” Merriweather said. “I’ve dreamed about this. For a long time, I thought perhaps I was holding on to a fantasy… that maybe it was damaging behaviour… I thought about letting go of my hopes and just moving on. I’m glad I held on.”
“I am glad we met,” Quirky said to Merriweather.
“I am glad my nightmare is over,” Noctilucent murmured.
“Please… I really hope that you mean that we can be friends. That we will stay close. I want that more than anything else in life… just to know that you are okay and happy. If you leave here today and we never speak again, it will break my heart, Noctilucent. As it is, I already know I will spend each day fretting, wondering, worrying if you are actually going to contact me... write me a letter... come and visit me. I have no way of knowing if you will actually do what you promise… You are the only other male I still fully trust. Please, please don’t disappoint me,” Merriweather begged
“Don’t you dare disappoint her, Noctilucent,” Quirky said firmly.
“I don’t intend to,” Noctilucent whimpered, hearing the hard edge in Quirky’s voice. He turned his head to look at her and offered a supplicating smile. “I am so relieved. I mean, I feel so overwhelmed from so many emotions and it is going to take me forever with Dr. Lethe to figure this out, but I feel so much better. Lighter. Like I could fly again.”
“I feel better too…” Merriweather stated.
“Noctilucent, what did Dr. Lethe tell you to remind yourself after we made it through the worst of our meeting today?” Princess Luna asked Noctilucent.
“We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, and lose in order to gain,” Noctilucent replied, closing his eyes and reciting word for word the phrase that Dr. Lethe had him memorise.
“And what does Dr. Lethe want for you to do?” Princess Luna inquired.
“To reflect upon how this situation and that statement apply to one another,” Noctilucent answered.
“Very good,” Princess Luna praised.
“I’ve faced my fears, and this meeting wasn’t anywhere as bad as I believed it would be… I faced the hurt that I knew was coming, and I know I will grow from it. I am not sure about the failure part just yet. And I am going to need lots of time thinking about what Merriweather gains by letting go of me, and how this applies to me and my personal development as an equine,” Noctilucent said thoughtfully. “I am sure there are plenty of other things I will think of in time.”
“Would you three like some coffee now that we have reached some sort of resolution on this issue?” Merriweather offered. “I have tea as well. Or grape soda. Maybe now we could sit back and talk about happier things. I want to know more about Shortbread Cookie… and Pyrocumulus is what I think I heard as a name. And the other foals.”
“Coffee would be lovely,” Quirky replied graciously.
“I also have a pie in the refrigerator. Lemon custard. I knew Noctilucent was coming. I specifically requested that they made it sour,” Merriweather stated.
“Oh that sounds lovely,” Noctilucent said, a sad but hopeful smile spreading over his lips.
“Now I know for certain that you love Noctilucent…” Quirky stated.
“Noctilucent is the only pony I know that is happy when life gives him lemons,” Merriweather said, a faint hint of laughter in her voice.
“I like knowing that I am loved…” Noctilucent said in a barely audible whisper. “I feel so much better… I think I am finally starting to believe that I am going to be okay.”