In Canterlot Castle, a prince was wandering the halls, carrying a precious treasure in his mouth.
Prince Reginald Butterscop Pendragon Jr. IV, or just Butters, son of [REDACTED BY ORDER OF PRINCESS LUNA] and [REDACTED BY ORDER OF PRINCESS LUNA]^ was highly atypical for his family.
While Faust and her six children were radiant beauties, their coats soft, their feathers shimmering, their manes and tails resplendent, Butters had none of these traits.
Butters was bald. Not a single hair or feather on him, just slightly wrinkled pink skin. He also had no teeth. His featherless wings were small, and what magic he actually had was channeled into them allowing him to fly.
The other thing was that Butters was not a smart pony. Oh, he could be clever, but the fact was that he BARELY crossed the line into sapience.^^ The palace mirrors were always in danger because Butters did not understand the concept of a reflection, and putting him to sleep was as easy as throwing a blanket over his head.
At the minute, Butters was strutting down the hall triumphantly, a golden jewel-encrusted acorn from the royal treasury in his mouth. Butters loved acorns, and collected any he found. He didn't eat them, he just hoarded them and kept them safe from fuzzy tails.
However, he knew one other thing... it was bath day, and he needed to hide. The four guards hunting him were the only ones qualified to match wits with him.
***
"...I blame you for this, Nors."
"Oh come on, it wasn't my fault, it was Monolith's!"
"Hey, shut up!"
Bastion looked up at his team, somehow caught in a giant net that used to be a palace tapestry, and facehoofed.
Guard Squad 398 consisted of one unicorn and three pegasi. Bastion, the unicorn, was a heavyset fellow, his coat dyed dark grey as was standard protocol. Nors was a Pegasus stallion with pink eyes. Monolith was a Pegasus stallion with purple eyes. Arrowhead, the only mare of the bunch, was small.
Together, these four made up the most incapable guard squad in the history of the country, or at least the most unlucky.^^^
All had their faults. Bastion had a minor weight problem, Arrowhead was overconfident, Nors was constantly listening to music, and Monolith was... well, no one knew what Monolith's excuse was. However, Bastion was the most unlucky because he was the chosen victim of a monster.
Something evil roamed Canterlot, something the Princesses were unaware of. Something that went to no end to harass Bastion at any given chance. Something so evil, the thought of it kept Bastion afraid to go to sleep at night.
Something that was bright green, and dressed in a maid outfit.
***
Atjour Service was one of the highest-ranking of Canterlot's maids. She was an earth pony of average build, and her mane and tail, when not bound, were frizzy enough to earn her the nickname "Broccoli Head", though no one ever called her that, except in private, as it was common belief that saying her name would summon her to the location where it was spoken.
Atjour's only truly unique physical characteristics were her long, elfin ears. Some attributed them to a donkey somewhere in her ancestry, others said that she actually did have some elf somewhere along her line.
What was agreed on was that she was the most cynical mare in Equestria, as well as one of the most terrifying. When she smiled, her teeth had an unnerving habit of looking like predatory fangs, and her eyes seemed to be constantly judging other ponies. Rumor was that she was actually dating a known cannibal, but such reports were never confirmed.
She spent her work hours cleaning, dusting, watching Butters, and harassing the guards on the side. Mostly Bastion. ESPECIALLY Bastion.
What made her so devious was that she messed with her targets on a psychological level, not even actually insulting them, and actually being nice, causing said targets to become paranoid with fear.
Only over the past month had she stopped insulting Bastion in favor of this method.
~~~
The green mare held out the plate to the unicorn.
"You look starved, Sergeant. Have a delicious sweet roll to keep your strength going."
Did she poison it? Or what if this is a setup to get me in trouble with the baker?
Bastion gulped, sweating in fear.
"N-no thanks, I'm not hungry..."
~~~
"You look so tense, mister Bastion. How about a back massage to loosen up?"
SHE'S GONNA SNAP MY NECK!
"N-no thanks! I like being all tense!"
~~~
Atjour smirked. The fat one was fun to torment.