//------------------------------//
// Silk Road, part 1: the beginning 
// Story: The life and times of Xante, Baron of the Frozen Wastelands, First among Liches, Lord of the Dead, and Fabulous Rainbow Magic User. 
// by Ssendam the Masked 
//------------------------------//

While Greg and Xyleon went off, I decided to just sit back and relax. So I just leant back, and looked up at the sky. Nice to get away from the troubles of the world, even for a little while. The clear blue sky brought a curious sensation of inner peace, as if I was destined to just sit out here and just bask in the majesty of nature. My minions wouldn't be back for a while, so it was time for my fun. What can I say, I'm a very relaxed kind of guy. Why am I always relaxed? Well, that's mainly because I'm a planeswalker. Planeswalkers have literally seen, if not everything, then enough of everything that they have some pretty solid ground to fall back on when the unexpected happens to them. And I've seen a lot of weird shit in the multiverse. 

Planswalkers are exceptionally powerful magic users, so good that the entirety of reality is their plaything. Normally, I could just walk to any other dimension and be done with it, but because the Merchant was eluding me and keeping me from telling any other higher up beings of his rather illegal doings, I was confined to only this specific subsection of the multiverse. This annoyed me greatly. Imagine if, right when you're given a plane ticket that would allow you to go anywhere, a zombie virus ensured that you would only ever be able to go to other parts of the country you were already in. That's exactly how annoying it was. Still, plenty of variety. 

And thanks to my little Subspace Pocket, I would never run out of interesting toys to play with. Twilight Sparkle, for all that she was nice, should never be informed of my Pockets' existence. It was a part of me, a piece of my own soul that I hollowed out to allow for incredible storage capacity. It all depended on how much magical power you had. Most Planeswalkers had space for a large army. I could comfortably hold over ten thousand people, provided they all slept on bunkbeds. Most of my Pocket was filled with interesting trinkets I'd acquired around the multiverse- things like phones, rare and interesting plants, schematics, weapons... my inventory kept on. Most of it was sentimental junk, such as my Groucho Marx mustache and glasses combo. I once wore that disguise to one of my mortal enemies' birthday parties. He didn't even recognise me. I was honestly insulted by that- the man who had declared that he would 'cleanse the world of me and my vile influence' honestly didn't believe me, even though I hadn't changed anything else about my appearance. Later that night I shanked him in the arse with an icicle, and then made all the evidence point to it being a fetish of his that went ludicrously wrong. What can I say, sometimes business is business, sometimes it's not. Yet more proof in my mind that heroes are stupid. 

Knowing that I would likely get chewed out if I pulled out too much technology, so I pulled out my iPhone. While I checked it, I noticed that I'd gotten voice mail. I scowled. "Damn telemarketers. Siri, delete all voicemail." Even in another universe, they still try to get me, with their annoying 'on hold' music and their annoying insistence that I buy whatever their product or service is. One time, I got a bunch of creepy dark cultists at my door, who wanted me to help them destroy the world and kill everybody. Let's just say I sent them to a place where death would be a kindness...

Meanwhile, in an alternate universe...
The cultists had long since realised that they had made a mistake when they couldn't return to their own universe. Their numbers had dwindled as the sheer cosmic horror of the place they were in started to drive through into minds so insane that normal eldritch horrors were a picnic. 
One of the younger cultists, a young goblin in a robe far too big for him peered around a corner and his eyes bugged out. "Oh god, it's coming back sir. What do we do?" 
The head cultist looked at his panicking subordinates with a haunted look in his eyes. These eyes had looked into the black heart of the Abyss, had watched him committing all kinds of atrocities against nature and existence, and yet nothing trumped the wrongness of this place. His ceremonial headpiece, made of the skulls of his enemies, jangled in the eerie wind. He came to a decision, one that would finally enable them to be released from this torment. It might be seen as the cowards' way out, but at this point he was willing to be remembered as a coward. Anything to escape.
"Alright son, this is important. When it comes here, we take our knives out and disembowel ourselves like men." 
The giant purple lizard thing looked at them with a smile. "There you are!" 
And with that, it sang the song to destroy the minds of great men. The younger cultists looked at their glorious leader's eyes, tears freely streaming from them. "What do we do, High Priest?" 
The High Priest pulled his knife out and examined its edge. It glimmered keenly. "Do it for universal destruction son. Do it for universal destruction." 

Back at Xante's current placement.

I chuckled at that memory. Barney dimension was always a good wheeze. Sometimes I dropped heroes there for shits and giggles. Their screams of torture and horror always made for good listening. I paused. Distinctly unheroic thoughts there. I was a good guy, not a hero. A hero can be the most annoying, whiny, arrogant, self-entitled asshole you'll ever meet, while a villain can be polite, humble, respectful, all-around nicest person you'd ever meet. It all depended on the individual, but as a whole heroes were annoyingly self-righteous. 

I did respect Auric though, guy was wicked powerful. And smart. He was the exception that proved the rule that all heroes are fucking morons. No other hero really had his kind of smarts, and no other true hero had his streak of ruthlessness. He didn't let any legal bullshit get in the way of what he knew was right, and I respected that. I felt a brief pang of guilt over not seeing him more often, but he would call on me if the situation was bad enough. Right now, I had my own problems, which were that I had nothing suitable to go out in public with. 

Whatever it was, probably not important. I shrugged and promptly forgot about it. I spent the next five minutes playing Fruit Ninja, idly listening to the general commotion coming from Ponyville. It was probably related to me, but maybe it wasn't. For all I know, it could be an eagle attack or something. Do eagles attack? I'm fairly certain that they do; eagles have a notorious track record for killing philosophers. It's something about their heads; philosopher fatalities are caused, more often then not, by eagles dropping tortoises on their heads. 

I paused at that. It seems that I was briefly Contemplating my Navel. Huh. I contemplated it a bit more before standing up and waiting. 

Xyleon and Greg.

Xyleon and Greg looked at each other before nodding. As one, they knocked on the door to the Golden Oaks library. Twilight Sparkle opened the door, took one look at their faces and sighed. "Right. What's Xante doing, and how dangerous is it?" She knuckled her forehead as she said this, and Greg and Xyleon shared another Look with each other. Greg was the first to speak, in an attempt to explain the situation.

"In our defence, we did try to persuade him-" 

Twilight cut him off there. "What. Did. He. Do?" Her tone was pleasant enough, only her twitching eye giving any hint as to her real emotional state at this point. Greg just stared at her, before rubbing his eye with a chitinous, holey hand. It didn't really help with the sheer awkwardness situation, but it did give him enough courage to say what he needed to say.

"Right." He took a breath, let it out and took another one, bouncing on his hooves. "Alright. He's going into the Everfree Forest to punch giant spiders in the face for their silk." Greg grinned awkwardly at Twilight while one of his legs, unsure as to what exactly it was doing, started scooting around the floor like a rabid mouse. 

Twilight Sparkle blinked at that, her brain trying and failing to process the information that had been relayed to her. "I'm sorry, but would you mind repeating that? It's just that you said something so patently stupid that I'm having trouble telling if you're joking or not." 

Xyleon shook his head. "It's the truth; he wants new clothes, he wants them made out of spidersilk, and the only large source of spidersilk that comes to his mind is giant spiders. Still, I get the feeling that he's acting like an idiot deliberately. For all we know, he's probably found them already." Though it was equally likely that he was just climbing trees and had likely already forgotten why he was originally there. 

Twilight nodded. "Sorry that I can't come, but I'm, well, kind of busy." She gave them a weak smile, but her eyes told another story. They told of Xante's bizarre habits, such as rigging up traps all over his room (she wasn't even sure where he'd gotten high-power explosives, but the fireworks shop was notorious for an over the counter approach.) Other habits of his being to always switch drinks while her back was turned (often while saying something like 'what in the world is that over there?'), drinking large amounts of poisonous chemicals (his excuse being 'I need to keep my Poison Resistance up',) his Naked Yoga Time... it was all too much for one mare to deal with. Right now, she just needed some Twilight Time alone, with a nice, thick book and NO Xante. 

Greg and Xyleon caught all that information from a glance and nodded. Despite their wishes for there to be extra firepower on their side, dealing with Xante for any length of time tended to cause people's nerves to grate horribly. As one changeling, they sprinted for the door, intent on finding Xante. Who knows what he'd managed to get up to while they were gone? 

Xante the Fabulous Rainbow Magician.

I heard pounding hoofbeats coming up close. I ignored them in favour of staring at the huge spider that was sitting on the rock opposite me. It couldn't leave, due to the icy walls I had erected around it. I locked eyes with it, my piercing rainbow coloured orbs staring intently into its large red ones. 
"Reveal your secrets, spider."

"Sir, we told Twilight that... uh..." Greg looked at me, then to my captive, then back to me. "Sir, that's a spider." 

I nodded. "I see that you are just as well-versed in identifying arachnids as you are in farmwork, Greg. Five stars for accuracy."

Greg nodded, still looking at me as if he couldn't get why I was doing this. His loss, not my fault he was Genre Blind. "Yes, but... why have you captured a spider?" 

I looked at him. Honestly, this was why I was the leader, not him. "I'm interrogating this spider to get information."

Greg facepalmed. "Sir. Sir, look at yourself. You are interrogating a spider for gods' sake."

I nodded. "Ah, but that's the point."

Greg just stared at me as if he couldn't get why I was doing this. "Alright." He sat down on a tree stump, pointing at the spider with an accusatory finger. "Alright. Enlighten me as to how you expect a spider to tell you where giant spiders are." 

I nodded, leaning back on my large rock. "Exceedingly simple, my sceptical minion. First of all, you will likely never have read the Harry Potter novels. Quite a good light read actually, Prime bathroom material. Anyways, spiders know each other. Stands to reason."

Greg just shook his head, getting up and walking away. "Nope. No way is that your only justification." 

I smiled. "Alright, here's my second justification: this is obviously a Lost Woods kind of place, right? And As You Know, animals in a Lost Woods kind of place are often capable of understanding people speak. Just one of those things."

I looked at the spider. "Now tell me where your big friends are. Do you know? One click of your mandibles for yes, two for no."

Greg just stared in disbelief as the spider clicked its mandibles together once. "What... but..." he shook his head. "That was just a coincidence." 

I smirked. "Was that a coincidence? One click for no, two for yes, three if you think Greg is being a butt."

Three clicks. Greg turned an interesting shade of purple and kicked a nearby tree. Xyleon put a hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry; I don't believe him either." 

I ignored my minions, focusing on the spider. "Could you give me some vague directions? If not, then point me to a guide or similar."

The spider seemed to consider the matter for a moment, then pointed off to the north. I bowed to the spider and released it from its icy prison. "Thank you, noble spider." It scuttled off to who knows where. I watched it go with a smile on my face. 

Greg finally came over. "What was that about?" 

I smirked. "Oh, you know. I'm setting up a possible Chekov's Gun, to be used later if we really need it."

Greg looked confused. "Chekov's gun? What on Earth does that even mean?" 

I smiled. "I'll explain later, my loyal minion. Now, let us move."

With that, we trooped off into the dense forest, and it swallowed us, cutting us off from the outside world.