//------------------------------// // Heroine Lyra // Story: Text Tuesday // by Sausagefanclub //------------------------------// One day Lyra was doing a thing. “Oh boy, this sure is a fun thing!” the plucky heroine exclaimed. All of a sudden, the sky grew dark. All the ponies dashed back into their houses. Thunder rained down upon Ponyville, setting houses on fire and burning them to a crisp. “Wait, wouldn’t that be lightning?” the confused heroine inquired. Unfortunately for the unfortunate heroine, I am her god and I choose what happens in these stories. Thunder is now the new lightning. All the cool ponies are gonna say that in school now. Thunder struck the house, cutting through the roof and zapping the electrified heroine. Rainbow Dash was flying overhead and saw the burnt heroine through the hole in the roof. “Don’t worry, the endangered heroine! I’ll save you!” Rainbow Dash was struck by thunder and was never seen again. The surprisingly unharmed heroine stood up. “It’s a good thing I applied some thunderblock to myself this morning. I only took 99% of the damage!” But the safe heroine was not safe for long. Monsters were already beginning to spawn in the darkness! Zombies started running up and pounding on the troubled heroine’s door, trying to break in. The amused heroine laughed heartily. “Not even the army of Genghis Khan can get through that door! Trust me, they’ve tried.” Suddenly the TARDIS materialized inside the laughing heroine’s house. The Doctor walked out the door. “The BBC has told me that I have to execute you for making references without their permission.” He took out his Sonic Screwdriver and set it to Kill Mode, causing the targeted heroine to explode into thousands of pieces. The true heroine laughed even heartilier. “Haha! I anticipated this! That was a decoy!” Derpy Hooves came out of the TARDIS and smashed The Doctor on the head with a sledgehammer. “Sorry about that, he’s going through a phase at the moment. He actually made up that whole thing and he just wanted to have an excuse to kill something. Doctors have to kill something at least once a year to keep from going insane, just so that they can feel satisfied knowing that they were a very important factor in someone’s life.” The distracted heroine stared at Derpy blankly. “I didn’t pay attention to any of that.” Meanwhile the zombies had been chanting ancient spells, and summoning hundreds of Genghis Khans. The Genghis Khans were already charging up their Genghis Giga-Blast Breaker Beam. Derpy reached toward the mint-green heroine. “Hurry! Grab my hoof!” The obedient heroine did as she said. “Okay, now what?” “Nothing. I just wanted you to grab my hoof.” Derpy pushed the nearby heroine away, dragged The Doctor’s unconscious body back into the TARDIS and disappeared. The deceived heroine stared at where the blue box had been. “…Why?!” The Genghis Khans shouted out the name of their Genghis Giga-Blast Breaker Beam, then blasted it at the door. But during the time that they had been calling the name of their attack, the clever heroine had already teleported out of there before they could blast her. The relocated heroine appeared in Rainbow Dash’s house. She didn’t fall through the clouds and die because her great grandfather’s second cousin twice removed was a cloud. That makes sense, right? Rainbow Dash greeted the heroine. “Hello! This is where I respawn every time I become never seen again!” A giant spider spawned in the corner of her house. She stared at it. “Oops, I guess I forgot to put a torch over there.” The spider jumped high into the air and slammed into Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash was never seen again. Rainbow Dash respawned next to her bed, and stared at the spider again. “Uh oh.” The spider charged her. Rainbow Dash was never seen again. Rainbow Dash was never seen again. Rainbow Dash was never seen again. Rainbow Dash was never seen again. Rainbow Dash was never seen again. “Friggin camper…” Rainbow Dash groaned as she became never seen again for an eighth time. The currently untargeted heroine decided to sneak outside while the spider was still distracted. However, the oblivious heroine did not expect to see a super swag yolo gangsta hiding right outside the door, then get tackled and get beaten up. Fortunately, that didn’t happen. The athletic heroine kept running until she came across a scary forest. “Aha! This is the perfect place to hide!” She paid Slenderman the $20 fee in order to enter the forest, then set up camp for the night. A green thing that definitely did not resemble a male body part at all snuck up behind her. “Hey, that’sss a nice body you got there.” The attractive heroine turned to face it and blushed. “Aw, thanks! You look okay too.” “Yesss, yesss. Anyway, it would be a ssshame if sssomething were to… happen to it.” The naïve heroine nodded. “Yeah, I guess that would be pretty bad.” “Well, sssee you later.” The green thing that definitely did not resemble a male body part at all walked away. The sleepy heroine yawned and went to sleep. Suddenly, the green thing that definitely did not resemble a male body part at all sprinted back and promptly blew up the stupid heroine. The reasonably paranoid heroine laughed heartiliest. “Haha! That was another decoy! The awesome heroine never sleeps!” The conceited heroine turned around and came face to face with a spooky skeleton. It was too spooky for the spooked heroine, who immediately fainted and fell asleep. Three days later, the sleeping heroine woke up and found herself surrounded by zombies. She quickly pulled out her bazooka and blasted them all away. Sadly, this was the one day where an eclipse happens that makes zombies immune to bazookas. The screwed heroine curled up in a ball, terrified for her life… Albert Wesker appeared. “HUMAN!!!” The human-obsessed heroine instantly wrapped her hooves around Albert Wesker in a very tight embrace. Albert Wesker sighed. “Please contain yourself, my little pony. There’s plenty of me to go around.” “But… these zombies are trying to hurt me!” The cowardly heroine whined. Albert Wesker chuckled. “Silly female, you must realize that my zombies are not evil, just misunderstood. I didn’t send these zombies to hurt you, I sent them to celebrate your birthday.” The surprised heroine glanced at the zombies and realized that they were wearing party hats, and one of them was holding a birthday cake. “Wait a second… it’s not my birthday. And what was the deal with the thunder and lightning, and The Doctor trying to kill me, and the Genghis Khans, and the spider, and the super swag yolo gangsta that wasn’t actually there, and the green thing that definitely did not resemble a male body part at all, and… that extremely spooky skeleton?” Albert Wesker shrugged. “I was told that’s how ponies like their birthdays to be celebrated.” The upset heroine gave him a stern look. “Who would tell you something like that?” Discord appeared. The I’m-running-out-of-adjectives heroine glared at Discord. “Oh, of course it was you. It’s always you.” Discord gasped. “How could you say such a thing? I know I’m the spirit of chaos and all, but I would never intentionally ruin a pony’s birthday party. Even I have my standards.” He then turned all of the zombies into cacti. The confused again heroine raised an eyebrow. “Who else could it be, then?” Granny Smith appeared. The now angry heroine glared unheartily at Granny Smith. “So, it was you! Why don’t you just give it up already?” Granny Smith frowned. “Silence, you insignificant equine! You are too stupid to speak! Even Demon Grannies have to respect the sanctity of a ‘birthday party’, because it brings the ‘birthday pony’ one step closer to joining us!” The confused again again heroine sat down. “Well, I’m out of ideas. Who else could it have been?” Suddenly, the ground shook violently, dark power and whatnot spewing everywhere. All the Fluttershies in the forest ran away, terrified of the oncoming threat. “And now the true culprit is revealed!” Discord announced. Two giant gloved hands rose from the depths. The satisfied heroine smiled. “Oh yeah, it’s you guys!” The hands nodded, then went to go make Rainbow Dash become never seen again some more. All in all, it was one of the adjective heroine’s better days.