//------------------------------// // [FIXED] Episode 53: THE HOODED OFFENDER VS ALL OF APPLELOOSA AND THE BUFFALO TRIBE // Story: The Life of a Wanted Changeling (Comment Driven Story) // by Down with Chrysalis //------------------------------// You're about to make your entrance when the water tower collapses (you might have used a little too much WD-40 on the bolts when patching it), flooding the town in the middle of the battle and soaking both sides (you get swept up too, of course). Taking advantage of the situation, you quickly shake off the water and use the RCV to make a boastful villain entrance. You sigh to yourself. "Well...time to be the villain." You then jump from the water tower, your billowing cloak serving as a parachute. The ponies and buffalo gasp. Meanwhile, use your brain. See if you can find a way to distract both sides from their stupid and senseless quarrel without getting killed, wounded, captured, or otherwise incapacitated. You can't help but given an annoyed sigh at this predicament, Of course. PINKIE starts a stinkin war... Well... time to be the villain. Before you do anything else you decide to use your brain for once, I need to think of some way to distract both sides from their stupid and senseless quarrel without getting killed, wounded, captured, castrated, maimed, or otherwise incapacitated. While you're thinking, you swear you heard a faint creaking noise, but you decide to just ignore it. I got it! I'll just jump in between the two groups. Just as you're about to jump off the water tower, you hear the creaking sound again. You look around in confusion and wonder where the sound came from when the water tower starts to shake. You gulp in fear as you realize where the creaking sound is coming from. Thinking quickly, you grab The Inventory and jump to the roof of a building just behind the water tower. Just in time too, because as soon as you jumped, the water tower falls down! Luckily, noling was squashed under it. Unluckily (for the buffalo and the Appleloosans) the tidal wave it unleashes catches both armies and they are all now soaking wet and knocked down by the wave. You chuckle nervously and think, Maybe I used a little too much WD-40 on the bolts when I patched them last week. But hey! They're not charging at each other any more... You decide to take advantage of their disoriented states and you quickly put The Inventory behind the chimney of the building before you teleport above the middle of the battlefield and... There is only one way this kind of epic showdown can begin: RCV powered maniacal laughter. Begin to laugh like a maniac with the RCV, "MWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAMWAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAA!" Both ponies and buffalo look up at you in both fear and shock (except for those 6 mares, who just glare at you (besides Fluttershy of course)) as you continue to laugh while gliding down and landing softly on the ground thanks to your coat acting like a parachute. You look between both sides and smile evilly beneath your hood before saying in your "evil voice", "Well mongrels, enjoy the bath? mwahahahahahaha. Hope the water wasn't too... tepid! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!" Both ponies and buffalo begin to glare at you as they get back up and realize that you are the one who unleashed that tidal wave on them (accidentally, but they don't know that). You clear your throat and say loud enough for both sides to hear you in your evil voice... You've learned your lesson from the ursa incident, so your first order of business after getting their attention is to turn it away from the Inventory and Nightshade. You teleport to the ground, in the middle of the two armies, to deliver an epic speech. "Mares and gentlecolts-" Your speech is cut off by the sound of a thump from the pony side of the battlefield. You turn to look and see Rainbow Dash on the ground with Fluttershy pinning her tail down with both front hooves. Well that was nice of her. "Mares and gentlecolts and whatever passes for that among you buffalo folk, I thank you for your interest in this miserable patch of rock, but I'm afraid all this effort is quite meaningless. You see, all of this now belongs to me." Horrified, or perhaps confused, silence hangs in the air. A faint voice from the back of the buffalo herd calls out, "Nuh uh!" "Yuh huh!" You retort with all your wit. "Unlike all you ignorant savages, I actually have what you need to stake a claim. A flag!" With that, you pull your homemade flag from under your cloak and drive it into the ground, letting it unfurl to reveal the insignia of...nothing. The flag is pure black. You skipped sewing class in changeling school to play the new Super Mare-io Sisters, which was really hard to get because Chrysalis forbade anything featuring Celestia or Luna. "Do you have a flag?" The ponies and buffalo shrug at each other. "Well then, no flag no town; you can't have one. 'cause those are the rules,.. that I just made up." "Mares and gentlecolts-*wump*" Your epic speech is cut off before it even begins by the sound of something heavy hitting the ground on the ponies' side. You look over to see Rainbow planted face-first in the ground with Fluttershy pinning her tail down with both front hooves. You give a quick smile in appreciation towards Fluttershy (under your faceless hood of course) before you clear your throat and continue in your evil voice... "Mares and gentlecolts... and whatever passes for that among you buffalo folk, I thank you for your interest in this miserable patch of rock, but I'm afraid all this effort is quite meaningless." The buffalo and the Appleloosans are now glaring at you in pure hatred, probably because you called their home a "miserable patch of rock". You just ignore them and continue your speech in your evil voice, "You see, all of this now belongs... to ME!!!" You you stomp your hoof into the ground as you scream the last part in the RCV, kicking up a tiny cloud of dust and sand away from you. Horrified (or most likely confused) silence hangs in the air. That silence is broken when a faint voice from the back of the buffalo herd calls out, "Nuh uh! This land belongs to the Buffalo!" Suddenly all the buffalo begin to scream things like "Yeah" or "It's ours!" This, of course, cause the Appleloosans to start screaming back "No, it ain't yours, it's ours!" or "It's our's!" As they argue, your anger builds. You charge up your RCV and scream... "SILENCE!" The arguing stops at the sound of your angry RCV. You clear your throat and retort with all your wit, "Yuh huh!" You then say in your evil voice, "Unlike all of you ignorant savages, I actually have what you need to stake a claim. A flag!" With that you take out your homemade flag from under your cloak and drive it into the ground, letting it unfurl to reveal the insignia of... nothing. The flag is pure black. You're normally pretty good at sewing, but you had to make this on short notice because you literally just thought about using this flag this morning. If you had time to put a symbol on it, it would look like this. You don't know why, but you really like the look of it. You look between the two groups and say in your evil voice... "Do any of you have a flag?" The buffalo all either shake their heads no or shrug their shoulders, but Sheriff Silverstar says, "As a matter of fact, pilgrim, we DO have a flag. It's right over yonder!" Everyling looks to where he's pointing to see the Appleloosan flag... But the flagpole was knocked down by the tidal wave. You smirk and say, "Well... my flag is still standing. And its way better. And cause those are the rules... that I just made up. The town is mine. So, ha!" You are about to continue your speech, the chief-looking buffalo barks... "Who are you?!" The chief barks. You smirk and snicker beneath your cloak. "Ehehehe...well you see, my little ponies...and buffalo, the drums of war shall not beat tonight." you say menacingly. For some strange reason you hear a four beat tapping from inside your head, driving you mad. You ignore it and keep taunting the western creatures. "For there is only one savage...one creature that is not pony not buffalo...one being that does not even bleed..." you say. The ponies and buffalo look at eachother in confusion and you can see fear creeping into their eyes, which only encourages you. "THAT BEING IS ME!" you scream, your cloak billowing behind you like the great wings of a colossal war bird. The ponies and buffalo gasp in horror. One mare from the back pipes up. "Don't tell me you're" you interupt her with a swift movement of your cloak, getting up in her face and flaunting so you look bigger than usual, causing her to shrink back in shock. "THAT'S RIGHT, PATHETIC CREATURE. IT IS I, THE HOODED OFFENDER! MWAHAHAHAHA!" you shout. You strike a menacing pose, enjoying every second of non painful spotlight. "NOW! ONE OF YOU TINY, INSIGNIFICANT MAGGOTS CAN GATHER ALL THE COURAGE IN YOUR PATHETIC, WEAK HEART TO FIGHT ME?!?!" you shout. You're answered with silence. Well that was anticlimactic. Then you hear a voice pipe up from the very back. "ME!" the voice shouts. Your ears droop underneath your cloak. You know that voice. It was Rainbow Dash. Really, Lady Luck? "Who are you?!" You smirk and begin to snicker beneath your coat. You look over to the chief-looking buffalo and you begin to walk towards him with a menacing stride while saying in your evil voice, "Ehehehe... well you see, my little ponies... and buffalo, the drums of war shall not beat tonight." For some strange reason you hear a four beat tapping from inside your head, driving you mad. You ignore it and keep walking menacingly towards the chief-looking buffalo. "For there is only one true savage... one creature that is not pony nor buffalo... one being that does not even bleed..." The buffalo behind the chief-looking one begin to look at each other nervously and you even begin to see fear beginning to build on the chief-looking buffalo's face, which only encourages you more. "And that being... IS ME! MWAHAHAHAHAHAH" You scream in the RCV, and lighting flashes behind you when you laugh (even though it's a clear sky at noon). Your coat begins billowing behind you like the great wings of a colossal war bird. You hear the ponies behind you gasp in horror as the buffalo look at you in terror. You hear one of the ponies start to say in a terrified voice, "Don.. don't tell me. Y.. your-" You interrupt her by teleporting right in front of her with a wave of your coat to make you look bigger than usual, causing her to shrink back in shock. You then scream in the RCV... "THAT'S RIGHT, PATHETIC CREATURE. IT IS I, THE HOODED OFFENDER! MWAHAHAHAHA!" Your announcement causes gasps of horror around you, but you hear one pony snicker and say, "Heh, his name is 'The Obsidian Storm' idiots. Even my dumb mother-in-law in Cloudsdale knows tha-" You teleport right in front of the stallion's face and you say in a low menacing tone, "It's 'The Hooded Offender', got it memorized?" The stallion nods his head fearfully and says "Yes" repeatedly. "GOOD!!!"You yell in the RCV before you teleport back to your flag and say in your RCV... "NOW! CAN ANY OF YOU TINY, INSIGNIFICANT MAGGOTS GATHER ENOUGH COURAGE IN YOUR PATHETIC, WEAK HEARTS TO FIGHT ME?!?!" You're answered with silence. Well, that was anticlimactic... You think awkwardly. Then you hear a voice pipe up from the very back, "ME!" the voice shouts. Your ears droop underneath your cloak. You know that voice. It was Rainbow Dash. Darn it lady luck... Rainbow Dash breaks free from Fluttershy. "Your flag sucks, and you suck, and I bet your plan will suck too! Seriously, what has ever gone right for you?" You remind yourself to take it easy, because you don't want to lose your temper this time. "Oh you silly filly, none of that will mean a thing when I get my clutches on the treasure!" Rainbow gasps. "You monster! That treasure doesn't belong to...wait, there's a treasure?" You look over to where Rainbow is and see that she has broken free of Fluttershy's hooves and that she is heading your way. She stops in front of your flag and says, "Your flag sucks, and you suck, and I bet your plan will suck too! Seriously, when has anything ever gone right for you?" And with that she kicks your flag down. You remind yourself to take it easy, because you don't want to lose your temper this time. You then say to her in your evil voice, "Oh you silly filly, none of that will mean a thing when I get my clutches on the treasure!" Everyling gasps at what you said and Rainbow says, "You monster! That treasure doesn't belong to... Hold on a sec. There's a treasure?" Emulating the bad guys from movies you've watched, you turn around with a scoff and whisper, "Wouldn't you like to know, fillyfooler." Suddenly this begins to play in the background and you just realize what you just said. You look over behind you to see a really mad Rainbow Dash... You know that "water+electrcity=BAD" (learned that the hard way...), maybe magic works the same way so try to use Stun Spell on puddles to (hopefully) knock out groups in those puddles With an enraged yell, the pegasus charges at you in pure rage... *crash* ...and she completely misses you as you take a small step to the side and she crashes into a carriage. "Rainbow!" the mares and some of the buffalo yell as Applejack and Fluttershy run to the broken carriage to help her. You notice that a few ponies and buffalo are standing in a puddle still fresh from the earlier wave and you get an idea. Hmmm... electricity plus water equals BAD (learned that the hard way...), maybe magic works the same way... You charge up a Stun Spell and launch it at the puddle, knocking out the buffalo and ponies standing in it to the horror of the surrounding crowd. You then turn to the crowd and proclaim in the RCV, "DOES ANYPONY ELSE DARE CHALLENGE MY UNDISPUTED MASTERY OF THIS WORTHLESS PILE OF SAND? I MEAN IT'S NOT LIKE YOU SAVAGES WOULD EVER WORK TOGETHER FOR ANY REASON. NOT EVEN TO, I DON'T KNOW; FIGHT A COMMON ENEMY!" "I dare!" Everyling turns to see the buffalo mare stepping forward. "This is our lands, and no faceless thief is going to steal it!" "Yeah!" Braeburn proclaims in response and steps forward as well, "Appleloosa is ALL of our homes and we ain't gonna just sit by and let some faceless varmint take it!" "I concur" the chief-looking buffalo says stepping forward "The young ones speak with wisdom and bravery beyond their years and we will NOT abandon them to face your wickedness alone." Sheriff Silverstar also steps forward too, "Faceless, if you’re looking for trouble, I’ll accommodate ya." Soon more and more ponies and buffalo step forward in defiance of you until EVERYLING in the town is glaring you down. You respond in the RCV, "FINE! I'LL EAT YOUR LIVERS WITH SOME JELLY BEANS AND A NICE CHIANTI!!!" As the surrounding crowd floods in at you, can't help but think to yourself, Yes! Everyling is teaming up against me! ... Oh buck, EVERYLING IS TEAMING UP AGAINST ME!!! Use Shoryuken to launch ponies (they're lighter than buffalo) You quickly teleport away right before they all crash into each other. "Is that the best your combined might can do?!" you taunt at the downed crowd. Carrot Top pounces on you from the 2nd-story window of a nearby building... "SHORYUKEN!" But you catch her in mid air with an uppercut that sends flying into a watering trough. A squad of buffalo comes charging at you, but one light-brownish one is far ahead of the others... Use Falcon Punch to knock buffalo into groups like a bowling ball (you've seen first-hoof how durable buffalo are so they can take a Falcon Punch) I hope the big guy can take this... you think hesitantly before you call out, "FALCON PUNCH!" Your attack connects with the face of the fast buffalo in front sending him flying into the squad behind him and knocking them over like they were bowling pins. You confidentially think, Luna, this is WAY too eas- "HEY! WHOA! YIPES!" Use forcefield since most of the combatants are buffalo and earth ponies and thus will be aiming for close-quarters combat deflect a pie towards Chief Thunderhooves so he can experience the deliciousness of Appleloosan friendship keep an alert watch out for Rarity (unicorn magic can hit from a distance), Twilight (powerful distance spellcaster), Pinkie Pie (unpredictable reality bender with a party cannon) After barely bobbing and weaving a few spells and pies, you quickly cast Forcefieldas you see Twilight and Rarity casting spells and some Appleoosans hurling pies. Fortunately, you've practiced the spell with Trixie (Grrrrr)so it holds up pretty well and even deflects a couple of spells and pies. Even better (for you), the ponies and buffalo aren't completely working together. The buffalo keep trying to flank you, but the incoming pies bounce off your forcefield and keep hitting them. Suddenly, you hear a voice behind you scream, "SNEAK ATTACK!" In shock you drop the forcefield and turn to see Pinkie firing the Party Cannon. You barely manage to avoid the blast by diving behind a carriage... right into the sights of Sheriff Silverstar with a fresh apple pie in hoof. He hurls the pie at you, but you throw up forcefield at the right time to make the pie bounce off it... and splat the chief-looking buffalo in the face. Everyling gasps in horror as the chief goes down and some buffalo and even a couple of ponies (including Sheriff Silverstar) run to his side. NOOOOO!!! I never wanted this! Stupid Bug! Stupid! You think in regret and anger at yourself. After a few tense motionless moments, the chief suddenly gets back up and licks the pie off of his face with a smile. You sigh in relief, but before you can do anything else, you hear two voices yell, "HEY UGLY!" and you turn to see... Rainbow Dash picks up Little Strongheart, flies high into the air, and then dive-bombs Little Strongheart at you causing the young buffalo to slam into you with a flying headbutt with enough force to send you flying a couple of blocks into Chief Thunderhooves and Sheriff Silverstar who both headbutt and buck you (respectively) hard enough to send you smashing through the window of the hardware store and into the display of duct tape and WD-40 in the back. Quickly regaining your senses, you decide that more duct tape and WD-40 would come in handy later so you throw out a few bits (*68 Bits left*) and quickly stuff some rolls and cans into your coat Rainbow Dash carrying the buffalo mare and they're coming straight at you at top speed! I'm gonna feel this in the morn-(*WHAM*) Rainbow Dash releases the buffalo mare with a dive-bomb technique making her slam into you with a high-speed flying headbutt that sends you flying towards Sheriff Silverstar and the chief-looking buffalo who then buck and headbutt you (respectively) sending you flying a couple of blocks before you smash through the storefront window of the hardware store where your flight finally ends when you crash into a stand in the back corner of the store. You quickly shake your head to try to regain your senses when you notice rolls of duct tape and cans of WD-40 scattered around you. These might come in handy, I better grab some. With that thought in mind, you quickly start stuffing some rolls and cans into your coat. Acquired "Rolls of duct tape" and "Cans of WD-40" Remembering that WD-40 is flammable, you put a small can in your mouth, grab a lighter, leap through the broken window and yell, "BURN IN THE NAME OF THE PROPHE- I MEAN ME!" (or just "FLAME ON!") before putting the lighter near the can and spraying around you, creating a stream of flame that keeps the surrounding ponies/buffalo at a distance (that way, it looks like the Hooded Offender is breathing fire from his faceless hood). You see a label marked "Flammable" on a can of WD-40 which gives you an awesome idea. You put a small spray can into your mouth and grab a nearby lighter before leaping out of the broken window and screaming: "BURN IN THE NAME OF THE PROPH- I MEAN HOOD!" You put the lighter in front of your face and start spraying the can with your mouth at just over the heads of the ponies and buffalo around you, creating a stream of fire which keeps them at a distance. This is so cool! You think in excitement I must look like a faceless firebreather! Suddenly, a painful memory hits you... However, you suddenly remember that heated spray cans explode (long story involving shaving cream, a spark, and 2 weeks in the infirmary) and drop the lighter and throw the can away in a panic. Fortunately, the flaming can lands in and blows up a cabbage cart ("MY CABBAGES") not seriously harming any pony (although the explosion does make Pinkie and Twilight jump away in an overly-dramatic fashion that would look alot cooler in slow-motion) and the scattered cabbages flying everywhere force a couple of ponies and buffalo to take cover It's blurry, but you can make out a spray can of shaving cream, a match, and 2 weeks in the infirmary, but the blurry memory gives you an epiphany, Wait a minute, this is a spray can. SPRAY CANS EXPLODE!!! In a panic, you drop your lighter and hurl the lit can away where it happens to land in a cabbage cart. *KA-BOOM* "MY CABBAGES!" Fortunately, noling was hurt by the blast, but it did force a nearby Twilight, Rarity, and Pinkie to jump away from the explosion in an exaggerated fashion (that you can't help but think would look cooler in slow motion) and the explosion sends cabbages flying everywhere, forcing pony and buffalo alike to dive for cover. You can't help but scoff, "Pathetic fools! Cowering from cabbages?! They can barely squish an an-" (*bonk*) (although a few cabbages do pelt you in the face and one even hits you right in the "family jewels") Unfortunately, one of the cabbages ricochets and slams you square in the family jewels, earning a sympathetic pained wince from any nearby stallions. In light of your intense downstairs agony, you can't help but utter a statement of profound universal wisdom, "Ohhh... My... thingies!" Applejack lassos you and uses her strength to spin and slam you against the side of a building before a pair of buffalo ram you through the building (which happens to be the town's schoolhouse) which collapses (Cue cheering foals) Suddenly, a lasso lands around you and you turn to see Applejack at the other end. With a grunt, the farmpony gives the lasso a harsh pull which lifts you off the ground and sends you whirling around the farmpony until you slam into the side of the town schoolhouse. When you open your disoriented eyes you can make out the form of... a rainbow blur and a pair of hairy trains barreling straight for you? This looks bad- (*SMASH*) Rainbow Dash and a pair of charging buffalo smash you into and through both walls and a support beam of the schoolhouse causing the building to collapse when you all crash through the opposite side (some foals barricaded in a nearby building start cheering). The three then continue pushing you forward until you all smash through the doors of the The Salt Block Saloon... You get dragged along the bar-top counter, hit your head on every glass/mug on the counter, and slam head-first into the piano Before you could regain your senses, the fancy-dressed owner/bartender of the Salt Block Saloon (you never did get his name even though you did a few errands for him) suddenly grabs you and says, "Today's house special for hooded ruffians," He roughly lifts and slams you onto the end of the counter and says, "Everything on the house!" He then drags you across the bar countertop (you hit your head on every mug still on the counter) before smashing you head-first into the piano. Ow. Bar brawls are ALOT less fun than they look in the movies...You think as you try to quiet the chirping birds flying around your head. Suddenly you feel another pair of hooves on you and it's accompanying tomboyish voice fills you with dread... Head repeatedly slammed on the piano to the tune of "Shave and a Haircut, Two Bits" "I know this greattune! Want me to show you first-hoof?" Before you could politely decline, Rainbow Dash starts slamming your face onto the piano to the tune of: Da da da da da DUM DUM In desperation, you lash your hoof out behind you and hit something squishy. You hear Rainbow give out a cry of pain as she lets go of you and you turn to see her reeling and clutching her eye. If this were ANYLING else, I'd be alot more sorry. You can't help but think vindictively as you shake your head to regain your senses, but you hear ANOTHER voice that fills you with even more dread, "You'll pay for that varmint!" And you open your eyes to see a VERY angry Applejack charging at you... Try to do a chandelier swing, but the chandelier breaks causing you to fall Remembering a really old black-and-white swashbuckler movie, you quickly leap onto the piano and jump over the farmpony as she smashes into the piano and you grab the chandelier with your front hooves and swing on it in an attempt to kick at a buffalo, but you miss... *snap CRASH* and the chandelier snaps and lands on a few ponies and buffalo (including Rainbow Dash (don't worry, her eyes are fine) and Applejack) while you slam hard onto your back. Owwww... Stupid ancient movies... Bugze attaches one end of duct tape to a lampost and runs in circles while parallel to the ground, kicking at the ponies and buffalo charging at him, pulling at the duct tape to keep himself level. Kinda like at 1:30 here: Pinkie Pie tackles him to the ground, screaming "Hey! We have GOOD animation here!" Suddenly remembering a scene from one of your favorite action trilogies, you get up and dodge a thrown chair by dashing over to the pool tables and grabbing a pool cue. Suddenly the buffalo mare rams you and sends you flying a meter, but you manage to jam one end of the pool cue into a small gap in the floor while in mid-air. You quickly wrap your arms around the pool cue behind your head and use your momentum to start running in circles parallel to the ground, kicking at the ponies and buffalo coming at you from all sides. This is so awesome!!! You can't help but mentally squee as you continue your face-running. *Crack* Unfortunately, lady luck rears her ugly head as the pool cue snaps and you fall face-first onto the hard wooden floor. You try to get up, but Pinkie tackles you to the ground screaming, "Hey! We have GOOD animation here!" "Get your stinking hooves off me, you darn dirty psycho!" you yell in defiance at Pinkie, but soon more ponies and buffalo start helping to hold you down as well, you need some breathing room and fast... if a couple of buffalo and/or ponies are holding you down, useFUS RO DAH to get some breathing room "FUS RO DAH!!!" The magic-powered yell sends every buffalo and pony in the bar exploding through the front of the building in a shower of (live) bodies, furniture, and splinters. You kick back up and run out of the now-without-a-front-wall saloon, but as soon as you reach the street you get blindsided by a flying karate kick from Rarity. You reel from the hit and smack your hooded face on the end of a large tube. Wait, that's not a tube, THAT'S PINKIE'S PARTY CANNON!!! You can only stare down the barrel, frozen in horror, as Pinkie says with disturbing cheer, "Let's put a smile on that face! I mean no face! I mean... I'll figure it out later." before blasting you in the face with confetti and streamers, knocking you a couple of feet back. You get up only to be greeted with a really hot apple crisp to the face, "THE NUTMEG! IT BURNS!!!" you scream in pain as you yank the pastry off your face. Before you can finish wiping the apple filling off you, a train of muscle and fur slams into you. You get up again and see that the Appleloosans and Buffalo are coordinating their attacks against you. You even hear a pony and a buffalo say, "I'll provide suppressing pies, you go around and head him off at the pass!" "'Head him off at the pass?' I hate that cliché!" Yes! you think victoriously One of my plans actually worke-WOAH! You quickly weave to the side to dodge a pair of apple pies and roll to dodge an incoming buffalo. I gotta end this before I get captured! But how... You decide to let Braeburn get the last shot at the end of your epic battle, because he was a really cool guy. Unfortunately, he has no idea who you are, so his buck nearly takes your head off. You hit the ground dazed, but your head is still clear enough to stick to your plan. You reach out a hoof towards the orchard, saying "No! The most delicious apples in all the land! You were almost MINE! The money I could have made..." Looks of confusion greet you when you turn back to the victors. "You may have won this round, savages, but the Hooded Offender will return!" You teleport away just as Rainbow Dash charges again. You spot Braeburn in the middle of the melee, Braeburn's been my bestest best friend in this whole town. I'll let him strike the final blow. With that you charge at the cowpony, dodging and weaving around incoming ponies and buffalo like a professional hoofball player, before yelling, "I come at you like a wreeeecking ballllll!" "I HATE that song!" Braebrun yells as he turns to buck you and you suddenly realize two very important details: 1. Braeburn doesn't know that you're the Hooded Offender 2. Braeburn is APPLEJACK'S cousin His rear hooves slam into your face and sends you soaring halfway across the town before you hit the ground and painfully start skidding and rolling the other half. Luckily, you see that you're heading towards a bale of hay. Thank Luna! That hay will soften the impac- (*KLONK*) When you regain consciousness a minute later, you're surrounded by Appleloosans, the buffalo tribe, and the mares, and you see that the bale of "hay" was actually hiding an anvil. Anvils in hay! WHAT A LOUSY BUCKING TRICK!!! You mentally scream, but your head is still clear enough to remember your mission. You roll onto your belly and reach out a hoof towards the orchard and cry, "No! The most delicious apples in all the land! You were almost mine, MINE! The money I could have made..." Looks of confusion greet you when you turn back to the surrounding victors. You wobble back up to your hooves and say, "You may have won this round, savages, but the Hooded Offender will return! HOODED OFFENDER, AW-" get dog-piled by every buffalo and pony. Then you teleport away Before you could finish your outro, EVERYLING (pony AND buffalo) pounces on you in a massive dogpile. You just manage to teleport away before your ribs could snap from the pressure. You gather up the Inventory and sneak onto the next train in your pony disguise. Braeburn deserves a letter when you get off at the next stop, but it's time to get out of Appleloosa. You'll miss the place, but those crazy mares will probably stake it out to find you again. So long as you can keep yourself ahead of them, you're a happy bug. As you sit in your traincar, you hear voices in the hallway. "You sure you wanna head back to Ponyville, Twi? The varmint might be-" "He won't stick around, Applejack. He's trying to stay away from us now. Once we get back to Ponyville, we'll come up with a new plan to catch him. I hear Princess Celestia will be visiting soon, so that will be the perfect opportunity to put our heads together." The train pulls away from the station, drowning your sobs and curses of Lady Luck with a blast of its whistle. A FEW HOURS LATER You are disguised as an Earth Pony and sitting in a car of a train about to leave Appleloosa. In the confusion of the aftermath and cleaning up, you were able to retrieve The Inventory, leave behind a note for Braeburn explaining you had to leave early that morning due to a "family emergency" and even left him a present of a can of WD-40 and a roll of duct tape (Speaking of which, you also stopped by what was left of the hardware store and paid for the stuff you "borrowed"). *65 Bits remaining* As you sit in your chair munching on an intact apple pie you snatched from the aftermath of the battle (what? Waste not, want not) you reflect, I'll miss that place, but those crazy mares will probably stake it out to find me again. So long as I can keep myself ahead of them, I'm a happy bug. But you can't help shake the feeling that you're forgetting something- Buck! I forgot to do my Hooded Offener intro! Ah, maybe next tim- Your thoughts are interrupted by familiar voices in the hallway... "You sure you wanna head back to Ponyville, Twi? The varmint might be-" "He won't stick around, Applejack. He's trying to stay away from us now. Once we get back to Ponyville, we'll come up with a new plan to catch him. I hear Princess Celestia will be visiting soon, so that will be the perfect opportunity to put our heads together." The train pulls away from the station with a blast of its whistle. If anypony bothered to listen closely, they'd hear a sobbing voice cry out: "BUCK YOU LADY LUCK!!!" What do you do?