Words
'Read Through'
In the absence of self identity, one must reevaluate their own existence. They must read through what they know, what they don't know, what could be, and what will not. It will drive anyone to understanding or madness, often times both. For if they grasp the true concept of what is, then and only then will they know who they truly are.
Outside, somewhere, the only pony who ever really mattered waited. Waiting for a confirmation. The cryptic silence assuring nothing, telling only that which was already known. That he didn't know. He was not sure. His enigma sending only confusion. Creating a sense of dread, that the worst could be true.
Hooves plainly lain against the door, having hung silently for a decision. His own heavy. Heavy and weary of the long, withdrawn breath. Bated for which he could not stand. His answer guaranteeing the only thing he could not honestly believe. The cold, brisk air only outclassed by the state of his heart.
'I can not understand. Please... forgive me.'
"Let me in."
Adaptive slowly stood to his hooves, dragging himself to the voice, separated by wood and wall, heart and mind. Carefully, he pressed the handle down, unlocking his apartment. Letting once more the unicorn enter. He stepped back, making sure to kick the knife under his bed. Having not wanted to stop, but not wanting to outright hurt Words, he had no choice.
A push of the door and the familiar facial features and feather crowned fedora slid inside. His form cautious, taking his time entering and closing the door behind him. Upon hearing the singular click of the lock, the blue hat that for so long completed his form was levitated and placed to the side, along with his saddlebags.
Adaptive deserved every courtesy from him, that much was true. He was his friend, but he was hurt. Words wished to do all he could to help him, but he couldn't give him what he wished for. No one could. Instead, he would try to comfort. Withholding any aggressive or quick behavior, Words came close to Adaptive. Ever so gently, he silently urged him to lay down, hoping it would make things easier for the both of them.
"Mind if I sit with you?" His tone, much nicer than earlier, or than usual, felt warm to Adaptive. He liked it. To have that, but forever and always, that's what he wished for. Although reluctant, a shutter of hope overcame him. The idea that the whole ordeal outside may have changed him, made Words view him as something worth having, it consumed him. It terrified him. But he agreed.
A nod of his head, Words had seated himself close to the blue grief stricken pony. He watched Adaptive, the latter's rainbow hair and askew angle kept him from seeing his tear stricken face clearly. Preventing the knowledge that he had inadvertently caused this pain, brought about so much sorrow for him.
"How can somepony so vibrant in form be so melancholic? Adaptive, you're so strong for what you've endured. I have not even come close to having had to deal with even some off the stuff you've endured since I've met you. Severe financial difficulties, you're emotional state towards me. Facing a forced rejection, one of which I brought about. I'm sorry for that. Truly."
Adaptive didn't move, his form showed no reaction. His mind raced, wanting to yell, scream, beg, plead, cry, and so much more, but he didn't. He just waited. Collecting himself. Words' sentiment wasn't what he wanted, atleast in the grand scheme, but for now, he liked it. Being treated like somepony. It was making him happy.
"Listen, talk to me and I'll do my best to help, you just need to explain. Tell me why you're like this, why you want me, why you still chase what you can't have. I need to know... I need to know to help you." Words stared at the side of his face, Adaptive's jaw hanging slightly agape, his eyes shifted back and forth, contemplating what to say, what to do. With a swallow, he turned to Words. Unaware of how to handle himself, but willing to try.
"I... I was abused. Growing up." Words' face became concerned, although not totally alarmed, as he had suspected foul play for him. No one grew up peacefully and became as attached as him as quickly. "I had a... I had a um..." Adaptive didn't wish to, but he would have to tell him his past. Of how he was treated.
"I had a um... step-dad type person in my life, like he wasn't um... well related or anything, but he dated my mom." Adaptive began to slightly shake, had they not been sitting next to one another so closely Words wouldn't have noticed. "H-He... he..." Each word making him tremor more violently. This admission was physically hurting him.
"Hey, if you're not up for this,-" Words gently placed a leg around him, pulling him close. Using his magic, he wrapped them in his blanket, sealing them together inside. The bright glow of his horn being the only light underneath the cover of the soft cloth. Wanting to help him stay calm. The warmth did help slightly, so did the glow. Adaptive stopped shaking as roughly. Cherishing it, he never wanted to leave Words' grasp.
"N-No, I'm fine. You need to know... to understand." Regaining his composure in the grip of his friend, he continued his harrowed tale. "He beat us. He called us names and attacked us, even driving away his own family and my sister. I... We only stayed cause I... I..." His cheeks once again became glossy, running with tears. This was unbelievably hard for him. "I wanted him to love me. I'm really sorry."
Things started to come together in Words' mind. Adaptive's attraction to him came from his distance, not his dominance. He wanted what he hadn't received from his youth. A dominant male figurehead to admit he cared and loved him. Why him though?
"I... I-I-I don't know, I guess you just seem to remind me of him. I'm sorry. You're so distant all the time. You block me out just cause, not even because you have a legitimate reason, which you probably have plenty of, but just cause you can. Like... Like I don't matter to you. I can see it on your face most the time. That look... it's present, like if I weren't around it wouldn't truly matter."
Words couldn't tell if he was offended or relieved he understood now. It all seemed so distant to him. As much as he tried to reason a denial for what Adaptive spoke, he knew, in the depths of his mind, he was on some level right. If he disappeared, things would return to how they were.
Unable to accept that option, that he was a cold silhouette of a stallion, he reasoned some of his own truth.
"No, that's not true. It would matter. You're my friend, would I be here if I were not? Listen, and listen well Adaptive. You mean something to me, and I to you. But were on different levels. How we care is different, you feel you love me and I realize you're a friend. But... you care a great deal, and so do I. That's the same though."
Adaptive bowed away, lowering his head under Words'. The chin of the latter resting on his own. To him, this felt as if but a dream, under his embrace, cared for. It's what he wanted, but this only existed for today. He already knew this. It hurt. Atleast for now though, he had this one embrace.
"Adaptive, no matter what happens, I'll never abandon you. I'll never run away. As long as you want, you'll always be my friend..." Words paused for a moment, lifting his form from Adaptive's. Looking down into his eyes though, he had to set some ground rules. Everything that had been happening was fueling Adaptive's attachment for him and he knew it. "... But we're just that. We are friends. Please, for both our sakes don't think of me further as a love interest. It will only separate us."
"I... I can't promise that Words, I just... can't. Alright? I'll try my absolute hardest to contain my affection, but I can't just shut down my feelings. It's not that simple. Please though, know I'm sorry. I am." Staring straight at Words, he wouldn't look away, not this time. He wanted to see his reaction. To know what he would do from his expression alone.
"I well... I can live with that. We're just friends though, no matter what, that is the limit. Feel how you want about me, but know we're never going to be an item. It's just the way it is. Alright then?" Adaptive gave a weak, sad nod. "Okay then," giving a light hug, words took the blanket of and pulled them to their hooves. "I believe you still have a job to do. We better get you cleaned up."
"I'm sorry, by the way, for all of this. It's not your responsibility and I've asked so much-"
"Hey now, no need. Like I said, I'm your friend. I'll always be your friend. Just try to keep things under wraps a bit. I'm still only one pony, I have feelings to. You lashing out every week like this could be bad for the both of us." Words dragged the silent, blue pony to the bathroom, helping him wash his face before he showed up for work.
Despite his sentiment, Adaptive could not accept his reality. It fought his nature to do so. A nature far too powerful.
'Words... You'll never care the same as I, I know this now. But that doesn't mean I can't still dream right? Just cause the stars are out of my reach does not mean I'll quit attempting to catch them. I must keep at this fruitless endeavor, or I shall have nothing to look forward to. One day, you'll see me for how I am. One day.