//------------------------------// // Chapter 34: A Guy's Perspective // Story: Trip Of A Lifetime // by Tailslover13 //------------------------------// “You’re an ass, you know that? I could add a few choice words to ‘ass’ to better make my case, but I won’t.” “Yeah? Well, you’re a jerk, so how about that? Simple, to the point, and perfectly justified.” “I’m also getting sick and tired of getting my butt handed to me by all of you stupid animals!” “Maybe you should learn how to fight? Or maybe you should actually try being nice for once?” “I don’t get paid to be nice.” “You don’t get paid at all.” “Have I mentioned just how much I hate dragons?” Traversing down the trail leading away from Zecora’s hut was no picnic, especially when dealing with a snooty dragon, Josh found out. The claw marks his body was now decorated with only served to further irritate the stallion. He could now add Spike to his list of beaters, joining the ranks of Applejack, Rarity, Derpy Hooves, and Angel. It really did seem that Josh was going for the gold in getting beaten up by the most colorful assortment of creatures. He had now been beaten by all three breeds of pony, a rabbit, and a dragon. He could only imagine what was next on the list. Josh shot Spike dirty looks out of the corner of his eye as he stomped down the path alongside the baby dragon. Spike reciprocated all the looks with ones of equal or possibly greater value. The dragon wasn’t really that amused when Josh first came to Equestria, since the human had been making him more and more easy to ignore. The fact that he was hogging a lot of Twilight and Rarity’s attention didn’t help the matter. Plus, the fact that Josh had laughed at him when he slept over at Twilight’s home one night for sleeping in a tiny basket further angered the dragon. Easy to say, being sent to find and retrieve him wasn’t a rather enjoyable feeling. “What’re you looking at?” Spike snapped, catching Josh glaring at him for a longer period of time than the usual five seconds. “Whatever I want, fool. If you don’t like it, go find a cliff to jump off!” Josh spat back, attempting to use his tail to slap Spike’s rump, but still finding it difficult to actually do so. A week was not enough time to get used to a new body. “Look, I don’t know what your game is, but I sure don’t like it!” Spike cracked his knuckles once more, silently threatening Josh and daring him to say something to provoke him again. “Ever since you came here, your agenda has been nothing more than to hurt ponies and hog Twilight and Rarity. Thanks to you, Rarity hardly calls me over to help her anymore, and Twilight has been doing most of my chores herself due to trying to find out more about you!” Josh caught the flicker of pain in Spike’s eyes, causing the former human to smirk deviously and realize what this was really about. “Aww, isn’t that cute? The poor little dragon is jealous of the handsome, intelligent, freaking-amazing guy who came from another world taking the stupid females out of his life. Does the poor baby need his bottle and a pacifier? Maybe a little cuddle to stop the crocodile tears?” Simply put, Josh was no longer in school, so the lessons of life continued to go as a failing grade on his report card. All that the inferno within Spike’s eyes caused was an uproar of laughter from Josh, the stallion falling over and going into hysterics. Spike was trembling in a silent rage, both fists clenched with his fangs bared as he glowered at the laughing, mocking stallion beneath his feet. His usually-serene and playful emerald slits compiling his eye sockets were now replaced with deadly, fiery crimson pupils. The dragon’s heart pounded inside his heart, each laugh from Josh inciting more and more rage within him. Never before had he wanted so badly to show the true merit of a dragon’s claws and fangs on another living being, pony or not. After a good full minute of constant and immature giggling without hearing so much as a peep out of his victim of mockery, Josh tried to calm down and take a few deep breaths. All that laughing was hard on the stomach, after all. His cheeks were now red and he could feel tears getting ready to fall as well. Since he wasn’t getting pummeled to death by Spike, Josh assumed that the dragon had simply stomped off to go and cry somewhere. He was incredibly surprise, and possibly even a little perplexed, when he looked up a moment later and found a snarling Spike standing over him with his fists squeezed together. The usual green eyes were now almost a blood red, but Josh figured it was the reflection of the sun through the trees on Spike’s face. “What’s the matter, little baby? Cat got your tongue? Or, rather, Josh got your tongue?” Josh teased, sticking his tongue out up at Spike, hoping to hear him growl or at least see him stomp his feet and throw a fit. When none of this occurred, and Spike continued to give Josh a rather insidious, hungry look, the stallion frowned a little. “Oh, come on, that was funny! The least you could do is yell at me and tell me to go to hell…or the equivalent of that here in Equestria, since I don’t think you Equestrians use words like that.” “Must…restrain…self…” Spike uttered, his voice deep and ragged, as though he was trying desperately to not scream or show his true feelings, “Must…not…do…something…that will make Rarity horrified…and Twilight disappointed…” “Okay, this isn’t really my style, but…dude, you are seriously henpecked!” Rising up to his hooves, Josh casually brushed a few stray leaves off his body before getting into Spike’s snarling face. “Here you are, running errands for that nerdy purple mare and worrying about what that fornicating white unicorn thinks about you. Girls are nice and all, but the moment you let one start to dictate your life and boss you around is the day you lost your masculinity. It’s one reason why I myself have never had a girl.” At first, Spike wanted to lunge forward and sink his fangs into Josh’s face, ripping him to shreds. But, when he actually tried to make a point, he paused and tilted his head a little. “Huh? Uh…what exactly does ‘fornicating’ mean?” “You don’t need to know that.” Scowling, Spike crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes. “Okay, well…look, Twilight doesn’t ‘run my life’ or anything, okay? She’s just…well, she’s a really special pony and I’ve known her since the day I was born. She hatched me from an egg, and she’s cared for me ever since.” “Ah…so, she’s your surrogate mother? Charming.” Josh rolled his eyes, muttering to himself a little. “A pony hatching a dragon. Only in Equestria!” “AS FOR RARITY…okay, I really have a deep crush on her…” Spike continued, glaring at Josh for a moment before nervously glancing down at his squirming feet. “When I’m around her, she just makes my heart soar…” “Cliché romantic insignia brought on by foolish and weak-minded feelings in an otherwise lovesick and sexual heart. Charming.” Josh snickered at his little interruption, failing to notice the way Spike was restraining his fists from reaching up towards his neck. “But, please, do continue. It’s always so much more interesting to hear about such pathetic romantic flatteries in real life rather than the movies, since it’s much easier to laugh at that way.” “You are a coldhearted creep. You know that, right?” “Indeed I do.” “Well, so long as you know.” Shrugging, Spike turned away from Josh and began continuing down the Everfree Forest path, knowing that Josh would follow him. “See, I fell for Rarity when I first laid eyes on her. I’ll admit that I just fell for her looks at first, but the more I got to know her, the deeper my feelings resonated for her.” The little dragon began to sigh, clutching his heart and dreamily glancing up towards the canopy of the dark forest. Behind him, Josh’s silent hacking went ignored. “She’s the most caring, most graceful, most generous pony I could’ve ever met. Her voice is the music to my ears that I could listen to every moment for the rest of my life. The way she gives me hugs makes me just want to melt into the floor. It’s just…everything about her…she’s the pony of my dreams!” Forcing an exaggerated and unnecessary yawn, Josh casually swiped at Spike’s swishing tail as he drew level with the dazed dragon. “Touching, but you know what smells? The amount of crap you’re spewing from your lips about such ignorant feelings of grandeur involving a stupid horse.” “SHUT UP!” Spike roared, violently yanking his tail away and taking a vicious swipe at Josh with his claws, missing the stallion’s left cheek by inches. “INSULT ME, BUT YOU DO NOT INSULT RARITY!” “Are you really this stupid? Fine, let me lay it out for you, since you are too dimwitted to see it yourself.” Taking a sidestep away from the enraged green and purple reptile, Josh stared him right in the eye. “First of all, you fall for a girl purely based on her looks; that is always a red flag. The more beautiful a girl, the more annoying and usually eviler they are. Plus, crap like that only works in the movies, and even then it’s usually full of chaos and unwanted drama.” “I told you already, that’s NOT why I love her…at least not anymore! At first, yes, I fell for her looks. But now, it’s her personality I love, not just her looks!” “Which leads me to my next point,” Josh continued, moving a little closer to Spike and further encasing his hard stare on the dragon. “Rarity basically has you doing a lot of chores for her, right? Doesn’t Twilight make you do the same things, only with books and junk instead?” “Er…well, sure…I do favors for both girls. Come to think of it, I do favors for any pony that needs help.” At this, Spike proudly patted his chest and closed his eyes, basking in the apparent glory he felt at being so helpful. “Heh, I’m really just a nice little dragon. I don’t know what the ponies would do without me always at their side.” Josh stared at Spike for a long time, shaking his head in disgust. “Spike…do you ever hang out with any guys? Or…anything that isn’t a female pony?” “Uh…guys?” Spike raised a claw to his chin as he pondered Josh’s question. He racked his mind for any occurrences where he was in the presence of a male for longer than one minute. All he continued to come back to was Twilight and her group of five friends, not to mention Princess Celestia during the past where Twilight lived in Canterlot. “Not that I know of. The only male I really know is Big Macintosh, and I’m not sure if I’ve ever actually spoken directly to him before. Then there were these dragons that I tried to fit in with, but…it didn’t really work out.” “So every single day of your life, you are constantly in the presence of females and nothing but females. Is that what I’m hearing from you, Spike?” “Yeah, I suppose so. What’s your point?” “My point is that…back on my world, if boys heard about your lifestyle, you would either be called gay, a pimp, a player, or sexist.” It wasn’t Josh turn to shift and start trotting ahead, leaving a stunned and utterly mortified Spike in his wake. “W-w-wait just a darn second! W-w-what’s that supposed to mean?” After regaining his composure, Spike waddled after Josh as fast as he could, reaching out and tugging on Josh’s tail when all he got was snickering in return. “Tell me what’s so bad about spending time with girls so much! I like girls!” “And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, if you like being treated like a slave and not have the joy of taking part in male stuff.” Flicking his tail away from Spike, the stallion turned his head back around and gave the dragon a genuine smile. “Why don’t you ditch Twilight and her stupid orders and hang out with me for a while?” Spike’s eyebrow quickly rose in suspicion, the dragon eying Josh closely. “You…want me to hang out with you? The rude stallion who constantly hurts my friends and steals Rarity’s attention from me? The rotten pony that is trying to make me ignore Twilight’s orders despite all she’s done for me? The manipulative guy who was just fighting with me and trying to incite my inner rage?” “Yep. You really need a break from those girls, Spike. Trust me, it’ll be good for you.” “And why should I believe you? You’ve caused nothing but trouble since you’ve come here, and every time I hear something about you, it usually involves you hurting a pony!” Spike crossed his arms and tapped his foot impatiently. “Besides, I thought you hated all of us. What happened to that, huh?” Upon hearing Spike’s constant accusations and suspicions, Josh sighed and sat down on the path. He was struggling to understand himself why he was wanting to hang out with a baby dragon that he personally found idiotic and girlish. Not only that, but he also couldn’t stop thinking how ‘Spike’ was a name for a dog, not a dragon. “Well, the thing about that…Spike…is that you…well…” “Yeah?” Spike prodded, leaning forward and raising an eyebrow curiously. “C’mon, out with it. Why do you want to hang with me?” He’s waiting for an answer. We COULD just silence him with a swift punch in the face, or even to the man region. Hey, in fact, why not do that? We haven’t had a chance to deal a good blow to the man zone yet, since there are hardly ANY males on this stupid world! Why not tell him to shut the hell up, buck him right in the crotch, then proudly march on? “Males don’t do that to other males!” Josh snarled, slapping at his head and scowling. “Even I wouldn’t be okay with that! That’s a cowardly move for females, but NOT for males. We’re better than taking a cheap shot at that area. Real guys duke it out with their fists and their legs and possibly their heads, but not using unfair blows like that!” Whatever. You are such a baby. What about that one dude you nailed in the crotch back in tenth grade? You remember, right? It was in the locker room after a physical game of floor hockey? “That was different! He had me cornered and by the throat! My arms weren’t long enough to push him away, so I HAD to use my foot. It just so happened that my foot connected with the area that I wasn’t intending to hit. I honestly was trying to take out his legs and make him fall.” Do whatever the hell you want. I already succeeded in making you look like a retard anyway, so I guess that’s another bit of karma for you to add to your ever-growing list of unfortunate circumstances. “What’s that supposed to mean?” But, Josh got his answer when he saw Spike giving him a strange look. Apparently, talking to yourself while in the presence of another, especially involving a male’s crotch, wasn’t all that common in Equestria. “Oh, uh…heh…sorry, Spike, I was just talking to…uh…myself.” “Yeah…I kinda…figured.” Spike took a large step back, his eyes focused squarely on Josh’s face. “Uh, do you always…talk to yourself…like that? If you like, I can ask Twilight about this and see if it’s a medical condition. She’s pretty good with helping out ponies who…aren’t quite right. See, this one time, she helped Rainbow Dash…” “Can we please just get back to the matter at hand?” “Oh, right. So, why do you want to hang out with me?” Realizing he was right back at square one, Josh moaned and hid his face with both hooves. “Spike, it’s because…well…ugh, I miss hanging out with boys!” Tilting his head and now focusing squarely on the ground, Josh sighed deeply. He didn’t want to meet Spike’s eyes and see a smug expression when he confessed his feelings. “See, back on my home world…males are so much more enjoyable to hang out with. Sure, males and females are supposed to love each other and all that junk, but…when it comes to just spending time together and having a blast, you should do it with your own gender.” “See, my mom always liked to talk to her girlfriends, go shopping with them, get her hair done with them, and a whole bunch of other stuff that makes me want to puke. For me…hey, the girls loved me. They were always ogling me in school, since I was so totally smart! But, the fact is…they’re boring otherwise. I had this one…friend, I guess…Robert. He and I always played computer games at lunchtime, we always talked about our homework, we talked about our classes…heck, he even drove me to an orchestra recital once since I didn’t own a car! It was…well…even though I know it was fake, since all friends are fake…it was some of the most enjoyable times of my usually-painful days.” Pulling away one of his hooves from his face, Josh used it to sadly swirl a picture of a circle on the ground in front of him. “I did have a step-brother growing up, but he was thirteen years older than me and usually just abused me. But, he did take me driving with his big truck once in the mountains, and even let me go skiing with him, go trick-or-treating with him, and he even played video games with me! Do you know just how AWFUL it is playing video games with a girl?” Josh shivered at the thought. “I tried playing them with my mom, my step-sister, and even a few other girls. It was…god-awful. I just wanted to die.” Josh’s eyes shut again after he drew a straight line through his circle, breaking it in two. “But, eventually, my step-brother moved out, I graduated from school, and…I lost touch with everyone. See what I mean? They were all fakes. If they had really cared so much about me, they would’ve called me or looked me up. I tried myself to contact them, but it was a no-go. They never answered. I was left playing video games forever by myself…and never having anyone to play with or talk to…or anything. I like being alone and all, but…but…” Josh’s voice trailed off, the mellow tone now evident in his speech and story. “But sometimes you just need someone there to let you know you’re alive and that you matter.” Josh gasped, lifting his head and finding Spike standing over him. His arms were still crossed, but his smile was warm and inviting. His eyes didn’t show any malice or anger, and he didn’t look smug or amused in the least. He actually looked sympathetic. “Is that what you were going to say? Or…something along those lines?” “Shut up! I…I’m not that weak! I…I was going to say…er…well, I was going to say that…while I like being alone and all, I also…um…need someone close by that is of less or equal intelligence to me so that it makes me feel good about myself?” As soon as his usual protest escaped his lips, the stallion widened his eyes and slapped a hoof over his mouth. He can’t believe he just said what he did. Nice. You just made yourself look like a dumbass and a wimp. Can I please get myself transferred to a body that actually NEEDS a new brain? I hear that Pinkie Pie was looking for one. Instead of flashing a smug grin and breaking down into a laughing riot, Spike just shook his head and continued to smile warmly. “Okay, look. I can’t say I know what’s going on inside your head…I doubt that anyone does. But, I went through hardships before where I almost lost Twilight over a silly bird, so I don’t want to cast someone aside just because they’re…odd. Whatever the reason…eh, I suppose that ditching Twilight for once and ignoring Rarity just for a little bit won’t be that bad. I’ll hang out with ya, alright?” How DARE he compare my painful memories to ONE stupid event in his life involving a stupid bird! Can he really say that THAT counts as true hardship? Ha! What a complete and utter…wait, did he just say that he agrees? “Wait…you will?” Josh had to shake his head and slap himself, inciting a whine out of himself, to make sure he had heard Spike clearly. “You do realize that I still despise all you Equestrians, right? Plus, I thought you were mad about all the apparent pain I’ve caused while I’ve been here.” “There’ll be plenty of time to kick your butt and teach you some manners later,” Spike grinned, finally producing the smug look that Josh had been expecting a while ago, “Don’t fret about not liking me; I still don’t like you, either. But, I’m not just going to walk away from you when you want to simply hang out.” Spike fidgeted with his claws for a moment, shyly peering down and glancing at the little symbol Josh had made in the dirt. “Um…but, I don’t really…know what to do in the presence of…well, another guy. As you said, I haven’t…well, really been around any.” Josh felt as though a small flame had been ignited inside his heart. Strange thoughts continued to flash through his mind as he stared at the nervous dragon. It was so odd. Why was he suddenly wanting to hang out with Spike, when he had never shown any interest in the dragon before? Well, besides shaking his hand at the very start of his stay in Equestria. It was confusing, but with each and every pony that Josh was starting to grudgingly get to know, it was like a strenuous task or chore to be around them. Plus, they were just so aggravating, loud, obnoxious, flirty, and downright irritating. Spike was not only a non-pony, but he was a male. He had shown the least amount of interest in Josh from the very start, too. Was it maybe because of the fact that Spike and Josh didn’t want to hang out with each other that Josh was now wanting to spend time with the little dragon? Josh just couldn’t understand the weird, happy feeling his heart was filling his body with. To know that he had been the one to ask to hang out instead of vice versa with a female pony was so exhilarating to him. He was finally going to get some quality time with another male. Maybe…maybe this is exactly what I needed all along, Josh thought, moving a little closer to Spike, Perhaps…I just needed someone to talk to…who actually KNOWS me. Well, he’s still an idiot, and he’s still a girly moron from this stupid world of Equestria. Oh, and he also seems to not really know ANYTHING about being a true male, not to mention he’s a dragon and I’m really a human. Don’t all video games usually say that humans and dragons are mortal enemies? Ugh, there are SO many reasons why I shouldn’t be excited for this, but…well, I’m excited anyway. “Spike…thank you.” Reaching over, Josh found himself extending one of his hooves and pulling Spike into a hug. Hugging a male wasn’t unusual for him; whenever excited, he would usually hug one of his male friends back in school. Naturally, they would always get creeped out, but Josh didn’t care. He always did whatever his brain was telling him to do. “Don’t you worry; you and I are gonna raise a little hell and have a great day just being normal guys and not sissy servants or girly maids!” Already slightly unnerved from being hugged by possibly the most violent, most antisocial, most unusual person Spike had already met, the dragon pushed past the added insults and confusion over what it meant to ‘raise a little hell’ to focus on one final issue. “What about the antidote, Josh? Don’t you want to be human again? I thought you hated your pony form.” Oh, right…totally forgot about that. Josh peered behind his back at his saddlebag which contained the small flask with the cure to one of his biggest headaches. He had been wanting to get his handsome human form back for quite some time now. All he had to do was get to a bathtub. Surely it wouldn’t take more than five minutes tops. “Eh…you know what, Spike? I think I can put that on hiatus for a while.” Spike’s jaw almost hit the ground upon hearing Josh’s statement. “Wait, excuse me?!?! Are you saying that you’d much rather hang out with me than turn yourself back into a human?” “Don’t get me wrong; I miss being myself and I’ll have to do it sometime. But…well…” He hesitated, releasing Spike and frowning a little, concentrating on what he could say. He didn’t really want to admit he wanted to hang out with Spike more than changing back into a human as soon as possible. “…you see, the thing is…if I was a human, I would be even BIGGER than you than I am right now! I totally do not want you to feel uncomfortable or anything, so…” The eye-rolling commenced almost immediately. Spike really should’ve seen that one coming. “Uh-huh, sure, whatever you say. So…do you wanna let me go now so we can…uh…get started, or whatever?” “Huh?” Josh soon came to realize he was still holding the dragon in a rather tight and close embrace. “Oh, right. Sorry. My hooves must’ve thought you were a kitty cat and just didn’t want to let you go. Cats are my favorite animals, you see.” He let Spike go. “Right.” Spike’s deadpan sarcasm was enough to challenge Josh’s masterful displays sometimes. “Don’t you sass me. Now, c’mon, let’s get going! Race you to the forest entrance, Spike-A-Rooney!” Playfully shoving the baby dragon into the brush, Josh hightailed it down the rest of the Everfree path. “What’d you call me? HEY!” Spike yelped as he was pushed into the nearby shrubs, wincing in pain as his butt landed on a nest of acorns that was oddly sitting in a neat pile on the ground. “Ow! Hey, Josh, get back here! I think there’s an acorn stuck in my rump. You’ll pay for this! HEY!” As the two boys, one genuinely laughing and having a good time and the other one cursing and holding his rump, raced down the Everfree Forest path, both of them failed to notice the pink pony trot back onto the scene. She was trotting with three hooves, one still held over her mouth, while carrying a pile of acorns on her back. Pinkie was getting hungry waiting for Josh to come and tell her that she could move and talk again, so she had been gathering acorns and placing them in a neat pile inside one of the bushes near the tree she had been sitting beside the entire time. She had been planning to eat them by slipping them up behind the hoof over her mouth without actually pulling said hoof away. “Mmmph? MMMPH!” Pinkie’s muffled cries of rage and annoyance echoed through the forest when she saw her acorns had been scattered and smashed. The earth pony angrily bounced up and down with three hooves, gritting her teeth and sinking them into the clasped hoof over her lips. Somepony was going to pay for destroying her snack. It was HARD finding acorns in the Everfree Forest.