Not a sound was made as the doctor cautiously peered into the barely-lit domicile. The subtle breathing of the several small animals in their makeshift dens was the only noise to be heard, and the only light was that which shined through the windows from the early morning sun.
The sun that rises in the frickin’ West, thought the doctor with chagrin as he stepped over the body of a sleeping ferret. For Christ’s sake, doesn’t she make them sleep outside? Where they frickin’ belong? He slowly closed the door behind him, and continued towards the kitchen. “Hmm…” Perhaps I could use her affinity for the local fauna to my advantage. I could blackmail her into my servant by threatening the lives of her beloved pets. Or perhaps I could use her to command these little furry bastards to do my evil bidding. The thought of commanding a pack of weasels, however, was far from satisfying. Oh who am I kidding? No one has ever been scared of a frickin’ rabbit.
After an excruciatingly-long minute of navigating the labyrinth of unconscious fuzzballs, the doctor finally made it to the kitchen, where the light of the sun shined brightly enough to illuminate the entire room, revealing an open window above the sink.
He raised an eyebrow in thought. Was that window always open? he wondered as he approached the counter. There was a soft breeze emanating through the open window, that carried along with it the scent of magnolias. Outside, the forest of which he had just recently emerged from lined the left side of his field of vision, and seemed to stretch onward for an infinity; though that isn’t saying much, as a hill brought the horizon to a distance of what the doctor could only assume was around fifty feet.
To the right, he could see that the forest line curved to the right around the hill, and he saw it continue past the mound of dirt and grass to the side. Smoke could be seen rising above the trees. Before the doctor could even begin to wonder what the source could be, he heard a faint, yet obnoxious voice scream, “Oi! Get back here ya wee morsal! Get in mah belleh!”
He cringed. What a fat bastard, he thought, reaching a hand out to close the window. At least he’s a good cook, though. The window was shut with the sound of gushing air as the airtight seal was reformed. The moment that he turned around, however, he heard the loud crash! of something shattering on the floor coming from the living room, followed by the cacophony of animal calls and cries of agitation.
The audibular assault on his eardrums was nothing short of horrific as the doctor covered his ears with the palms of his hands. Can’t that yellow abomination watch where she’s frickin’ going? he thought as he rounded the corner of the doorway. “Hey!” he screamed over the cries of the animal choir. “I’m gonna kill these little rodents if someone doesn’t-” As his eyes fell upon the animals’ center of attention, his words were quickly silenced. Before him, an equine figure draped in a burlap -and it was indeed made out of burlap- cloak covering every inch of his figure, standing before a broken lantern. Oil spilled from the unlit light source, releasing a foul odor into the air. The two stood there, staring at each other, neither willing to move. It was the doctor who broke the silence.
“Are you the same one that broke into that big tree house?” he inquired, recognizing the cloak.
He never received a reply, however, as a nearby book was magically thrown straight at the doctor’s face, knocking him back onto the floor with a loud thud, his back propped up against the wall. The doctor brought his hand up to his nose, groaning in agony. “Gah!” he cried out, feeling a warm liquid pool onto his upper lip. “Goddamnit! You gave me another nosebleed you a-hole!”
But the figure paid him no mind, favoring -to the doctor’s surprise- to jump straight out the window, shattering it and piling on the pitter-patter of falling glass to the biting cacophony of noise all around him. He sat there on the ground, pinching his nose and doing his best to prevent any more blood from staining his clothes, when he heard a loud series of thumps upstairs. They eventually found their way downstairs, and amidst the chaos, the appearance of his landlord seemed to put his mind at ease.
The one time I’m happy to see a pastel-colored horse, he thought cynically. “Shut them up!” he commanded, his pinched-off nose altering his voice. “Shut them up, shut them UP!”
Piercing through the ghastly cries of various animal species, a quiet humming radiated over the choir and -to the doctor’s relief- already, the room became quieter. The cries were reduced to squeals, were reduced to calls, were reduced to absolute silence, save for the appealing song that only now did the doctor realize Fluttershy was humming. He was content to sit resignedly on the floor, listening to the rise and fall of her humming as it seemed to weave a calming tale for him. Even the pain in his nose began to ebb.
When the song had concluded, the animals were at peace; some going back to sleep, others wandering around to begin their day, and others yet deciding to watch her intently, waiting for another song. The doctor raised an eyebrow, watching as Fluttershy scanned the room. When she beheld the injured man on the floor, however, her pleasant demeanor was replaced with that of anxiety. “Oh my, you’re hurt!”
“I’m fine,” he said as she hovered into the air and rushed towards him, holding his head firmly yet gently between her hooves as she examined his wound. “No really, I’m fi- I’m fine!” He pulled away, eliciting a perplexed look from Fluttershy. “Your house just got frickin’ broken into!”
“Wait, what?” Fluttershy scanned the room once more, immediately noticing the shattered lamp and window. “Oh my! Did he hurt you?” she inquired, looking back at him.
“I’m fine, but we gotta get a frickin’ move on!” he said, standing back up. “I wish to speak with this jackass about a tree.”
“We can do that later,” Fluttershy said, trying to gently push him towards the kitchen. “But first, we need to get that nose taken care of.”
“He’s gonna get away!” he shouted, pushing past the meek pegasus to look out the window. Outside, there was no trace of the incognito bandito anywhere.
Incognito Bandito… I don’t know how I come up with these things, he thought proudly, before remembering that he was supposed to be upset. With the correct mood in mind, he turned back towards the flying pegasus. “Well, way to go, numbnuts. Because of your weird obsession with my nose, I lost him. Way to frickin’ go.”
She frowned. “But didn’t you say last night to focus on the one who was injured?”
“I-” His voice caught in his throat as he recalled the conversation of the night prior. “...suppose you’re right.” After a moment of thought, he then said, “From now on, if my injury isn’t life-threatening, then you need to deal with the most important issue at the moment. Understood?” Upon receiving an understanding not, he sighed. “Now get me a frickin’ tissue.”
-Insert Austin Powers Wipe Here-
The day’s first rays of sunlight had only just begun to peak over the edge of the town when Sweetie Belle had departed for classes that day. Her saddlebag of books seemed especially heavy, as did her eyelids, on account of her having woken up far earlier than she would have liked.
Stupid secret meeting, she mentally chanted over and over again as she trudged down the street. Looking around, she saw several other fillies and colts leaving their own respective homes; they were all heading for the same destination, after all. Looking to her right, she saw her friend Scootaloo walk through her front door, with her parents waving out at her.
Her parents are so nice, she thought idly as her course changed from the school to her friend, soon walking next to her. “Morning, Scootaloo,” she said weakly.
“What’s so…” Scootaloo squinted her eyes and released a yawn into her hoof. “...What’s so good about it?” Upon a closer examination, her eyes had developed dark bags beneath them; no doubt because of their lack of sleep. Her mane was also even more unkempt than usual, and the feathers of her wings were ruffled. It looked like she had just rolled out of bed.
“I didn’t say good morning,” Sweetie Belle retorted, licking her chops. Then, upon tasting her own vile morning breath, she cringed. Oh no, I forgot to brush my teeth! I hope no one notices.
Scootaloo opened her eyes widely for a moment, before they fell back down to their weighty, squinting stature. “I don’t know about you,” she began, “but I don’t think having that meeting at four in the morning was such a good idea.”
“I know,” she agreed. “I couldn’t sleep at all; I was too excited about being a supervillain.” The mention of her new title, even now in a moment of sluggish fatigue, brought a smile to her face. “What would an evil cutie mark look like?”
Scootaloo shrugged. “Beats me. Maybe a skull? That seems pretty evil to me.”
“But what sort of talent does that even show?” Sweetie Belle questioned. “What about a laser?”
Suddenly, Scootaloo’s fatigue was forgotten for a mere second as she perked up. “Or a skull with a laser on its head!” Her optimism was ruined, however, when another yawn emerged from her lips, forcing her to remember that she was incredibly tired.
“That would be pretty cool,” Sweetie Belle admitted. “But I don’t think- Hey, is that Applebloom?” The two looked onward to find a yellow filly with an iconic red bow in her hair, standing straight up and leaning into a building, with her back to the duo.
“Applebloom!” Scootaloo weakly called, trotting up next to her. Upon examination of her face, however, Scootaloo snickered. “And I thought I was tired.”
“What is it?” Sweetie Belle asked, eager to share in her friends newfound joviality. She trotted up next to Scootaloo, and saw that Applebloom had fallen asleep leaning on the wall. Her head was rested on the windowsill of the house, and she was snoring peacefully.
Apparently, too peacefully for Scootaloo, who shook Applebloom awake by her shoulders. “Hey, wake up!” she said loudly, causing Applebloom to jerk her head up and look around frantically, with her eyes wide open.
“What! Who! Where!” Her darting eyes rested on those of her friend, and she sighed in exhaustion. “Oh, did ah doze off a bit?”
Sweetie Belle was the one to respond. “Uh huh. You didn’t get any sleep either?”
“Eenope,” Applejack said abysmally. “Mah sister caught me comin’ inside this mornin’, an’ when she finally let me go upstairs, the-”
“Applejack caught you?!” Scootaloo exclaimed, forgetting her fatigue once more as her previously-sluggish dialogue took on a scared, fidgety edge. “What did you tell her?”
“Ah told her the truth,” Applebloom admitted with a grin, which only grew as the two friends before her exchanged looks of anxiety. “That we were plannin’ on prankin’ that stuck-up, no-good Diamond Tiara.”
Sweetie Belle felt a knot unravel in her chest, and she released a sigh of relief. “And she bought it? Isn’t your sister supposed to be the Element of Honesty? As in, you can’t lie to her without her knowing?”
“That’s just it though,” Applebloom said slowly, her grin becoming a sinister sneer. “Ah wasn’t lyin’. We’re gonna get that filly fluesy what’s comin’ to her.”
Sweetie Belle gulped. This can’t be good… Wait, of course it can’t be good; we’re super villains now! We’re not supposed to do anything good. Apparently Scootaloo had come to the same conclusion, because she had amplified the dark situation by tacking on a far-too-convincing evil cackle reminiscent of that of Nightmare Moon’s. Upon her conclusion, Sweetie Belle and Applebloom were both shooting her looks; Sweetie’s of suspicion and reluctance, and Applebloom’s of pride and affirmative.
“...That was, uh…” Sweetie Belle began, gulping audibly, “really good, Scootaloo.”
“Thanks!” she replied proudly. “I’ve been practicing.”
“For how long?” Applebloom interjected.
“Three months… What?” Scootaloo raised an eyebrow as the two fillies shot her surprised looks. “You never know when you’ll need it!”
-Insert Austin Powers Wipe Here-
“...and the Prench armies marched onto the mountainside kingdom of Witherhold, thus securing it as what would soon be known as the capital of Equestria, Canterlot. Any questions so far?” inquired Cheerilee, who stood in front of a chalkboard with very rudimentary drawings representing armies and a crude drawing of canterlot from a distance.
Applebloom was about to raise her hand, when she heard whispering from behind her. “No wonder she’s not an art teacher,” came the hushed voice of who Applebloom thought was the worst pony in all of Ponyville, Diamond Tiara. Her statement was accompanied by the combined snickering of herself and her accomplice; Silver Spoon.
“What was that, Diamond?” called Cheerilee loudly, a look of irritation and suspicion on her face.
“Huh?” came the voice. “I said… you should totally be an art teacher! You know, instead of teaching history.” Her voice was accompanied by a sheepish chuckle, and Applebloom rolled her eyes.
There’s no way Miss Cheerilee’s gonna fall for-
“Oh!” Cheerilee’s previously-skeptical demeanor was replaced by that of cheery enthusiasm. “Well thank you, Diamond Tiara! What a nice thing to say.”
Applebloom then proceeded to bury her face in her textbook, groaning perhaps a tad too loudly. Her groan was reciprocated by a much louder one at the head of the class, which piqued her curiosity enough to lift her muzzle from the book.
Cheerilee was now giving her the look that had been deemed necessary to give to Diamond Tiara not a minute ago. “Is there a problem, Applebloom?” she inquired.
“Huh?” Lost in a moment of temporary confusion, her mouth opened and closed with no words escaping.
“Oh my, how late were you up last night?” Cheerilee then inquired in a reprimanding tone.
“The same time as ah always do,” she replied truthfully. Ah just woke up earlier than usual.
“Well, the bags under your eyes say otherwise,” she countered, before scanning her students. “Same goes for you three,” she added, pointing a hoof at both Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle and another student, Rumble. “In fact, I think it might be a good idea if the four of you stay inside for recess and take a nap. I wouldn’t want you to fall asleep during today’s test.”
“WHAT?!” cried out three of the four students in unison. The only one who didn’t yell in indignation was Applebloom, who sat in her seat calmly, as though the teacher hadn’t said a word.
That gives me an idea, she thought, seeing several pieces of a puzzle fit together with ease.
“Actually,” Applebloom began, “that might not be such a bad idea. Ah am a lil’ sleepy.” As though to validate her claim, she released a faux yawn into her hoof, hiding a grin behind it.
“Thank you for being so mature about this, Applebloom,” Cheerilee said gratefully. “I’m glad you understand the importance of a good nights rest. As for you three,” she said, turning her attention to the foals to Applebloom’s left, “I don’t want to hear any complaining. It’s important that you get your fair share of sleep so that you’re well energized for the day.”
At that moment, she checked a clock mounted on the wall above the door to the schoolhouse. “Actually, it’s time. So you four, stay in your seats. The rest of you, go on out to recess.”
The once-quiet group of students suddenly turned into a raving mob of chatty ponies as they funneled out of the classroom and outside. As she passed by, DIamond Tiara left a crumpled-up piece of paper on Applebloom’s desk, who proceeded to open it with chagrin and caution.
teecher’s pet
Applebloom rolled her eyes, discreetly dropping the piece of paper on the floor. Ah might’ve been upset if she didn’t spell “Teacher” wrong.
Once everyone had exited the room save for the four students and their teacher, Cheerilee proceeded to draw each pair of curtains for each window, submerging the room into a dusk-level darkness. Once this task was completed, she opened a drawer in her desk. Retrieving a brown paper bag, she then made her way outside, saying, “I know desks don’t make very good beds, but you wouldn’t need to use them if you had gotten a good night of sleep in the first place.” And with that, she had left.
Almost immediately, Rumble had passed out with his face buried in his textbook, snoring loudly. Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle each took to drearily looking forward at the chalkboard, their eyes slowly and sluggishly closing. Applebloom, however, went immediately to work, rummaging through the saddlebags next to her desk.
“Wait, what’s Applebloom doing?” whispered Scootaloo.
“Applebloom?” then came Sweetie Belle.
“Ah said we were gonna get Diamond Tiara back, didn’t ah?” she replied with equal quietness, searching her bag until she found…
Bingo.
She withdrew from the saddlebag a small, clear tube of a foggy yellow substance. On it was a label with a picture of a cross-eyed and swirly-eyed mare on it, with the words “Crazier Glue” above the picture.
“What’s that?” inquired Sweetie Belle as Applebloom slid herself out of her seat, moving back towards Diamond Tiara’s desk.
“It’s the glue mah brother was gonna use t’ fix our door,” Applebloom said, standing over the offender’s desk. “Takes two hours t’ dry, but when it does, it works really good!”
“You’re gonna glue her to her desk?” then asked Scootaloo. “Isn’t that a little extreme?”
Applebloom’s head shot up, and she shot Scootaloo a glare. “After all she’s done t’ us? She deserves a whole lot more than just a lil’ glue on her flank. An’ besides, we’re villains now! Doctor Evil says, ‘either go big, or go back to Belgium’, so ah’m goin’ big!”
Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo exchanged worried glances. “When did he say that?” Sweetie Belle questioned.
“And what’s Belgium?” inquired Scootaloo.
“Back when he made me his apprentice,” she answered honestly. “An’ ah don’t really know, Scootaloo, but it don’t sound very good.” At that point, Applebloom turned the nozzle upside down, unscrewing the cap.
“Hang on,” Scootaloo said, getting out of her own chair and approaching the mare with the not-so-lethal weapon. “You can’t use too much. If it takes that long to dry, then you have to use a really small amount so she doesn’t notice. Otherwise she’ll just get up and complain about the slimy stuff on her butt.”
From behind the trio, Rumble giggled in his sleep.
“You’re right,” Applebloom ceded, ignoring the pegasus in the back. “Well, here goes nothin’.” She brought the nozzle down, and made seven small dots with the yellow glue. It came out like normal crafting glue, only a little thicker, and emitted a foul odor reminiscent of a doctor’s office. Once she stopped, she put the glue cap back on, and before she could put the glue back in her own bag, the door handle of the classroom began fidgeting.
Her eyes widened and her pupils shrank as she made a mad dash for her desk, tossing the glue across the room to use both of her hooves. Scootaloo did the same, racing through the rows of desks until she slid into her own seat. Applebloom put her head down into her forelegs, peeking over them with one squinting eye.
The two just barely made it to their seats as the door opened, revealing Cheerilee. She silently walked inside, taking care to shut the door and move to her desk with as little noise as possible. She opened another drawer, before removing another paper bag. This one had the word “lunch” written on the front in a big black marker. Carrying the bag in her mouth, she slowly moved back out the door, shutting it quietly.
All three fillies released heavy sighs of relief.
...Wait, what was in the first bag then? Applebloom inquired silently.
-Insert Austin Powers Wipe Here-
“Pencils down!” called Cheerilee from her desk. Following the sound of her voice was the simultaneous -almost autonomous- clicking of pencils on desks. Applebloom eyed the clock warily, counting down the minutes.
Please be dry, she silently pleaded. Please, please, please be dry!
In truth, it had only been an hour since the glue was applied, and Applebloom was biting her lower lip in anxiousness. She looked down at her test; she was almost certain that she had failed, though that was a bridge she was willing to focus on when she came to it.
All of a sudden, something clicked in her head. What if Cheerilee asks us to bring the papers to her instead of collecting them? The glue might not be dry by then!
“Alright,” began Cheerilee, “now I want you all to bring me your papers, please.”
In an instant, Applebloom clamped down on her lower lip in anxiousness. Please be dry!
With the calmness and collectiveness of a frightened dog, Applebloom -along with every other student- slowly approached the desk with her test.
There was a loud bang, as though someone had dropped something heavy. “Hey, what gives? I’m stuck!”
Those five words took all of Applebloom’s anxiety, and promptly threw it out the front door as she found a challenge in keeping a big, smug grin off of her face.
Thank Celestia, she thought, releasing a pent-up breath before turning to see the young rose filly jolt to and fro in a feeble attempt to break apart the adhesive. “You’re stuck?” she repeated, donning a mock expression of concern and surprise. Meanwhile, the entire class
“Oh like you don’t know,” she spat sharply, jerking once more to her side. The legs of the desk itself lifted on one side every time that she did so. “I bet it was you that did this in the first place!”
“What..?” Applebloom slowly reeled back in faux offense. “Why would ah ever do somethin’ so mean?”
“Oh don’t act so innocent,” hissed Tiara. “You’ve had it out for me all year!”
This time, Applebloom was truly surprised. “Ah’ve had it out for you?! Now just wait one-”
“Enough!” called Cheerilee in a boisterous voice, drowning out the cackles and titters of the other students. Once all was silent, she scowled. “You all should be ashamed of yourselves for laughing at this poor student! What if it was one of you?” She extended a hoof, panning across the small crowd as she continued. “It wouldn’t be funny then, now would it?”
The class was silent. Cheerilee took a deep breath, before turning to Diamond Tiara. “Now, let’s not go to put a blame on anyone just yet. Now let me see here…” She approached the fuming filly slowly, lowering her head to examine the chair. “...Is that… glue..?” She looked up at Diamond Tiara. “And you’re absolutely stuck?”
“Well duh,” DIamond Tiara said brashly, folding her hooves indignantly across her chest. “Why else would I say I’m stuck?”
Cheerilee sighed, standing back up. “It’s probably something like superglue then, meaning that we need to call someone to get you out.”
Applebloom bit her tongue to avoid a giggling fit. She’s gonna be so embarrassed, she’ll never live this down!
Suddenly, Cheerilee turned back towards Applebloom. “But it also means that some little filly has a lot of explaining to do.”
She almost bit her tongue off as her jaw clenched, causing her to open her mouth in pain. “Ah… what? Why’re y’all lookin’ at me?”
“Well,” began Cheerilee in a reprimanding tone, “it had to be either you, Rumble, Sweetie Belle or Scootaloo, considering that you were the only ones that could have done this without anyone knowing.”
The anxiety that had previously been tossed out of the metaphorical window suddenly came back with friends, and Applebloom felt her eyes widen and her breathing near the level of hyperventilation. Shoot shoot SHOOT, how did ah not think of that?!
“And while only you three girls have any probable cause,” she continued, “it seems to be you especially who has a problem with her.”
“But ah didn’t do it!” she cried, feeling her chest tighten up as her plans all crumbled around her.
“Miss Cheerilee!” suddenly cried a familiar voice on the opposite end of the room; a familiarly-scratchy voice belonging to that of what Applebloom considered the second-most accident-prone pony in Ponyville, Snips. “Ooh, Miss Cheerilee!”
Cheerilee released another sigh, looking away from the yellow bow-clad filly and towards the source of the voice. “Yes, Snips?”
“Look! This was poking out of Rumble’s saddlebag!” The stout, green colt then brought up a hoof, and in that hoof, he held…
Applebloom’s eyes grew even wider. Wait, what?! But, how?!
Everyone in the room released a surprised gasp simultaneously; that is, save for the grey colt that was currently resting his unconscious head on his half-completed test paper. Cheerilee stomped a hoof heavily on the floor, causing the colt to jerk up with half-open eyelids. “Whah..! Huh?” He inhaled in a sharp, snorting way, before rubbing the fatigue from his eyes. “What happened?”
He then shied back as Cheerilee shot him an angry stare. She approached the colt, retrieving the small bottle that Snips had found and examining the label. “...Crazier glue? Rumble, you have some explaining to do.”
His eyes opened a bit more, looking up at the bottle in her hoof. “What do you mean?”
“Don’t act like you don’t know, Rumble,” she began. “For doing this, I’m giving you this week and next week of detention, and I’m contacting your parents. Do you know how dangerous using glue on a pony can be?”
“Wait, what did I do?” Rumble shook his head for a moment, his eyes opening even wider.
This is… Applebloom brought a hoof up to her mouth, biting down on it to keep from exclaiming in joy. This is perfect! When ah threw the bottle, it musta landed in his bag!
“And apparently, you’re going to need a new test as well,” she continued, “because you’ve drooled on this one.”
“But I- But you- I-” Rumble began sputtering and babbling incoherently, before finally letting his head hang low. “Aw man…”
Cheerilee then turned around towards Applebloom. “Applebloom, I apologize for accusing you.” Applebloom did her best to keep calm in this newfound glory, replying simply with a nod, before Cheerille then turned to Diamond Tiara. “I believe you owe her an apology as well.”
“What?!” exclaimed Diamond Tiara in outrage. “Why should I have to do that?”
“Because you were just as eager to accuse her as I was,” Cheerilee replied, “and that was wrong of both of us. Now, apologize.”
With a huff, Diamond folded her arms inward once more and stared down at her test, which had still not been taken to the front of the room. “Sorry,” she spat, as though the words were poison.
One pony’s poison, however, was another one’s perfume, and Applebloom basked in the glow of Diamond Tiara swallowing her pride. “It’s no problem, DT,” she replied with a big grin. “No problem at all.”