Scandal rocked the royal city of Canterlot last night when the eggs of royal pet Philomena, a phoenix, hatched to reveal a brood of half-phoenix, half-parasprite offspring. The eggs had been laid a year before in a show of peace between Equestria and Griffonia, the country to which the male phoenix and supposed father, Gary, belonged. Now, with Philomena’s lack of fidelity brought to light, relations between the two countries are strained.
The Pinion had a team on-hand to gather remarks.
“I am very disappointed in Philomena’s irresponsible behavior,” said Princess Celestia in a private interview. “However, I am her friend first and princess second, and will support her through what will surely be a difficult time for her.”
The hatching is the first recorded instance of a parasprite and a phoenix producing offspring. Royal veterinarian Skippity Doodah provided insight.
“Honestly, I’ve never seen anything like this before,” Skippity said. “Two different species ‘doin the do’ is one thing, but actually making some sort of mutant progeny? That’s a new one. I actually didn’t even know that parasprites had sexual organs suited for this type of reproduction. Normally, they reproduce asexually. I guess it just goes to show you.”
When asked about the father’s identity, Skippity offered, “We have no idea. The last known instance of a parasprite infestation was, what—a year and a half ago in Manehattan? Maybe one of the little guys made it from there to Canterlot, and that’s when he and the royal pet had their, ah, dalliance.”
Almost moments after hatching, Philomena’s offspring scattered throughout the castle, where they have since remained. The castle staff have made efforts to prevent the parasprites from gaining access to food, but already reports have come in of further reproduction. However, assistance will not be soon coming.
Pinkie Pie, a Ponyville resident and the last in a long line of expert parasprite removalists, is the only known living being with professional experience in handling such an outbreak. Unfortunately, she has given up paraspriting for Lent, an exotic religious tradition that she observes every year.
“I spun the Lent Wheel of Sacrifice, and this year it landed on ‘paraspriting’,” Pinkie Pie told a Pinion insider. “Pretty inconvenient, if you ask me, but rules are rules.”
Princess Luna herself has gone to some efforts to remove the infestation, but she has met no success. Due to their part-phoenix heritage, attempts to exterminate the parasprites only result in them bursting into flame and two new parasprites being reborn from the ashes.
“This is the very reason why we should have border security,” said Princess Luna in a public statement. “If the parasprites had been stopped from crossing into Equestria, this situation would never have happened. Next thing you know, the parasprites are going to want to send their children to our schools and have access to free Equestrian health care. Unfortunately, supporters of the Celestial agenda want to abolish our borders altogether and make all illegal aliens into Equestrian citizens. Be ready if that happens, for Phoenixgate will only be the beginning of the disaster.”
Reportedly, King Ganz of Griffonia is furious over Philomena’s betrayal of Gary. A Pinion reporter traveled to speak with him.
“I cannot believe the audacity of these Equestrians,” King Ganz said. “I do not think I have ever seen Gary more depressed than he was when the news came in that the children were not his. At the very least, I demand that they execute the lying wench Philomena. Gary’s honor demands no less.
“Squawk,” added Gary.
Said Princess Celestia in response to King Ganz’s demands, “The King has no right to demand anything of myself or my subjects. Further, how would His Majesty suggest we execute Philomena? She’s a phoenix. They can’t die. I strongly suggest that His Majesty take a long, deep breath and consider the situation before leveling an ultimatum. We're clearly just as unhappy about all this as he is.”
As for Philomena herself, she has declared that she shall do all that she can to support her children. “Squawk squawk,” she said in a public statement before retiring to groom her anus.
With tensions rising between Equestria and Griffonia and a parasprite infestation rampant in the capital, one can only hope that this is the height of the crisis.