The Derpy Report

by Owlor

Pinkie Pie

When Pinkie Pie woke up, the first thought that buzzed trough her mind was ‘How long was I out?’

Actually, her first thought was ‘Occasions, persuasions clutter your mind. Incense and peppermints, the color of time,’ but that was the first coherent question that came to her mind. However, this thought was soon replaced with ‘Why am I hugging Derpy?’. She searched for the most eloquent way to express her confusion.

“Uuuuugh,” Pinkie offered, unsure on how to start calming her doubts. “Ugh?”

“I'm sorry, I don't speak that language.” Something inside Pinkie Pie’s head was hurting prompting her to place a hoof against her her forehead, massaging her temples for a moment.. She held it there until she stopped feeling like the world around her was spinning, then she tried again.

“Why am I lying in bed? Also, why am I lying in bed together with you?”

“I don't know,” Derpy said. “Mrs. Cake said she found you on the floor of the bakery and that she carried you up here. She told me that if I wanted to talk to you I should wait until you woke up, so I did. But there was no place to sit, so I sat down on the bed.

“Then you turned over muttering something about a 'strawberry alarm clock' and started to hug me. I didn't wanna wake you ‘cus you looked so sleepy, so I just waited for you to wake up. By the way, your ceiling has 108 tiles.“

“Oooh, you counted them?” Pinkie Pie said, voice brimming with weary delight. “I like the fourth one in the third row best myself, ‘cus it has a little crack in it that looks like a flower.” She smiled as Derpy tried to locate it.

“That is a pretty ceiling tile,” she said after she found it. “I like how some things look like other things, like how you can sometimes see shapes in the clouds.”

“I like that too,” Pinkie replied, still nursing her headache. “But what did you want to talk to me about?”

“I was gonna ask you questions,” Derpy said. “But somehow we got it backwards... Oh! Hang on!”

Derpy dove down to the floor to retrieve her spoon. Like before, she held it out in front of her like a microphone and Pinkie Pie looked at it with a cryptic smile of recognition.

“Oh, you're doing a spoon interview!” she said. “It all makes sense now!”

“Yep!” Derpy replied, glad that somepony seemed to understand.

“What a nice idea!” Pinkie Pie said. “That could be a show, you should call it 'Spooning with Derpy!' Wait, that doesn’t sound right... Anyway, what’s your first question?”

“Same as yours actually,” Derpy replied. “I was wondering why you were asleep in the middle of the day. If you don't know, maybe we can figure it out together!”

Derpy looked around the room for clues. The place was a mess, a heap of trash was towering in front of the bed and a hundred strange objects was strewn across the room. Unfortunately, very little of this was informative.

For example, she had no idea where Pinkie Pie had gotten hold of a lizard tail and wading boots, or why she had put them on what appeared to be a mannequin from Rarity’s boutique. But, she was pretty sure that they weren’t the cause of Pinkies blackout, merely the result of it.

When she peeked under the bed, however, she found something that could be a clue. It was an empty bag surrounded by a large number of candy wrappers. She reported her findings to Pinkie.

“...and I'm sure I didn't do this!” Derpy cried. “I was busy helping Applejack.”

“Yes, I remember now!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Rainbow Dash just came home from Cloudsdale with a bag of candy and gave me strict instructions to only eat one at a time.

“'This is a really sweet candy, it goes straight to your head', she said to me. So naturally I emptied the bag. Then most of my memories after that consist of me dancing around a maypole with monkeys, and one of the monkeys has a sundae on top of his head, whats up with that? And after that I woke up here.”

“You don't remember anything else? When did Rainbow Dash come home?” Derpy asked.

Pinkie Pie tried to think, but it only made the headache return.

“What day is it?” she asked.

“Friday.” Derpy replied and Pinkie’s eyes widened to the size of dish-plates.

“Oh deariest, she came home Wednesday!” she said and with that she jumped out of the bed as the blanket trailed behind her like a cape.

“We have to get to the bottom of this!” Pinkie Pie shouted in a mock-heroic voice. “Come on Dr. Parker, the game is ahoof!”

“No fair, I wanted to be Solaris Pons!” Derpy protested.

Pinkie jumped into the pile of junk and from it she retrieved a deerstalker cap, a pipe and a fake mustache, the latter she promptly discarded.

“But I’m the one with experience, have I told you about the case of the Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness? I'll have you know I successfully de-clued the clues once Twilight pointed them out to me! Also, I’ve already figured out who done-diddly-did it!” Pinkie said, gesturing with the pipe.

“Oooh, already?” Derpy sounded genuinely impressed.

“Yes!” Pinkie Pie said. She huffed on the pipe and a sequence of pretty bubbles emerged from it. One of Derpy’s eyes trailed them until they burst.

“The criminal is me, ‘cus I am the one who dood it, remember? Because I don't. I just need to find out what I did and the case is closed.”

Derpy silently considered this for a moment. Pinkie's assumption did seem like a sound reasoning to her... besides, she was the one who was asking the questions, after all — not to mention, using the detective hat.

”I suppose I am Dr. Parker.” she thought to herself and picked up a bowler hat from the heap.

The two ponies was about to go outside, but as they opened the door, Pinkie Pie flinched. She hadn’t quite been prepared for the bright midday sun. The rays stung her eyes and she held a hoof up to shield herself from the light.

“Are you okay?” Derpy asked when she saw Pinkie Pie staggering out.

“I’m fine,” Pinkie replied. Once her eyes adjusted, she looked around for suspicious ponies.

Something clicked in her brain and she suddenly decided that Granny Smith was the most suspicious pony in town, maybe because she was the only pony around. Pinkie Pie approached her and Granny Smith's eyes glazed over with confusion as she met Pinkie's cold stare.

“Can I help you with somethin', dearie?” she asked.

“Where were you on Sunday the 25th of april?” Pinkie Pie asked her with her face just a few inches from Granny Smith’s snout. Startled by this random question, Granny dropped her purse.

“I... don't remember?” she said. “Which year?”

“So you confess?!” Pinkie Pie shouted. “We already have evidence on you. We could have you sent off to Celestia's dungeons unless you cooperate!”

“We have evidence?” Derpy asked, because this was news to her.

“I'm just making the perp sweat,” Pinkie Pie whispered to her. “It's a technique we detectives use.”

“Oh.” If the goal was to make the old mare sweat, it certainly succeeded.

“I confess, I confess!” Granny Smith cried. “I was the mastermare behind the moonshinin' ring back in april '68, but ya'll never catch me alive, never!” She picked the purse up and started swinging it wildly.

“Ouch, wait!” Pinkie Pie yelped. “I wasn't talking about that! We're investigating what I done the 25th of April this year not what you did back in... whenever that was. Ouch! Please stop hitting me!”

Granny Smith stopped and looked pretty guilty. “You ain't gonna tell nopony about what I just said, right?” She gave them both a narrow gaze.

“No, we ain't gonna tell nopony,” Pinkie Pie reassured her. “Wait, then we would tell somepony... I mean yes we are gonna tell nopony. No wait. I mean no, we are not gonna tell somepony, how many negatives did your sentence have again?”

Pinkie Pie descended into confusion and Derpy took over the conversation. “Did you see Pinkie Pie around here yesterday, like, acting strange?”

“Well, why didn't you say so,” Granny Smith said and turned towards Pinkie Pie. “Yes, you were walking down the street with this smile on your face and tossing flowers all around.” She took a half wilted daffodil out of her hair. “I thought it looked pretty, so I kept it.”

Pinkie Pie took the flower from her and the two ponies examined it. Granny walked away from the scene, relieved that the focus had drifted away from her.

“Daffodill? That's a plant!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed. “And I know somepony who just knows everything there is to know about plants!”

When both ponies reached Zecora's hut, Derpy couldn't help but notice that the tall and wide trees of the Everfree Forest engulfed the her home, casting a seemingly never ending shadow over it. Her hut was, as always, littered with charms and masks, each of which had a different meaning known to nopony but her. As they got closer to the house, Derpy’s hoofsteps grew more reluctant and nervous.

When she reached the door, she simply stopped completely in her tracks. She put her hoof up, but hesitated. Pinkie Pie gave Derpy an odd look as she went up to the door and knocked on it.

“I’ll be at the door right away,” Zecora said from the inside. “Please be patient if you’ve come a long way.” Pinkie Pie smiled at Derpy, who gave her a worried expression in return.

“Well, if it isn't my friends from Ponyville,” Zecora said as she opened the door “Come in! Is there something ailing you still?” She let Pinkie in and then noticed Derpy, who only dared to peek shyly from behind the door.

“It seems that the impression that I made is still making some ponies very afraid.,” she said to Pinkie Pie and then turned to Derpy and smiled softly.

“Come in little one, don't hide like mice,” she said, smiling reassuringly to Derpy. “As Pinkie Pie can tell you, I am very nice.”

Derpy gathered courage and stepped into the hut. As she stumbled in, Zecora discreetly removed the pumpkin head she was about to step on and stopped the momentum of a hanging charm that the Pegasus accidentally pushed with one of her wings. When she turned around in confusion, her tail wagged dangerously over the zebra’s collection of rare pots.

“My dear, could you please sit down?” Zecora said desperately. “I need to protect everything I own!” To her relief, Derpy obeyed and the three ponies began to go through the common routine of pleasantries and greetings.

“So, how's sorceressing going?” Pinkie Pie asked prompting Zecora to breathe a weary sigh.

How many times do I have to tell you, I'm not a sorcerer,” she said. “The magic lies in the potions that I stir. But these days I have been busier than ever before. My supply used to be enough, but now I have to get more. Ponies are less scared and come to me when they're sick, and I heal them with herbs, not a magic trick!” she clarified to Pinkie Pie.“

“But the doctor did not like this one bit, he came to me to talk about it. My face was a portrait of defiance when he told me natural remedies haven't been proven by science. My herbs prove themselves every day, and there is nothing more to say.” Zecora explained to the two ponies.

“But we reached an agreement. I have nothing to fear, so please tell me why you are here.”

The two ponies told Zecora about their investigation and she struggled to follow the weird twists and turns of their logic.

“What you told me sounds true and without lie, but is this what you ask me to identify? Your story may be strange but it is still, just a normal sandwich of daffodil!”

“But if there's nothing special about this plant why would I be giving these out to ponies?” Pinkie Pie asked.

“Well, some colts and fillies believe they'll find a lover by picking the petals of this common flower,” Zecora said.

“Every petal says ‘he loves you’ or ‘he loves you not’ and with this your true lover you can spot. But this kind of divination deserves no glory. No, for this tale is just a fairy story!”

Zecora disliked most amateur attempts at fortune telling; to her, they were nothing but a naïve waste of time. She knew methods that were ten times as effective and could give you the answer in rhyming couplets. Maybe not a clear answer, but the right one.

“Wait, so you mean I'm in love with someone?” Pinkie Pie asked in disbelief, scratching the top of her head.

“While it is true that love can make you stupid, my guess is that you were simply playing cupid.” Zecora replied, trying to hide a smirk.

“So this isn't a clue?” Pinkie Pie asked, clearly dissapointed. “Then we're right back where we started!”

She buried her head in her hooves in an exaggerated display of defeat. But Derpy was still determined and wasn't about to give up on the investigation.

“Did you see Pinkie yesterday?”

“That I'm afraid I did not do, I'm sorry I couldn't give you a clue, but I have noticed strange things happening in an old house nearby. Perhaps you’ll find that there is where your answers lie.”

“A strange old house, huh?” Pinkie pie said, with newfound hope. “This case just got a lot better! It prolly hasn't got anything to do with our case, but it may be worth checking out. If nothing else, we need a spooky old house to provide atmosphere for our detective-adventure!”

Zecora described the location, amused by the whole ordeal. The house was built in a meadow not too far from her hut and the two wannabe detectives went towards it eagerly.

The directions led them close to the edge of the Everfree forest. It wasn’t close enough to be dangerous, but the tall dark trees cast shadows close enough to be unnerving. In order to keep their spirits up, the two ponies started to talk.

“I'm really sorry this has been such a terrible interview!” Pinkie Pie said. “You haven't had the chance to ask me a question since we left.”

“It's okay, it's just nice to see a detective in action.”

“Well, thank you!” The flattery made Pinkie Pie perk up a bit.

“But don't you remember anything?” Derpy asked hopefully. “Like where you got the wading boots and tails?”

“Oh, I've had those for a while” Pinkie Pie said. “I use them to bathe with Gummy, just in case he gets lonely not having any other alligators around.”

They reached their destination and found themselves face to facade with an imposing wooden house. Its architecture was gothic, and the colors of the walls had long since faded from purple into a blueish gray. The garden was overgrown, but the wines around the windows had been cut down and the path to the house was thoroughly beaten in.

All the signs pointed to a place that was supposed to be abandoned but wasn’t. Tall trees cast a dark shadow over the house even though it was still daytime, and the two ponies couldn't help but shiver.

“M-maybe we should just go back,” Derpy said.

Pinkie Pie was just about ready to agree, but she took a deep breath and gathered courage.

“What kind of detective would Solaris Pons be if he didn't snoop around uninvited in strange, ominous buildings?” she asked with newfound conviction. “A bad one, that's what!” She went up to the door with resolute steps.

“Alright,” she said. “Picking this lock will require finesse, it will require skill, it-” The door suddenly opened and a familiar face peeked out.

“Cherry Jubilee!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed. “I remember you!”

“Well, you should,” Cherry said with a bemused look. “You caused quite a stir here yesterday, some of my fillies are quite mad at you for stealing the show.”

“So I was here yesterday? Derpy, we're in luck! Uhm... I don't remember much of the last few days,” Pinkie Pie explained to Cherry.

“But I worked at your cherry farm in Dodge Junction once, we caused a bit of a mess, remember? What happened to that by the way? Are you growing cherries in Ponyville now?” Cherry laughed at this question, but her laugh had a sad tinge to it.

“I lost the cherry farm,” she explained. “I was having trouble meeting the demand; it's hard to get good cherry-sorters around here. And one day these two unicorns came to town riding on this ghastly machine, some sort of automatic cherry-sorter and juicer. They offered to rent it out to me, but I refused. The town didn't like that at all, but I was too proud.

“Eventually, they managed to trick me into entering a contest, where the winner was whoever made the most cherry juice within a set time limit. The winner got to be the only juice vendor in town and the loser had to leave. Their machine beat me and my whole crew, so... here we are.”

Cherry fell silent and shook her head, oblivious to the obvious sympathy exuding from Derpy. Thus, she was caught completely off guard when the pegasus suddenly crashed into her and gave her a heartfelt hug.

“I'm so sorry to hear that!” the gray mare said with a quivering voice. “Will you ever go back to Dodge Junction?”

“Maybe.” Cherry said, accepting the hug. “But I've managed to make a good living for myself here, providing some good, old-fashioned entertainment for gentlecolts.”

“Oh, this is a theater?” Derpy asked.

“Yes, precisely! It's a kind of theater, Cherry Jubilee said and made a salespony-like gesture towards the entrance. “We also serve the best sass-parilla this side of Appleloosa. No cherry juice, though, so please don't ask about it. Nice hat, by the way.” She pointed with her hoof towards Pinkie Pie's deerstalker.

“Thanks!” Pinkie Pie said and adjusted the hat. “May we come in? We're looking for clues.” Cherry looked very unsure about this idea, remembering what happened last time Pinkie was in her establishment. But she stepped aside politely, since Pinkie Pie seemed to be somewhat sober this time around, at least.

“If you want to,” she said. “But like I said, some of my... actresses are a bit mad at you. Try not cause trouble,” she added meekly as the two ponies walked past her trough the door.

The interior hit them as they entered the house. It didn’t look anything like something they would associate with a theater. Instead, it was closer to a dancehall decorated in a glamorous country-western style. The patrons were rowdier than you'd expect from a theater, making sarcastic comments and whistled cat-calls at the performers, as they raised their glasses of sass-parilla in the air.

The performance itself was similarly unexpected. It didn't have much in the way of plot. It consisted mostly of slapstick and innuendo and it featured several mares wearing outfits that would make Rarity blush. The two ponies sat down at a table somewhere near the back and observed the show with increasing bewilderment and amusement.

“Maybe we can talk to the dancers after the show.” Pinkie Pie mused. “They can't be that mad at me, can they?”

While she spoke, a silent communication was taking place between the performers on stage. There was a lot of pointing and meaningful glances towards the pink pony, and when their routine was over and the curtain fell, one of the dancers made her way across the room up to their table. The two ponies were busy talking with each other about the last sketch, so they didn't notice her at first. Not until she made herself known.

“You!” she roared. “You have a lot of nerve coming back here, you know? You crashed our routine with your attempt to start some kind of speed-dating service!”

Pinkie Pie yelped and Derpy concurred wholeheartedly. They both looked like foxes caught in the headlights.

“You sabotaged the entire night!” the dancer continued ranting. “You scared the customers and...” at this point her demeanor changed drastically.

“You introduced me to this lovely stallion called Noteworthy. We're going on our first real date next weekend. He's so sweet and shy, and I probably wouldn't have met him if it wasn't for you.”

“Oh, that's good to hear!” Pinkie Pie said with a relieved sigh. She looked like a big burden had been lifted from her shoulders.

“That being said,” she concluded and she leaned closer to whisper this in Pinkies ear. “You should probably leave,” she advised. “The other performers aren’t as grateful as I am.”