//------------------------------// // Take one down, pass it around... // Story: No Bucks // by 71NYL-5CR4TCH //------------------------------// Twilight sauntered in to her own library with the grace of a tranquilized rhinoceros, 'opening' the door by exploding it in front of her face, sending sizable, smoldering splinters of soft maple into her front yard. She gazed into her library and with a couple of *smacks* from her mouth, decided that 10 o'clock in the morning was a perfectly reasonable time to start working on her wine stash. As if on cue, her 'number one assistant' peaked his head into the doorway, examining the crispy remains before seeing Twilight wobbling towards the cellar door. "Uh, Twilight? Where have you been all night? There's been rumors around town that you started up a real ruckus and now Rainbow Dash and the...um...the police are looking for you..." Spike twiddled his thumbs nervously. Sure, he had known and trusted Twilight all his life, but she was in quite a state at the moment, and the present ruler of all of Equestria, so he was careful not to overstep his boundaries. As soon as Spike finished his inquiry, Twilight whipped her head around, sunglasses sliding partly off her face to expose one eye with which Twilight could make eye contact. Twilight began a slow, precise walk up to her trusted friend, maintaining her gaze for the entire march. "The police? The police Spike? Do you wanna know...what I think about the POLICE?" Twilight's face was beginning to contort into a horrible glare, clearly enraged. "That...that they're a necessary force for good, maintaining peace and order..?" Spike asked hopefully. "Man..." Twilight's horn began to glow purple. "BUCK THA POLICE!!" A record scratch from seemingly nowhere introduced a funky, rhythmic beat with which Twilight began to shake her flank in a horribly unorthodox and erratic pattern as she literally bounced (or more like bumped) off the walls of the the library. Over the sounds of the music, a stallion's voice could be heard, giving a rather exciting court proceeding, beginning with an introduction of the judge, the case of some group against an unspecified police department , and a long list of oddly-named attorneys. What in Equestria is going on right now...who is Easy E? How many maternal mares did he have sex with to earn that title?! Twilight was, meanwhile, had mysteriously acquired a backwards ball-cap and crossed her forelegs in front of her torso, bobbing her head up and down. Dear Celestia she's becoming Pinkie Pie... Spike noted in worry, and after a quick spin-like maneuver, Twilight lost balance, wobbled about the library for a bit, and crashed through the cellar door, tumbling down the long, stone, staircase. When Spike went to check on her, he noticed she was now wearing a large golden chain necklace, looking up at Spike from her back. "Twilight..? Are you al-" "BUCK THA POLICE COMING STRAIGHT FROM THE UNDERGROUND! A YOUNG FILLY GOT IT BAD CAUSE I'M FUCKING PURPLE!!!" "Y-yes, Twilight. You are underground...and purple...what are you doing now?" Spike asked with a mix of concern and exasperation as the song continued. "I'm drinking the wine, Spike." "How much wine, Twilight?" "All the wine." Spike's face grew to one of horror. There was, quite literally, enough wine in that cellar to replace all of the mass of Twilight's body...at least 3 or 4 times over. "Twilight, I don't know if you should-" "PfshfhsBITCH! You ain't ma dad, and even if you wuz, I'd pop a cap in yo ass cause I don't give a BUCK!!" "Twilight, why are you talking like that?" Spike asked, still standing at the top of the staircase as Twilight got back on her hooves and began magically uncorking a bottle of wine. "I 'unno," Twilight shrugged, before levitating a bottle of wine over to Spike, "here, put this in the freezer; I'll want it later." "Um, Twilight?" "Real easy, Spike." "Yeah, but-" "Oh for bucks sake, look just-" Twilight spun her head to face Spike. "It's not that...our friends are here." Twilight immediately grabbed 12 bottles of wine, not bothering to read any form of label, and teleported to the main floor of the library, where her 5 friends stood waiting, all with a look of immense concern. Twilight appeared before them in a glorious display of light, scanned them for a few brief seconds, vomited on the hardwood floor, and wiped the residue away from her muzzle with her foreleg. "...S'up sluts?" "Twilight! We've been worried sick about you! Rainbow Dash told us what happened last night...are you alright?! Are you under some kind of spell? And...sluts? That's rather rude, don't you think?" Rarity pointed out. "Eh," was all Twilight could say. "No spell. New me. No bucks, you get the idea. Oh, I'm like, head princess now too. Pretty cool, right?" Twilight grinned. "Head princess? What does that even mean? An what in tarnation is this music? An why are ya'll drinking at 10 in tha mornin?" Applejack piped up, also voicing her concern. "Celestia put me in charge. I got rid of laws. First decree, Celestia's not getting her throne back. Mine now. Second decree..." Twilight began to levitate 2 bottles of wine to each of her friends, "drink up, bitches!" "Um...Twilight...I don't, um, drink..." Fluttershy whispered. "Yeah, me neither!" Rainbow Dash yelled, "It slows me down, and makes me all groggy." The other mares stared at Rainbow Dash for a moment. "Uh...Sugarcube, you drink cider all the time." Applejack pointed out. "Yeah, so?" Rainbow Dash asked indignantly. "Cider has alcohol in it silly! We've all seen you drink!" Pinkie Pie chirped while bouncing around her friends. "And I, for one, welcome our new drunken overlord!" Pinkie Pie stated with a genuine smile, "Let's party!" "Wait, there's alcohol in cider?!" Rainbow Dash asked, visibly confused. "I thought it just made me feel good cause it was so tasty..." Rainbow muttered under her breath. "GIRLS! I think we may be getting away from a more, *ahem*, pressing issue?" Rarity pointed out as she gestured to Twilight, currently chugging to the end of her first bottle of wine. "Right!" Rainbow declared, "So this is a race, huh?! And since apparently I do drink, I may as well win!" Rainbow uncorked her bottle with her teeth and began chugging. Applejack furrowed her brow, "Rainbow! That is not the issue!" "Why, scared I'll drink you under the table?" Rainbow taunted. "Psh, as if! You didn't even know you drank! Ah drink every day!" Applejack announced. The room was silent for a moment. "AH DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM!" "Right...anyway, Pinkie Pie?" Rainbow asked. "I'm game!" She chirped. "Rarity?" "I should hardly think so! Getting drunk at a time like this is..." Rarity looked down at her bottle, "Oh my stars this a 203 CE bottle of Pinot Grigio from the Griffin Lands! This is some really expen- I mean nice wine...well, who am I to deny a good time?" Rarity's demeanor rapidly changed, as it is ought to do, "I'm in!" "Fluttershy?" "I um...I don't think...it's not...oh my." Fluttershy whispered, staring at her bottle of wine. She had somewhat lied to her friends. She didn't drink...anymore. Not since... The incident.