//------------------------------// // My fourth wall sense is tingling! // Story: You Have the Costume, but Do You Have the Chimichanga? // by Flint Sparks //------------------------------// “HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!” Rarity screamed just before Spiderman covered my face in his sticky white fluid and I penetrated him with my large sword. “There shall be no fights in my humble abode! Take it outside!” “Yes, Rarity,” we mumbled as we sulked and dragged our feet out the door. “I suppose we have to take it somewhere that won’t hurt innocents?” Spiderman asked as we walked down some yellow brick road. “Like, with great power comes responsibility.” I raised an eyebrow, which didn’t really do much for my expression considering I wear a mask and everything. “I take it you aren’t the real Spiderman, are you?” “Nope! I just cosplayed at this one convention and then… well, you know the rest, considering how you crashed the convention just before. Sorry about Kyle, man, that was rough.” The “Spiderman” shrugged as we continued our walk through a town of horses staring at us like we were weird or something. You’d think they’d be used to giant monkeys after all the shit they’ve been through. You know, this is an excellent time for a little exposition. I agree completely. I remember like it was yesterday… you see, a bunch of these comic book nerds came together for a convention. And, like, through some lame deus ex machina the magic of friendship, they somehow gained the powers of their costume. Don’t get me wrong, it’s complete bullshit. How the hell do some nerds get superpowers when they hang out with each other because they don’t have any friends? Maybe they got bit by radioactive hobos? So yeah. Then these nerds decided to get all high and mighty and started posing as actual superheroes! Er, well, supers. Some dressed as villains… just imagine the Joker working as a dentist. Wrong franchise. Hue hue, giggle gas! Anyway, blah blah about ten issues of convoluted plot lines later, they had another convention where they combined their powers or something to create a portal to another universe. You see, I had actually been there, tracking down some cosplaying Deadpool pretending to be me. That’s a major no-no, considering how he isn’t nearly as sexy as I am! Nobody pretends to be us! Good thing we took up art! We keep running out of red paint! Blah blah blah more exposition! Fake Deadpool kicked my ass back at the convention and threw me onto some unicorn statue, leaving me to die. Which I can’t, dumbass. But he can! Probably. Nevertheless, we intend to return the favor. Painfully. “Wait, why are we going to fight again?” Spiderman asked as we found ourselves in the middle of the empty marketplace, full of plenty of debris to toss around as we throttle each other. In response, I scratched my head. In response. In response. Excellent writing style, author. That was sarcasm! “Er…” I wracked my brains for this one. On one hand, I hate cosplayers. On the other, this guy wasn’t being a complete dickhead. Oh great, we’re finally developing a conscience. “I, uh, have to kill all the cosplayers as dictated by the story’s plot, until the final boss fight where I save the day with a poorly set-up deus ex machina?” I scratched my head. “Nothin’ personal, mate. I’m just the merc with a mouth!” Spiderman nodded. “I take it the snark is a given?” “Oh baby, you know it.” Are we starting to develope… emotions? Ew! Sensitivity! KILL IT WITH GUNS! Yeah! Like every other male, I’m afraid of emotions and what I’m afraid of, I lash out with guns! Emotions are for wome— Hey now, let’s not go there. Deadpool is for equality! I’ll shoot and stab anyone! Speaking of which, I leave my swords and pull out my dual pistols, then aimed at Spiderman…. Because shooting him always works. “Hey! How’s the fight going? Are you winning? Huh? Huh?” came the pinkalicious voice emanating from my belt. I look down at one of my open… pocket thingies only to find that pink horse’s head poking out. “Yeah, I was about to turn that guy into swiss cheese!” I grinned at the horse as I outstretched my arm. I returned my gaze to…. Where did he go? The comics lied to us! Just as I turned around, my Deadpool senses tingling, my vision turned red. “Heads up!” Ka-pow! Spiderman sling-shot and kicked my head! Ouch! What an asshole! “Ouch! That hurt!” I whined justifiably as I clutched my head in my hands, standing up. “That’s it!” I pulled out my guns and began firing at Peter Faker with much gusto, who only retaliated with a myriad of flips and webslings. Stupid Spider Sense. Kid had enough balls to make time to flip me off. “Just for that, you can perform impossible acrobatic feats with yourself!” Did you just say ‘go fu—’” Very classy, Deadpool. Spiderman shot a nearby cart with his web, heaved with his shoulders, and threw the entire thing at me! I had enough time to jump out of the way, and took the opportunity to shoot as I slid on the ground and lying on my side, like from that movie 007 or basically any secret spy agent movie with guns during that one slow scene with the pistol. It was badass, and sexy because I’m Deadpool. Of course, he dodged each and every bullet. Asshole. “You know, I hear Applejack’s barn could use another demolishing, if you could even hit the broad side!” Think, Deadpool, think. Spiderman’s Spider Sense allows him to react at bullet-speed. If you can’t shoot a guy…. You can’t even slice him, I bet! Then that means I’ll have to get in close! I leaped forward, tossed my guns to the side, and gave Spiderman a good swing with my left. “Two lefts make a right!” he quipped as he dodged to my left, and brought his fist forward to my exposed rib, only to be countered by my own swinging back kick! Forced to use his punching arm to block, he countered with a roundhouse kick to my face! With cat-like reflexes, I spun my body and smacked his face with my elbow! “Now that’s how you put a little elbow grease into it!” He dropped to the ground and spun, kicking out at my legs. I jumped and flipped backward, landing in a crouch. We stood up and began running toward each other… traded blow. Punch after punch, kick after kick. With divine reflexes and godly strength, we battered each other with a barrage of power. “Argh! Found me some booty!” Spiderman said as he whipped around me to kick me in the hiney. I spun around and raised a fist. “Thirsty? Here’s some punch!” I said as I swung at his face, only for him to duck… wait, where did that purple horse come from? To avoid a civilian casualty, I jumped over the bemused horse and spun around, only for Spiderman to come swinging and drop kick me. “Sorry, I don’t like berry punch!” he flipped over me and landed backwards onto a wall, holding onto it with his sticky fingers. He nodded at the purple horse as she trotted out of the way. “No offense.” He leaped off the wall as I leaped into the air, and we met fist-to-fist. Does that mean you guys were fi— No. “Is. It. Me.” Spiderman punched and punched at me, but I kept dodging and responding with my blows. “Or. Is. Everyone. Here.” He ducked a few times, evading my blows with due bullet-speed reflexes. “Seriously. A. Lesbian?” “What, you against lesbians?” I snarled as I brought up a fist. “But hey, rock beats scissors!” Spiderman had a double-take, “Wha—” allowing me to finally hit that damn fake web-slinger in the skull! I get it! Before I could get in another swing, Spiderfaker backflipped and webslung back into the air to return back to the safety of his brick wall. “Oh my god,” I said as I massaged my temples. “The only thing more annoying than a healing factor is not hitting a guy! It makes it hard to kill you!” You tell that pot, kettle! “Oh my god!” I looked up at Spiderman, who was now clutching his heart. It’s like he had seen something important, perhaps a ploy to distract me or something. Which would, like, never work or anything! Deadpool is the epitome of focus and efficiency! I am untrickable, undeceivable! “OHMYGOD!” Spiderman pointed behind me, up in the air toward some house’s roof or something. “A big-breasted fangirl holding a sign with your name on it!” Don’t fall— “BOOBIES!” I immediately turned around for the promise of big boobies! I love boobies! Boobies boobies boobies! There, on the rooftop, was the fangirl! A girl wearing a Catholic schoolgirl outfit, bouncing up and down and jiggling her jugs up and down! Oh, and she was blonde too! And boobies! Big mounds of boobies! I began running toward her, intending to climb up that building and get a good handful of— A sword pierced out my chest. Oh yeah, wasn’t I fighting some dude? I gurgled and choked—and not in the good way!— as the sword pierced my heart or something. Since it was a lethal strike, it’d take a minute to heal or whatever. I collasped on the ground and watched the feet of the fake Spiderman walk by. He reached down, unclipped my holster, and drew a pistol. Click went the gun. Shit. Blam! Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! Is Deadpool a pool… of dead? Why?!?! Taking the mantle of first person—or would it be pony? I’m a pretty pony! I think… Rarity is a pretty pony, but I guess I’m just a party pony who laughs a lot!—, I couldn’t believe my eyes either. Mister Deadpool, one of the coolest human people monkey things from another dimension and possibly my future boyfriend because our shipping is inevitable and everything, just got killed by Spiderdork! Oh, yeah, hi! I’m Pinkie Pie, and I’m narrating the rest of this chapter or something! You probably already know me, considering this is a fanfi— Too meta! Tone it down, Pinkie girl! Sorry, sorry! Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, I’m the party pony of Ponyville! Savior of Equestria, bearing the Element of Laughter, and lover of chimichangas! And I’m the voice inside her head! You can call me Pinkie, because I’m pink! But I’m Pinkie… So what? Just call me Pink, then. Wait, do that again. This? Awesome! Theme music for our fight! Wait, we’re fighting? B-but… Oh wait, it’s not Saturday. And changelings. But where did the music come from anyway? As I climb out of Discord’s pockets—don’t ask—I chance a glance at Discord, who had just pretended to be a boobaliscious fangirl, and gave him a nod. Time to save my future boyfriend! So much for the Bechdel Test…. The Spidergeek watched me crawl off of future boyfriend, so I didn’t feel guilty when I grabbed his not-stolen sword and leaped at Spidernerd! Klang! went our swords as he blocked my blow! Little did he know that Pinkamena Diane Pie took kendo lessons as a filly instead of choosing the skateboarding specialty! Somewhere in Ponyville, a certain brown colt’s ear twitched. Spiderhuman flipped and jumped everywhere around me, swinging at me with Deadpooley’s huge sword! Nopony but Deadpooley is allowed to pierce me with their sword, so I leaped out of the way and blocked the blows with my mister pointy sword! He slashed, I diced! He sliced, I made rice! He got a mouthful of rice, I bucked his knee and slid under his legs like a ninja! I jumped onto his back and started tap dancing! He tried to flip over and pin me or something, but Pinkie was too fast for him! I flipped over him and used my sword to slice at his pants, making a hole and revealing his tender white tushy! Hey! Why don’t humans have cutie marks? Oh! Oh! It’s because they don’t have magic! Well, not all of them. But some do! Like that one Doctor Strange guy, or the Scarlet Witch! Do you think they have cutie marks? Do you think she’d show us her cutie mark? Oh boy, lesbian fanservice! That’ll definitely make Deadpool fall in love with me! While I was distracted by my drooling over giving my husbando lesbian fanservice, Spiderjerk shot me with his web, pinning one of my hooves to the ground! While I struggled to dodge, leap, or get out of his way, he leaped into the air into a sky kick and hit me! Wait, what’s happening? Time seemed to slow down as his foot made contact. A pink energy started to glow from my body, illuminating me and giving the appearance of… armor? Armor that’s cracking! Oh no! Not my plot armor! Spiderfaker kicked me so hard, I flew across the marketplace and landed so hard on my back against the brick wall that blood splattered out of my mouth as my plot armor completely cracked! Without the blessings of beyond the fourth wall, I could be— Ouchey! I’m already in pain! It hurts! Ah!!! More web flew the air, sticking my four legs against the wall and rendering me immobile. The cold steel of a sword pushed my chin up, forcing my eyes to the ones of the Spider mask. “Sorry, Pinkie,” Petey Fakey said as he tilted his head, like he was actually sorrowful about killing a cute little pony in the heat of battle. “Nothing personal, but…” He brought his arm and the sword back, preparing for the final blow. I wanted to close my eyes, I really did, but I decided to hold my chin up high with dignity. I represented Laughter, never Despair! As I awaited oblivion, something happened. A peculiar something, a something of peculiar… peculiarness of somethings. Half of Spiderman’s face compressed as a… fist? A fist collided with Spiderfaker’s face in slow motion, making it look super cool, as the mask and flesh underneath rippled with kinetic motion! Time sped up again, and Spiderpoop flew against the wall, revealing Deadpool behind him! Before Spiderman could leap up, fire his webshooters, or even recover, Deadpool leaped forward and grabbed a foot. He heaved and hoed, and threw Spiderman over his head and slammed him on the ground. Then he picked up the loser, held up over his head, and brought him down onto his knee! Crack! went Spidercreep’s spine! Deadpool tossed him aside, unholstered his second pistol, and walked over to the groaning fake. He held the gun to the kid’s head, and growled. “Nobody touches ponies when I’m around.” “...” The faker tried to fire his web, only for Deadpool to stomp on the shooter. “Nobody.” He fired, and the fake was no more. M-muh ovaries… With two clean sword slices, he freed me from my sticky prison and caught me. Taking advantage of the fact that the world’s sexiest human mercenary ever was right there, I nuzzled his chest as he began to walk toward the sunset. With his theme song playing in the background. T-that was amazing! You saved us! Only a day in the job, my lady. My hero! Today’s battle had been won, but the war had only just begun. But for now, all was well.