The Fall of Uber Villain Guy -or- Is that Burnt Ham I Smell?
By Nuki Mouse
Note: UBER MARY SUE's never work unless in a total parody. This parody started out as part of a posted review (by me) on Ponychan of a way over the top Uber Villain Sue called Cold-eye in another’s story. Thanks to Midnight Shadow for proof-reading this and correcting all my many grammar & spelling errors.
The golden sun shone brightly through the high arched windows of the grand throne room, its rays illuminating the modest 20 tiered golden dais capped with a very plain and understated ivory and mother of pearl divan, and upholstered with mediocre quality Corinthian leather. Casually reclining upon the divan was the always-humble alicorn Celestia, Crown Princess of Equestria, Ruler of Canterlot, Supreme Commander of the Royal Guard, Head-Filly of the Royal Academy, and Goddess of the Sun.
Nearby, off to the left and slightly behind a support column, was a regal single-tier dais made of the finest plywood and PVC the Palace coffee fund could spare, and elegantly appointed with cushions from such elite suppliers as “Holiday Barn”, “Comfort Stalls” and “Stable-Six”. Upon them squatted the noble and aloof Luna, princess without a kingdom, temporary ruler of the local servants union, new head maid of the royal household and goddess (pro-tem) of the moon.
Before the two sisters were arrayed the kingdom’s finest defenders, the Elements of Harmony, otherwise known as the Mane Six. There was a sudden BOOM and the mighty doors of the throne room were ripped ajar. There stood the kingdom’s ultimate Nemesis, Uber Villain Guy.
“CELESTIA,” bellowed Uber, “It is time for you to die and your kingdom to fall!”
Celestia’s two ever present and loyal Royal Guards seized their weapons, turned, and galloped like hell out of the throne room.
“I’m only in this for the College fund!” yelled loyal Guard #1.
“Right behind ya bro,” answered loyal Guard #2.
“Twilight, my beloved pawn... I mean STUDENT,” cried Celestia, “I implore you and your friends to make the supreme sacrifice to save me... um... the kingdom!”
"Oh no, without my books to consult first,” whined Twilight, “what can I do?”
"Watch me! I’ll just fly headlong into certain...” but surely 20% cooler than most, hoped Dash, “...death!" Moments later to everypony’s surprise, she literally did just that.
“I reck'n I'll just throw me some apple pies at ya, y'all might taste one 'n turn good.” Heck it worked once before, thought AJ.
"Bleat!" cried out Fluttershy as she rolled over on her back. "Shush," she whispered, "I'm doing my fainting goat impersonation again!"
"Darling, how can you stand to be seen like that? I mean really, flat black with dull gray highlights? You should know that this season's colors for uber villains are GLOSS black with GOLD highlights!" chastised Rarity as she searched though her emergency fashion supplies for the proper Battle-suit accoutrements.
"I know! I’ll just throw you a party!" gleefully sang out Pinkie Pie as she danced and burst in to song, “This is a singing telegram....”
Crash!
Suddenly the prancing pony was knocked silly, or at least sillier, by the bulk of the kingdom’s finest plywood dais.
“What?” questioned Luna, as everpony stared at her, “somepony had to do it.”
Shit, thought Celestia, all I can do is turn the lights on and off, or trick barely grown fillies into doing my dirty work. Wait I know...! "Luna, my beloved little sister, you must aid me in...”
"HELL NO, Big sis! You locked me in the moon for 1000 years!” interrupted Luna as she ran out of the room via the maid’s exit, with "HEY UBER GUY! KICK HER ASS FOR ME!” echoing behind her.
With that said, Uber Villain Guy, all 50 feet of him with buzzsaw teeth, laser eyes, a veritable Swiss army knife selection of weapons built into each fist and flatulence known to have depopulated mid-size cities, stormed into the throne room. He looked down at his cowering victims and smirked.
"OH-OH-OH" reverberated the standard evil cliché villain’s laugh, “I'll crush you all into strawberry jam! I'll grind your bones! I'll kill you, then I’ll kill your parents, and then I’ll kill your parent’s parents! I'll even get your little dog too," his voice of utter doom rang out while pointing at AJ. "Then, I'll....
"Muffins?"
Uber Villain Guy looked up from his victims. Hovering just in front of him was a small gray Pegasus with a blonde mane and tail, and huge golden yet crossed eyes. Upon a hoof was a tray with several muffins on it.
"Muffins?" repeated Derpy Hooves, as she held out the tray.
"Do you not KNOW who I am? I am your death, look upon me mere pony and despair! I am....”
"Muffins?" Derpy repeated once more, as her huge golden eyes suddenly un-crossed and looked directly at Uber.
While the glare of Rarity been known to wilt badly dressed fillies at 100 feet, and the stare of Fluttershy could make grown dragons cry, they were nothing when compared to the uber cute ultra kawaii look of Derpy's un-crossed eyes.
"OK OK, I'll eat one!" cried out Uber Villain Guy, unable to resist the cuteness. He snatched up a muffin and swallowed it whole.
First there was a grumble.
Then there was a rumble.
Sudden the entire form of Uber turned bight red, then yellow, and finally lime green with purple polka-dots. Next, he bloated up 3 times his normal size, right before bursting into flames that left nothing behind but a pile of soot and the faint odor of over-cooked ham.
With her eyes now crossed again, Derpy calmly glided down to land among her friends. Among the first to greet their savior was Pinkie Pie.
"Baked Bads!" gasped out Pinkie, as she recognized the muffins on Derpy's tray. Apparently their effects only intensive with age..
"Baked Bads!" echoed the rest of the Mane Six, including Rainbow Dash, whose limp form suddenly sprung back to life. Self-resurrection is 40% cooler than certain death! She thought to herself. They all thought those weapons of mass-indigestion were destroy in the best interest of kingdom security long ago.
"Young filly, I'll take those," demanded Celestia as she seized the tray, while thinking "I'll just invite Luna to tea and MUFFINS tomorrow....."
The next day was somber, as funerals were held throughout the city, but none more poignant then the one for their beloved Princess Luna. Though she survived the battle in the throne room, the stress was apparently too much for her. Celestia assured all ponies present in the Royal Dining Room that although rare, it was not unknown for overly stressed alicorns to turn multiple colors and then burst into flames whilst eating breakfast.
“It is much like my beloved pet phoenix Philomena,” confirmed Celestia, “just without the resurrection part.”
Later, standing upon a mound on the far eastern edge of Canterlot, and near to where she insisted the moon would next rise, Celestia spread her sister’s ashes into the wind. With a sad look upon her face, Celestia silently forgave her little sister as she watched Luna’s ashes slowly settle all over the Greater Canterlot Combined Landfill and Manure Treatment Plant.
Still later, and bowing to much public pressure, Celestia crowned Derpy Hooves as the new Lunar Princess and Goddess of the moon.
And the ponies were happy.
(YEAH).
Epilogue: Moon rise that very night.
“Muffin.”
“Yes yes, I know,” replied Celestia, “you like muffins but the moon...”
“Muffin!”
“You must understand, Derpy,” explained Celestia, “it is traditional at this time of the evening for you to raise the moon...”
“MUFFIN!” yelled out Derpy, as her eyes un-crossed while looking directly at Celestia.
Those eyes, those eyes! Celestia wilted, all resistance sapped away. “OK, you win!” cried out Celestia, as she fled from the eyes; suddenly overcame by an immense desire to clean the Palace bathrooms.
And from that day forward, as Princess Celestia set the Sun in the west, Princess Derpy Hooves raised the great lunar Muffin into the eastern sky.
The End.
As anyone knows in a parody it's best to kill off the overly ranting villain in a really dumb way by the least likely character, plus I just like Derpy Hooves.