//------------------------------// // The Bizarre Case of The Naked Appaloosain Sasquatch // Story: Death of a Salesman // by EveningShadows //------------------------------// 'Selfish Man by Flogging Molly' or 'The Bizarre Case of The Naked Appaloosain Sasquatch' As I crested the last hill and gazed down upon the frontier town filled with colorful ponies I was struck with a great truth. It was possibly the greatest truth that mankind had discovered during its existence. Walking sucks ass. If it was up to me I would spend the rest of my life like one of those bloated freaks from Wall-E. Thoughts of a utopia filled with loving robotic overlords filled my mind as I stumbled down the rocky slope. After more walking to top off my day already filled to the brim with walking and drinking a few more non-addictive rejuvenation potions I found myself entering an apple orchard. I knew this orchard from the show as well as this town. I shoved those thoughts out of my head as I felt the beginnings of that cold pit returning to my stomach. It wasn't long before I came upon the sight of a pony. The first living pony I had seen in real life. Or after life to be more accurate. I could only hope the living ponies didn't inch away from me and shiver if I got too close. This new sight wore a single braid of green hair, a yellow coat and a pair of dice showing snake eyes. The mare leaned forward on her forelegs before delivering a powerful kick directly into the truck of a tree I assumed wasn't Bloomberg. All the apples fell artfully into a single barrel ready to catch them. Until she looked at me, at which point her eyes widened and a single apple fell directly onto her head knocking her off balance. I successfully held back my laughter as she fell over in a heap. I gave myself a moment to compose myself before hurrying over. As I got to her the yellow mare's eyes refocused. When she saw me looming over her I saw widening eyes and shrinking pupils. "Need some help up?" I offered, hoping to avoid any chaos or angry mobs. She had to take a few breaths before answering with a slight country twang, "Uh.. you ain't gonna eat me are ya?" I blinked. "I'd rather eat an apple," I held out my hand. After hesitating for a moment she took the offer and I pulled her up onto her hooves, "Thanks stranger. The names Lucky Roll." The phrase, "That roll didn't seem very lucky to me," spilled out of my mouth before I could stop it. "Says the mangy sasquatch," she glared up at me, apparently forgetting her earlier fear. "Mangy sasquatch?! Where do you get off?!" Temper control has never been a strength of mine, thus my untimely death. "Ah, err, Ah mean.. uh... Here'sthatappleyouwanted!" Lucky shined me a nervous smile as she held an apple up to me and tried to look like she wasn't about to bolt. I guess she remembered that fear pretty quickly. Shit. "Uh... thanks. Sorry for yelling," I tried not to freak her out as I grabbed my apple from her. "This is pretty good," I said between chunks. Her nervous smile shrank down to something more reasonable, "Sure, no problem... So, uh, Ah don't think Ah caught your name?" It was a statement but with an inflection slightly too high for a regular question. "Felix Grayson. You can just call me Felix." "Well its nice to meet ya Felix!" I pretended not to notice the quiet 'I hope' she muttered. "You to," I responded automatically, "Say does this town have anything to drink? I've got this problem called sobriety." "Do we ever! I'll take you to the Salt Block! Best place in town." Salt Block. Right. They're horses, of course. If I had any credit with any god I would've prayed that hard apple cider is actually a thing. "My shifts almost over anyway!" I doubted that a lot. "Great! Lets get going," I flashed her a toothy grin. I took it as a victory that she didn't flinch. Very much. After I helped her load a couple barrels into a wagon she pulled out a white cowboy hat that looked too large for her head. It turned out it was because the moment she put in on the thing immediately slumped forward and covered her eyes. After a few adjustments she fixed the hat to slump toward the back of her head. Has no one told this chick she could just pad the lining with some paper? I decided my best course of action was to pretend I didn't notice her struggles. Lucky Roll pretended not to notice me pretending not to watch her, which suited me just fine. We moved to the front of the wagon in an awkward silence until she strapped herself onto the front. "Mind helping me with this?" she said, motioning to a the strap next to her. I raised an eyebrow at her, "I really do." "Err... right. Lets get goin' then..." I walked with her towards the town, carefully placing myself on the side of the mare that didn't contain a strap I'd have to crawl on hands and knees to fit into. Not ten steps into our journey Lucky adjusted her hat again so she could look over at me, "Ah'm real sorry about that mangy comment... Ah've just never seen a sasquatch with so little fur... or such a well spoken sasquatch... or a sasquatch that wasn't prone to violence... Err I mean--" I cut her off before she could ram her hoof even farther down her muzzle. "I'm not actually a sasquatch," just go with it Felix. Questioning it will just do more damage to your psyche. And it'll probably seem suspicious "Oh... Then what are ya?" The yellow mare asked, curiosity shoving out the earlier awkward moment and the last of her fears. "We're called humans," I said simply. "There's more of ya?" she looked around the orchard without making an effort to hide the hint of anxiety that crept back up through her curiosity. I rolled my eyes but she didn't notice, "Most humans are a long way away." "Oh. Phew," she said it with relief that she immediately tried to cover up, "Ah mean, uh, why are ya so far away from the other humans?" Oh well I died and landed myself here. Now I'm in debt to demons! Like I could tell her that. I need a lie, "Oh, well I travel a lot for my job." "What do ya do?" the mare said as she struggled to fix her big white hat again without stopping. Shit. Great job, Felix. Give her a lie that leads to more questions. After a moment's thought I said the first thing that came to my mind, "I'm an independent contractor." "Ah don't know what that is," Lucky said looking at me blankly As we came up to a barn I faked a knowing smile towards the open air, making sure that my companion could only see the edges of it, "I'll show you in town." I ignored the twisting sensation happening in my stomach and hoped I could get that drink quick. "Well then lets get to town," the mare smiled as she moved the wagon to sit in front of the barn. I noticed a couple of other wagons stashed in orderly stalls at the sides of the barn. They were empty of any barrels. "Shouldn't we put these apples away?" "Nah, it'll be fine! Lets get us a salt block!" A white hat was adjusted before its owner trotted off towards town proper before I could tell her salt would do nothing for me. As we entered the town we got a mass of big colorful eyes staring at us. There weren't any panicked screaming, pitchforks, torches, or any other signs of a quickly forming angry mobs so I'm counting this as a victory. Lucky Roll trotted along humming happily at the prospect of getting hammered, completely oblivious to the fact that everyone we passed gave us the majority of their attention. I saw one stallion walk into a beam and a mare fall into a puddle of mud. "I hope that's mud," I muttered to myself. "There it is!" My companion cheered. Her hat slumped from the sudden motion. "It sure is," I said look at the sign pronouncing itself 'The Salt Block' as a white hat found its proper place. "Come on! Ah need somethin' to take the edge off." "I hear ya, sister," I don't think she heard me as she walked into the noisy saloon. When I walked in all that noise stopped. Looking into the dark establishment did nothing for my sun blinded eyes. All it did was increase my anxiety. "Hi barkeep!" Lucky called with wild abandon as she skipped to the counter, "We're gonna need a couple salt blocks." I'll never know if the mare was completely oblivious to the current situation, if she really didn't care, or if she thought that acting like everything was normal would be a smart play. In any case my eyes had adjusted enough to carefully follow her to the counter. I surreptitiously stopped my approach when I got close enough to hear the whispered conversation happening near the beer taps. "Ah done told ya, Ah ain't gonna get a sasquatch drunk! The sheriff would have mah head!" The barkeeper whispered animatedly at Lucky Roll. "And Ah already told you he ain't a sasquatch! He's whats called a human. And he's really nice! He even helped me finish up my shift! That's why Ah'm here so early." A certain liar whispered back just as animatedly. "Celestia dammit, Lucky Roll! If it weren't for the fact that Ah owe your Daddy so much for givin' up everythin' to defend this here town Ah'd--!" "Excuse me, sir?" I interjected before Lucky's expression of moist eyes and a gasping mouth could devolve, "If you want me to leave I can. Its just that I've been lost in the desert for a few days," I pointed a thumb behind me and over my shoulder at the saloon door, "I just wanted to relax for a bit after my trek here. But its your saloon so its your rules." I let that hang in there air for a moment. "I just hate to think of what the welcome wagon will think of turning a guest away from a cool drink after he's been wandering around in the hot sands." I said it thinking of a certain stallion who, some would say, is a bit too proud of his town. "Ah, uh," the barkeeper stumbled for a moment before glancing at the saloon door. Apparently we were both thinking about Braeburn. "Well shoot! Ah ain't never heard o' a sasquatch that could talk like that. Ya can stay so long as ya behave, just like all mah customers, an' so long as Lucky Roll will take responsibility o' ya if ya don't." The mare in question mouthed me a quick 'thank you.' I smiled back at her before turning to the stallion behind the counter, "Perfect! Lucky here already agreed to cover my tab in exchange for helping her finish up her shift. So I'll take a hard apple cider and any hot meal you've got available." The mare mouthed me a quick 'buck you.' Bar Keep, as I suspect his name actually is, was quick to pour the cool liquid into a mug. Lucky and I decided to ignore the mumbled comment about how 'lil Ms. Roll' can't even pay off her own 'damn tab,' 'Celestia dammit!' Thankfully he still hoofed us a cider and a salt cube. "I'll have your lunch out in a jiffy. Baked tater okay?" "With cheese and sour cream if you've got it." As we slunk over to a corner table and the free show ended so conversation in the saloon picked back up to normal volume. I took a long draw on my cider. There was alcohol in it. I was almost ready to get on my knees and offer a prayer to a god that I doubted would care even if he could hear me. "Thanks for the cider, Lucky, I really needed this." She accepted my gratitude but not before grumbling. "So what are ya doing out on the frontier?" "I suppose I'm looking for the same thing everybody on the frontier is looking for, new opportunities," I said smoothly. It was all technically true after all. "What are you doing here?" "Opportunity," the mare in front of me said to quickly. She took a long lick of her salt. "The kind of opportunity that comes from being a sub-par farm hand?" I asked before I could stop myself. My companion leveled me a harsh glare, "Oh and you're jobs so great that you wont even talk about it!" I almost didn't notice it but when she spoke that angry sentence she lost her accent. "It is great, actually... I, um.. Well you see I buy souls from ponies and sell them to some of my partners back home." I don't know why I said that. Dammit, I should have thought of something better. She's going to hear 'buy souls' and run around town screaming 'Demon!' or whatever the equivalent here is. "Err. Weird. Whats a soul? And how are ya goin' 'round buyin' a bunch if your poorer than me?" They don't know what a soul is! This is perfect! I could-- "Hey I'm not poorer than you!" "Than why am Ah payin' for your meal?" "Because..." You got yourself caught in a lie and I'm taking advantage of you. "You're a generous pony." I said with a hopeful smile. Lucky glared at me in response. "And I'm very grateful," my hopeful smile grew to the point of cracking. I let it crack and let my face fall flat, "Okay, okay I don't have a cent to my name." "Ha. Called it." I didn't want to give her too much satisfaction, "Hey I think that's our waitress." While she was glanced over I chugged the last of my cider. "Here you are, uh, sir. Baked potato with plenty of cheese. Sorry we don't have any cream that's gone bad, we tend to throw that out." "Err.. Thanks. Forget about the cream. I could go for a refill though." The mare scurried off to the kitchen. Lucky glared at me, "Your just going to drink away all my money aren't you?" "Well I hope you'll have enough to tip the poor girl." Her glare deepened. "Hey how much is a days wage for manual labor here?" "Its about 60 bits depending on the job. Why?" "Just needed to know how much to charge for my services," I said with a wink. Not that I need a wink to punctuate that sentence. I just felt that the more blase I acted about taking ponies souls the smaller the twisting pit in my stomach would become. All I got from my companion was a confused stare. At least it wasn't a glare anymore. "Well hoooowwwwdyyyyy Bar Keep! Ah heard we've got an interestin' new guest here in our good town. Mind pointin' me in the right direction? The stallion at the counter didn't even bother to look up from whatever he was doing. He just pointed in our direction with a vague gesture. Braeburn turned to our way. When we locked eyes his widened. I let out an easy smile that didn't expose much of my canines. The pony trotted over to me, "Hey there, ain't never seen one like yourself. What's your name friend?" He spoke with only the slight twinge of an accent. Like someone that that had been influenced by his neighbors but didn't feel the need to speak like his fellows to fit in, unlike a certain mare I'd met. I was a bit shocked. I was expecting him to immediately shout a welcome in the confined acoustics of the bar. When I saw some of the other patrons ready to cringe out of the corner of my eye I figured he'd already done it enough to get the locals pissed. "The names Felix, Felix Grayson." I extended my hand and smiled a little wider, still not showing off enough of the old chompers to show them off in the dim light. He grabbed my wrist with both his hooves and shook it vigorously to many times. It was at about that time that I'd decided I'd never shake a ponies hoof unless they offered first. "It sure is nice to meet you Mr. Felix, my name is Braeburn of the Apple family. And hello Lucky." My fake expression faded into something more real. Despite myself I seemed to enjoy his genuine personality. "Hi--" the mare with me began. I didn't let her get far. "If you wish for something formal its Mr. Grayson, although I'd prefer you simply call me Felix." "I'll do that Felix. Now are you ready for the grand tour?" "I am not," the stallion's enthusiasm seemed to degrade a notch or two. Not wanting to spoil a mood that seemed to be keeping the twisting in my stomach at bay I said, "First I'm going to eat, and then I'm going to drink enough to enjoy life, and then I'm going to drink enough to enjoy your tour." His enthusiasm fell another notch and that gap was filled with confusion. I decided to rush him passed this while the conversation had him off balance. "Why don't you join us!" The stallion brightened up again, "That sounds just dandy!" "Dandy..." Lucky grumbled. It didn't take long to get Braeburn drunk on salt. He was a light weight. It only took a little bit longer to get my yellow companion drunk enough to forget my earlier rudeness and get her mood to match her coat. I ran after their drunk train as quickly as I could. I think the only intelligent thought I had after boarding was wondering why Bar Keep kept serving us drinks that Lucky couldn't pay for. I ended up deciding that he probably just liked seeing her smile. We eventually stumbled out of the Salt Block and poured into the streets like a spilled beer. Braeburn shouted at every pony we met about 'his new hooman friend. I was to drunk to correct him. About the hooman thing. Not the friend thing. I was liking the guy I figured what the hell. I said "Howdy!" to all the ponies he introduced me to, and when I say 'said' I mean 'shouted drunkenly.' My new acquaintances were nonplussed and quick to move on. Lucky maintained her dignity through the whole fiasco by saying little that was coherent. She said a lot and she said it loud and proud. My drunken mind respected her for 'sticking to her principles,' whatever those were. Braeburn ended up showing us the whole town. Nice place. Nice ponies. They seemed content to let us enjoy our rowdy affair. At least they did until our guide decided to show us the best part of the town. Which was of course the apple orchard. Which was of course near a sheer cliff. Which was of course devoid of any railing or safety measure to speak of. We went that way. The fuzz caught up to us pretty quickly. Lucky Roll proceeded to resist arrest by running in circles screaming random vowels. Braeburn and I were 'arrested' during our fits of laughter. Lucky got a similar treatment after she tired herself out. They took us back to what passed for a jail in this town and threw* us in the drunk tank. *gently but firmly guided us It was a comfortable affair with decent beds and warm blankets. The law ponies were even kind enough to push two beds together to accommodate me. I passed out as soon as my head touched the pillow. It was great. I'd never been treated better by the law. The last thought that went through my head before unconsciousness took me was I love this town.