It was a neat inversion of the old cliché. Instead of the alien demanding to be taken to the natives' leader, their leader was demanding that the alien be brought to her. The problem, of course, was that I was (and remain) the sort of person who has no business talking to anyone's leader. Had Col. Patterson known that his sacrificial lamb would be given an audience with this nation's royalty, I imagined, he would have been a bit more careful in his selection. Nonetheless, he hadn't explicitly forbidden me from meeting with Equestria's government should the opportunity arise, and in principle it would be an excellent way to learn more about the land as he had requested. "All right," I said to the armored pegasi. "I'll go. But how do I get there from here?"
One of them nodded at a nearby cart, simple in design but ornately decorated. "We can provide transportation for you -- and, if she so desires, for Ms. Sparkle as well."
"Oh, did Celestia say I could come too?" Twilight asked. "I didn't know if she wanted to speak with Adrian one-on-one, or if there was anything she wanted to ask me, or..."
"Her Highness does have some questions for you, Ms. Sparkle," the other soldier said. "But she's willing to resolve them through your usual channels. This is primarily an offer for you to speak on Mr. Parker's behalf."
"Do I... do I need someone to speak on my behalf?" I asked nervously. "And if so, shouldn't I get some proper legal counsel instead? No offense, Ms. Sparkle, but your personal relationship with the Princess can only do so much to keep me out of pony jail."
"You're not under any criminal suspicion," the first soldier answered, "not yet. You do not need an advocate. Ms. Sparkle's role would be merely advisory. Should there be any cultural misunderstandings during your stay at Canterlot, she may be more able than yourself to smooth them over." He looked at Twilight. "You have spent a fair amount of time among the humans, is that correct?"
"Only a couple days," Twilight said. "But since Adrian's only been in Equestria for a few minutes, I still have the advantage."
"Her Highness's point exactly." The soldier straightened its posture. "So, will you be joining us then?"
"Of course." Twilight smiled warmly. "I'd never turn down a chance to visit Princess Celestia. That's the thing I miss most about Canterlot."
"Excellent. Both of you, come with me. You too, Silverblade." The two war ponies walked to the cart, with Twilight and myself following, and worked together to fit and secure each other's harness. I was briefly amused by the idea of ponies pulling other ponies, until I considered the existence of rickshaws in our world. Without beasts of burden or motor vehicles, these creatures' transportation options were limited. I didn't know enough about Equestrian magic to say whether they could enchant vehicles to move automatically, but I suspected they couldn't do so reliably; otherwise such technology would have driven out non-magical transport long ago.
"So... do I just get in the cart?" I asked.
"That's correct," Silverblade said.
"Okie-dokie." Twilight had already stepped on and scooted to the far side of the cart. I took the seat next to her. "In the words of my people," meaning English, "Let's go!"
"One moment, human." The other soldier turned his head around to face Twilight. "Ms. Sparkle, do you know how to send signal flares or do I need to give you that spell?"
"Oh, I learned that spell long ago." Twilight laughed. "I remember practicing it when I was younger. I gave you guys all kinds of crazy false orders. Sorry about that, by the way."
"The time for that apology is long past," the soldier said, "but you have my forgiveness regardless. Now if you could send the 'mission accomplished, return to base' signal, I'd be grateful. The confirmation code is Khal Teng Two Seven."
"Got it." Twilight shot a burst of light up from her horn into the sky, where it exploded into a multicolored pattern of lines and spirals. "Was that right?" she asked.
"As surely as if Her Highness had fired it herself," Silverblade said. "That's everypony else's cue to fall back, and it should be ours also. Brace yourself, Adrian Parker."
"What? Why? How fast are you planning on -- WHOA!" Very fast, as it turns out. I quickly discovered that Equestria's ponies were capable of land speeds that were more appropriate for NASCAR than for the Kentucky Derby. I gripped the side of the cart and held on for dear life as I watched the two pegasi start flapping their wings. "Oh no," I groaned. "Oh sweet merciful baby Jesus, no." Sure enough, the cart and myself were soon lifted off the ground. We continued to accelerate, and I wondered which would come first: the sonic boom or the first-degree burns from the air resistance. Thankfully, it wasn't long before the war ponies leveled off their speed and my heart, having jumped into my sinuses, could finally settle down.
"The first chariot ride is always the hardest," Twilight shouted over the whipping wind. "But I thought you'd be more prepared for it! You humans have flying machines, don't you?"
"Yes," I responded. "We also have enclosed cabins to protect us from the wind and seat belts to keep us from plummeting to our deaths! Not so much here."
"Don't worry," she said. "These ponies are professionals. They won't let anything bad happen to you! Even if something does go wrong, they know how to recover from it and rescue anypony who's endangered by it."
"You better be right. I didn't come all this way to be splattered against the rocks!" I relaxed my grip on the cart slightly, though my body stayed pinned to the seat back. I looked ahead at what I assumed was our destination. A city of gold and ivory had been built on the steep face of a great mountain. Parts of it had been carved into the rock, while others jutted out precariously over the abyss. "Is that Canterlot?" I asked Twilight.
"Yes!" she answered.
"Must've been one hell of an engineering job," I said. "What in the world would inspire you ponies to build a city like that?"
"I have no idea," Twilight said. "I never studied local history. Maybe after we're done at the palace, we can go on the Canterlot walking tour and find out!"
"No thanks," I said. "I don't care that much!" I scanned the skies, doing my best to gauge our distance to Canterlot without looking down. We were at least a few minutes away at our current speed. "It's gonna be a while. How about some traveling music?" I asked.
"What?" Twilight asked back.
I pulled out my phone. "This thing plays music, remember? I have some songs saved on it! Human songs, obviously; nothing you'd recognize. But still better than nothing at all!"
"Oh! Yeah, go ahead!" she said. I scrolled through my MP3 collection to find a song that captured the spirit of my trip to Equestria or our trip to Canterlot. In the end, though, I came up empty and defaulted to my '80s Classics playlist. Batting first: "The Safety Dance" by Men Without Hats. As I recall, I had to crank my phone's volume to maximum for it to be heard above the wind. "Safety dance?" Twilight asked as the song went to its chorus. "What does that even mean?"
"That's a good question!" I replied. "Don't focus on the lyrics. Just listen to the music! I have songs on here that even I don't know what they're saying. That's not counting the ones that aren't in English!"
And so it went. The music did its job: I don't remember how long it took us to reach Canterlot. I do remember that we arrived in the middle of Europe's "The Final Countdown." The pegasi slowed down more gently than they had sped up, so as not to throw Twilight and myself out the front of the cart, and eventually landed on the grounds of Canterlot Palace. The palace was a magnificent building by any standard, as large as any human castle and built from only the most luxurious construction materials.
The soldiers freed each other from their harnesses and faced Twilight and myself. "Ms. Sparkle, Mr. Parker, if the two of you could follow us," the one that wasn't Silverblade said, "we will take you directly to Her Highness."
"All right then," I said. Twilight and I stepped off the cart on opposite sides. "Lead the way." The two soldiers led us through the spacious corridors of the palace, and I could have sworn that Silverblade was humming "Danger Zone" all the while. Oh crap, I thought, it's a musical chazzwozzer. I'm gonna come back here in a year, go to a concert, and instead of playing whatever songs these ponies have written on their own, it's gonna be nothing but Kenny Loggins covers. I'm still a bit disappointed that this hasn't come to pass.
At last the pegasi brought us to a truly massive hall with stained glass windows on either side. Most of the windows portrayed characters I couldn't identify, but there were two with some very familiar faces. Both featured a group of six ponies, four of whom I could name as Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash. The other two were a white unicorn and a yellow pegasus. Those must be the two she wanted me to meet next, before these guys interrupted. I wonder if she has any friends other than the Mighty Morphin' Pony Rangers. One window showed the six blasting with magic a large black pony with wings, a horn, and armor not unlike that worn by the two soldiers. The other displayed them likewise blasting an unusual creature with parts mixed and matched from a number of species, a grotesque parody of the hybrids of ancient mythology. "A pony of darkness and a god of chaos," I muttered, nodding toward the windows. "I guess your story checks out."
"I told you," Twilight said. "Why would I lie about something like that?"
I shrugged. "Well, I don't know how well the idiom holds up in your language, but in English we would say you had balls the size of a whale."
Twilight frowned. "It doesn't hold up at all."
"Balls. Testicles. Male reproductive bits," I explained. "We use them as a metaphor for courage, especially courage in the face of decency and common sense. I admit it doesn't exactly speak well of our species that we define our males by their willingness to do stupid things, but there's not a lot I can do about that."
"You can try not to fit that mold," she suggested.
"Believe me, I am," I said. "But one person can only do so much. Sometimes that's enough. Usually it isn't. In this case, it probably isn't." I spoke up to address the soldiers in front of me. "Hey, how much further until we get to the Princess?"
"Are you kidding?" Silverblade asked. "This is the throne room! Her Highness is right in front of us!" I looked ahead, and at the head of the room was a majestic white pony, six feet tall at the shoulders, with wings and a horn like the creature depicted on the stained glass. Didn't Twilight say the eternal-darkness pony was this one's sister? Must be a genetic thing. Her mane and tail shimmered and glowed with the colors of the aurora borealis and waved as though blown by a nonexistent wind. Her cutie mark was a stylized sun -- I guess that story checks out too -- and she was wearing a golden crown and collar necklace.
"Well. Don't I feel like a moron?" I asked rhetorically.
"As perhaps you should," the other soldier said. "How do you miss that? The entire room is built to make Her Highness the focal point."
"Honestly I wasn't looking for her in this room," I said. "I figured you'd say something before we entered her chamber."
"Why would we need to say anything?" Silverblade asked. "It would be obvious to anypony who was paying any attention where she was."
"That's just it!" I lifted my hand in an emphatic gesture. "I had no reason to pay attention to anything except where you two were going. I take my eyes off you for a second and, congratulations, I'm lost."
"Which would be a valid excuse," Silverblade observed, "if she were in any direction except the one you already had to look in order to see us."
"Enough!" the other soldier said. "We're here." And we were, after what felt like an eternity crossing the room. The two soldiers bowed before Princess Celestia. Twilight and I followed suit.
"Hello, Silverblade. Hello, Ironshield," Celestia said in a voice that radiated maternal authority. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"
"Your Highness," Ironshield responded, "we present Twilight Sparkle of Ponyville and Adrian Parker of... um... Human...land."
"Thank you, Ironshield," Celestia said. "Thank you, Silverblade. You two are free to leave." The two pegasi rose to their feet and began the long walk out of the throne room. "Hello, Twilight Sparkle. Hello, Adrian Parker. Mr. Parker, there's no need to bow. You're not one of my subjects. Or would you like to be?"
"No thank you, Your Highness," I said, standing up but still averting my eyes. "And forgive me. I thought it was merely a sign of respect for your station."
"It's not," Celestia said. "It's a show of allegiance. But thank you anyway. And please, call me Celestia. You're among friends here. You don't need to be so formal."
"Respectfully, Your Highness, I would prefer not to," I replied. "As long as I'm here, I'm effectively a representative of the United States of America. If, God forbid, relations between our two nations ever deteriorate, I would rather not have done anything that could be used to blame me for the hostility."
"If such a thing did happen," she said, "I wouldn't dream of blaming you for it."
"It's not your blame I'm afraid of," I said grimly.
"Very well. If it concerns you that greatly, you may continue to address me in accordance with royal etiquette." A note of sadness permeated Celestia's voice. "But do lighten up. Like I said, you're among friends here!"
"I highly doubt that, Your Highness," I said. "I find I'm only among friends when I'm alone."
"Is that so?" she asked. "You sound like an old student of mine. In time she learned the error of her ways. I can only hope to teach you the same lesson."
"If you must, Your Highness, I wish you the best of luck," I said. "Because you'll certainly need it. But you didn't bring me all the way here just to make friendly conversation, did you? I would humbly request that we get down to business. You have questions, I have answers."
"So be it," Celestia said. "You're right, I do have questions. But first I'd like you to tell me your story in your own words. It'll give me a better idea of which questions need to be asked. The floor is yours, Mr. Parker. Tell me about your world, your people, your United States of America, and yourself."
My eyes bulged. Hoo boy. Where do I begin?