"... Sonnova bitch." Those two little words were the first things out of my mouth when I awoke, on the floor. On the wooden floor, goddammit.
As I looked around I noticed that things were not as they should be. Firstly, I was laying on wood, secondly, I was in a tree house, thirdly, there was a purple unicorn standing over me. A rather shocked purple unicorn, I might add.
Well, now I'm either tripping some serious balls, or magic is afoot. I'm gonna go with the latter considering I've never touched any form of drugs in my young life. See, this is why I don't go outside. I was just minding my business, walking down to the horse races to meet some friends and have a good time, and boom, sudden Equestria. Fucking ponies.
"Back off Sparkles." I growled. I didn't mean to, it's just that I don't talk much and when you already have a deep voice, not talking much adds this whole other level to it, I'm still not as bad as Old Snake, but I was probably... hmm.. MGS3 Snake? Yeah, sounds about right.
Anyway, if the startled gasp and sudden shuffling was anything to go by, her lady Sparkle had heard me. Standing up from the ground, using the nearby bookshelf as a handhold, I rose to my full height of six feet. No, I'm not converting to metric, fuck you. Turning my head perpendicular to my shoulders I cracked my neck as I usually do after waking, before stretching my legs and back.
Oh right, ponies ears are more sensitive than human ones, that would explain the kinda disgusted and pained look on Twilight's face as I popped everything I physically could, once I was done I looked down at her, raising an eyebrow and waiting for an explanation as to why I was here. Twenty bucks says it was her stupidity.
"H-hello there, Mr. uh.. creature. My name is Twili-" I cut her off, was it rude? Yes. Did I care? No.
"Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship, yes yes I know. Now, before you ask anything stupid, why the hell am I here?" I was a tad bit agitated, waking up on a hard floor'll do that to ya. Also, the little face of shock I got from knowing her name and title was amusing.
"Oh, well, you must have been pulled here by my summoning spell, you see I was experimenting on-" I held up a hand again and interrupted, what can I say, I'm an asshole.
"Alright, don't care. Tell me right now, am I getting back home or do I have to get used to dealing with you fuckers?" She wasn't too pleased with my choice of words, but I didn't care.You see, right now the shock of the situation and lots of fanfiction reading basically let me just accept this whole thing and basically be my normal self. Maybe a bit more dickish, but eh.
Now, the good thing of all this was I read lots of stories, watched a bit of the show, and had a pretty good grasp of the characters. Which means a few things, first, no getting caught up in pony bullshit. Second, it makes me valuable as I can offer help in determining a proper course of action that may not be seen by the ponies when they go pants on head retarded. I'm sure there's a third in there, but maybe not.
"Well, uhm, I'm not quite sure. The spell was only meant to pull an object of some kind from a separate reality, and so it didn't really have instructions on how to send such an object back to its place of origin." She explained, I could see she was nervous of my reaction. Both due to how terribly easy these ponies are to read, and because she was bloody sweating.
"... Neat... Alright, I'm gonna go fuck someone over, if you can't spot me in a crowd you're bloody blind." I turned away waving a hand back at her, adjusting my jacket as I walked over to the doors, before Ms. Experiments called back to me.
"W-wait, you can't just leave. I don't even know your name, and since you are from another reality, I've got a lot of questions." She said, frantically waving about a notebook in her lavender magic field. Why do all the damn fanfic authors have to be right. I'm looking at you, Mr. Whatmustido.
"Names are... irrelevant, call me Zealot. And as for your questions, you've pulled me into your world against my will and without my consent, tell me one good reason I should do anything you ask at all?" Was my eloquent and very reasonable response to her very unreasonable request.
"W-wait, how can a name be irrelevant, how else are you supposed to know who you're talking to?" She asked, a look of cunfuzzlement on her face. Alright, I would answer this one.
"A name means nothing on a battlefield, after a week, no one has a name." I replied mysteriously, in one of what I'm sure will be many references to MGS3. What, it was awesome, you can't deny.
Leaving her to wonder over how what I had said makes any kind of sense, I pushed open the library door. Walking outside of the tree house I was met with the bright glowing rays of the sun, combined with the technicolor aesthetic of the town.
"Fucking hell!" I half shouted, raising a hand to cover my eyes. You see, I don't go out much. It's both because I'm lazy and because, being descended from many pale skinned peoples, sunburn was a very real possibility no matter what. Why do you think I don't like going to the beach? I don't tan, I burn.
Moving my fingers gradually out of the way of my eyes, letting them adjust to the bright light of the sun, I finally dropped my hand to my side, getting a better look at the area around me. No, I'm not going to regale you with any descriptions of cartoon art beauty and how it's a dream come true.
As I stood there in front of Twilight's workplace/home I simply crossed my arms, adopted a annoyed stance, and said with as much pure sarcasm as I could, "Oh, this place is going to be just charming to live in, in'it?" Should I stop trying to be British with the way I speak? Yes. Will I? Fuck no. Sorry mate, but I can't embrace the brutal combat part of my Scottish heritage, might as well get the accent.
With an uncrossing of my arms and a shake of my head I decided to walk about town, maybe find one of the six, or five as the case would be, and point out them being retarded. What? I've already explained, I'm a dick. Ask anyone I know, except for that one guy... that one guy isn't a good judge of character, at all.
So, I was walking down the street when out of the corner of my eye I saw a stallion creeping out of sight, it was then I noticed that most every pony was gravitating away from me. I didn't mind much, to be honest. I was a completely foreign entity to their basically closed country hamlet, and change is not always an easy thing. Didn't mean I appreciated the murmurs of 'monster' or 'demon' that I heard when I walked past.
Sadly, as has been stated, I am not the most athletic of people and as such would not like to test my luck punching a horse. Didn't mean I wouldn't kick one of the fuckers when I got some boots. Good foot protection Converse sneakers do not make. So anyway, I just kept walking, no real direction or anything, before senses honed from years of gaming alerted me to something hurtling towards me at high speed.
So, you know how in all these stories RD is real hard to not get tackled by? Yeah, I don't get it. I just stepped two feet to the left and she crashed right into the ground, rent a trench through the earth from the impact force. Gotta say it looked pretty cool. So anyway, standing over a crashed and burned RD I just nonchalantly dusted off my jacket, before saying in the most smart ass voice I could, "You really need to work on your aim, Skittles." Before I walked down the street again.
I may or may not have taken a bag of what felt to be bits off her person, pony, same thing. What? Playing Fallout and Elder Scrolls is guaranteed to make you a kleptomaniac, especially to an enemy whom I had 'defeated', at least I didn't try cutting off her limbs for something, like in Minecraft.
So yeah, there I was, walking down the street an unfamiliar weight of golden coins in my jacket pocket, whistling a Green Day tune. So, I was doing that. And then I was suddenly floating through the air back to where RD was laying in this hole in the ground. Ah, Twilight, do you have to be such a bitch?
"What did you do!?" She shrieked at me, fucking shrieked, staring down at RD, I guess she was passed out or something, anyway, that seemed to make Twilight pretty nervous and worried.
"I didn't do fuck all, she's the one who decided to bite the dust." I responded, crossing my arms and tapping my foot against the ground. I didn't have fuck all to do, that doesn't mean I wanted to be interrogated.
"What do you mean!? You must have done something, Rainbow Dash is one of the best fliers in all of Equestria!" Jesus, Twilight really did like questioning my answers didn't she? Not my fault RD never learned how to do a divebomb.
"Look darlin', your little friend here decided it would be a good idea to try and take me down, tried divebombin' me from a few hundred meters up. Now, I don't know about you, but my bones can get broken from shit like that, so I stepped out of the way. And here we are, with your idiotic pal lyin' in the dirt, probably got a concussion if nothing else. We done here?" I explained, as I was doing so I could see Twilight's expression change until it eventually settled into strained resignation, yeah, she knows RD does this shit.
"Yes, we are. I'm sorry Mr. Zealot, I just.. well.. you're kinda an unknown here and I just wanted to make sure you didn't hurt my friend." I snorted at her response but nodded and gave her a pat on the head. What? I wouldn't condemn them for trying to protect each other.
"Also, it's just 'Zealot', I ain't old enough to be a 'Mr.', got it?" She simply nodded her head in understanding, taking up Dash in her magical field, presumably to a hospital. Hopefully nobody would notice her lack of money, or lack of a coin purse entirely.
I kept on walking, I was good at it after all. hands in my pockets, epxression unreadable and some Black Sabbath playing in my ear, my long legs made for long strides as I walked to the outskirts of town, I'd find one of three things; Fluttershy, AJ, or the Forest of Doom. Yipee ki yay.
I might not even make it that far, I'm sure Twilight has already sent message after message to dear ol' Sunbutt asking for her to check out what or who the fuck I am. But for now, well, for now I'd switch to some Green Day and practice my singing. Welcome to Paradise...