//------------------------------// // S3E4: One Bad Apple // Story: My Little Pony: Bureaucracy is Politic // by swirlstar //------------------------------// Season 3 Episode 4 – One Bad Seed Mayor Mare’s Office, Town Hall, Ponyville EMERGENCY MEETING The Agenda: 1. Conduct Investigation into the Summer Harvest Festival Incident. [ ] “Now to our ongoing coverage on the devastating crash today at the Summer Harvest Parade. Ponyville Police are still combing the wreckage of the two floats that collided today, looking for clues as to why the crash happened… ” The radio tuned out. “This is a humiliation for Ponyville, fillies and gentlecolts,” Mayor Mare reminded her cabinet members severely. “A total and utter humiliation.” “And while we’re bidding for the Equestrian Games as well,” Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon mused. “Ah well: nothing left but to play the sympathy card, I suppose.” “Well sympathy card or not, we can’t just sit around and wait for the Committee to pity us – though they’d better darn well do that,” the tan pony growled. “We need to find somepony to blame for this.” “… and find answers, Ma’am,” Finance Secretary Bit Coin suggested tentatively. “Well, that as well, I suppose. But blame first and foremost.” Mayor Mare turned to Security Chief Delta Force. “So who is it, Captain Force?” “Well… erm…” The red stallion slunk back as the cabinet’s attention focused on him. “Uhh… nopony, really,” he mumbled. “Mechanical error. Catastrophic steering failure, leading to loss of control of normal axes.” The cabinet was most unamused. Delta Force gulped. “But what did you expect when one of the floats was made of lettuce- “ “Well do you know what that conclusion means?” Deputy Mayor Lyra Heartstrings snapped. Uh oh. “Erm…” “It means that the Police obviously failed to vet the roadworthiness of the floats before they were sent on Parade. A Security Department problem,” the lime-green unicorn menaced. If there was one thing Delta Force could not live without, it was his job – or more accurately, the salary that came with the job. The Security Chief blanched at the news. Lyra Heartstrings smirked and turned towards the Mayor. “May I show the Security Chief how this sort of thing should be done, Mayor?” Mayor Mare had to admit she was feeling some schadenfreude at her incompetent subordinate’s expense. “You may, Deputy Mayor,” she said, hoofing over the telephone to the unicorn. “Watch and learn.” The lime-green pony picked up the receiver. “Hey… Ponyville Express editor Muck Raker? Lyra here… now, don’t attribute this back to me, but with the Harvest Parade crash, we’re currently considering terrorism as a possible cause… it’s only possible, Ms. Raker… oh, who knows: Changelings? Too early to tell. Alright. See you. Bye.” The receiver slammed back down. “The ponies are going to realize there’s no terrorism involved in the incident soon enough,” a chastised Delta Force mumbled to Lyra Heartstrings. “Well I only said we were considering terrorism, not opening an investigation into it,” the unicorn retorted. “Get the media hounds distracted while we figure out who we can actually blame for this travesty.” * The headline of the next day’s Ponyville Express was depressingly predictable. TERRORISTS! THE CHANGELING PLOT TO WRECK THE SUMMER HARVEST PARADE “Ms. Sparkle, I believe there are only three words correct in that headline and they are ‘Summer Harvest Parade’,” Mayor Mare commented, putting down the rag. “We are considering all potential causes, not just terrorism.” “But all the same: I really, really, really want to help!” The purple unicorn clopped her hooves anxiously. “You see, I’ve spent the whole night reading up on the latest parade float news and I’m sure I can be a valuable member of the investigation team!” “Well that is commendable, Ms. Sparkle, but all the same, we have a team of trained professionals looking into this- “ “Please!” Twilight put her hooves together in supplication. “Please, please, please, please, please!” Why is she so darned insistent on joining the investigation, anyway? “I’m sorry, Ms. Sparkle. But your services really aren’t necessary.” The bookish mare’s lower lip trembled. “But…” Giving up, she sighed and slowly shuffled out of the room, her tail curled between her hindlegs. As she exited the doorway, she turned and gave her best pitiable look at the Mayor before slowly slouching away. * Bottom of Mane Street, Ponyville Whatever his faults, the team Delta Force assembled to examine the wreckage was dedicated and professional – and if they said that nopony was to blame for the accident, it was probably likely that nopony indeed was to blame. But as last night’s meeting showed, it wasn’t the best political position to take. So what better to put Lyra Heartstrings in charge of the investigation and have her take responsibility for all the convoluted reasoning in the Government’s quest to have somepony to blame? The advantages of coalition government, Mayor Mare mused as she gazed pensively at the disaster scene: a heap of lettuce to her left, and a half-submerged golden apple in the lake below. Amazing that all the fillies got out alive… “Mayor, Mayor; look, look!” A breathless Lyra cantered up to her superior, Delta Force trotting behind. “Evidence! We have… evidence!” “No we don’t,” Delta Force said. The unicorn ignored him, levitating an egg-timer in front of the Mayor. “You see this? It’s an egg-timer!” “I’ll have you know I’ve been in a kitchen,” the gray-maned mare replied humorlessly. “Well, you know what?” The Deputy Mayor’s eyes sparkled with anticipation. “Egg-timers are used in bombs! We found this egg timer in the apple float! Therefore, somepony bombed the apple float!” “Except the apple float is still structurally intact,” the red stallion deadpanned. Lyra still ignored him. “Hey! Hey! Press! Press!” she waved to the not-insignificant group of media behind the police cordon, causing an immediate stampede as reporters and journalists smashed through the police cordon and surrounded the trio. “You see this!” she said, proudly holding up the egg-timer in a hail of camera flashes and microphone booms. “Evidence of foul play! Foul play!” “Foul play!” The press corps gasped, immediately scribbling Lyra’s words verbatim in their notepads. “We are live now in Ponyville, where evidence is mounting that yesterday’s Harvest Parade Disaster was indeed the result of a deliberate attack…” Delta Force died a little inside as Lyra continued to wave her egg-timer around. “Given this new evidence, the Ponyville Government will now open an official criminal investigation into the whole affair!” “… on the basis of the new evidence, it seems more and more likely that the Summer Harvest Disaster was indeed a terrorist attack on the town of Ponyville…” Mayor Mare could not help but admire the press’ ability to parrot the official position- “STOP!” The raucous atmosphere disappeared in an instant. Every head turned to look at the cause of this new interruption – only to gasp in amazement. Twilight Sparkle sauntered up to the trio of bureaucrats, two ponies in lab coats flanking each side, and handed the stunned Mayor Mare a piece of parchment. “In the name of Her Highness Princess Celestia, the representatives of the NFSB will now take over the investigation of the Summer Harvest Disaster!” Lyra Heartstrings’ eyes almost bulged out of their sockets. “N…FSB?” she stuttered. “What’s that?” “Why, the National Float Safety Board, of course,” the bookish mare smiled as her assistants began ushering the crowds back from the wreckage. “The Princess created one in the wake of yesterday’s disaster, and we have the responsibility of investigating every parade float incident in Equestria!” “Well, okay, I can accept that,” Mayor Mare said, checking the official documentation hoofed in by this unwelcome visitor. “You still have to share the disaster scene with us- “ “Actually, I don’t,” Twilight smugly jabbed her hoof at the parchment. “As the NFSB is a national organization, we get first dibs on any float investigation. So no, you don’t get to share with us.” Now the tan pony was getting pretty angry. “But that’s ridicul-“ The politician’s protests were drowned out by the reporters abruptly swarming around the purple pony. “What does the NFSB think about the accident?” “Was it terrorism?” “What do you make of the Ponyville Government’s assertion that a criminal act was committed here- “ “Ponies, ponies!” The unicorn beckoned the media horde to quieten down. “The NFSB is satisfied with the explanation that mechanical failure is to blame for yesterday’s accident, and that the Ponyville Government’s assertion of criminal wrongdoing is unjustified!” “Unjustified!” the press gasped, immediately scribbling Twilight’s words verbatim in their notepads. “A shocking twist in the saga of the Summer Harvest Disaster investigation, as the National Float Safety Board is now openly contradicting the Ponyville Government’s claims of a criminal act…” * Mayor Mare’s Office, Town Hall, Ponyville INVESTIGATION DRAMA: SAFETY BOARD CONTRADICTS PONYVILLE GOVERNMENT “You know, the floats crashing during the Parade was humiliation enough for Ponyville,” Mayor Mare groused as she tossed the newest Ponyville Express into the incinerator chute. “But now we’ve been humiliated in our own investigation as well!” “I did say that there wasn’t any justification for a criminal investigation… ” Delta Force began. “The NFSB’s investigation is obviously bogus,” Lyra Heartstrings complained bitterly as she slurped on a comfort milkshake. “Twilight’s investigating the crash of a float owned by the Apple family. Of course she wants to make sure that we don’t dig up any dirty laundry.” “Like how our investigation is biased in favor of finding a pony to blame for the crash… ” “Shut up, Delta,” the tan pony snapped at her subordinate. “Just shut up.” A frustrated silence draped over the members of the cabinet. “So what do we do now?” Bit Coin finally asked. Crimson Ribbon smiled. “What Governments do best. Rumor-mongering… ” As if on cue, a soft knock on the door. “Come in!” Mayor Mare cried. The door opened and Carrot Top peeked her head in. “Ma’am Mayor?” she asked timidly. “Ms. Top, we’re kind of busy now, so if you don’t mind- “ “It’s about the Summer Harvest Parade, Ma’am,” the orange-maned mare said. “I think my friend might have seen something that could be important to the investigation.” Everypony’s ears went straight up. “Oh?” Carrot Top shuffled into the room, followed by a gray pegasus. “You tell them, Derpy.” “Ummm… okay…” Derpy Hooves looked uneasily at the ponies leaning in around her. “Uhh… so I was delivering post to Fluttershy’s… or maybe Harry’s… gosh, it’s kind of hard to remember where everypony lives sometimes- “ “Derpy.” “Oh. Sorry.” The pegasus scratched her mane. “So I was flying along, and then I suddenly hear this big explosion, like a crrrack! So I was wondering what that was, and so I peek over the hedge… and you know what, I saw a massive big apple all smashed on the ground!” “She means apple carriage,” Carrot Top clarified. “I heard it too. Saw the Apple family hauling the wreckage back into the barn as I was heading back to the barn. I didn’t think anything of it until Derpy mentioned it, and of course immediately I thought of the Deputy Ma’am Mayor’s statement… ” “Celestia…” Delta Force whispered. “So it was terrorism after all.” “And by the Apples, no less,” Lyra Heartstrings said grimly. “Well I always knew they were up to no good, those Apples,” the carrot farmer chimed in. “But I didn’t realize they hated Ponyville.” Mayor Mare was too stunned to speak. “Celestia… ” she mumbled impotently, trying to gather herself. “Well, there’s only one thing to do: we need to arrest them in the name of justice!” * Sweet Apple Acres, Ponyville Now as much as Mayor Mare cursed the Ponyville Police for their investigatory impotence, there was no denying that they were good assault forces. Captain Force was ex-military, after all. It was all over in seconds. Mayor Mare and Lyra Heartstrings coughed as they entered the smoke-filled living room, finding the filthy terrorists all trussed up on the ground: Applejack, Big MacIntosh, the Cutie Mark Crusaders, Granny Smith, and- “Twilight Sparkle!” the lime-green unicorn exclaimed triumphantly as the purple pony squirmed and struggled against her bonds. “I knew you were colluding with evil!” “mMf pffh thfh!” “Remove the gag so we can hear what the terrorist has to say before we send her to Canterlot,” Mayor Mare declared. “Pah!” Twilight spat as the cloth was removed from her mouth. “L-look, M-Mayor, I know this looks incredibly compromising… but you’ve got it all wrong!” “What more is there to say?” Lyra Heartstrings sneered. “Isn’t it obvious that you Apples were planning to cause mayhem and chaos during the Summer Harvest Parade? Why do you hate Ponyville so much- “ “Mff pghn hff!” Applejack exclaimed, her eyes widening with fear. “Pah- no, no, it’s not what it looks like! Please, Mayor, you gotta believe us!” “Believe what?” the tan pony narrowed her eyes. “Am I supposed to believe it wasn’t a bomb you were sneaking onto the float now?” The farm pony looked at Twilight, tears streaming from her eyes. The bookish mare gulped and nodded. “A-alright, Mayor, I’ll g-give it to you straight,” the orange pony stuttered. “Yes, Applebloom and the Cutie Mark Crusaders tried to sabotage the apple float. Yes, they also smashed P-pinkie’s float as well. A-and y-yes, they also s-smashed one of our earlier apple floats as w-well… ” “Any one of those crimes carries a Lunar penalty,” Mayor Mare commented. “No, no, no!” Twilight shook her head frantically. “Y-you d-don’t understand! It was… it was… ” “It was w-weapons p-practice!” Applejack howled in despair. “I admit it, I admit everythin’! The CMCs were making weapons under Celestia’s orders, but they misfired and that wrecked the entire Parade! Oh Celestia, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!” And with that, the farm mare collapsed and began to bawl her eyes out. To say the political duo were utterly flummoxed was an understatement. “W-weapons practice?” “H-here!” Twilight stammered as she shunted another royal letter into the lime-green pony’s face. “Read it!” To my most faithful student: Just a simple (and confidential!) notification that we’ve detected the movement of an object of great magical power around Equestria. Shouldn’t mean much but just be wary of anything happening in Ponyville. P.S. Tell us when you’re done with that NFSB investigation. Celestia & Luna “Ook,” Lyra said as she levitated the letter for Mayor Mare to peruse. “Nothing on weapons testing there.” “Well of course the Princesses wouldn’t say something like that in a normal letter!” the bookish mare exclaimed indignantly. “The letter was self-destructing!” “You have to believe us, Mayor – Mayors!” Applejack begged. “Please!” Mayor Mare looked at Lyra Heartstrings. “Th-this is an issue v-vital to national s-security, M-mayors,” Twilight stammered. “Y-you’d do a… a lot of d-damage to Equestria if this all leaks out… ” Lyra Heartstrings looked at Mayor Mare. “I’m sure Twi’ would p-put in a g-good word to the P-princesses,” Applejack chattered. “I’m s-sure th-they’ll reward P-ponyville… a-and y-you… a-am-mazingly…” “But we have no choice,” the bespectacled mare remarked. “The evidence speaks for itself… ” “U-use my explanation, then!” the purple unicorn proposed. “M -mechanical f-failure! N-no ponies involved!” “But then, Carrot Top… ” “I think we can just ignore her testimony,” the Deputy Mayor decided. “Only two ponies saw it, anyway. Two deluded conspiracy nuts.” Mayor Mare exhaled. “I suppose. Well, then…” * A WILD GOOSE CHASE: MECHANICAL FAILURE CAUSED PARADE ACCIDENT Rumors persist of ‘deliberate explosions’ days before event