//------------------------------// // Alternate Ending 2 // Story: Lyra Heartstrings Guide to Human Culture and Biology // by Serperior2 //------------------------------// Bonbon was suddenly interrupted from her reading by a knock at the door. Lyra, who was currently preparing dinner, told her to answer it. She figured it was probably the cross-eyed mailmare Derpy, seeing as it was about mailtime. She closed the book, not bothering to mark the page. She got up and slowly trotted over to the door. Whoever was at the door was getting impatient and hammered on it again, much harder this time. "Yeah yeah. hold on, I'm coming." In response there were five more loud and angry knocks. Becoming suspicious of whoever was so irritable, she checked the peephole on the door. She was met with what appeared to be the crotch area of a strange bipedal creature. Suddenly whatever was out there bent down and looked into the peephole on the other side. Bonbon screamed as she saw the face of the strange creature outside. She galloped through the house into the kitchen where Lyra was at that moment mincing some mint leaves. "Whats wrong Bonbon? Is something destroying the town again?" Lyra asked casually with a smirk. "T-tall! Hairless! Two legs! Trying to get us! Quick! Lets go out the backdoor and go find Princess Twilight or somepony else!" "Wait, tall? hairless? Two legs!? That sounds like a human! Of course! I saw my books and wants to thank me for bringing positive publicity to his species!" "Wait Lyra! If he wanted to thank you then why is he banging on the door so hard? That is even if it is a human, which I doubt." "Oh don't be silly Bonbon. He's probably just excited to meet me is all." Another loud series of bangs came from the entryway. "Here, finish the cooking while I go greet our guest." Bonbon grimaced as Lyra trotted to the front door and opened it. Bonbon didn't dare pick up the chefs knife in fear of cutting herself with her quaking hooves. "Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh! You are a real-" "There you are you libelous bitch!" Bonbon grabbed the knife in her mouth. "Wh-what? I don't know what..." "Oh you know EXACTLY what I mean you piece of shit! You published this goddamn book of fucking lies! You've ruined our reputation with this bullshit! It made the papers in my town and now my girlfriend can't get a job, people keep asking me why I got myself neutered! And kids are throwing rocks at my window saying their feeding the unfortunate! What the hell made you think publishing this would be funny?" "It's not supposed to funny, it's a serious investigation into your people, and what did happen to your testicles? Humans are so rare it's a shame you can't reproduce." "My testicles are between my legs just like any fucking mammal you bitch! And it says right here on the inside of the cover that its a comedy! And a sick one at that!" "OK I think I'm beginning to understand whats going on, some of whats in the book is inaccurate. If you like we can sit down and go over whats incorrect in the book." "No, I'm not bothering with you, you heartless sicko, here's my girlfriends fully annotated copy of your book, highlighting everything incorrect and explaining whats wrong with it and whats true." "Well can't we go over it together?" "No." "Why not?" "Because I hate you." "Why?" "Because you published this garbage and ruined my reputation." "But I didn't mean to! I thought it was all true." "Well then you're a retard." "Well that's not very nice." "I don't care." "Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease... gasp... pleaseplease..." Lyra was suddenly shut up by a tight grip around her muzzle. "Fine, I'll stay here and go over it with you. But I don't want to be here too long." "So you have testicles between your legs and on your chin, but you lost yours?" "No, you see Lyra..." "So you only joke about Chuck Norris being super tough, but he's really a wimp?" "No, he's still pretty tough, but not as much as people say." "Oh I get it, so Schwarzenegger is the real god of epicness then." "Oh god." "Ooh can I see how you do your ceremonies for George Washington?" "Okay, so it's actually called soccer, except in America where it's called football." "No Lyra it's the other way around." "So it's soccerball everywhere except America where it's called football?" "Finally, were done with this stupid thing. Now send that to your editor and tell him to do a recall on the bad copies." "I can't do that! I'd have to give back all the money Iv'e earned from sales and more! My reputation will be ruined!" "I'm sorry to hear that, but I'll make you if I have to." "Well were going to have a problem then." ___________________________________________________________ Sometime later, Lyra was had finished digging the large hole in her backyard. She dumped in the large smelly sack beside her, and began filling it in. Bonbon came out of the house, giving Lyra a weird look. "I seriously can't believe you did that, Lyra, I'm very disappointed in you." "I had no other choice, it had to be done." "Yeah but, it that gets out, it'll ruin everything." "Don't worry Bonny, it won't. The bag will hold, and it will only be here for a while." "I don't want it to ruin my garden though." "I already told you, it won't. And I'm sure it'll be delicious in a few months." "With how bad it smells now, I'm seriously doubting it." "Don't worry, it's a delicacy in some parts of human culture." "I don't think I'm going to eat any. It's disgusting." "Fine, more kimchi for me then." "Trading the rights to your book for a stupid human recipe was a terrible idea Lyra." "Whatevah, I do what I want!" Bonbon sighed heavily and trotted back inside, slamming the door behind her.