My Little Pony: Bureaucracy is Politic

by swirlstar

S3E3: Too Many Pinkie Pies

The Agenda:
1. Cleaning up after the Pinkie Pie Incident. [ ]
2. LONG TERM – Achieve reconciliation in Ponyville. [ ]

“Alright. Now, Ms. Sparkle,” Deputy Mayor Lyra Heartstrings said as she scrunched up the daily agenda and tossed it away. “Once again, the Ponyville Government thanks you for your invaluable service in solving the Pinkie Pie Incident. Is there any way in which we can repay you?”

The bookish mare blushed and giggled as she responded with a curtsey. “Oh, it was all my pleasure, Lyr- I mean, Deputy Mayor. But if it’s possible, I would like to present the bill for the paint and everything.”

A nod. “The Government will be more than happy to recompense you for your trouble… ” Lyra Heartstrings’s voice faded away as she examined the list before her:

“… Advanced Transformation Spells for Unicorns.”

The Deputy Mayor swore she heard the purple unicorn gulp in trepidation. “W-well… you know… the store… they were out of slow-dry paint… s-so I had to transform the quick-dry paint to slow dry! Y’know, so the Pinkie Pies could watch paint dry, you see- “

Lyra Heartstrings forced out a smile and gently waved away the unicorn’s concerns. “Of course, of course, Twilight; I understand. We’ll wire over the money within the next working day.”

Twilight’s body visibly relaxed with those words. “Oh, thank you, thank you, Ms. Heartstrings!” she exclaimed happily. “I’m sure the book will be a great help to my studies… a-and also help me be of greater service to Ponyville, of course! And, uh, in any case- “ the unicorn breathlessly continued, seeking to divert attention from her verbal slip-up as much as possible, “-where’s the Mayor, anyway?”

The Deputy Mayor smiled mysteriously. “Well, Twilight… ”

“Jumping Celestia on a pogo stick.”

Mayor Mare threw out a few more exclamations as Dr. Stable tried and failed to suppress a few sniggers at the image of Her Highness on a pogo stick.

The tan pony was in no mood for hilarity, however. “So you’re telling me that for all intents and purposes, the cloned Pinkie Pies are physically identical to the real Pinkie Pie?”

“Well, yes,” the doctor said, scanning over the medical records on his desk with a flourish. “Physiology, immunology, endoscopy – everything looks the same as the original. Could probably have led to significant medical advances, that Mirror Pool.”

Mayor Mare detected a slight hint of bitterness in the doctor’s voice.

“Of course, the mental clones are slightly less intelligent,” the light-brown pony drew out the IQ results for examination. “Perhaps ‘one dimensional’ is the better term here.”

“Well that’s not a useful difference,” the gray-maned mare mumbled. “Not these days, anyway.”

“I see,” Dr. Stable said. “Well, in that case I do have to stand by the medical results. For all intents and purposes, the Mirror Pool clones are physically ponies.”

Mayor Mare groaned as she exited the room.

“No physical difference, I suppose,” Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon got out from his chair.

“Seems so. There’s not much that I can do to stop those clones from becoming ponies – and Ponyville citizens.” The Mayor sighed. “Of course the paperwork arising from that decision will be massive: but in the end it’s a question of principle, I suppose. And it’s not like it’s going to actually affect anypony, since the Mirror Pool is sealed.”

“I see,” the gray stallion answered, keener on getting to his main point. “By the way, Ma’am: I really do think you should be more wary of Lyra Heartstrings’ intentions. It really is eroding public confidence in your administration.”

“What rubbish, Mr. Ribbon,” Mayor Mare snorted as they exited the building. “The public is still very much confident of our coalition government. Approval ratings are still through the roof!”

“And yet when the Pinkie Pies were rampaging through the town, the public sought an answer from Ms. Sparkle and not you.”

That hit a very sore point indeed. Crimson Ribbon grinned slyly as he saw the Mayor’s complexion darken like a thunderstorm.

“Well it just proves that the public wasn’t very happy with the pointless bickering of our democratic experiment last term,” the tan pony snapped. “Doesn’t mean that they don’t think Lyra and I can’t accomplish anything.”

The bureaucrat’s smile only grew wider. “Of course, Mayor. Of course.”

“The evidence speaks for itself,” Mayor Mare concluded to her assembled cabinet. “There’s no real difference between a Mirror Pool clone and an actual pony. So I think it’s safe to say that from that, there shouldn’t be a legal difference between the two as well. You know, equality and all that.”

“You do realize this means I’ll have to arrest Twilight Sparkle for mass murder, right?” Security Chief Delta Force raised a hoof. “Or at the very least, unjustified assault.”

“That will not be necessary,” Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon stated blandly. “Section One of the Equestrian Code states that any group not yet determined as being part of the pony species are not subject to the law. So Ms. Sparkle’s actions were directed at a group of animals, not conscious living ponies.”

“The lengths we go to defend the Princess’ pet from harm,” Finance Secretary Bit Coin remarked sarcastically. “Anyway, while this decision obviously doesn’t actually give me more taxpayers, it does mean I can fine the Cakes for using undocumented labor… ” The chestnut mare rubbed her hooves in evil glee.

“So everypony’s comfortable with the principle so far,” Mayor Mare counted. “Ms. Heartstrings?”

A shake of the lime-green pony’s head. “No problem from me, Mayor.”

“So that’s it, then!” the bespectacled mare tapped on her desk with her hoof. “So from this point onwards, we’ll recognize all Mirror Pool clones as ponies and – given their ‘place of birth’, so to speak – as Ponyville citizens as well. Let freedom ring!”

“Let freedom technically ring, you mean,” the Deputy Mayor smiled. “We all know this debate has been over a rather moot point.”

“What a party-pooper you are, Ms. Heartstrings!”

“Well, that went better than expected,” Lyra noted off-hoofedly to Crimson Ribbon as they exited the Mayor’s Office. “I thought we were all going to get caught up in details, but lucky for us that didn’t happen.”

“Of course,” the bureaucrat nodded slyly. “It’s been a very lucky break for the Mayor.”

“And for me,” the notoriously-sensitive unicorn emphasized.

“No, no. I meant only for the Mayor,” the stallion replied slickly.

Lyra stopped. “Shouldn’t I benefit from this as well?”

“Technically, perhaps,” Crimson Ribbon explained. “But as you know, all Ponyville citizens get the right to vote. This means the Mirror Pool clones get a right to vote as well. Technically.”

“Yeah, so what’s the problem? They can’t- “ the unicorn’s pupils shrank to pinpricks. “Oh… no.”

The gray stallion nodded grimly. “The Ponyville Government can legally unseal the Mirror Pool… if the Mayor deems it to be in the public interest.”

“You idiot,” Lyra whipped around to face the bureaucrat. “Isn’t this kind of stuff exactly what the Civil Service was designed to prevent?”

“Ah, but the Mayor was very insistent. Celestia knows how many times I tried to dissuade her.” The stallion kept up his smile as the unicorn’s face flushed red with anger and humiliation.

“Well I’m not going to let her reduce all of Ponyville to slavery!” The lime-green pony hissed indignantly, steam spewing out of her ears. “No, Crimson, no… we have to stop her!”

The gray stallion shrugged apologetically. “Alas, Ms. Heartstrings, I fear that only you have the strength to challenge Mayor Mare now…”

“Sixty Pinkie Pies!”

Mrs. Cake was so angry her ice-cream-swirl mane now more resembled a spiked helmet. “By Celestia, sixty Pinkie Pies in Sugarcube Corner! How many workers does the Ponyville Government think a bakery needs?!”

Lyra slowly savored her milkshake – her reward for leaking confidential information. “Yeah, I know. The Mayor’s gone absolutely bonkers.”

“Well for Celestia’s sake, can’t you do something about it?” Mrs. Cake pointed out. “I’m telling you, if Bit thinks I don’t know about her and Delta Force, she’s going to get a very, very nasty shock indeed…”

“Hey, hey, Bit’s only carrying out orders,” the Deputy Mayor hastily reassured the cyan matron. “Don’t take it out on her. I have a better idea, anyway.”

“Let’s hear it,” Mrs. Cake leant forward irritably.

“Simple.” The lime-green unicorn moved closer to her interlocutor. “Here’s what you do – tomorrow after the Mayor issues her Declaration on the Mirror Pool Ponies, you immediately transfer all your assets to your clone in the Mirror Pool. So when the fine comes, you technically have no assets, so just declare bankruptcy and move on. Let’s see the Government try to collect tax from the Mirror Pool.”

Mrs. Cake frowned suspiciously. “Won’t I go to jail if I don’t pay the fine?”

“You’re not actually going to get a fine, silly. You just need to spread the word around, and cause as much financial chaos as possible – so I can get the Mayor to back down.”

“Ohh,” the baker nodded knowingly. “Right. Well, expect me to be telling everypony that comes into the shop left, right and center!”

“Thanks, Mrs. Cake. I appreciate it.”

Without even knocking, Lyra Heartstrings pushed the door open and barged into the room.

“ –and as you can see, bank saving deposits dropped today by 2500 basis points today, with transfer levels suggesting a major run on the banks is underway- “ Bit Coin and Mayor Mare looked at the fuming intruder, startled.

“Oh… Ms. Heartstrings, I thought you were off sick today!” Mayor Mare stuttered, flummoxed by the fiery complexion of her Deputy Mayor.

Lyra Heartstrings barged right past Bit Coin and slammed her forehooves on the table. “You saw what happened today. You need to reverse your decision on the Mirror Pool clones, now.”

“What- there’s no need to panic, Ms. Heartstrings, not yet at least,” Mayor Mare said nervously, brows furrowed in worry.

“No buts. If that decision isn’t repealed, the whole of Ponyville will be thrown into total chaos. Reverse it. Now.” Lyra Heartstrings insisted, menace growing in her voice.

“Lyra, we only need to change a few rules for transferring assets and then we can… ” Bit Coin’s voice disappeared under the harsh gaze of the Deputy Mayor.

“Mayor,” the unicorn threatened one last time. “If you think you can survive in office without me… well, think again.”

For a moment, Mayor Mare blinked dumbly.

Then she gulped.

“Canterlot will complain if we strip the Mirror Pool clones of all their rights,” the tan mare said timidly. “Have them be legally worth four-fifths of a pony.”

“One-quarter.”

“Three-fifths.”

“Two-fifths.”

“Three-fifths and only the most basic of legal protections.”

“Deal.” Satisfied, the lime-green pony pushed herself off the stable and took a few steps back, eyes still concentrated on the Mayor.

The bespectacled mare could only mumble a few words in a mixture of shock and sadness. “It was only a decision of technical value. I sure hope you had a good reason for such drastic action.”

Lyra huffed. “You know what my reason was, Mayor,” she said as she turned around and left without another word.

“So I just don’t know what’s gotten into Lyra!” Mayor Mare exclaimed pacing around the room. “She was fine yesterday; and then suddenly she just comes over and demands me to reverse the Mirror Pool decision. The one she agreed to during our last meeting!”

“Well, Ma’am,” Crimson Ribbon nodded sagely, giving no indication as to what he knew. “I have heard that she’s a bit concerned about the ramifications of the Mirror Pool in terms of votes.”

“Votes?”

“Votes: you know, probably the idea that you’ll unseal the Mirror Pool come election time and swamp the electoral booths with your clones.”

The gray-maned pony stopped mid-step. “But that’s… well, I have to say I’m surprised I didn’t think of that,” she admitted. “But still, that’s ridiculous! She’s already Deputy Mayor; what else does she want?”

“The Mayorship, naturally.”

“That was a rhetorical question, Mr. Ribbon.”

“Apologies, Ma’am.”

“You are correct nevertheless,” the bespectacled mare continued worriedly, resuming her orbit around the Secretary for Administration. “This event has shown that Lyra’s not going to be satisfied even with sharing power. You were right to tell me to keep a closer eye on her.”

“You are too kind, Ma’am.”

“It was good advice, Mr. Ribbon.” Mayor Mare stopped and looked intently at her subordinate. “Good advice indeed. You should definitely give more of that from now on.”

The Secretary for Administration merely smiled and took a sitting bow in response. “Honored, Ma’am. Honored.”