You snicker and ask if they can save the lover's quarrel for another time. The Death Look you receive almost turns your coat brown for another reason.
You can't help but snicker at Applejack and Rainbow's argument. It reminds you of that one comedy you used to watch secretly at the hive. You forgot the name of it, but (if you remember correctly) it would always make you laugh and you almost got caught because you were laughing so much. So, being the idiotic bug you are, you decide to crack a joke about it,
"Mare, mares, could please save your lovers quarrel for AFTER this problem is settled with."
Cold, unrelentingly silence is all you get from your joke. Applejack and Rainbow slowly turn their heads towards you and... give you a pleasant smile? They then both say at the same time in a creepily pleasant tone,
"What was that?"
Their pleasant tone and creepy smiles begin to unnerve you, but you begin to feel truly terrified when a sudden dark aura appears behind them and a creepy looking mask appears behind them. You start to shake in fear and you feel like you're gonna turn your coat brown for another reason. You stutter out,
"No, nothing, I didn't say a thing."
Rainbow and Applejack nod there heads in approval and the creepy mask and dark aura disappears. They then look at each other and go back to arguing about who's right. You stop shaking and look behind you and see... that everyling else is all right. You can't help but think in shock,
Didn't they see that! How could they not see something so gorram terrifying when it's right in front of them?
You decide that you should just focus on waiting for the argument to die down for now and focus on what just happened later.
23 MINUTES LATER
FOR THE LOVE OF LUNA! THEY'VE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR THE PAST 23 MINUTES!You think to yourself in extreme annoyance.
Their 'argument' has devolved from giving actual reasons why each party needs the land, to just shouting "US" and "THEM" at each other. And it's annoying you to no end! Finally your annoyance reaches its peak when they just start to just scream at each other, so you do what any self respecting citizen would do...
You quietly mutter to the crowd.
"Can I say something?" you ask. Everypony turns and stares at you. (Again with the staring) You clear your throat.
"SHUT UUUUUUPPPP!!!!!"
"TIME OUT! Why don't we let the two people who ACTUALLY live here discuss this. Perhaps they can come up with a compromise that works for everybody, because that is how diplomacy works."
You go over to the two arguing ponies and mutter,
"Can I say something?"
The two arguing ponies (and everyling else for some reason) stop talking and they begin to stare at you (what is with these ponies (and buffalo) and staring) You mutter a "thank you" before you clear your throat and scream at the top of your lungs...
"SHUUUUUUUUUUUT UPPPPPPPPPPPP!"
The ponies (and one buffalo) are surprised by your outburst, but before they can talk back you continue to speak,
"Here's an idea. How about instead of the two ponies who don't live here stop 'discussing' (*you use air quotes here*) about how this problem should be resolved, and instead let's let the pony and buffalo who ACTUALLY live here discuss this. Perhaps they can come up with a compromise that works for everybody, because I'm pretty sure that's how diplomacy gorram works. Shiny?"
Braeburn and Little Strongheart both nod their heads in agreement with your idea, but Applejack and Rainbow just ignore what you said and go back to arguing. You give a annoyed sigh and think,
I didn't want to do this, but you gorram fillyfoolers leave me no choice.
You decide that you have to use emergency plan D-34. You think about the object you need and you pull out...
Step 1. Get duck tape
Step 2. duck tape RD and AJs mouths
Step 3. hide before they can retaliate!
The duct tape from The Inventory and nod towards Braeburn as you show him the duck tape. He looks shocked at first, but then he nods his head grimly before mouthing to you "Do it" (you also notice that the buffalo mare has noticed your duct tape and also gave a grim nod as well). You nod your head before you run over to the two arguing ponies and doing something that will probably get you killed...
You duct tape their mouths shut. They look at each other in shock and they try to talk but all that comes out is mumbles. You nod your head in victory and say,
"That duct tape should keep your two yaps shut while Braeburn and Little Strongheart make a compromise."
It is then that you realize that you just ducked taped the mouths of the scariest mares you know, so you slowly begin to back away. The two mares give you a glare that would make a dragon wet its pants and you chuckle nervously before... booking it the hay outta there, the two angry mares right on your tail.
1 HOUR LATER
You finally managed to lose the two angry mares by ducking through a thin alley which they got stuck in (you almost got stuck as well, but some WD-40 allowed you to slip away, no pun intended) and then hiding in the Salt Lake Spitoon just to be safe. While you were hiding there, you decide to treat yourself for helping to broker peace by ordering Apple Crisp and "cider, the good stuff" (Sweet Apple Acres cider). After placing your order, a crowd of Appleloosans (including Braeburn and Sheriff Silverstar) come into the saloon and you hear the Sheriff bark to the bartender,
"Bartender, Salt licks and keep em comin! As of tomorrow, we're at war with the buffalo."
You hear gasps from the ponies in the saloon (including yourself) and you ask,
"What happened Braebrun? I thought you and that buffalo mare were gonna make a compromise!"
"We were, but then Pinkie started singing a terrible musical number. Fortunately, the stage fell apart halfway into her number (nice job patching the stage a few weeks ago, Bugze), but the damage was already done and now both sides are gonna go to war."
Having lost your appetite, you decide to change your order to "Shirley Temple, extra syrup" . After changing your order, you mutter to yourself,
"War... war never changes."
COUPLE OF MINUTES LATER
You finish and pay for your drink (*75 Bits left*), leave the saloon in sadness, and are about to walk away towards Braeburn's place when the saloon doors bursts open and...
Sheriff Silverstar gets drunk on salt licks and leads the town in a musical number.
You hear this in the background and Silverstar starts to... sing?
"What can you expect from filthy large heathens?
Here's what ya'll get when species are diverse!
Their furs are really brown,
they're only good when down
They're vermin, as I said and worse!"
Suddenly a bunch a Appleoosans start to sing as well, and what they're singing ain't exactly tolerant...
"They're savages! Savages!"
Silverstar then drunkenly climbs on a nearby table and he continues to sing...
"Ain't even ponies."
The Appleloosans start to grab pies and catapults (apparently Nightshade only ate half of the pies) while singing...
"Savages! Savages!"
Sliverstar stumbles down from the table and starts to walk around pointing at other ponies and singing...
"Drive them from our town!
They ain't like you and me,
which means they might be evil.
We must sound them drums of war!"
As soon as he said that a pony starts to play the drums in a war like fashion and the Appleloosans continue to sing...
"They're savages! Savages!
Dirty furry devils"!
Then Sliverstar and the Appleloosans sing at the same time...
"Now we sound the drums of war!"
You look disgusted at what the ponies of this town are saying, when you see smoke coming from the buffalo camp, and you decide to use your Zoom to see whats going on over there, You say the incantation (Give me the sight of an hawk. Give me the sight of an eagle. Show me what others can't stalk. Give me the power of... ZOOM!) You hold your head in pain from the magical drain, but you notice that the buffalo chief is sharping his horns! You also begin to hear signing coming from the camp as well, and the chief is signing...
"This is what we feared.
The pony is a demon.
The only thing they feel at all is greed."
Then, a shaman looking buffalo, who looks to be painting war paint onto two other buffalo begins to sing as well...
"Beneath that colorful hide,
there's emptiness inside."
The two buffalo and the buffalo around then begin to sing as well, and just like the Appleloosans, its not very nice...
"I wonder if they even bleed!
They're savages! Savages!"
The chief buffalo begins to walk towards the other buffalo and sings with them...
"Not even buffalo.
Savages! Savages!"
The chief buffalo and the shaman buffalo begin to sing right after each other...
"Robbers at the core."
"They're different from us which means they can't be trusted."
"We must sound the drums of war."
As soon as he sings that, some buffalo begin to play the drum in a war like fashion and sing...
"They're savages! Savages!
First we deal with this town,
then we sound the drums of war."
You then hear some more singing behind you and you turn to see an even more inebriated Silverstar singing...
"Cabbages! Cabbages! *hic*"
Then, out of nowhere, a mare (who's name, if you remember correctly, is Carrot Top. You've patched up her door and cupboards a few times) takes a pie and screams...
"Let's go pie a few, mares!"
You then hear the buffalo sing...
"Savages! Savages!"
Sliverstar then began to sing....
"Now it's up to ya'll, ponies!"
Suddenly, everyling from both sides begins to sing the same lyrics at the same time (Go figure)...
"Savages! Savages!
Barely even considering!
Now we sound the druuuuums
offfffffffffff
waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrr!!!"
Suddenly, Sliverstar passes out on the ground and begins to snore loudly, and all the ponies around him prepare for war. You cancel out your Zoom (causing another headache) before spotting the Mane Six with Braeburn and the former are all looking at the drunken Sheriff and the town in silent horror. Rainbow Dash (of all ponies) says,
"Wow, that sounded REALLY species-ist"
Braeburn then replies,
"Oh, the Sheriff is normally always fair and tolerant towards all species. He only gets like this when he's salted and even then it's all bark and no bite. The last time the Sheriff was like this was when he found out that his beloved baby sister got married and forgot to tell him until 3 months after the wedding. He got really salted and started singing 'Don't Trust Them Ziggers."
...
"Did I mention that her sister's new husband is half-zebra?"
Before you can hear what the ponies are going to say next when you hear a familiar voice say...
Nightshade asks you why the Buffalo and Ponies want to hurt each other (and you have a difficult time explaining it to her).
"Daddy, why do they want to hurt each other?"
You look down and see that Nightshade is adorably poking her head out of the Inventory. After a few seconds of shock (half at the fact that she's sticking her head out of the Inventory and half at the fact that SOMETHING actually woke her deep slumber) you quickly duck into an alley before the Mane 6 could see her and sternly say,
"Nightshade! What have I told you about coming out without disguise when visitors are in town."
She looks sad and replies,
"Sorry daddy, but that music woke me up. Why do they want to hurt each other."
"Well, you see dear, the buffalo want to stampede through their traditional grounds, but the town's main source of food, the apple orchid, is in the way of their path."
Nightshade replies,
"But, can't the buffalo go around the town, or our neighbors move the orchid, or the buffalo fly over the apples, or..."
You interrupt her,
"They already tried to settle things peacefully, but it didn't work and now the ponies and the buffalo are going to fight each other."
"But... why do they need to hurt each other?"
Finding yourself unable to make sense of the situation as well, you sigh in defeat and say,
"I... I don't know Nightshade. I just don't know..."
Nightshade looks at you blankly and says,
"That's dumb."
You sigh and reply
"I know dear. I know..."
You and Nightshade look on in sadness at the town preparing for war before you start to glare in anger and think to yourself,
This is my home, I can't let it be destroyed in a pointless war. I know I have to stop this, but what can I do?
While you're thinking, Nightshade comments,
"Why can't they get together for something they both like? Like an eating contest or salt licking (why can't I lick salt yet?) or..."
*ding* Nightshade's rambling suddenly gives you an idea, but it's a VERY risky idea so you say to her,
"Dear, I got an idea. But I need you to promise me that you will NOT get out of bed until I tell you to. No matter what. Promise?"
Nightshade looks at you in worry, but then smiles and says,
"Okay daddy. I love you."
With that, she ducks back into the Inventory and you go into an alleyway. What you don't notice is a yellow and pink blur following you into the ally...
You quickly put your stetson and orange bandanna into The Inventory and you wash out the mud from your coat. As you put the coat back on, you say to yourself...
When the Appleloosans and the Buffalo are about to go to war, you decide to help make peace between the two groups by giving them something to unite against... THE HOODED OFFENDER!
or... Give them something to unite against: the Hooded Offender!
"There's only one sure way to stop a war between two species... and that's to give them a common enemy. And that enemy..."
You put on your hood before saying in a determined voice,
"IS THE HOODED OFFENDER!"
With that said, you teleport above the town on top a water tower you patched a few weeks ago (after falling a few feet onto it of course, stupid imprecise teleport)...
Back at the alley, Fluttershy walks out of the shadows and looks at where you once stood with hope and worry before whispering to herself
"Please, Hoody, please be careful." and with that she walks back to her friends.
THE NEXT DAY
You stand on the water tower, your cloak billowing in the wind (you REALLY wish you could take a photo of yourself right now) as you see the buffalo standing atop a ledge getting ready to stampede. You also see the Appleloosans prepare their pies for war. With a sigh you think to yourself,
Okay, two small armies are about to go to war and all I have to do is turn both sides against me. All without killing or hurting anyling too badly and not getting caught or exposed in the process... Piece of cake. Oh, and I'll keep The Inventory up here so that Nightshade will be safe.
Suddenly, you notice the buffalo mare from before and the chief-looking buffalo talking and you see hesitant contemplation on his face.
Yes! you think in relief They're not gonna do it! I won't need to kill myself with this idiotic pl-
"–whaddaya say?
You got to share
You got to care
It's the right thing to do..."
With that, the chief-looking buffalo gets really angry and initiates the charge. As the tribe barrels towards the town you call home, all you can say is...
"...GORRAMIT PINKIE!!!"
What do you do?