//------------------------------// // Tea With Discord // Story: Grey Little Pony // by Dusty Miller //------------------------------// “Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche Morning workout complete. First patrol of the day complete. Now to stand guard in front of the palace and enjoy a little sun. Not a cloud in the sky, this is going to be a nice day. Then everything Grey could see started to shimmer. He knew what this meant. He was going to reappear someplace else. Usually inside the palace to answer some request of Princess Luna. This time it was different. This time the shimmering was turning darker, muddier than usual. Ugly stone walls appeared around him. On a platform up a few crumbling stairs sat Discord on his throne. More like Discord the Dragon Equine Frankenstein monster lying across his throne looking up examining his claws. His throne was a mess of junk and missing one leg. Obvious designed to mock all other thrones. Discord spoke in a very bored voice. “You shall be my eyes and ears in the forest. You shall work for me. It will be laughs and giggles. I insist it will.” Grey took his time formulating an answer and a strategy. What a dump. You haven't trained for this. He looked around. Walls had collapsed and not been repaired. Or if they were fixed it wasn’t in the same architectural style. The stones in the floor were all broken as if the place had been hit by an earthquake. Furniture, what there was of it, was broken in some way or another. Everything was covered with a layer of filth. Grey could see outside through a destroyed window. The sky was low overcast and dark. Probably very far from the palace.  Stop the internal dialogue! Go with yourself! “I believe it’s traditional to offer a guest tea and make small talk before discussing job offers.” Grey emphasized ‘offers’. “I have not offered anything.” “I know, not even tea.” “I could shower you with gold or drop it on you in one brick.” “Please, if you had gold you could have bought some muffins from the Cakes’ Bakery in Ponyville. We could be having them with our tea. Now those muffins are to die for.” Discord turned his eye toward Grey. Odd little pony. His tail slithered down the dais. “Do you not know who I am?” “Of course, it’s Discord something or other.” This ground pony would not see another day. Discord’s tail moved forward looping trying to grab Grey’s leg. Grey stepped back out of reach. “Are you offering me a choice between cleaning this dump for the rest of eternity or standing in front of an empty building in the sun? Do you have any idea how lazy I am?” Discord’s eyes narrowed at the pony. “Since you like tea so much how about I droop you in a cauldron of boiling water?” “You could call it Earl Grey Tea. I’d be famous. What does earth pony tea taste like anyway?” “Trust me, you wouldn't like it. You want fame? You would have fame at my side.” “Please, how long do earth ponies live in comparison to immortals? How long before your tail got me? I have to sleep sometime, right.” I'm chilled to the bone. Empty your stupid head. “You don’t fear death?” Discord queried. “I’m already dead. Now let me tell you about fear. I have been so afraid that I have vomited on more than one occasion. That had nothing to do with death. Discord’s tail was lengthening and trying an attack from the flank. “I could kill you with a thought or a swat of my tail.” “Haven’t you been listening Old Sod? I’m a fake guard pony that pukes and panics. I failed at street sweeping. I pissed myself the first time I met Luna. You’d be doing her and everypony a favour by disposing of me.” “And your friends believe this?” “I’m sure you’ve been spying on the palace and me since you know that I exist. Have you seen me with any ‘friends’? Any pony that would even remember me would think that I’m dead by now. And when are those muffins getting here?” “I see now. Your brain is damaged. I can easily use a mind control spell on you.” “Go ahead. You want me to spy on Luna for you. I get it. Luna will see right through that and squash me. Same difference.” “Luna isn’t at the palace that often anyway. If I don’t return to the palace Luna will assume that I wandered off like I did with my last job. When she finds out I’ve been talking to you she’ll squeeze every bit of Intel out of me. Have I mentioned that I’m already dead?” “I am a deity of the old realm." Discord growled. "You have shown me no respect.” “Respect is earned not forced.” “Then I shall torture you to death over a long period of time.” “This wouldn’t involve you reciting rap poetry at me would it? That would make my head explode and then you would have more mess to clean up.” Discord’s tail swatted the ground raising a cloud of dust. Grey blew the dust away. “I will mount your head on one wall and your skin on the other so you can gaze upon your grey hide forever.” “I would be honoured in helping improve the décor of your hovel. You have nothing that threatens me. All your strength, power, magic and trickery. What are you going to do? Turn me grey and into the opposite of my cutie mark? Oooooo.” “You said you were going to kill me.” Grey yelled. “You promised!” Discord was incensed. The old rage was rising in him. This un-magical ground thing was making Discord emotional. This pony is suicidal. Ponies are only suicidal after I’ve tortured them. If this pony wants to die he is going about it right. I will be more than happy to oblige. Or was that his plan. Discord mused. Some sort of reverse psychology that will save him? Discord looked into Grey’s past. Depression therefore suicidal.  “Be gone. You are of no value.” Grey appeared on the roof of the Everfree forest palace. “Hi Palace. How you doin’? Would you like a back scratch?” Grey used this opportunity to inspect the roof tiles and gutters. Rational thought returned. Then so did the fear. His legs started to shake. Grey had to lay down. He was trembling, convulsing. Grey hugged himself. When it passed he stroked a roof tile. "I guess I can't use that bluff again. Is that all I am? An empty headed big mouth? At least I didn't throw up."  "A guard pony never lies. I lied palace, I lied. I want to live. Luna help me I want to live! I want to be a real guard pony." Grey sniffed, "You're my only friend Palace, you weird thing. I'm going to have to tell Luna. How should I tell her? I had tea with an old acquaintance? I told the truth about how Luna could squash me in an instant. Best tread carefully."