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// June 18, Entry 2 - Laughing and Crying 
// Story: Friendship is Revolution 
// by ultiville 
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I feel a lot of things.  Exhausted, excited, nervous.  I wonder if Pinkie would manage to make a portmanteau of those.  Nervexhited?  That barely even works if it isn't written.  I guess there's no substitute for Pinkie Pie.  Come to think, probably for the best.

After the conversation with RD about cutie marks, and after I wrote that last entry, I finally managed to sleep for a little while.  RD had today off, and she slept in a bit too, but I don't think either of us got a full night before the doorbell woke us up.  It's strange the little things that carry over - her doorbell sounds enough like an Equestrian one that I almost went down and answered it out of habit, which might have been a disaster.  As it turned out, though, it was just Alanna, back with her thoughts.

We talked things over for a long time.  She really is a wonderful listener.  I guess it comes with her job.  She made a couple of very good points, among them that if I'm not going to just figure out how to get home immediately, I won't want to live in RD's apartment forever.  I think I'd realized that on some level, and RD certainly had, but the whole thing has been so strange, and there's so much to learn, I think I went back to my old ways, of hiding in whatever research I could do.  The whole "totally alien to human experience" thing was also a handy excuse.

But of course Alanna's right.  I don't think I want to just stay here and work day and night on getting back to Equestria.  For one thing, I don't really know where to begin.  Unless I've forgotten it in whatever lost time I have, I don't even know the first thing about a spell to go between worlds unaided, and obviously researching it here would be impossible, since they don't have unicorns, or even any creatures that can do magic at all.  I could try to figure it out myself, but between the complete lack of reference materials, and my strangely weakened magic, it would likely take years, maybe centuries.  The difference between that and just not trying isn't significant in practical terms.

Then there's the other thing: I'm not sure I want to leave yet, or should.  Nothing seems to be jogging my memory of why I came here, but I can't imagine I came to another world by accident.  And especially this one, which increasingly seems in need of me.  Until I find or remember some evidence otherwise, I'm going to work on the assumption that I came here to do some good, and will try my best to do it.

I didn't tell them that, exactly.  They're great humans, and I think we're on our way to being friends, but it's clear I don't understand them well yet.  RD was so prickly last night talking about her freedom, I'm worried they might not see things the way I do, or might think my help isn't well-intentioned.  Or that I'm trying to control them.  And I'm not sure yet how I feel about so much here, anyway.  I need more time, to feel them out, and to get my own thoughts in order.  So I told Alanna that I didn't know how to get back, and thought it might take a long time to figure out, and left it at that.  That's true, of course, and important.  I'll tell them both the whole story someday, when I'm sure I can tell it right.

Alanna said that since that was the case, she thought someday I was going to have to reveal myself to humans, and probably sooner rather than later.  RD would never say anything, but I was already a little worried that I was imposing on her.  Besides, I'm pretty sure even the Princess of Friendship can't make friends with people she's hiding from.  So we agreed on that.

The next part of her plan surprised me, though: she wanted to take me out to meet another new friend almost immediately!  I had to admit there was no reason to wait, much though I wanted to stall a bit before going out in public.  But she thought it'd be better to hide me at least on the way over there, and see what this friend had to say before going right out on the street, so she wanted to wait until dark.  After that, she said, she'd arranged a meeting with me at a local bar.  I was skeptical that I could go to a bar and meet just one person, but she assured me the person I was going to meet was the owner, and the bar would be closed.

I had a few hours to kill between the two, though, and RD was still at work, so I caught up on some of my research.  I went back to my earlier entries and found all the things I'd meant to research and looked them up online.  I also took a pen apart with my magic; RD told me they are common and cheap and it would be no problem if I destroyed one.  It was a bit of a problem for me, though.  I still have no idea why my magic is so weak!  Maybe humans can't do it because it's just weaker in this world?  I hope not, I'd love to get my full power back.  Anyway, I eventually managed to break it down, and answered a few other questions I had as well, with more mundane research using the Internet.  I've added appendices at the back of this journal describing my findings, and will add more as events warrant.  I've gotten better at typing, but it's still easier for me to write by horn, and I don't quite trust the computer to remember everything yet, though I recognize this is irrational.  (*Note to self: research how they work - perhaps that will force me to internalize their reliability.)

By the time I'd finished my notes on human garments and anatomy, it was nearly time to go.  

They have so many kinds of clothing!  Probably because they apparently view nudity as a huge taboo; even seeing RD wearing as little as I did last night is apparently usually reserved for family, lovers, or very close friends.  Perhaps her discomfort at this contributed to our tense conversation.  I'll have to apologize.  Fortunately no one seems to mind much that I don't wear any, but maybe I should look in to getting some?  Though I'd need some money, I suppose.  Ugh, I was lucky last time I ended up at a public high school, looking like a native - being an adult (and a pony in a human world) is much harder.

Alanna brought her car around the back of RD's apartment building and came up to get us, then RD made sure no one was in the stairwell, and we got out without being seen.  Alanna's car has some fascinating windows, they're somehow tinted so it's easy to see out, if a bit darker, but more or less impossible to see in.  Sure, that's an easy spell for most teenage unicorns with any talent to speak of, but like everything here it's completely nonmagical, at least in the sense I understand.  Though it seems like some of these technological tricks might as well be.

We didn't drive for too long, just ten minutes or so, though it is amazingly hard to judge speed in a car.  You'd think it'd be easier than it is in a carriage since it has so many windows, but somehow I found it just as hard.  I asked Alanna and she said we drove about two miles to the bar.  She told me the car could go much faster, but doing so wasn't safe on city streets.  It isn't as fast as pegasus flight, of course, but beats ponies and even the train by quite a bit.

The bar itself was similarly deserted so late on a weeknight.  Apparently it's a favorite of the local police and other legally inclined people, and is near a major law school, which is how RD and Alanna know the bartender.  Her name is Rosie Baker, and to my increasing confusion but decreasing surprise her voice sounds a lot like Pinkie Pie.  I'd thought all humans were pale, but her skin is a very rich dark brown, about as dark as her hair, it is very striking!  She didn't have any balloons about her person when I met her, but there were three tied to a signpost on the street outside, two blue and one yellow, just like Pinkie's cutie mark.  That's a mystery I won't be able to just look up on Wikipedia.

Rosie's bar has a lot of charm to it.  It isn't fancy or anything, but it's clean and well maintained, and has nice, functional fixtures.  I'd say it suits her.  She has an easy smile, but is otherwise very different from Pinkie.  She's about a grimmer kind of humor.  Not mean spirited, or at anyone's expense except occasionally her own, but Pinkie seems to be made of laughter, like once she found it she couldn't help but be what she is.  I think Rosie makes a choice every day to laugh because otherwise she'd have to cry.  After my reading yesterday, I can't really blame her, and her bar's a haven for people who deal with the worst of it.  I think she helps them make that choice, too.

Alanna, RD, and I spent a few hours there, telling her the whole story.  Then they went off for a bit to give us some alone time.  She asked how I was holding up, and there was no grin there at all, she just put a hand on my foreleg and looked so serious.  I broke a little bit, looking at her dark eyes, and told her everything I found looking online, and how much it scared me.  I was terrified she'd look at me like an alien.  Like RD had when we'd talked about cutie marks and destiny.

She just leaned over the bar and hugged me though, and stroked my mane.  I've never really known any creature with hands, while I've been myself.  I learned to understand how useful they are in my few days through the mirror - particularly compared to hooves and wings, if not magic - but I don't think I ever appreciated them before.  There was so much expression in such a simple gesture.  I think my mom herself would have had trouble making me feel as comforted.  I remember exactly what she whispered in my ear:

"Oh you poor dear, we all think that.  I don't know why it happens any more than you do.  That's why I do this.  I feel like it's all I can do."

It sounds depressing, writing it down.  And I suppose it is, really, but it made me feel better, just knowing I wasn't the only one who felt that way.  That really opened the floodgates, and I told her about my princess title, and my duties.  And how I wondered if I was here for some reason, whether they needed me.

She said she thought they needed me, but didn't know if they'd want me.  We both cried for a while, still hugging.  I felt a lot better after.  I don't know if she did, but we both calmed down.  She had a beer, I had a water.  She told me she'd do what she could.  I told her about my worries about imposing on RD, finding some acceptance, and making some kind of way here.

She told me I should come work for her.

I'm incredibly nervous about it, but it does seem like a good idea.  I start tomorrow, waiting tables.  Rosie trained me tonight, and it is pretty easy.  Even here my magic is more than strong enough to carry trays, and it isn't like memorizing orders is difficult, compared to some of the spells I've learned in a hurry.  Of course, that's not what's keeping me up writing such a long entry, even though I got back late.  How will the humans react?  This is a big risk on Rosie's part, not just mine.

I told her that, and she smiled a little half-smile.  She said that sure, I might get her bar burned down, but if I didn't, I'd get it on TV for free.  I'd already realized that kind of quip is pretty standard for her, but I couldn't really argue.  And not just because she was being nice to me; it wasn't a bad point, either.

Still, this feels like the night before a final exam, and I've never been great at nights like that.  At least the bar doesn't open until the evening, so I'll be able to sleep in.  And Rachel and Alanna were both excited for me, and said they'd be there at open to act normal.  I'm glad that even here I've got some friends to stand by me.

Of course, they can't stand by me if I'm too tired to stand, so I'm going to wrap this up and go lie in bed.  Maybe in a few hours I'll be able to to fall asleep.