//------------------------------// // Or it could have happened LIKE THIS! // Story: Murder on the Friendship Express! // by Shahrazad //------------------------------// Pinkie Pie whirled around to face Ignis and Hot Shot. They stood side by side, while Pinkie crouched and aimed the syringe, held in her rather dexterous tuft of mane. Pinkie advanced on them like a predatory cat, teeth bared. Although the effect was dampened by her pink coat and baby-blue eyes, Ignis and Hot Shot shied away from her anyway. Ignis spoke first. “What are you doing? Why are you pointing that at me?” Pinkie growled back, “You thought you two could get away with it? I guess it’s possible Hot Shot did it on his own, but really? REALLY? You didn't notice your special somepony killing Felix? Most likely you two did it together. I mean, YOU poisoned Whistle Stop,” Pinkie said, brandishing the syringe at Ignis. Slate advanced on the duo, right behind Pinkie. “Are you sure they done it? I thought her daddy gots plenty of bits. Why steal the bond?” Pinkie blew a raspberry, then popped the pipe into her mouth. “I suspect they needed a bribe.” Tiny shook her head and clapped her hooves to her temples. “What? How…? How do you know all this?” Pinkie took another step, backing Ignis and Hot Shot to the wall. Each of them shied into a different corner, too far apart to hit them both with the luminol. Pinkie blew a few bubbles on her pipe, with her eyes bouncing between the two of them. “I figured it out by a process of elimination. First, there’s Ol’ Bitty. She’s using a cane, and while I don’t think she actually needs it…” Ol’ Bitty blushed a bit and wrapped a hoof around her cane. “...she isn't physically strong enough to bash Felix over the head, drag him here, then return before the lights came back on.” Bitty sighed. “Believe me, getting old ain't fer sissies!” “Then there’s Tiny Tinsel. Her motive would be money. Of course, she didn't know about the bond until she got onboard the train. Even if she did somehow find out about the money beforehoof, she wouldn't have given it away as a bribe. It’s still possible that she committed the crime, and then had to bribe the engineer out of desperation, but she’s not the planning type, and this murder was pretty well-planned. The chances of her being the murderer are extremely low.” “Um, thanks, I guess,” Tiny said with a flat brow. “As for Quiet Quill, she has hemophobia. Did you notice how she stares at every bloody hoofprint? She wouldn't even get near poor Felix. She does have a motive, and the 1,000,000 bits would be tempting, but if she were to do it, she would use poison. Which she has…” Pinkie said, with a sly grin. Slate perked his head and ears up, and stared at Quiet Quill. She shrank to the far end of the car, never looking at Felix’s remains. “She’s got poison?” Pinkie chuckled and said, “Well, not exactly. Funny story, Quiet Quill is actually two ponies.” Every eye looked wide at Quill. “See her diary here?” Pinkie held the diary in her mouth and pointed to the middle of a page, in between two paragraphs. “Notice how not only the tone changes, but even the writing changes! That’s incredible! Most ponies can’t make a good forgery, and here Quill is, completely changing her penmareship right in the middle of her private diary. I strongly suspect she’s got a second personality in there,” Pinkie said, while she pointed at Quill’s head. “And the other one is the creative one. That’s why you've got writer's block— you’re not actually a writer!” Quiet Quill’s eyes went wide, and she fell to her rump. Her mouth hung open, while she just blinked several times. Slowly, she looked at her own hoofs, then touched her own face, as if she were trying to make sure she was still in one piece. She ended up with three hooves on the ground and one forehoof covering her slack jaw. She stared at her own hooves, unfocused. “Anyway, she’s got medication to regulate her sleep. It’s a common symptom when you have a second personality: you think you’re sleeping, but in reality, the other you is taking over. So you think you’re sleeping ten hours a day when you’re really only sleeping two. The diazepam she’s got is a good treatment for insomnia. It’s not such a great drug for treating a heart condition, though.” Pinkie said, glancing at Whistle Stop. “You mean, somepony slipped Whistle Stop diaz-whatever instead of his nitroglycerin? Why?” Slate asked. “To keep him out of the engine room. Knowing his personality, and his obsession with time, he would know if we were running late when he asked the engineer about it, and the engineer would have a hard time explaining our lateness because of his little smoke break.” Pinkie nodded to the corner of the room. Slate did a double-take, and looked in the corner of the car to see a smashed cigarette butt. “Okay, so he took a break. What does that have to do with anything?” “The engineer took a smoke break in here when the killer came in to deposit the body. They got desperate, looking for a place to stash it, when the engineer caught them. Or rather, he was in the right place at the right time. The murderer had to either kill him as well, or convince him to help. Since they had to get back to the dining car quickly, and had 1,000,000 bits they didn't know what to do with…” Pinkie’s smile showed pearly white teeth. “You mean,” Slate said with awe, “the engineer has the bond?” He whirled around. “Hold your horses there, buster!” Pinkie yelled at him. “Don’t leave yet; I might need your help. You see, since I eliminated everypony else with a motive, that leaves these two. To be honest, I’m not sure which one did it. I’ll bet they did it together. I think Hot Shot actually killed Felix. He seems to be the stronger of the two, and it took some real strength to kill Felix like that.” Slate glared at Hot Shot and said, “The jig is up. You’re taking the fall for this one, featherhead!” Hot Shot’s eyes darted between Pinkie and Ignis. Pinkie continued, “They didn't need the 1,000,000 bits, Ignis’ family has plenty. This wasn't about a little money, this was about a LOT of money. Billions of bits, not a measly million. That’s why Felix is still on the train, and not tossed off like a sack of mail. The murderer needed to make a statement to the rest of Felix’s company. So, once they bribed the engineer and disposed of the body, they snuck back into the dining car. Everything was going great, until Whistle Stop got too close to the engine room. It’s partly your fault, Slate. You kept asking about the engineer. It’s in the killer’s best interest if they never speak to each other, at least until we make our next stop. After that, they’ll be gone, and the engineer will cover their tracks.” “I’m gonna have to talk to that guy once we’re done here,” Slate growled. “Hey, 1,000,000 bits is worth a lot of cupcakes! He’s just a scared pony, so cut him some slack. Yeah, he took the bribe, but the other option was getting his skull caved in with a wrench. In that situation, I might have taken the bits too!” “Yeah, but afterwards you’d help them good ponies, right?” Slate shot back. “Right, but for now, he’s probably scared out of his wits. He knows who the killers are, and doesn't want to be anywhere near them. Anyway, that’s why Whistle Stop’s medication had to be switched, and a heart attack induced, to prevent him from getting into the engine room. Switching his meds when the lights went out was the easy part. Getting a heart attack on time is much harder, at least without shocking the victim. However…” Pinkie grinned like a shark at Ignis. “Making a pony have heartburn with a few extra spices added to their food and making them think they were having a heart attack? That’s a stroke of genius.” Ignis’ face became pale. “Wh-what are you talking about?” “You slipped some peppers into the salad and gave it to Whistle Stop. I’m sure having a heart attack was in the back of his mind, what with all the stress he was under. Then, when he felt heartburn? He actually DID have a mild heart attack! Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy. After that, it was a simple matter to pick his pocket and switch his meds when the lights went out. It might have worked, too, if I hadn't noticed the way you've been lying this whole time.” Pinkie shot a glance between Hot Shot and Ignis. “So tell me, how guilty is she, Hot Shot?” Hot Shot glared at Pinkie. “She’s not guilty at all. I’m not guilty, either. We've done nothing wrong!” he shouted. “Liar-liar-pants-on-fire!” Pinkie sang. “And this will prove it!” she said, advancing on Ignis, the syringe held in a tuft of her mane. With a mid-air headbutt, she sank the plunger of the syringe and squirted Ignis with the chemical. “NO!” Hot Shot yelled as he dove in front of Ignis like he was intercepting a crossbow bolt. The chemical splattered on his chest, hooves, and wings. He landed on the carpet with a dull thump. He struggled to his hooves, but not before Pinkie took a stride to the door and put a hoof on the light switch. “Got anything you wanna tell me, before I hit the lights?” Pinkie asked, looking at Ignis. “I-I-I…” Ignis sputtered, but said nothing more as Pinkie glanced at Slate. The rest of the group looked on with wide, unblinking eyes. “Leave him alone!” Ignis screamed, but too late. Pinkie hit the lights, plunging the car into darkness. All except for Hot Shot. He was an inky black pony shape with glowing, green splotches, lots of them. Everywhere the luminol hit him, he glowed. “Get out of here, Ignis!” Hot Shot’s voice came from a spot just above the glowing green forehooves. “You’ll pay for this, Pinkie!” he said, as the green, glowing limbs darted forward to where Pinkie stood only a moment ago. WHAM! Thunk. The glowing limbs flopped onto the ground. click The lights came back on. Hot Shot lay splayed on the carpet. A hoof-shaped bruise appeared on his cheek, roughly the size and shape of Slate’s hoof. Slate had just flipped the light switch, and looked around, searching. “Where is she?” he asked Whistle Stop, the nearest pony, who shrugged in response. His eyes tracked around the car. None of the other ponies had moved. Ol’ Bitty sat stock-still, her mouth agape. Quill cowered behind Tiny, who stood near the opposite end of the car. He found Ignis and Pinkie on the far end of the car. “How did you get over there so fast? The lights were only off for a second!” Ignis crouched, coiled like a spring, facing the door which would have let her jump off the train. A rather dangerous jump, but Pinkie stood in her way, blocking her exit. “Freeze, or I’ll blow you away!” Pinkie barked. She held a kazoo in her mouth. Ignis raised one eyebrow. “You’re going to stop me with that little thing?” “Don’t make me use my party kazoo!” Pinkie replied. “It’s got double the power of my party cannon, and even I don’t know what kind of party it’ll make! It’s only for emergency I-need-a-party-right-now-and-I-don’t-care-what-kind-of-party parties. Do you have any idea what kind of horrors could be unleashed? Don’t do it, Ignis!” Ignis smirked. “I’m not going to get railroaded by a crazy pinko and some muscle-bound freak. Get out of my way!” she said, then took a step forward. ~~~~~ The call came in, but they could hardly believe it. A murderer? Hoof-delivered to them by train? A murder was an exceedingly rare event in Equestria, much less the guilty party being caught and hoof-delivered at high speed. It didn't get any less strange when the train screamed to a halt and the doors opened. A group of ponies staggered out of the last car. Every single one swayed on their hooves, like they had repeatedly been hit with blunt objects over the head. Or drank immense quantities of hard cider. “What’s the matter with them?” Detective Magnifying Glass asked. “Hey! Stop where you are! Who’s the victim? What happened to you all? Where’s Pinkie Pie?” At the mention of her name, Pinkie burst out of the detective’s trench coat. Which was particularly impressive, given that his coat had no pockets on the inside. “What the—?!” Pinkie bounced, a spring in her step, and her head bouncing like a bobble-head. “W-w-w-w-w-wow! I haven’t had a party like that for awhile!” “Party…?” Magnifying Glass asked. “No…” Ignis mumbled. “P-please no. No more…” Hot Shot stumbled out behind her, swaying dangerously. “G-huh, get away, Ignis…” he stumbled and fell. “It’s too much…” His hooves and wings glowed faintly in the night, especially when flashlights weren't being shined on him. “Th-th-th-th-th-th-th-that one! T-t-t-t-t-t-t-ake him down!” Pinkie said, like a broken record, as she pointed at Hot Shot. “Wh-what?” Magnifying Glass asked. He shook his head, then pointed at Hot Shot and commanded, “arrest him!” The police stallions quickly obeyed. “What’s wrong with your voice?” he asked Pinkie. “Heh-heh-heh,” Pinkie giggled. “As it turns out, DJ-PON3 isn't the only one with some good wubs! I just got a little carried away.” “N-no. No more…” Tiny mumbled, her eyes rolling in opposite directions. “No more wubs, please.” “The wubs might have been a bit fast, and loud,” Pinkie explained. “I don’t think these ponies can handle a party of that magnitude.” She whispered into Magnifying Glass’ ear for a few moments. He nodded. “YOU!” he barked, pointing at Hot Shot. “You’re under arrest for murder. I’ll have you hanged for this!” Most of the ponies still had flashing lights in their eyes and wubs filling their ears, but at the mention of hanging, Ignis’ eyes went wide. “Wh-what? Equestria doesn’t have capital punishment except within the royal court! We’re not in Canterlot!” she cried. “Correct. However…” Magnifying Glass grinned like a shark, and continued, “...Royal jurisdiction applies here, since you were on a train. Because there’s no way for us to tell exactly where you were and which county has jurisdiction at the time, all crimes committed on a train go right to Canterlot. Since this one occurred at night, that means Princess Luna will be the judge.” His grin grew wider. “I believe she isn’t quite up to speed with all of Equestria’s new rules. Doesn’t she still try to sentence ponies to death by being drawn and quartered?” Pinkie nodded with an overwide grin, while he continued, “I’ve never seen a pony get ripped apart by four royal guards running in opposite directions after being tied to a murderer’s limbs, but I hear it’s rather painful. Maybe I’ll get to see it in my lifetime…” he said, wistfully. Ignis began to sweat profusely. “You can’t! He’s… he’s innocent!” She threw herself on top of Hot Shot, protecting him with her body. “D-don’t kill him! Please!” she begged. “Why not? He killed Felix, didn’t he? All by himself, too. He did it all for you! What a guy, but we can’t let a stallion like that wander around. What if a balloon bumped you at a party? Then he’d have to murder that innocent balloon, and that might ruin a party! The horror…” Pinkie’s mane and tail went flat. “Could you even imagine it?” “Take him away!” Magnifying Glass commanded. “NO! I put him up to it! ME! Put me on trial!” she cried. She sobbed, and held onto Hot Shot. She blubbered, “I’m so sorry, Hots. I’ll save you, I promise!” “Got her,” Pinkie said with a nod. “Arrest her, too,” Magnifying Glass commanded, then nodded at Pinkie with a smirk. “An excellent ruse, Miss Pie. Looks like we've got this all wrapped up with a neat bow.” “Wh-what?” Ignis looked up, tears draining out of her eyes. “You mean…?” “Heh, yeah. Luna doesn't sentence ponies to death anymore.” “We’re not quite done here,” Pinkie cut in. “The engineer at the front of the train still has the bond. I think he’s just scared, so go easy on him.” Pinkie bounced behind the detective as he trotted to the front of the train. The rest of the group was treated to hot chocolate milk and warm blankets while Hot Shot and Ignis were taken away. Pinkie bucked the door to the engine room open. “Surprise!” “AHHHH DON’T KILL ME!” The engineer cowered on the floor, holding his hooves over his head. After a moment of nothing, he cracked an eye open and looked up. “A-are they gone?” “Hot Shot and Ignis are under arrest. You can give me the valuable stuff now,” Pinkie said. The engineer stood and, with a shaky hoof, gave Pinkie a bond worth 1,000,000 bits. Pinkie tilted her head, while Magnifying Glass swiped the bond from her after only a second. “You can’t have that! It’s evidence!” Pinkie blew a raspberry. “I don’t want that! I want the feldspar you've got.” The engineer looked at her, one eye twitching. “You said valuable… Nevermind, there’s a piece of feldspar that got tossed in with the coal. I found it while those two crazies hid the wrench in there.” Indeed, gripped in the head of the wrench, under the pile of coal, was a chunk of feldspar. “Perfect! Mystery solved!” Pinkie exclaimed. ~~~~~ “And that’s how I solved the mystery of the missing feldspar. Aren’t you proud of me, Daddy?” Pinkie sat at the old oak dining table, surrounded by her family. They looked on during her story with what could best be described as mild interest. Of course, with the Pie family, one could never truly tell. Igneous Rock scratched his beard and replied, “Thank you, Pinkie. I’ve always enjoyed your silly stories. I could never make up something like that myself.” The rest of the Pie family nodded and ‘smiled.’ The smiles were only detectable with precision microscopes, but Pinkie noticed. Pinkie wasn’t smiling. “But it’s all true! And I finished the rock collection! Aren’t you proud of me?” Her father replied, “Of course I’m proud of you. I’m glad you remembered your fillyhood instruction. Feldspar is a common rock that can be found lying on the ground almost anywhere. I just like the way you talk about it, like it’s really special to you. It makes me happy.” Pinkie’s eyes shifted left and right. “Heh, common rock, found on the ground. Of course…”