CHAPTER 52
BROTHER TO BROTHER
With an encouraging grin and nod from Fluttershy, Ash dipped his hoof into the sack she held and scooped out a hoofful of birdseed. He turned to the red and blue woodpecker perched at his bedside table and extended his hoof towards it. Seeing the offering, the woodpecker hopped closer to Ash and cocked its head sideways and flew towards him. It flew right past his outstretched hood and went for the top of his head, where it unleashed a barrage of rapid pecks.
"OW! OW! GAH!" Ash swung his hooves over his head, but the bird evaded each blow and pecking him between strikes. Nevertheless, Ash continued to flail around, scattering birdseed everywhere.
"M-Mr. Woodpecker!" Fluttershy exclaimed in shock. Hearing her, the bird ceased it attack and flew over Ash's head while he rubbed his aching scalp. The woodpecker let out a series of chirps of tweets that Ash could've sworn sounded like laughter before flying out the open door.
"I'm really sorry about him. He's really the mischievous type, but he's never done anything like this before." she explained guiltily. "Are you alright?"
Though his head still throbbed, Ash nodded. "I should've expected that. All the animals here hate me even though I try being nice to them..." he said hissing a bit at the pain.
Fluttershy pouted as he sighed and laid back on her bed. "OK um...I know your first attempt at actual kindness didn't really go so well..." He furrowed his brow at her. "OK it was a failure, but you can't lose hope."
Despite her words, Ash let out a defeated sigh. What was the point to all of this? Fluttershy said that there was actual kindness in him and trying to express it earned him a hurt brother and a sore head. Just where was the goodness that she kept saying laid deep within him? He clearly couldn't see it.
"Maybe it was a bad idea to try it with an animal first." Fluttershy wondered out loud. "Why don't I show you that you can be kind to other ponies instead?"
"I've shouted at, neglected and hurt everypony I know. I might just do it again." he replied dejectedly.
"We won't really know if don't try right?" she said trying to sound optimistic, yet he looked as miserable as ever. "Why don't we go outside? I think you'll feel better after some fresh air."
The mention of going outdoors perked his ears. "I...I'd like that."
Not too long after that, the two of them were halfway down the stairs leading to the floor below. As always, he stood at her right, his left foreleg draped across her shoulder, grunting slightly with every step while Fluttershy supported and encouraged him. Movement still brought pain to his muscles, but now it was significantly less than when he had first arrived.
Every step or two, Ash would bounce to his side resulting in his cheek pressing against Fluttershy's for a second of two. Although brief, the contact was enough to redden his face and make his stomach drop. Meanwhile, a pink-cheeked Fluttershy had to suppress a whimper; from being with him when he peed to rubbing ointment all over his body and pressing her cheek against his, the series of awkward moments didn't seem to have an end.
"You know Ash, maybe we should see if you can walk on your own." she suggested earning a look from him. "I mean, you're appetite's all better, and you've been gaining weight...not that you're getting fat or anything..." she added quickly. By then, the pair had reached the bottom step. "Well...do you want to give it a try?"
After thinking about it for a moment, Ash raised a hoof and pressed it against the floor. "I think I can handle it, but can we try it outside?"
"Of course; my backyard would be perfect place to try." With a nod from Ash, Fluttershy helped his across the room and reached the front door. Opening it, they were greeted by the sight of a clear sky just like the previous day. Stepping outside, Ash took a deep breath letting the fresh air sooth his body and calm his mind.
Leaving the doorway, they went around the cottage, and Ash got his first glimpse of her backyard. The whole area was surrounded by a wooden fence with heart-shaped fixtures. Aside from the bushes and the single tree, there was a table with two pillows on one side. At the other side, at the end of a pathway of stone slabs stood a chicken coop surrounded by wire. He distinctively hear clucking from within the coop; Ash hoped his presence wouldn't aggravate the chickens into attacking.
The pair stopped on one of the stones that led to the chicken coop. "Now then, shall we get started?" Fluttershy asked turning to him. "Let's see first if you can stand on your own."
She removed Ash's leg from her shoulder and slowly stepped aside ready to catch Ash should he ever show signs of loosing his balance. However, much to their relief, he had no difficulties in staying upright. His legs wobbled slightly, but otherwise, he was fine. Relieved that he didn't collapse on the spot, Ash turned to his caretaker and nodded.
"Good; you're holding up well." she remarked. "Now then, let's take it slow OK? Just baby steps first. Try to make it to that table over there."
Ash nodded and braced himself as he took a small step forward immediately feeling his muscles ache from lack of use. He let out a small gasp instantly alerting Fluttershy who quickly bounded towards him; he let out a small "Oof!" as she caught him when he fell to his side.
"No..." With a grunt, Ash pulled away.
"But-"
"No." he repeated with a bit more force. "I...I can handle it..."
To prove it, he put another hoof forward biting his bottom lip to stop a gasp from coming out. However, he fell aside once again and was caught by Fluttershy. "Maybe this wasn't a good idea. Maybe we should've waited until-"
"I...No..." Ash insisted. "I can handle this..."
"You really want to walk again don't you?"
Ash put on a sour face and turned away. He raised a hoof and felt his left cheek, the one which was previously in constant contact with hers. "I...I just want to start walking on my own from now on."
Fluttershy blinked twice still feeling a bit unsure. "Um...OK then, but please take it easy. I don't want to you hurt yourself again."
With a low growl, Ash pulled away from her and stared before him. Steeling himself once again, he stepped forward. His pain once against shot across his muscles like lightning, but he kept himself upright. With a deep breath, he put another hoof forward again trying hard to ignore aches and pains his muscles were experiencing. He forced himself to take another step and then another. Fluttershy's eyes widened as he took a couple more steps and quickly bounded in front of him.
"That's it Ash. Just take it easy." she encouraged the struggling pegasus. "No need to hurry. Just take as long as you want." She briefly looked over her shoulder. "Look, you're almost there, and there's a nice, fluffy pillow waiting for you when you're done." Ash let out a particularly loud grunt as he took a step.
Right front leg. Right hind leg. Left front leg. Left hind leg. It wasn't that complicated a process. With narrowed eyes, he affixed his gaze towards the large pillow lying on the ground mere few away from him. Almost there... he told himself mentally. Five feet away. You can...rest when you get there...Four feet.
He thought he was imagining it, but he could've sworn the pain was fading, slowly, but it was definitely lessening with each step. Three feet remained then two. One.
"Ah!" Finally at his destination, Ash grabbed the table and sat himself down on the pillow beneath him. He had done it; his heart was racing, his brow was damp, and his legs were shaking, but he had made it. Panting, he looked over his shoulder towards where he started, his jaw dropping a bit upon seeing just how far he had walked.
"You did it Ash!" Fluttershy's excited squeal turned his gaze away. He saw her bound towards him with the biggest grin he'd ever seen on her. "You can walk again; isn't that great?"
"I...I guess..." he replied embarrassed by the attention she was giving him. "Can I rest a bit before I try again?'
Her gaze softened at his request. "Of course; you just take your time Ash."
Closing his eyes, Ash took a moment to catch his breath. His recent accomplishment was still fresh in his mind; he had been injured and starving to the point where he could barely move, but here he was having just walked further than he could've possibly imagined. He could feel his heart racing, but not out of exhaustion;when was the last time he had felt this way, this sense of accomplishment?
"I really did it." he commented opening his eyes. "I never thought I could..."
Fluttershy's gaze shifted to one that showed concern. "You really should believe in yourself more Ash; you can really do more than you say you can." Her comment made him turn away. "I...I know you want to change, and I'm doing my best to help you, but nothing's going to get better if you don't even believe you can."
Ash blinked and turned back to her. He always thought himself pathetic, but would somepony like that have accomplished what he just did? He thought he'd never change, but there was no way he was that same weak pony who she found lying in a pathetic heap. He was...he felt different. He wasn't there yet, but he did feel closer.
"I'll try." He shook his head. "No I...I'll do it. I'm not that same weak pony you found in the forest days ago."
With another grunt, he rose to his hooves and looked around. "I'll see if I can make it to that chicken coop over there."
Fluttershy nodded and rose as well; she trotted to his side nodding in encouragement. "Alright. Remember to take it easy."
"It doesn't hurt much anymore." To prove it, he took a step forward.
"OK, but still..."
Sighing and rolling his eyes, Ash took another step forward. To his relief, the pain only came in small amounts just like last time. Slowly, he made his way to the chicken coop with much less difficulty than his first walking attempt. "See? Doesn't hurt." he said still moving forward.
Fluttershy sat down on Ash's pillow as she watched him near the chicken coop. "You're doing really well Ash. You're gaining weight, and now you can walk again; I think...after a few more days, you'll be well enough to go home."
The mention of home, of leaving the small cottage, of leaving her almost made him freeze in place. This was suppose to be a good thing; no longer would he have to be tended to and watched over like a child. Gone would be the days that he would spend lying in her soft, warm bed listening to her telling him that he had goodness in his heart.
He was going to miss her, his...friend...
Ba-dump!
A powerful beat suddenly resonated from within Ash's chest and quickly spread across his body. Immediately, he felt like he had just suddenly gained several pounds. He only had time to gasp and clutch his chest and his legs gave in; he suddenly collapsed on the spot, his chin bashing against the edge of the stone slab be had fallen on.
As he fell, Fluttershy rose. Her mouth opened ready to cry out, but-
"ASH!"
The voice wasn't her own. Out of the corner of her eye, a maroon shape raced across the yard towards the fallen pony, but what was more startling than Ash's sudden collapse was the look on his face. Utter panic, complete shock and sheer terror, Fluttershy had never seen either of these on him before. It was enough to root her in place, as he skidded to a halt.
"Ash! ASH!" a terrified Psych cried out shaking him.
"Ugh...Gah..." Ash's eyes were tightly closed, his teeth grit.
"Sweet Celestia, you're alright." Psych said relieve yet still agitated. "What happened; are you in pain?"
"N...no pain...I just...feel weak." Every few seconds, one of his legs would lift only to tremble in place for a few seconds before falling back down. "C-Can't...move..."
"I gotcha." Psych draped a grey leg over his shoulder and hoisted him up. Ash groaned and tried pushing himself to his hooves, but he had no strength left. "Y-You can't stand?" He shook his head several times. "Kindness!"
His shout snapped Fluttershy out of her daze. "R-Right! Hang on." She hurried over to the brothers and draped Ash's other leg over her shoulder. Together, she and Psych hoisted Ash up and dragged his away, his hind legs tailing uselessly behind them. "Psych, here." The earth pony followed her towards table towards the side of the yard. Trying their best to ignore Ash's groaning due to being dragged, they deposited him on top of a pillow.
"What happened? Are you OK? You're certain you're not injured?" Psych scampered around Ash's body checking for any cuts or bruises.
"I don't know..." With a jolt, Ash realized that he could move his legs again. Grunting, he flipped himself onto his back. "I-I don't know what happened. I was walking fine, and then I...I suddenly felt weak. I don't know why."
After going over his body one last time, Psych trotted off in the direction of the chicken coop. "Maybe you were just tired from all that walking." Fluttershy suggested.
"No...It was-it was too sudden for that." Ash replied shaking his head. A hoof found its way to his chest. "I was a bit tired, but all my strength literally vanished in a second."
"Maybe you just tripped." Psych called poking at the stone slab Ash had fallen on. "Unlike the others, this particular slab's dislodged from the ground." True enough, he dug his hoof under it and lifted it a bit.
"A-Ash said that's not the case." Fluttershy said rather quickly. Psych noticed her wings flare out a tiny bit; mentioning the slab had agitated her for some reason, and while he was curious to why, he had more pressing matters to deal with.
"Well whatever it was, all that matters is that Ash's fine. You are feeling better aren't you Ash?" Psych asked walking back to the pair.
"Y-Yeah I am." Ash replied turning away from his brother.
"Good. Glad to see you're doing well..." Psych replied unable to keep the awkwardness out of his voice.
To the side, and uncomfortable Fluttershy looked from brother to brother; she could only guess to what either of them was thinking. The last time the two of them had spoken didn't exactly end on a good note, and she knew they had some things to say to each other. They were due for a long talk about how they truly felt.
"I'll um...I have some animals that need feeding so..." she said backing up. "I'll just um...leave you two alone for a while..."
With that, she scampered away from the silence between the two brothers. Ash still couldn't bring himself to look at Psych and instead focused on a particularly long blade of grass on the ground. After what should he say; what could he say after telling him such hurtful things? A simple "sorry" didn't feel enough to undo the damage he caused.
"Ash, listen I-"
"Psych, listen I-"
Both colts stopped realizing they had spoken at the same time. After a few moments of hesitation, Psych cleared his throat. "Hey Ash, can...can we uh...talk?"
He had known something like this was coming. Ash pursed his lips together and nodded slowly; as Psych trotted to the pillow on the other side of the table, Ash sat up on his. Psych sat down and placed his forelegs of the table, one of his rear legs shaking slightly. Again, he hesitated at first, trying to find the right words to say. Nothing like this had ever happened before; where should he start?
"I know I upset you...And I'm sorry for that Ash." Psych apologized. "I-"
"You're the sorry one?" Ash said in disbelief. "I said those horrible things, and I know this isn't the first time I hurt you like that." He paused for a moment taking a gulp. "I-I was so mad, I wanted to hurt you so much, and I almost did...I...I...I'm sorry Psych..."
For the first time, they fully looked at each other seeing their own misery reflected back at them. Ash broke contact first, but Psych continued to gaze at the brother he loved so much. "I still upset you, and I'm sorry for that." He bit his lip deep in thought. "I uh...I think I owe you an explanation."
Interested, Ash turned back to him wondering just what he could say that would justify everything. Psych cleared his throat and took a deep breath to calm himself. "Ash...You accept me don't you?"
Ash gazed back at him confused. "What kind of question is that? Of course I accept you; you're the manifestation of pain and suffering, everything I deserve...everything I...I should have..."
Psych nodded; this wasn't the first time he had heard such a thing from him. "I understand that; I know deep down that you will never value me like I do to you." He had to pause for a moment to swallow a lump in his throat. Even now, that fact was still as painful as ever. "Nevertheless, you accepted me when everypony else didn't. You alone see me as a part of this world, a truth that can never be denied. You understand that Grief is necessary to living, not something that should just be pushed off to the side just 'cause it's inconvenient."
"I try to remind everypony that I'm not something that should be pushed aside, that they need a little sorrow in their lives, that there's a price to pay for choosing to be happy all the time and rejecting me. You Ash don't need that lesson; you've already accepted that you need suffering in your life. That's why I...I don't want to hurt you."
Hoping he would understand, Psych gave Ash a moment to take it all in, but all he got was his brother's confused stare. "I thought you couldn't make decisions like that." he said earning a surprised look from the pony across him. "You love to go one and on about how you have no choice but to make others suffer, yet you chose to leave me alone."
"That-" Psych grunted as if he were physically hurt. The mention of choice made him clench his teeth. "You grieve do you not? I live within the sorrow you go through everyday; I don't spare you or anything like that. I am Grief itself; any pain you undergo's already my doing."
Ash frowned still unfinished with his issues with Psych. "On the gratefulness thing, what've I to be grateful for?" Psych found it difficult to keep the venom out his voice; the last thing he wanted to do was end up shouting at his brother. "They can say they love me all they want, but they're naught but empty words." He took a deep, calming breath before he could go on. "You may not notice it, but I can see it perfectly; they don't love me as much as they say they do."
"What in Celestia's name makes you say that?" Ash questioned trying not to get too upset.
Psych's brow furrowed still struggling to keep his temper in check. "Actions may speak louder than words Ash, but subconscious actions practically scream the truth. You're incapable of seeing it, the fear and hate they show when I'm around. They were like this even back then, and they haven't changed since."
"And you still think they'll come to accept you one day despite all you've done to them?"
"I don't."
Ash blinked twice wondering if he heard that right. Noticing his surprised look, Psych sighed and shifted a little, whatever trace of rage vanishing. "I have dreams Ash; there are things I want out of life, and acceptance isn't one of them. I've spent years trying to obtain it and countless nights lying in bed wondering when I'll finally have it. Yet with each passing day, it feels like it's slowly slipping out of my grasp."
A slight breeze blew as silence ensued between the two of them. Ash could only stare dumb-struck, his jaw hanging slightly. His brother had been one overflowing with hate and bitterness at the world. He had always thought that love and acceptance would finally bring him peace, but if Psych didn't want any of that, then what else? Just what would satisfy him?
"Then what do you want? What do you dream of Psych?"
The earth pony closed his eyes tightly for a moment before looking gazing at his brother. His hollow, gaunt face, which usually wore the twisted smile of the maniac he was, appeared to have aged several years. Ash had seen pain in his eyes before, but the agony displayed right now left him speechless.
"What I desire...more than anything else...I..." He grit his teeth and looked away. "I can't tell you; I'm sorry Ash."
Just like that, he threw up a wall between them, the first Ash had ever seen. Psych had always been open to him about his deepest thoughts and feelings, so what was with the sudden secrecy? What dream could be so bad he'd never wanted to tell his own brother? This...all this wasn't the Psych he had known; had his "kindness" changed him somehow?
"I admit hearing such a thing from me's pretty surprising." Psych said sounding much more at ease. "Despite all my suffering, it feels great having a goal to work for; certainly makes things easier." Ash remained silent. "How about you Ash? Is there anything you desire outta life?"
What I want? My dream?...This was something he had never even thought of before. Suppose he did finally find peace within himself, then what? "I...I don't know Psych...I never really thought about it...I mean, do I really deserve one?"
"Of course you do Ash; you gotta hold onto something while the world despises you."
"But-"
Ash was interrupted by an annoyed sigh from his brother. "You wanna know what your problem is Ash? You don't accept yourself. I've accepted you, and you've accepted me, but you can't accept who you are."
"But how can I? I'm Cruelty itself!" Ash cried out in a panic. "Everpony hates me for a reason; why should I be different?"
"Because it'll give you peace of mind; you deserve at least that...Ash, you look in a mirror and loath what you see. Y'know what I see when I look in a mirror? A broken pony oozing with flaws. Yet these are my imperfections; they make up who I am. Who would I be without them? To deny them's like denying myself, exactly what everypony else is doing to me."
"So I embrace them. I hold my head up, and say 'This...is me. It's not pretty or pleasant at all, but me nonetheless.'" He closed his eyes tightly and paused for a moment. "Ash, I know you hate your current situation, but if you can't accept who you are, then nothing'll ever change. Hell, do you even want change?"
Ash flinched a bit folding his forelegs close to himself. "I don't even think I can change."
"See, it's that kind of thinking that keeping you in place. You're throwing your whole life away." Psych replied sternly. Ash shifted uncomfortably; hadn't Fluttershy said something similar not too long ago? "You need to get that thought outta your head; you can't possibly continue living like this Ash. Please, if not for me then for yourself; I'm not saying it's gonna be easy, but you'll be able to find peace. It's for your own good." Psych pleaded.
They returned again, the painful thoughts that bounced around his head. I'm evil. I'm vile. I'm horrible...I'm cruel. That's...what I am. Ash groaned in pain and used a hoof to cover his face. "I...It's harder than you think OK? What we are...It's nothing to be proud of at all. How you're able to accept it is a mystery to me."
"Ash..."
"The world rejects us for a reason. We're the worst things it has to offer; how do you expect me to accept something like that?"
Before he could continue, he suddenly found himself in Psych's warm embrace. Two strong hooves pulled him close to his brother who rested his head on his shoulder. Ash grit his teeth and stood still, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill. "There is one pony who one pony who sees value in you. It's there Ash; you just have trouble seeing it. I hope that one day, you value yourself the way I do."
As Psych squeezed him, he could feel it, the warm love and care that could only come from somepony who loved you with all their heart. A single tear finally leak out of his eye and dripped onto Psych's maroon coat. "I still don't know if I can, but I'll try...I promise...I want the pain to stop too..."
Psych said nothing as he held his brother close. He had told Ash all he could say, but he wished he could do more to help him find the peace he so desperately needed, but for now, all he could do was hold him tight and remind him that despite everything, he had a brother who would always believe in him.
"You OK?"
"I..." Ash spoke after a while. "I'm still a bit mad at you."
Psych sighed and pulled away; Ash did indeed sound upset when he shouted all those things at him. While his explanation was honest and heart-felt, he knew it wasn't enough to fully satisfy him. "Very well then; what can I do?"
Fluttershy's words echoed in his mind. You have a connection with him that nopony else has. He could reach him, help him change who he was for the better...this was kindness, the true and pure one she had spoken off. The doubts suddenly came back reminding him of what he was and all he could do, but for once, he told them to shut up.
"Just...Just try to be more grateful to..to them." Ash finally said. As he expected, Psych furrowed his brow slightly. "I know what you said, And I know that they hurt you, but our...our dad and brothers did so much for us; they deserve at least a bit of gratitude don't you think?" Psych added a pout to his face. "Please Psych...For me?"
His expression changed at those words shifting to a much more neutral one. Psych looked away deep in thought while Ash pursed his lips awaiting his answer. He could imagine the battle raging in his head, his love for his brother against his hatred for those who rejected them; which side would triumph in the end?
Finally, Psych turned back to him, reached up and planted a small kiss on his forehead.
"I'm in pain too Ash...But for you, I promise...I'll try."
Edited by:
AquaJet25
Lynx Traveller
UltimateWarriorFan4Ever
xfallenangel13x