“Get off already!!!”
“But Inspector! You’re bleeding!”
“GET!!!” screamed Babs Seed, and the concerned guard leaped back and reluctantly returned to his post. She knew she was bleeding; she had put up with the repulsively wet and hot sensation on her back during the entirety of that nightmarishly uncomfortable ride back to Canterlot, but it had long-since stopped itself. At some point in Broncton, no doubt when that rubble landed on her back, something had left a nasty cut between her shoulders. Babs was beyond caring by now; she was stiff, tired, in pain, and absolutely fed up with the day’s turn of events. As she walked slowly through the rather dreary corridors of the palace, all she could think about was calling it quits for the day. She would head home, treat herself to a good bath, and lay down with her cat for a twelve-hour sleep.
That’s exactly what’s happenin’, too. I’ve done more than enough for the week; I’m goin’ home.
She caught a glimpse of Starlight as she rounded the corner, and his face lit up with surprise as he looked her way. “Boss!” he screamed as he nearly tripped over his spear to run to her, “Boss, where have— you’re bleeding!”
“I know,” said Babs, making every effort to not be rude to her concerned friend, “It ain’t bad; my coat stopped it.”
The worry in his eyes softened and he managed a slight smile. “That’s a relief,” he said, glancing between her face and the deep red patch that adorned her back, “we were all worried sick. And, uh, listen. While you were out, you had a visitor. They’re still waiting for you in your office; you don’t want to keep this one waiting.”
“Sorry, Star. I’m goin’ home. Tell them to come back in a day or two.”
He made a nervous laugh that was utterly devoid of any humor. “Boss, uh, you really need to see this visitor right now.”
“I said ‘not now!’” snapped Babs as the dull pain in her back and her frustration took control, “I’m goin’ home and gettin’ some rest! Ain’t that what you’ve been pesterin’ me about over and over?!”
“Babs!” he yelled in stern desperation as he slapped his armored hooves onto her shoulders and pushed her in the direction of her door. “Go. In. Your. Office!” he said, giving a rude shove in time with each word.
“Star…” she said in a scolding tone as he guided her through the door, “I swear if this ain’t the single most important visitor I’ve ever had I’ll—”
—and Babs fell into stunned silence and didn’t even hear Starlight hurriedly duck out the door. The ‘visitor’ was reclining on her back on the old sofa to the rear of the office with her hind legs crossed one over the other, humming absent-mindedly to herself. Her silk socks and royal regalia had been taken off and laid out on the floor in front of her, leaving only the bright red under vest, and she held one hoof out with a small file working itself back and forth in a soft glow of purple. The Princess perked up when she noticed she had company, and she smiled pleasantly. “There you are, Inspector, I was beginning to worry.”
“Your H-Highness!!!” sputtered Babs Seed as she fell into a sloppy bow and buried her face in her hooves, praying the Princess hadn’t heard her argument outside the door. “I… I…”
“Take it easy, now. I…” she trailed off and jogged from the couch to stand in front of Babs and stare at the stained coat. “Oh, dear, that looks bad.”
“It’s not, I… It just… I…” said Babs, barely able to get a word out through her nervousness.
“Inspector, um… at ease? Please? Relax, for goodness sake.” The Princess groaned a sound of frustration and mild amusement. The door and curtains were pulled shut with a faint glow, following the dull snaps and clicks of locks and deadbolts to secure the room. “There,” said the Princess with a smile, “We’re in private. Can you just drop all the bowing and sputtering so we can speak, one on one?”
Babs exhaled nervously and shakily stood up. “Yes. Uh, your Highness.”
The Princess looked about the room until she found the small first-aid kit Babs kept the desk, and without warning her upper body was lifted from the ground by an unseen force. Slowly and deliberately the Princess’ magic peeled the coat from the wound on her back, making her cringe at the feeling of her flesh releasing its grip on her garment.
“Now then,” said the Princess as she studied the wound, “I understand there was an, um, incident in Broncton earlier? Care to explain?”
Babs swallowed as she hung helplessly in the air. “Y-yes, your Highness. I wa-haaaaaAAAA!!!” She snapped her teeth together to cut off the abrupt cry and hissed as her back erupted in burning pain as disinfectant did its job on her wound.
The Princess shushed Babs as she went quiet as she applied a large pad to the wound and wrapped it in gauze, and then lowered Babs to the floor to meet her gaze with a knowing smirk. “Yes,” she said with a guilty sigh, “Featherweight truly is effective, but crude. I am rather ashamed to admit I tend to turn my blind eye to his shortcomings as he does get results, but I will have to keep in mind to give his leash a yank from time to time. However, I expect the next time you have an issue with one under my direct command, that you do not under any circumstances take matters into your own hooves like that. Do not let that happen again, understand? The only reason I am being lenient, the only reason, is as a personal favor to Captain Rumble. Do I make myself clear?”
“Yes, your highness. I understand. It won’t happen again.” Babs Seed shifted her body back and forth to get used to the tight wrappings around her body. “T-thank you, for this, your Highness,” she said softly.
“Receiving medical care from a princess. Feel free to check that one off of your bucket list,” said the Princess, who returned the kit to where she had found it and turned back to Babs with a raised eyebrow. “Now that is not the only reason I am here, by the way.”
Babs suddenly felt a cold twinge sear through her body. The Princess’ tone had suddenly turned so professional and somewhat cold that she wanted nothing more to spin around and run from the office.
“How, may I ask, did you get to Broncton so quickly?” she said in an accusatory tone, “That was a classified mission. How in the world did you figure to go there?”
“A hunch,” said Babs nervously.
“Be specific.”
Babs bit her lip. She hadn’t decided whether that captain’s tip was intentional or a genuine slip of the tongue; he was just too hard to read. Either way she didn’t want to throw him under the trolley. “It was mostly a wild guess. Enough guards were searching the city and surrounding areas; I chased the possibility she’d escaped by train. There were only a few that ran at that time; it seemed logical she’d take the one to the remotest location.”
The Princess furrowed her brow and turned her face slightly, putting Babs in the dead-center of her lone eye’s field of vision as it silently judged. She turned and paced about the room for a moment in deep thought before perking up with a sly smile. “Well. You are either the luckiest mare in Equestria, or the best inspector I have ever seen. Hopefully both. In any event, whatever it is, I want it. As of today you are directly commissioned by me.” She took Babs Seed’s badge and strapped a small golden band around it that bore her cutie mark. “You have no idea how important that crown of mine truly is. Get it back and capture Silver Spoon no matter the cost.”
“Your Highness, I…”
“Don’t be nervous,” interrupted the Princess. “I have faith in you; I know all about you. You were born and raised in Manehattan. You graduated from the academy with stellar physical and above average academic scores, failing only Equestrian history and passing the retest with 86 percent. You are a former member of Captain Rumble’s Stormfront Unit, a veteran of the Crystal Empire Assault, and attained the rank of Staff Sergeant. You suffered a collapsed lung among… other injuries, were declared unfit to serve in combat, and are currently employed as an inspector in Canterlot’s Criminal Investigation Department with fourteen solved cases under your belt and two, sorry, now three pending. You are currently single, having once been in a relationship with Captain Rumble. You take prescription cough suppressants for your lung and over-the-counter moisturizers for the patch of eczema on your hind right knee.”
Babs could only stare at the Princess in silent awe, and judging from the reaction she received for it, it was exactly the expression the Princess had been hoping for.
“I read your file on the way over,” said the Princess with a happy laugh as she tapped her forehead, “What goes in, never comes out.” She looked down and patted her cutie mark, a black vortex, and chuckled again. “It is my talent. Or curse. Usually both.”
Babs Seed mulled over this turn of events and found herself fighting the urge to smile; true she had been forced into it, but ‘it’ happened to be a rather prime opportunity. Holding the Princess’ commission was one of the highest positions available in Equestria’s forces: only Rumble and Major Lightning Dust held higher positions, being commissioned directly by her Majesty the Queen. She bowed as perfectly as she could, “It will be an honor, your Highness.”
The Princess returned the bow. “I will check in from time to time to keep my eye on you progress. And Inspector? I am willing to bet you have considered this as well.” She leaned in uncomfortably close, so close Babs could feel her breath against her ear, and spoke quietly, “I am beginning to suspect there may be a traitor amongst us.”
“I did consider it,” whispered Babs Seed.
“It would be somepony who knows the palace grounds like the back of their hoof. As of yet, I am not ruling anypony out; Do you know what my mother used to say about assuming?”
“Makes an ass out of you and me,” said Babs, “My mom said the same thing.”
“You know what, Babs Seed? This might just be the start of a rather fine friendship. Just fine.” The Princess walked casually across the room and picked up her clothing. “Until we know who it is, or confirm that they don’t exist, keep your commission a secret. Pick one deputy. One you trust.”
“I have one in mind already, your Highness,” said Babs confidently, “but your Highness? Not that I question the importance of your crown, but what about the airpony killer and the archer? I can’t just forget about a pair of ponies who turned weapons on our own forces.”
“Oh, yes you can,” said the Princess with a cruel smile, “Trust me. It has already been taken care of. I sent Stormfront after them. You of all ponies know just how good they are at, um, cleaning up.”
Babs swallowed loudly; she was well aware. Her old unit was made up of the absolute cream of the crop. They were the best the guard had to offer, and led by her ex-fiancé Rumble. Among other talents, he was scarily adept at tracking with a good lead. Babs didn’t even want to think about what would happen to those two if he did find them.
Which he will.
“Your face says it all,” said the Princess, “We can go ahead and consider those two loose ends tied up in a nice little bow. Featherweight already has something: a positive ID on the archer.”
“Who is it?”
“It doesn’t matter,” said the Princess as she headed for the door, “Now if there is nothing else you need of me, I will excuse myself.”
Babs Seed was silent as her new ‘friend’ walked casually out of her office, being followed out of sight by the slowly fading sound of hoofsteps in the corridor. She stared down at her new badge and took a moment to mull things over before going to find her soon-to-be deputy.
“I-Inspector?” said a meek voice at the door.
“Yeah?” she said passively.
Featherweight entered cautiously, sporting a rather glaring black eye crowned with a scabbed-over scuff on his forehead. He moved slowly with his tail dangling lifelessly from his rear, and was followed by a pony Babs didn’t recognize. “Inspector? We need to talk,” he said with a shaky voice and an uneasy smile.
“What do you want?”
“Y-you have to understand,” he said, “You know I would have come right to you with that Intel, of course you do, but I was ordered by the Major to keep silent. You understand, given my, eh, position, my former allegiance with those Rainbolt twits, that I walk on thin ice and don’t enjoy the same lenience with orders that others do, yes? Especially, I might add, with this latest turn of events?”
Babs rolled her eyes and nodded. “Fine,” said Babs. “So do you have anything for me this time?”
His smile was uncomfortably creepy, showing off all of his gangly teeth. “No information, no, not for you. My hooves are tied. But perhaps we can work out a compromise. Something better, perhaps. Him.”
Babs jumped back and dropped low, ready to fight, as the ‘pony’ that accompanied Featherweight went up in a flash of green flame, leaving a changeling in its place. It stood motionlessly and Babs Seed sneered, “What exactly do you intend I do with it?”
“He’s yours,” said Featherweight. “Do with him as you see fit. He’ll follow your every command. He will be infinitesimally valuable for gathering information. I’m sure a pony as clever as you will find uses for him, very sure. Now, heh, there is no need to tell the Captain about our little, um, scuffle, yes?”
Now I get it.
“Sure,” she said dryly, “Just go and send Starlight my way and I’ll zip my lip. Good?”
“Very good, yes!” he said with an eager grin and scuttled out the door, “I’ll just leave you two to get acquainted.”
She watched with distain until he had crossed the doorway and was out of her sight, and then turned to face this… thing she had been given. She sighed dramatically and shifted under her bandages once more, “What am I goin’ to do with you?”
The changeling was motionless like a statue, reminiscent of a dog that was awaiting an order from its master, and it was enough to give her the creeps. Babs Seed did not like changelings; she wasn’t a fan of bugs of any kind, especially full-sized ponyesque ones that could disguise themselves at will. As far as she knew pretty much everypony in the palace felt the exact same way; she wouldn’t be at all surprised if the only reason Featherweight was even kept around was because he somehow had a knack for tolerating their company.
“You have a name?” she said, and the creature cocked its head and made a faint sound not unlike a chirp. “Can you even speak?” Again it said nothing and merely stood still, watching her with its pupil-less eyes. “Can you do anythin?” she said, beginning to get fed up with it, “Do me.”
On command a burst of green flame coiled around its body and illuminated her office enough to make her step back. The ‘fire’ licked away its chitinous body and left a perfect imitation of her in its place. Everything from the size to the shape was perfect; there was not even the slightest inaccuracy right down to her freckles and one out-of-place tuft of hair on her coat. She reached out and touched its face, cool to the touch, and it mimicked her movements precisely to do the same.
“Not bad at all…” she said, genuinely impressed. “Now can you speak? Say somethin’.”
“Somethin’,” it quipped in a stunning facsimile of her voice.
“Great, it’s sarcastic too,” she said quietly. “Now we’re gettin’ somewhere. I think I can come up with a use or two for you. Alright, good enough. Lose the disguise.”
“Boss, what did—” began Starlight as he entered her office and immediately went quiet at the sight of the changeling turning back to its true shape. “Yeesh…” he said in a hateful tone, “What is that thing doing in here?”
Babs gave it a friendly pat on the shoulder, making it recoil and briefly flash its teeth. “Whoa-ho now, killer,” she said to it, “It’s a peace offerin’ from Featherweight. Get used to bright-eyes here, too, you and he are gonna be seein’ a lot of each other. You’re my deputy. Congratulations.”
“What?! What are—”
She cut him off by holding her new badge in his face. “Desperate times, Star. The Princess was here to promote me and send me after her crown. I need a deputy. That’s you.”
“I’m not even an inspector!” whined her unwilling deputy, “I’m a bloody sentry! I failed law in Basic, remember? All I do is patrol the grounds for crying out loud! I can’t do it!”
“I know, but you’re the only guard in this entire palace I trust, Starlight. And I have faith in you. And are you really going to leave me alone with this guy?” She gestured at the changeling, who looked back and forth between the two ponies uncomfortably, and then she smiled. “Besides, you don’t have a choice, so sit your butt down and I’ll explain everythin’.”
With the most mournful look a white pegasus could give, Starlight did as he was told and headed for the couch with his shoulders draping. Babs Seed’s peace offering watched him and flashed an expectant look at her, waiting until she nodded gently to do the same and flew lazily with a soft buzz to join him. Starlight cringed as it sat too close and scooched a leg’s width away.
“Alright, you two,” she said softly, “Here’s what we already know…”