//------------------------------// // Eleemosynary // Story: Lightning Dust Gets Drunk in a Bar Full of Strangers // by Fire Gazer the Alchemist //------------------------------// “Lightning Dust, please slow down a little!” Derpy cried out. She was going as fast as she could, but was still losing ground to her aqua-marine friend. How in Equestria can one pony be this fast? Derpy thought. Then another question popped into her mind. How could the Wonderbolts not want her? Lightning finally turned her head around and saw how far behind everypony was from her. She halted in mid-air and waited for Derpy to catch up. When she looked back the gray pegasus saw that Time Turner and Dawn Rider were still a ways away. They appeared to be talking. “Whoops,” Lightning said, drawing Derpy’s attention back around. “Sorry. I keep forgetting how slow you guys are.” “I’m not slow,” Derpy argued, giving Lightning a nudge. “You’re just fast.” Her friend grinned wildly. “Yeah, I know.” Derpy giggled at Dust’s bravado. It was definitely one of her cutest traits. Wait… cute? She realized. No Derpy, don’t think like that. You’re just supposed to be Lightning’s friend and nothing more. “So are we almost there?” Lightning asked, interrupting her thoughts. “Oh… uh, just about,” Derpy told her. Lightning nodded glad they were almost at their destination. They flew in slow silence for a moment. It was clear to Derpy that her friend had a question on her mind; just the expression was enough to give it away. “Something you wanted to ask?” “Huh?” Lightning said. “Uh, yeah.” “Well go ahead,” Derpy told her. “You can ask me anything.” Please ask me out, the desperate part of her screamed. Shut up, brain! “You mention earlier that you had a daughter. I was just wondering how you could have one and all given that… well… homosexuality and such…” Derpy gave a short laugh at that. “I adopted her, silly.” “Oh right,” Lightning said. “That makes sense. Though, if you don’t mind me asking… why?” “What do you mean?” Derpy asked. “It’s just… you can’t be more than a few years older than me,” Lightning said. “So why did you adopt her when you’re so young?” Derpy frowned a little. “It’s a bit of a long story.” “Can you give me the condensed version?” Lightning asked. “Otherwise my curiosity will drive me up a wall.” The gray pegasus sighed reluctantly. “I was actually nineteen when I adopted her. You see, all throughout high school I only dated one mare, and when we graduated we were certain that we’d be together forever. We wanted to start a family right away. So we adopted Dinky and raised her together for a few years.” “What happened?” “I screwed everything up,” Derpy said bluntly. “We got into this huge fight about something that was all my fault and… she just left me.” “What? How could she do that?” Lightning asked, stunned. “Pretty easily actually,” Derpy responded. “Ponyville hasn’t legalized gay marriage – mostly cause our mayor is a bit of a tool – so there wasn’t any divorce paperwork needed. She just packed up and moved out. We didn’t even fight over Dinky. I signed the adoption papers, so I was her legal guardian. There were absolutely no strings attached for her, and now I’m a single mom at twenty-three.” Lightning Dust was stunned into silence for a moment. “T-that isn’t right.” “I know; I couldn’t believe it either.” “But I thought you said you two were in love,” Lightning protested. “You were together for years. How could she just leave you and Dinky like that?” “I left out a lot of details,” Derpy replied. “After all, you wanted the condensed version.” “Well what’s the full version?” Lightning demanded. Derpy looked away. “Look Lightning, it’s not exactly something I like to relive.” “Oh,” the aqua-marine pegasus said, realizing the uncomfortableness of the topic.. “Sorry… it just makes me so angry that somepony would do that to you.” “It does?” Derpy asked, her cheeks feeling a little warm. “Of course it does,” she said. “You’re my friend, and quite possibly the sweetest mare I’ve ever met. Knowing that somepony hurt you like that just makes me want to punch them in the face.” “Wow,” Derpy said, her blush deepening. “T-thanks Lightning.” “I’m serious. If you ever see her again, just call me and I’ll bash her snout in for you,” she affirmed. Derpy smiled warmly. She was touched that Lightning was willing to physically maim her ex in an attempt to make her feel better. She was also a little disturbed, but mostly touched. “Hey is that your house up there?” Lightning Dust asked. Looking ahead Derpy saw a familiar wooden home of modest size. “Yep,” Derpy replied. Her home was getting larger by the second, so the two pegasi slowed their flying and landed on the ground mere feet away. Derpy turned to head to gage the progress of Rider and Turner. They were specks in the distance. “Hey move it you two!” Lightning yelled at them. They showed no signs of picking up their pace. “Let’s just go in,” Derpy decided, turning back to her door. “They’ll catch up soon.” She turned the knob and gently pushed her way into her home. As they entered, Derpy observed Lightning Dust look around in slight awe. “Wow,” she said. “Your home is very nice.” Derpy blinked once and took a good look around her house. The cheap furniture had an unhealthy layer of dust coating it, the photos on the walls were crooked, and the plastic vase full of flowers she kept for decoration were drooping and hadn’t been watered in days. “Nice?” She asked incredulously. “Well, nice compared to where I’ve been staying,” Lightning amended. Derpy furrowed her brow, the statement picking at her curiosity. “Where-” “Mommy!” A high-pitched voice squealed with excitement. Turning around towards the living room, Derpy smiled and barely had time to brace herself. Dinky bounded into her mother’s outstretched hooves with joy-fueled hop. “Hello, my little muffin,” Derpy said to her daughter. “I missed you, mommy,” the unicorn filly said, squeezing her adopted mother tightly. It was adorable that she felt that way, even if Derpy hadn’t been gone for more than an hour or two. “Aw, I missed you too, Dinky,” Derpy assured her. She kissed the small filly on her forehead. “Uh,” Lightning Dust interjected. “I kinda feel awkward just standing here.” “Oh right,” Derpy suddenly remembered her friend was right next to them. She set her daughter back on the floor. “Dinky, this is my friend, Lightning Dust.” “Hi,” Dinky chirped, happy to meet a new pony. “Hey kiddo,” Lightning replied with a smile. “Lightning Dust?” A new pony’s voice said. Derpy turned to see Sparkler entering the room. The pink unicorn glanced at he Lightning and suddenly gasped. “Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh! You’re the pony that Derpy lo-” “Sparkler!” Derpy suddenly interrupted through clenched teeth. “Glad to see you’re still here. I’d like you to meet my good friend Lightning Dust. Say hi, Lightning.” “Uh… hi?” Lightning said, perplexed by the situation unfolding. Sparkler looked just as confused. That was too close, Derpy realized. I’ve got to separate these two. “Hey, Dinky,” She said. “Yeah mom?” Dinky asked. “Lightning here was hoping to bake some muffins with us. Could you take her into the kitchen and get started? I need to have a quick chat with Sparkler.” “Okay!” Dinky replied. “Come on Ms. Lightning, I’ll help you get started!” The filly grabbed one of Lightning’s green hooves and began dragging her into the kitchen; she was overly excited to bake one of her favorite treats. As her friend was pulled out of the room, Derpy released a sigh of relief. Sparkler was still wearing of look of confusion. “What was that all about, Ms. Derpy?” She asked. “Sparkler, listen to me very carefully,” Derpy said. The teenager leaned in. “Lightning Dust and I… we aren’t dating.” “What?” Sparkler cried. She was quickly shushed by the gray mare, who was paranoid that Lightning would overhear them. “But… the rose… the dancing… the doves…” Sparkler murmured each part of her asinine fantasy and Derpy shook her head at all of them. “Sorry Sparkler, but none of that’s happening as of now.” “B-but why?” She asked. “I thought you liked her. Why didn’t you ask her out the second you saw her again?” “It’s… complicated,” Derpy replied. “I don’t get it,” Sparkler mumbled. “You like her, and she likes you, right?” “Actually,” Derpy said. “I… uh… I don’t know if she likes me that way. I didn’t ask her out because-” “You don’t even know if she likes you!” Sparkler exclaimed. Derpy cringed, fearing Lightning heard. When no reaction came from the kitchen, she relaxed. “How can you not know?” Sparkler continued. “Is it not eating you up inside? How can you stand it, not knowing if the mare you have a crush on likes you back? Why, if it were me I’d-” “Sparkler please stop,” Derpy interrupted. The last thing she needed right now was this crazy filly putting ideas in her head. “Just… don’t mention my feelings to Lightning, please. Right now she needs a friend, so that’s what I’m trying to be.” “Okay,” the pink unicorn agreed. She still looked a little upset that Derpy was still without a marefriend. “You wanna stay for muffins?” Derpy asked, knowing it would cheer her up. Sparkler smiled. “Totally.” “Well come on then, I’m sure they could use our help.” They began walking towards the kitchen, only to be interrupted by an opening door. “Thanks for waiting for us,” Dawn Rider said with a sardonic voice. “Sorry,” Derpy returned with an equal amount of sarcasm. She watched as he and Time Turner entered, and she noticed the brown stallion was carrying her picnic basket. “Oh thanks for grabbing that,” she said. “I’d completely forgot.” “Yeah, we doubled back to grab it,” Turner informed her. “It’s kinda why we took so long.” “Well I appreciate it,” Derpy said, taking the picnic basket from him and haphazardly tossing it aside. “Come on, if you hurry, we can still help with the muffins.” “Uncle Time Turner!” a pale purple filly screeched in delight. She bounded over the kitchen table – nearly knocking over Lightning Dust who was in the middle of stirring something – and latched onto the stallion right next to me. Turner exhaled from the force of the unexpected hug. “Heya Dinks,” he said patting the little filly on her head. “Glad to see you.” “You don’t come over often enough,” the filly told him. “What are you talking about?” Turner said. “I was here just last week.” The filly shakes her head. “No, that was almost three weeks ago.” She squeezed him a little tighter. “Really?” Time Turner glanced at her. “I could’ve sworn I wasn’t in the workshop for that long.” “Geeze,” I interjected. “For a guy who works with clocks, you don’t really have a good sense of time.” The filly hugging Turner giggled while he scowled at me. Derpy and her pink unicorn friend appeared behind us. She grinned at the cute display of her daughter hugging her friend. “All right Dinky, let him go.” Her daughter released Turner, then she looked at me curiously. “Hi,” she said slowly. “Hello,” I reply. “Oh right,” Derpy said, face-hoofing. “Where are my manners? Dinky, this is my friend Rider. Rider, Dinky.” She turned to the pink teenager behind her. “And this is Sparkler.” I nodded a quick hello, which she returned with a wave of moderate indifference. “You didn’t tell me you had two daughters,” I bluntly said. Judging by the reactions that followed, I was far from the truth. “Oh no, Sparkler’s not my daughter. She just foalsits for me sometimes,” Derpy said with a light laugh. “Yeah, I’m a little old to be her daughter,” Sparkler agreed. “Right, right. My bad,” I said. Damn, that’s my second worst first impression of the day. Bucking fantastic. Derpy laughed. "I honestly can't believe you thought that, Rider. I mean seriously, I'm too young to have a daughter Sparkler's age." The pink unicorn joined in. "Yeah, I'm guessing that wasn't your brightest moment." My ears burned. “Hey are we going make some muffins, or stand around hammering in the fact that Rider is awkward?” Lightning Dust quipped. “Lets bake some muffins,” I decided for everypony, mainly because I feared what their answer might've been. “Good, cause this was almost as bad as when you called Turner sexy,” Lightning said with a smirk. “Gah! Lightning stop bringing that up… Grrgh!” I held out my hooves and feigned strangling her. Sparkler snorted back a burst of laughter. Derpy, Lightning, and Dinky didn’t try to hold back their giggles. Time was… well, Time was doing his best to pretend like nothing was happening. “Hehe, you’re funny,” Dinky told me. I did my best to crack a smile. “If you thought that was funny,” Lightning Dust said. “Just wait till you hear about the tights.” “Okay, muffin time,” I demanded. Thankfully, the topic of my tights was dropped. The next two hours went by in a blur. A very, very loud blur. Before that afternoon, I had considered muffins to be nothing more than a tasty snack. Now I was thinking I need to reclassify them as a way of life. Derpy, her foal, Sparkler, -and hell, even Lightning Dust - were taking muffin making way too seriously. It seemed like every half-second one of the girls yelled at me and Turner to stir faster, or check the oven. When they weren't doing that, they were bent over in concentration over their own work, not making a sound. Somehow I managed to work up a greater sweat baking muffins than when I raced Lightning and Derpy. At the head of it all sat Dictator Dinky, barking orders at everypony and sampling the muffin batter at her leisure. It really didn’t help when Derpy and Sparkler humor her by following her little decrees. Mercifully the oven dinged, signifying the end of our final batch of muffins. “Thank Celestia,” I muttered, yanking open the door and snatching out the tray. I wasn’t even wearing oven mitts anymore; I’d been around the heat so much that I was used to it. “We’re finally done.” “Aww,” Dinky whined. I couldn’t tell if she was upset about running out of ingredients to bake more muffins, or because now she couldn’t boss everypony around. “Do we have to stop?” “I’m afraid so, Dinks,” Turner told her. “But now we get to eat them all!” “Assuming six ponies can even digest twelve dozen muffins,” I muttered under my breath. “Actually, it’ll be just the five of you,” Sparkler amended for me. “My mom will probably flip out if I don’t get home soon.” Dinky popped over to her foalsitter and gives her a hug. “Do you have to go?” She asked in probably the sappiest voice I’d ever heard. “Unfortunately,” Sparkler replied. She gave Dinky a pat on the head. “I’ll see you in a few days, all right kiddo?” Dinky nodded, but still needed to be pried off the pink unicorn by her mother. “Goodbye Ms. Derpy,” Sparkler said. “Good luck with the… you know… things…” Derpy’s crossed eyes dart around and the faintest hint of pink flare on her cheeks. I found myself narrowing my eyes at the whole ordeal in curiosity. I didn’t have anymore time to catch on however, because Sparkler waves goodbye to the rest of us and walks out the door. “Okay then,” Time Turner spoke up. “We’ve got five ponies and twelve dozen muffins. With some careful math I think we can make it so everypony gets-” He found himself cut off by the sounds of Lightning Dust scarfing down the treats. “Lightning!” he yelled. “Wuht?” She asked, mouth full. “Every muffin for themselves!” Dinky declared, dashing toward the table and grabbing an exposed tray. Derpy giggled. “But… my math…” Turner complained. “Ah don’t be a wuss about it,” I said wrapping a hoof around him. (Not gonna lie, I might’ve blushed when I did that.) “Just go grab some before they’re all gone.” I gave him a light shove forward. I saw a gray mare head for the table as well. “Hey Derpy,” I called out, suddenly remembering something. “Mind if I talk to you for a sec?” She glanced back at the table. “What about the muffins?” “There’s over a hundred there,” I informed her. “They’ll be plenty by the time we’re done.” “Okay,” she reluctantly agreed. I led her out of the kitchen and into the next room. “What do you want to talk about?” “It’s more of a favor I need to ask you for,” I told her. Her eyes widened. “What do you need? Advice? Directions? Bail money?” “No, I…” I paused for a second. “Why did you assume I need bail money?” She shrugged. “I have a friend who gets drunk, does dumb stuff, and winds up in jail quite a bit. So… yeah, I tend to assume bail money whenever somepony asks for a favor.” “Okay then,” I said slowly. “But anyway, the favor isn’t for me, it’s for Lightning. She needs a job.” “She does?” Derpy asked, peaking back into the kitchen at the pegasus who currently had three muffins in her mouth. “Yeah, she’ll be evicted soon if she can’t pay rent. I was thinking you might know a place around Ponyville that would take her.” Derpy thought for a moment, then her eyes suddenly brightened. “Oh yeah, I definitely know a place that’s hiring!” I smiled. “Awesome.” “Hey guys, you better hurry up!” Lightning Dust called from the kitchen. “Dinky’s already claimed the lion’s share!” We walked back in to the kitchen to find Dinky holding six trays of muffins close to her body. Derpy giggled at the sight. I slid on over to the table and grabedb the nearest blueberry muffin. After taking a quick bite I looked at Lightning. She was already halfway through her own tray. “Hey, Derpy’s got a job you might be interested in,” I whispered to her. “Really?” She said excitedly. “That’s – hic – great!” I snickered. “Looks like somepony’s got the hiccups.” “Shut – hic – up,” she promptly said. Dinky and Turner laughed. “I guess you shouldn’t have eaten so fast,” I taunted her. A muffin hit me in the snout, but I joined in with the others and chuckled. A little huffy, Lightning got up to talk to Derpy. As they left, I looked at Dinky’s hoard. I myself have claimed no muffin trays and find the table to be already divided up between everypony else. Scowling slightly I took a bite of the only muffin that I have. “Any chance I could coax you into giving me a one?” I asked Dinky. Teeth deep in her treats, the filly shook her head. “Great.” “You can have one of mine,” Time Turner offers. I glanced at his muffin stash. “No thanks,” I tell him. “I’m not a big fan of banana nut.” “Whatever,” he said, going back to eating. Don’t worry Time Turner, I think to myself. The next time you offer me a nut, I’ll definitely take it! … Sweet Celestia, I’m a pervert. Deciding to move one from that, I began to devise a way to get some of Dinky’s blueberry muffins. My eyes dart around the room as my mind wanders, before a pack of cards lying forlornly on a cabinet catch my attention. Suddenly a smile cracks on my face, as I know how to get those muffins. “Hey, Dinky.” She looked up at me. “Have you ever played poker before?” As Rider took a seat at the table, Lightning followed Derpy into the nearby room so they could talk without being disturbed. Truth be told however, Lightning was just a little nervous about being alone with the bubbly pegasus. Sure, they were friends and all, but Lightning still felt awkward about when they first met and Derpy… kissed her. Even though she had been assured that everything was all right, Dust was still nervous about being alone with her friend. She was going to power through it though. After all, they were best friends, it was bound to happen eventually. “So you think you – hic- found me a job?” Lightning asked Derpy, voice full of hope. The gray mare giggled at the hiccups. “They're not that funny,” Lightning Dust growled. “Oh yes they are,” Derpy argued. “But if you really want them gone, just hold your breath.” Lightning Dust complied for a moment, and it appeared her hiccups vanished. “Anyways, you think you found a job for me?” “Absolutely,” Derpy replied. “That is, if you want it.” “Of course I want it,” Lightning told her. “I’ll take what I can get. Uh… for curiosity’s sake though, what did you have in mind?” The gray pegaus grinned. “Well there’s an opening at the post office. I was thinking that would be perfect for you.” “What’s so perfect about it?” Lightning asked. “Well you have to fly really fast to deliver all the mail, and you like flying fast, so I figured…” “Hey, I like other things besides flying fast,” she protested. Derpy blinked, her out of sync eyeballs looking curiously at Lightning. “Like what?” They stood in silence for a moment, Lightning Dust struggling to think of something. “… Okay fine, the job’s perfect for me.” Derpy grinned wildly. “Are you sure the post office will hire me?” Lightning asked. “Oh don’t worry, you already got the job,” Derpy assured her. “What? But I didn’t even go to an interview or anything. How…?” “The head of the post office just decided to hire you, that’s how,” Derpy said. “But I don’t even… wait a minute,” Lightning realized. “You?” Derpy grinned. “Me.” Suddenly Lightning’s green hooves were wrapping around Derpy in a hug. “Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!” Lightning said enthusiastically. “You have no idea what this means to me!” “Heh, no problem Lightning,” Derpy said, fighting back a blush. Before she could work up the nerve hug Lightning back, the embrace ended. “So when should I come in for work?” Lightning asked. “Well, let’s see,” Derpy said. “Tomorrow’s Sunday, and there’s no post on Sundays. How about Monday?” “It sounds good to me,” Lightning Dust told her. “I can’t believe we’re going to work together.” “Yeah, it’ll be great,” Derpy agreed. Lightning grabbed her hoof. “Come on, let’s go tell everypony the good news.” She pulled Derpy back into the kitchen. “All right guys, I’m all in,” Dinky said as they entered. The filly began adding several muffins into a large pile in the center of the table. Lightning took an intrigued look at the scene unfolding before her. Rider, Turner, and Dinky were each holding their own set of cards, and staring intensely at each other. It seemed like they were playing some sort of game that involved betting. “Well I fold,” Turner suddenly said, putting his cards down. “I’m in,” Rider says, tossing his few muffins into the pile. Lightning glanced over at Derpy, who was watching with an open-mouthed stare. “R-Rider!” she suddenly yelled, drawing three pairs of eyes her way. “Are you teaching my daughter how to gamble?” “Noooooo,” A very shameful looking Rider denied. Derpy drilled him with her crossed eyes. “Okay fine, yes.” “That’s it,” Derpy declared. “Game’s over.” “Aww, but mom,” Dinky protested. “I was just about to win!” “Yeah right,” Rider said. “I’m calling your bluff.” Dinky snickered. “Jokes on you then, Rider. Four kings.” She laid her cards on the table and Rider threw up his hooves in defeat. Lightning watched the whole ordeal with confusion, having never played poker – or any card game – in her entire life. Dinky reeled in her winnings joyfully. “I can’t believe this,” Rider mumbled. “That filly’s a wizard or something.” “I think you just got hustled, Rider,” Turner said. “Hey!” Derpy barked, drawing everypony’s attention again. “No more gambling, I’m serious.” “Okay mom.” Dinky frowned. “Come on Derpy, don’t punish Dinky for this. It was my idea,” Rider interjected. “I know,” Derpy said. “I was talking to you.” “Oh.” Derpy squinted at him really hard, and Lightning felt like she was about to crack up. Rider was acting like a foal being scolded by his parents. “Anyways, we actually did have something to tell you guys,” Lightning said, smiling. “Derpy just hired me to be a mailmare!” “Hey congratulations!” Turner said. “Yeah that’s… great,” Rider said with the slightest hint of hesitation. “You’re going to be working with my mom?” Dinky asked Lightning. She nodded. “Cool!” “I’d love to give you a huge celebration and all Lightning, but I think it’s time I head out,” Time Turner suggested. “But you just got here Uncle Turner,” Dinky complained. “Please don’t go just yet.” “Sorry Dinks, but I’ve been away from the workshop for too long as it is. I promise it won’t take me three weeks to come and visit again.” He ruffled the filly’s golden hair then got up to leave. “Okay,” she said, still a tad mopey. “You should visit again too, Rider. It would be fun to beat you at poker again.” “No poker,” Derpy affirmed. “Fine, fine,” Rider said. “I’ll teach her how to play bridge instead.” “Rider!” “I’m going,” he muttered. “See ya later Dinky.” The little filly waved. “Bye Derpy. Bye Dust.” “Later,” Lightning said. And just like that, she was alone with Derpy again. Well, Derpy and Dinky. Feeling the fear of awkwardness looming, Lightning said. “I should probably head out too.” “Oh,” Derpy said, looking a little dejected. “Are you sure?” “Yeah, pretty sure,” Lightning said, knowing no place she could go right now would be better than Derpy’s home. Unless of course it was the Wonderbolts Academy, but the odds of that happening were… Lightning pushed the painful thought away. “Well, goodbye.” “Oh wait, before you go,” Derpy said. She ran over to the table and scooped up one of the remaining trays of muffins. “Here, these are for you.” “Whoa, really?” Lightning asked. “For me?” “No, for the wall. Yes for you, silly,” Derpy said. “Go on we still have like, eighty or so. These won’t be missed.” “Thanks Derpy,” Lightning said happily accepting the tray. “You really are something else.” Was it just her, or were Derpy’s cheeks looking a little red? “Well… goodbye,” Derpy said. “Bye,” Lightning replied, stretching out her wings and flying towards the door. “Goodbye Lightning Dust!” Dinky called out. “See ya around, kiddo!” she said back. Leaving through the front door, Lightning looked down at her tray of muffins. They were chocolate chip flavored. Somehow, Derpy had given Lightning her favorite kind of muffin, be it coincidence or intuition. Lightning Dust smiled, knowing that Derpy was completely unaware of just how much she had just done for her.