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// If Only She Had Listened To The Bird 
// Story: Daring Do and the Chest of Zubiaga 
// by derpyland 
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For two days an increasingly desperate Daring Do stayed in that cave and struggled to open the chest. She talked to it. She sang to it. She cursed it. She danced around it. She performed every ancient ritual she could remember. She even recited poetry at it (after all, it was a zebra box, right?). She hit it with her hooves until she was too tired to move. She pushed it and pulled it and shrieked at it. She would even have thrown that blasted bird at it, but it was long gone.

Something about that bird nagged at her. She had an uneasy feeling that its disappearance was a clue of some kind. When she asked the bird what to do, it got up and left. But – what did it mean? Was the bird telling her to quit? Was that the answer? But that made no sense! Daring Do was not a quitter. She never, ever gave up, no matter what.

Yet – she hated to admit it, but she was stumped. She was tired and thirsty and just plain mad. How was it possible that a stupid box had beaten her? After all the adventures she had been through in her career – after all the dangers she had faced – this was what defeated her? She had once crushed an entire army of flying monkeys, for crying out loud! Had she lost her touch? Was it time for her to retire? Was this the end of Daring Do?

No, she decided firmly. I am not going to be beaten! I have braved the Valley of the Sun and have walked through the Pits of Death. I will not be foiled by a stupid zebra box!

Daring Do picked up her hammer. True, it would be a crime to destroy the chest. But the pedestal it was stuck to was a different matter. All she had to do was smash that pedestal to bits, and the chest would be free. Once it was beaten into dust she could pick up the chest and bring it home with her. It might take a little research to figure out how to open it, but at home – armed with a good set of tools – she was sure she could pry that cursed thing open. 

Tired, weary, and unbowed, she removed the hammer from her bag. With a slightly-crazy glint in her eye she aimed the hammer at the pedestal and swung with all her might. The hammer struck the granite and shattered the pillar into pieces. Shards of rock went everywhere – and the chest fell onto the floor and opened.

Daring stared at it in amazement. The chest was open. After days of effort, the chest was open! True, it wasn’t a perfect victory. The only reason it had opened was because when it fell on the floor it had broken into two pieces. Still, the damage wasn’t that bad, and she was confident it could be repaired. The main thing was that the chest was finally open. The lost treasure of Zubiaga was hers at last!

She carefully picked up the broken chest with her hooves. Inside was a piece of folded parchment paper – and nothing else. Puzzled, Daring gingerly unfolded it and read it.

To my favorite nemesis,

It gives me great pleasure to imagine you reading this. I have no doubt that you went through a great deal of trouble to find this worthless chest, because it took me a great deal of trouble to put it there. It required weeks of work to bring it all together, of course – I had to find a cave in a ridiculously remote location, build the pillar, design the box, and glue it shut (after adding this note). But what can I say? The thrill of the chase makes it all worthwhile. I really don’t know what I would do without you, Daring Do. Thwarting you brings so much joy to my life.

This plan came to me when I heard an old zebra legend about a lost treasure. The legend was absolute garbage, of course, but I knew that you would take it seriously. You simply never quit, no matter how ridiculous the quest. So I hatched this plot to gain my revenge.

I know that I am about to be arrested, and that is a great pity. However, I promise you that the jails of Canterlot are Heaven compared to what you must have been through these past few weeks. I will be in relative comfort and have three square meals a day. As for you – well, by now you’ve probably forgotten what food even tastes like. I bet you look hideous and smell even worse.

Congratulations on winning a no-prize! I hope to find this letter framed and hanging over your mantelpiece the next time I break into your lovely home.

Sincerely yours,
Ahuizotl