I spent most of the ride thinking up ways to spend the bits once I got them, and it was strange. It’s only when you’re faced with the prospect of having way more bits than you had ever imagined that you see how many ways there are of spending them. The volcano spa-thing was alluring, but then so was an underwater palace. Maybe an entire city. Or a Frankenhoof-style castle, complete with lightning rod and a surgical table. I could already see a certain princess on it.
"Allow me to show you to the guest room, Your Highness!" And then ZAP! FrankenSun!
What brought me out of my scheming was the unmistakable sensation of the train slowing down, and seeing how that meant it was time to get off, I reexamined my surroundings.
Those guys are still as stiff as boards. Braeburn and Yellow switched places, I see. The crates are still there. But shouldn't we regroup before we get off the train? There's no way I'm calling out for those two on the platform.
The good think about Yellow was that he was a Pegasus. Telling White and Blue apart now that we weren't wearing our hats was going to be more difficult once we got off the train, but at least they weren’t here now, so that was a plus. I’m terrible with matching names to faces, even if they have different color manes. And fur. And eyes. Anywho, Braeburn saw me looking around.
“Won’t be long now. We’re nearly there.”
Really? I never would have guessed that! Ugh, I wish I could at least stretch my legs before we get off. I don’t want them falling asleep the moment I get up, or I’ll tumble down the steps to the platform like a slinky. Saw it happen to a filly once and– wait, didn’t I see her somewhere else?
Before I could figure out the case of the Bouncy Filly, the window next to me went bright. Morning had come and I pressed my muzzle against the window in the hope that I would see anything familiar. We were obviously at the Macintosh Hills, that much was clear. They were about the same as the Dragon Mountains, or whatever they were called, but these were more reddish-brown and some higher ones had some snow on their peaks. We were in the middle of nowhere. That said, I couldn’t wait to get off.
Stop, you antiquated piece of-
The train stopped. Suddenly. With just enough of a jolt that I slammed my head against the window frame. The annoying pain was one thing, seeing starts in daytime was another. I shook my head and saw everypony staring at me and turning away as soon as I looked back at them.
How was everypony else prepared for this? Did I miss a signal?!
To make matters worse, I was looking out the wrong window. When the two contractors got up and started going for the exit I caught a glimpse of a massive complex through the window on the other side of the wagon. There were more guards there, both the royal kind and the pretenders, as well as a few scientists. And then I saw something I should have seen coming. The Royal Guards were waiting for us to get off the train, checking everypony that stepped onto the makeshift platform.
Can never be too safe with outsiders, am I right? You go get - oh, snap. I’m an outsider too, aren’t I?
I nervously looked toward the exit and saw the distinct blue decorations on the Guards’ helmets surrounding the two contractors before they even had the chance to step down from the carriage. Then I caught sight of one of the other scientists outside and realized something.
The scientists are going on the train. That means there must be more of them on the train to replace them! And, technically, I have two Guards here to escort me, so that’s not a problem.
For a moment, I felt at ease. I would get off the train, Braeburn would do the talking, and then we would somehow get into the mine, steal the gold and get out. And as soon as I said that part in my head, my muscles refused to obey. It’s one thing to plan a heist and a whole another thing altogether. And while Braeburn and Yellow went to the doorway, I looked at the scientists outside again.
Those… Those aren’t the kind of lab coats that I have.
If there was ever a time for panic, this was it. There was no way I wouldn’t be getting more attention from the Guards than the regular science-types, and that realization sent my brain into overdrive.
If I break open a crate right now and drink a potion, what are the chances of being stopped? If I shunt those two to the exit to confuse the Guards, I can have the door behind me opened in 0.3 seconds. A jump takes a tenth more.Then to shut the door behind, jump out the side of the carriage, run to the locomotive and take control - get some wood or coal into the firebox and light it, get the water to temperature and then use the time-tested method of trial and error to figure out what the levers and valves in the cab do. I- no. No.
I quickly figured out that the sheer act of cracking open a crate would paint a giant bullseye on me for the Guards, so I decided to try my luck with getting off the train. Thanks to the check-up, it took a few minutes to get to the steps, during which I looked out the windows as much as I could, trying to figure out more about this place.
At least we're in the right place.
The one thing that dominated the view was a large stone façade built into the side of the mountain with a few smaller buildings scattered to all sides. It didn't look like the entrance to a mine, but then it didn't look like anything else I'd ever seen either. Instead of all the ornaments you would expect to find in a Royal building, this one was just so... straight. It was a giant white rectangle with some square pillars and small windows in it. The only thing that wasn't square was this massive steel door keeping the mine under lockdown while we transferred, so at least the target of our operation was immediately clear, but while I was busy admiring the architecture of the place, it was my turn to step off the carriage.
Just remember: keep calm and bring a Tazer. Wait. No.
Before I knew it, I was standing on the tracks behind the train, with Braeburn and Yellow arguing something with the real Royal Guards that had encircled the end of the train. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have been worried, seeing as how they ambushed every exit out of the train, but I didn’t know it at the time.
They caught us. Game over. Don’t twitch. They’re gonna arrest us. I said don’t twitch! OK, better. OK, if I rat out those guys and-
“Come with us!”
The real Guards took us straight through the crowd that had gathered on the platform next to the train and before long there was a funny-looking Royal Guard looking directly at me, his eyes narrow as if he was already interrogating me for the crime that I was still to commit. His armor was slightly different to the rest, with purple colors added to the gold, and an ornamental shield glued on the front, which I guessed meant he was their boss. It’s a good thing you never have to wait long for something like that to prove itself.
“Identify yourself!”
He reached out with his hoof as the other Guards nearby clenched their spears in an obvious show of force and intimidation.
“Ah- I beg your pardon, sir!” A voice cried out from my left. We both turned and I saw Braeburn lowering his head. He had a plan, or at least I hoped he had a plan. “We have escorted Dr. Thornsworth here, so that he may examine the operation.”
Before the boss-Guard had a chance to say anything, Yellow also lowered his head and added his touch to the fairy-tale.
“We assumed you had received the message.”
White and Blue must have been close enough to hear us, because at that precise moment, they pushed their way into the newly formed Guard-circle, and looked at me without even glancing at the boss. Then White – or was it Blue? It was hard to tell when they wore helmets with those blue ornaments – finalized the act.
“I hope you traveled well, sir.”
So that's the game. Why didn’t I think of that?
“Nonetheless. Every arrival to the Facility must present his identification.”
You just don’t give up, do you?
Braeburn intervened again, only this time he leaned past me, close to him, and nearly whispered, in as clean as voice as I’d ever heard him, “We’ve traveled cramped in the back of the train thanks to that delay. Do you really wanna inconvenience us further?”
The boss-Guard blinked and his eyes got just a tad larger than before. The natural aura of superiority vanished in an instant and I could see him second-guessing his approach. But I knew that wasn't the end of it.
“I can’t- I have to see some papers before I can let anypony in!”
The fact that his voice had gotten a bit lower and jerkier told me he didn’t really have a plan on how to follow-up if I didn’t comply. Now I narrowed my eyes, but only a fraction. I didn’t want my act to fall apart from overdoing it. Then I looked him in the eye for a full second without moving or saying anything.
“And I’m sure you have plenty of new arrivals to take a look at, don’t you?”
The Guard flinched so hard it resonated through the Guards standing next to him. And I learned something new.
I never knew a white Guard could turn pale. B- for effort.
“Well… actually, I-“
It was time to finish the deal and I had him exactly where I wanted him. That’s the great thing about those military-types. Show them a figure of authority and they’ll crap their armor. And if you don’t have one, make one up!
“What’s your name?”
“Shining Armor, sir.”
“Well Shining,” I scratched the shield on his uniform a couple of times, then took a look at the tip of my hoof, as if I was examining it. “Your armor isn’t all that shiny.” It was funny because it wasn’t true. And it was a pun! But one that I’m still proud of. “Why don’t you go make it shine before I take my complaint back to Canterlot?”
“Yes – yes, of course!” He stuttered and stammered, then bowed and galloped away. The others looked at me with fear in their eyes.
That went better than expected. OK, let’s do this!
“OK,” I loudly announced to nopony in particular, “Where’s the tour guide?”
All around me, ponies were turning to one another, deciding in muffled sounds who to sacrifice to the Freemane. After a few seconds a young white unicorn was pushed from a nearby crowd. He had a standard-issue lab coat with pocket protector, and saddlebags filled with clipboards and documents. In other words, a lab assistant.
I guess I can’t blame ‘em. If I got a surprise inspection at the lab, I’d throw a lab monkey into the fire as well. It would give me more time to destroy the evidence.
“So, you’re the tour guide, huh?”
“Uhm, well… yes, I’m-“
Penicillin. That’s now your name.
“Come on, let’s do this. I don’t have all day.”
I did have all day, but it sounded so much cooler saying that. I nodded to the “Guards” to get our stuff and slowly walked behind Penicillin. I don’t know where they stashed the crate-o-potions, but now my Guards were carrying saddlebags I didn’t see before, so I knew things were going to plan. We first took a look at some of the outside structures, so in case something went wrong I at least knew where the dining hall was. Both of them, actually. There was a smaller one on the left side and a much larger one on the right side of the entrance to the mine. He pointed to it and said it was the mess hall for the workers, although I didn’t quite like the way he pronounced that word, like he was going to get his brains chewed out if he said it too loudly.
I’m all for feeling high and mighty over the common masses, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to talk about them like they’re diseased. Except for Screwball. I wouldn’t touch that with a beam of energy. And where are the workers anyway?
After going through a few standard offices filled with nervous ponies sitting at desks and pretending to be working, we finally entered one of the two small buildings next to the massive door. It didn’t take a genius to figure out it was the gatehouse. The fact that I am one was just in- wait, I feel like I’m repeating myself. Anywho, we got inside the gatehouse where Penicillin kept pointing out the obvious, from the security control panel that required two ponies to activate the door, to the… Actually, that was about it. It really didn’t have all that much in there apart from the control panel and the lockers by the wall.
The lockers. I wonder what they’re keeping in there. Dead raccoons? This place does smell like it. Would it break my cover if I asked? Like, if I just casually asked how long they're keeping the corpses in there before the ritual, would that be weird? Better not.
“Of course, another room just like this one sits on the other side of the gateway so that no one pony can enter alone. There must always be two unicorns present, one in each.”
But why? This is a gold mine. I know it’s the Royal goldmine, for what that’s worth, but come on! The place isn’t even on a map and even if somepony found it by accident, the sight of the standing army would probably tell him to back off. Unless he was me, but I’m already infiltrating the place!
“I take it you would like to inspect the rest of the facilities?”
I don’t like it when ponies ask me stupid questions, and this was a stupid question. I didn’t – allegedly – go there to take a stroll on the surface and go home. I was there to inspect the living daylights out of the place! Or at least find where they keep the gold, sneak somewhere where we could take the potion, and then go home. Or wherever we would stash the gold, anyway. I summoned my overlord voice.
“Naturally.”
He gave me a strange, fearful look before he nodded and signaled to a waiting contractor to activate the panel. After a few seconds of concentration and sparks flying from his horn, the ground beneath us started shaking. The massive door slowly swung open and when the dust settled, we went inside.
They don’t skimp on security, I’ll give them that. It’s good to know my tax bits are being put to good use. Of protecting an unknown facility in the middle of nowhere with a standing army, additional contractors, and gates the size of a town hall! How much effort went into making the door unicorn powered? You can’t tell me two unicorns can move them by themselves. There must be some serious magic stored up somewhere in here.
Behind the massive door was an equally massive marble hall with wooden offices put up on both sides. There were also some corridors with signs hanging above their entrances going into the side of the mountain. The strangest part, though, was the illumination. The whole place was lit up with what looked like encased gems, only they had a greenish-blue tint to them, but the light they were giving away was just like sunlight. There were also ponies everywhere, with contractors standing in offices and near corridors and a few scientists strolling about, looking all important-like. As they should have been! Still, the arrangement left something to be desired.
So they’ve got the showers in the same corridor as the security station, there’s the inspection room, there’s raw storage and refining… Excavation… The minting press, but where’s the – BINGO! – the vault!
I couldn’t believe my luck. Right in the middle of the giant hall there was a clear sign that said “Vault,” and there I was, expecting for such a massively guarded mine to have the vault hidden away somewhere. I instinctively took a turn toward it, but Penicillin let out an “Uhm,” and looked at me strange, so I stopped.
“I’m sure you want to inspect the – ahem – lower vault?”
The lower – OH, the lower vault! I get it. This one is for the robbers and the laymen, and the real vault’s down below. Clever.
“Of course I do. But I also want to see what you’ve done with this one.”
“Okay,” he slowly said and we went into the fake vault.
After two security checkpoints – they really put some effort in the charade! – we made it to a sealed door that was basically a smaller replica of the one we got in from, only with a comically oversized hoofwheel attached to it, probably as a failsafe in case the magic ran out. As soon as we got close enough, the wheel started turning and the door opened.
“Let’s see what you plant-“
Penicillin used his magic to light up the gems in the vault and at that point I cam to a strong conclusion: It either wasn’t a fake vault or they had made some very impressive imitation gold bars. Also: You can light up the gems with a basic illumination spell.
Breathe. Just breathe.
There was more gold in that vault than hay in a barn. It was stacked to the top, three ponies high, on both sides and the only reason I wasn’t salivating was because I kept wondering how much gold there was in the lower vault, if this was the one they were willing to sacrifice. But I kept my cool.
“Uhm, well, OK. I’m quite happy with this place, so if you don’t mind, we can – uhm – go to the lower vault. Now.”
I’m not sure if it was the smile that made his curious, or that I said if he didn’t mind, but Penicillin was starting to see through my disguise. Braeburn stepped in.
“Dr. Thornsworth gets claustrophobic at times. Is there anywhere we can sit down for a moment?”
Penicillin nodded like his head was on a spring, and I soon found myself in the showers of all places. Apparently that was the most open of all spaces here apart from the hall itself, but here we at least had some privacy. While Penciling went to get me a glass of water, Braeburn was telling me something, although in fairness, I was still in the vault. It wasn’t until he tapped me with his hoof that I came around.
“Do you understand? It’s much easier that way.”
Uhm...
“We’ll rob this place while you’re inspectin’ the lower vault, and we’ll meet up on the train back.”
The robbery – right!
I didn’t know where they were going to hide the gold until I got out or how they would get it on the train, but the plan had worked up until now, so I had no real reason to doubt them. Besides, they couldn’t just leave without me while I was down there because everypony thought they were here to escort me!
“Sounds like a plan!”
“Okay, now you tell ‘em somethin’ about why we can’t join you, so we can leave and get ready.”
The timing was perfect. A moment later, Penicillin arrived with the glass of water. I took it and drank it to keep up appearances. The tour guide was very happy about something, though.
“I’ve already made arrangements for you to be let into the lower vault, since I’m not allowed there. So, when you want to go just tell one of the Royal Guards or somepony from the Security Force to escort you to the elevator.”
To the what now?
I had no idea what he meant by that, but at least everything was taken care of. And I even learned what those contractors were called! Now I just had to make something up about where the Guards would be going while I was inspecting things below, and what better way to bluff somepony than to first make him feel important?
“Thank you, my dear colleague.” I tried making myself sound as gratuitous as possible, but that’s just so difficult to do when you really aren’t. “I’ll inform your supervisor of your enthusiasm, err – what’s your name, anyway?”
“Cloppy. Cloppy Hooves.”
No, he didn’t just say that.
I felt a smile forming under my lips. I tried to fight it with every fiber of my body, but then my eyes started bulging out ever so slightly from the pressure. The fact I had suddenly gone quiet and was looking at him without moving or blinking wasn’t helping. He rolled his eyes halfway to the side and looked at the ground at an angle. I’m sure I saw him sigh, even though he didn’t make a sound, but then I had bigger problems than what sounds he was or wasn’t producing.
Whatever you do…
“Yes, I know.“
…don’t under any circumstance...
“I don’t know why they did that.”
…start laughing.
“Nopony ever tells me when I get spinach stuck between my teeth. And today was spinach day.”
He turned to face me with his sad eyes just as he said that and time froze for a moment. There were no sounds, no vibrations, and no movement. The only thing I could feel was cold sweat slowly running down from the sides of my ears and down to my neck, with s single thought repeating in my mind like a broken record.
He doesn't know.
That was it. Breaking point. In all honesty, I had tried my best to keep calm and make fun of the poorly-named idiot behind his back later, but this was the atom that created the critical mass. I didn’t just burst out laughing, I fell to the floor and laughed for a good minute. In the end I had to be dragged away by my own little protection service. The last thing I remember, apart from tears completely blocking my vision, was the sound of somepony crying and multiple hoofsteps going away. When I regained my faculty the whole gang was standing around me.
“What?”
“He ran out cryin’! Ah had to chase him down and apologize in front of everypony out there!”
Braeburn wasn’t happy. And, judging by the looks on their faces, neither were the rest of them. I got back on my hooves and patted Braeburn on the shoulder.
“Don’t worry, now we’ve got the whole place to ourselves. You'll just take the potion and-“
“Y’all nearly blew our cover!" I had to disagree with that. "If they didn’t do a background check before, why wouldn’t they do one now?”
Oh.
So that might not have crossed my mind, but I’m nothing if not ingenious.
“OK, plan B.” I didn’t know half of what plan A was, but that didn’t matter at the moment. “We speed up plan A. You take the potion and get as much gold out as you can, I’ll take a quick look at the bottom vault, and Yellow, you sneak out of the base and come flying back with a message from Canterlot saying we have to go back immediately.”
Even I was surprised at how well the planning of the plan turned out. I could see that the others felt something similar, but they soon started nodding. Except for Blue. He had a problem.
“But, how are we gonna get outta here? The train comes and goes when it does, and it ain’t gonna leave ‘till evenin’.”
There are those who make plans and there are those who argue them. Let's spell it out.
“If Yellow comes flying with orders from Canterlot, they’ll give us a chariot and the Pegasi to move it.” That shut him up.
“But, wouldn’t Canterlot send their own sky-chariots to pick us up if it were so urgent?”
Uhm...
I haven’t really thought about that, but I couldn’t say that.
“Well, I think Sparkly Armor is still too scared to complain.”
“Shining.”
“What?”
“Shining Armor.”
“Whatever, let’s do this!”
We stormed out of the showers and into the connecting corridor. Then slowed down immediately because it would look suspicious if we came running out of there. I walked over to the first Security pony I could find and blankly told him to take me to the elevator – whatever that was, while the others went outside to disappear and come back for the gold.
“Right this way, Dr. Thornsworth!”
I like hearing my own name being said like that. That’s how others should always address me. Only Freemane, not Thornsworth, but I’ll let it slide for now.
We went thought the hall, past all the makeshift offices and the ponies stationed in them and into an inconspicuous corridor a little bit wider than the others. There were a few Royal Guards in it, trying to look like they just happen to be in there on a break or something, but they wouldn’t have been able to fool anypony. They were too tense for that and the way they followed us with their eyes wasn’t helping.
Don’t tell them they’re doing it wrong.
“So, here we are!”
We were standing at the end of the corridor, facing odd looking doors. They had no handles or knobs, but there was a golden slit in the wall next to them. The Guard inserted a key of some sort into it and the doors opened to reveal a small square room.
What? Is this supposed to be the vault? This isn’t even as big as my closet, and there’s nothing in it!
I wasn’t sure if he was playing me a fool or if this really was my destination. But come on, an empty room? I think he could see the daggers in my eyes when I looked at him.
“Well, hm, if there’s anything else you would like to know, I’d be happy to oblige… if not, the elevator is waiting to take us down.” He was nervous.
Elevator? So this is it huh?
I was at an impasse. I couldn’t just ask what that was but being herded into a small room with him crowding into my personal space wasn’t something I would normally allow without knowing what I was getting into. Figuratively and literally.
Damn!
I carefully went into the room. Once he got in, the door closed and I felt a weird jolt. At least the strange grinding noises that followed kept my thoughts away from the other pony’s body heat. Then another jolt came and the whole room shook before the door opened to reveal another white hall, as well as a familiar Guard.
“Dr. Thornsworth!”
Shining Armor. So this is where we do battle.
“I’m glad you finally made it. Would you like to take a look around, or would you like to go directly to the vault?”
What?
I thought he had seen past my disguise seeing as how there were two Guards next to him, but everything he said had an air of blissful ignorance about it. Either it was the world’s most elaborate trap, or he really did want to take me to the vault.
“I think the vault’s going to be the first stop.”
He replied with, “Very well,” and then said something I would never have even hoped for. “You’ll have the vault all to yourself. There hasn’t been anypony in it since the - ahem - incident.”
The incident? What, did somepony get buried under a mountain of gold, because that would be… Actually, that would be a pretty bad way to die. Awesome for those who would find you, though.
Since I had no idea what he was talking about, I just nodded, and while he was busy finishing his well-practiced monologue on which protocols he was following by keeping it empty, I was busy scanning the place. This hall was much narrower than the one above. It also had corridors built into it, but there was less chaos here and there weren’t any signs hanging from the ceiling. Instead of the wooden offices of the hall above, this one had them built into the walls, if the doors were anything to go by, and the whole place was an artist’s wet dream, with colorful stripes going across the walls close to the ground. There were also no contractors or even Guards down here, apart from the two escorting us, or three if you count Shining Armor, and there were just a few scientists walking around. The gem-lights were omnipresent, though.
This must be the brains of the operation.
And then I thought of something that nearly ruined the mood.
If Shining is here, then he can’t possibly be doing a background check, so this whole plan-B is pointless! We could have taken our time and went home with a train full of gold, instead of a few crates on a chariot. Although we would have to seize the train or there’d be no space-
I nearly bumped into one of the two Guards when they suddenly stopped in front of me. Then they moved to the sides to reveal Shining standing in front of a steel door.
Office 7. That’s exactly what I wanted!
When the door opened, and the two of us walked in, I was in for a surprise. There was a corridor in front of us. Only this one had giant metal rings showing through the concrete at the edges of the floor and ceiling. There were no doors or even any fixtures on the walls, only a large round metal door shining at the end of it. Only this one wasn’t steel, it was silver. And there was a golden plate with several levers and a suspiciously shaped hole in it in the marble next to the door frame. Which was also silver. He took out a strange-looking key and a scroll from the saddlebags and levitated them in front of me.
“Here we are, Dr. Thornsworth. Would you like to do the honors?”
OK. And I use these how?
Before I made a complete fool of myself, I unraveled the scroll and realized I was looking at the most complex security system ever devised by ponykind. There was a drawing that indicated the key going in the keyhole, a second drawing with the position of the levers, another one with music notes coming out of the plate and the final one that showed the key being turned. Really. That was it.
Somepony said, “Here’s 5000 bits. Design a security system for this place by tomorrow and I don’t care how you do it,” and the other pony went, “Yes.” They might as well have made a giant briefcase padlock with a 1-2-3-4-5 combination on it!
At least it made my life easier, so I carefully placed the key in the lock and focused to get all the tiny levers rotated into the right position. Sure enough, musical notes came out every time I hit the right position, and then I turned the key. After some clunking noises a heavy thud from the door signaled that the bolts were out of the way. The whole door hissed and let off steam, then began vibrating slightly. A very specific noise appeared and got louder with every second and it wasn’t a good kind of noise either. It was pure rusty metal on rusty metal action and I was holding my hooves to my ears to preserve my sanity.
Hasn’t anypony here heard of lubrication?!
A few grinding seconds later, the whole corridor went quiet and the shaking stopped. I looked at the opened door in front of me and, sure enough, behind the shiny exterior the rest of the door and the inside part of the frame were covered in rust. They weren’t silver, but brown. Which also meant the door itself wasn’t silver, but steel. The only thing missing were the lights in the next room, but there would be time for that.
Somepony here got the idea of making this place more presentable but didn’t want to spend too much money on it. So he told some intern to make this door shine and he took that literally. I guess if nopony ever told him that door maintenance extends beyond the visible side of it, I can’t even blame him. He did his job.
I walked into the darkness in front of me when all Tartarus broke lose. In the space of a second, everything happened. First, an alarm sounded, which was worrying for all the right reasons, as was the fact that it came out of nowhere and was loud enough that I didn’t actually hear it, but more felt it rearranging the molecules in my bones. Then, just as I was turning my head back to look at the Guards, I caught a glimpse of them waving their hooves around and yelling. I didn’t even have the time to wonder why I was seeing less and less of them before a sped up version of a familiar shrieking noise cut through the alarm, and before I could move, the door had already slammed shut. They were surprisingly agile given their size.
Don’t. Panic.
Just as I managed to spark an illumination spell so that I wouldn’t be trapped Celestia-knows how far down under the mountain in complete darkness, I heard something.
“Dr. Thornsworth? Can you hear me?”
I didn’t panic, but I will have to remind myself not to go crazy the next time something like this happens.
“Dr. Thornsworth?”
No. Of all the voices I could be hearing, I get Shining Armor. This isn’t fair. I-
“I hope you can hear me, but I guess your communicator is broken.”
Communicator?
I leaned in close to the door and tried to pinpoint the source of the sound.
“We’ve had a breach in the upper vault and the system has locked you in, but don’t worry! As soon as we deal with the threat, we’ll re-set it and you’ll be out! Just stay calm and we’ll be back as soon as we can.”
The moment he stopped talking was the moment I found myself face-to-face with the golden panel. I did want to facehoof, but the need to shout at them for leaving me alone in the darkness was overwhelming.
“So you’re just going to leave me here?!” I tapped and kicked at the levers and the panel as a whole, but it didn’t do anything. “Hello?”
Stupid communicator. How- Wait a minute. Did he say the upper vault?
It’s a funny sensation when your blood freezes; kind of like somepony making snow cones under your skin, only less fun and with a higher chance of death.
If they get caught, how in the hay am I going to get out of here?
The only upside I could see was that they hadn’t found out who was behind the breach. Yet. But as soon as they would, my cover would disappear faster than the supplies in my lab. There was only one way out.
There has to be a backup to this. Nopony builds an impermeable door without a failsafe. Right?
If I could open the door before the Guards came back and convince somepony down there to take me up on the elevator, I could be out of there before anypony knew. That did rely on one thing, though.
So. Where’s the control panel? I know there has to be one.
For the first time, I took a look around. The inside of the room was cold and dark, but at least I saw the same gem-lamps that were in the rest of the facility. A quick burst of magic was enough to bring them to life and what I saw was a corridor perpendicular to the one I had just been in.
What kind of a maze is this place? There’s just one corridor after another. At least the one outside had markings on the floor!
This corridor was also higher and wider than the one before, almost the size of the lower hall, which explains why I thought it was a room, but there was something strange about it. To my far left was a door that looked exactly like the one I had just come through, only without the rust. There was another one to my right, only that one was square and big enough to serve as a draw bridge, if it could open like that, and it had two lines of red tape forming a cross over it. There were also several office doors on both sides of the corridor.
So is this the vault, or is that the vault? I can’t help feel being drawn to those giganto doors down there, but I just know I’ll need a key or something for it… And what does it say on the tape anyway?
I squinted. The message on the red tape said something about only authorized personnel being allowed through and the word “danger” was liberally applied all over the thing. Didn’t see the gold panel, though.
It’s probably hidden behind the tape. Well, since Shining didn’t give me the key to this one, it must be in here somewhere. But where?
You know how a detective has to get into the mindset of a killer if he wants to track him down? And how he does that by using evidence of past activity as a guideline to the killer’s mentality? Well, now it was my turn to play detective! And the only thing I had to go on was the security of the mine up until this point.
Where would I stash the key to the most secure thing outside of Celestia’s bedroom, if I had the mental capacity of a foal?
There really only was one answer.
To the offices!
“Aw! Damn!”
I nearly tripped when I took a step farther. There were grooves cut into the floor, two of them to be precise, and they went from the labeled door to the shiny one on my left. They kind of looked like inverted railway tracks.
Stupid negatives.
I went through the nearest door and found myself in familiar surroundings. There was a desk with all the usual office supplies, a lot of books on shelves and the ubiquitous filing cabinet waiting for me. I took a closer look at the books but turned away when I saw they were dealing with magic.
“Pffft.”
Magic. If you need magic to help with your math, get a different job!
There was nothing in there that would immediately grab my attention, so I turned back to the door and nearly got a heart attack. There was an all-black hazmat suit hung behind the door on the wall. Next to it, there was a baton and some extra pads for the knees and neck, along with a small selection of oversize syringes. A strange pendant hung on a lone nail. I had to take a closer look.
What are you supposed to be?
It was a single four-sided piece of gold with a small cut in it that was filled with something green. It looked kind of like a gem, only I had never seen a gem quite as strangely shaped as that one before. It was thin and long and, given the thinness of the pendant itself, couldn’t exactly have been very thick either. And the hole for the golden string wasn't even in what should have been the top of the pendant, so I immediately knew that what I was holding was obviously meant to be a part of something bigger. The way it was now, with just a single golden tooth sticking out of thin air, it was just a bit pathetic. The green part did shimmer nicely when you turned it right, though.
I’m going to go out on a limb and say you’re the key. Part of it, at least. And the remaining parts are in…
There were five more rooms to go into on the side I was on and four more on the other, with two doors on each side of the corridor I had come from. I could have gone one-by one until I got all the parts, but how unimaginative is that? Especially since the whole place was apparently deserted. I needed some fun.
Zigzag maybe? Or do I do it randomly and see how long it takes to get all the pieces? Zigzag.
I ran out of the office and into the door on the opposite side, only to realize that getting the other parts of the key was going to be way easier than I originally thought. The door I went to didn’t lead to an office, but to a medical station. It had two entrances, so I assumed the other two doors on this side were also leading into something like that. And what a medical station it was! There was a large operating table in the middle, a whole bunch of machinery and instruments on the back wall and countless medical items lying around on desks.
These guys really take care of their workers, I’ll give them that! But why would you put the operating room way into the vault where nopony can get to it?
The other two doors on the exit side of the corridor suddenly became quite a lot less interesting. There was nothing I could steal that wouldn’t raise some serious doubts at whoever I was going to pawn the stuff off to, so I made my way across the offices instead. And, wouldn’t you know, inside every one of them was a piece of the pendant.
They think that once you’re past the main gate, you must be part of the crowd, because there’s no way to get around the security there, so there’s no need to hide anything. Didn’t count on me now, did you?
It didn’t take a lot of effort to combine the fragments into a whole; they almost seemed to be pulled together. Probably by magnets or something. The final shape was a sort of circle with a pentagram on top of it and when I placed the final one in, the gems in the fragments – or whatever they were – started glowing, each in their own color.
I can never be seen wearing this in public. Never. Now where’s the lock that takes this key?
Not that I could even wear it in public. If the glow wouldn’t give it away, the fact that it had five extra chains falling from it like overcooked noodles would cause suspicion. It really was just a key and the only reason I was forced to wear it was because I didn’t have my saddlebags. The only thing missing now was the keyhole. The massive door at the far end of the corridor was the obvious choice but once I got there, the only thing I saw was a strange protrusion in the wall. It was the same shape as the pendant, only there was no way to actually attach the pendant to it.
The grooves are too shallow and there's nowhere to put the chains. How does this work? What, do I just swipe this thing across-
As I did that, a faint rainbow formed between the pendant and the lock. I looked around for a moment and then tried again, carefully bringing the pendant to the wall. Another rainbow formed and it got more powerful the closer I held it. Then, when the two were almost touching, the rainbow temporarily flashed white and disappeared.
So that was it?
Loud clunking noises came from the door, only this time they lasted for what felt like an eternity. Then it was time for another shock, as the whole door raise upwards into the ceiling.
How can it go UP?! It shouldn’t be able to do that! Damn. This place must be storing so much magical energy that it would be able to move a mountain!
At least the lights didn’t come on automatically, like I secretly expected them to. I was again left staring into the darkness.
Nothing a little magic can’t fix! Now where’s the gold?
There was one difference between this vault and the one above. This one didn’t have any gems that I could see, but then it also didn’t have something else.
Where’s the gold!?
Instead of the warm, welcoming glow of gold, the only thing I could make out from the feeble light coming from my horn were giant cylinder-shaped vats with narrow windows in them. They were filled with some kind of ooze and I could see the inverted railway tracks leading up from the center ones to the base of each vat. I had to take a closer look.
Are they making tacky jelly? But why would you-
Something large floated by the window. I’m not usually very jumpy, but there’s always time to make an exception.
“AAAAAAAAAAHHH!”
I went back to the entrance with rapid motions. Not running, just trotting. Very fast. Then I knocked on the door and politely asked to be let out.
“LET ME OUT! YOU BASTARDS! LET! ME! OUT!” I had to catch my breath. “This place isn’t a vault, it’s a morgue.”
I spent a few minutes knocking on the door until I realized that the sheer thickness of them meant I wasn’t going to be heard, so I stopped and looked around again.
There is a shiny gold panel by the shiny silver door, but that key’s on the outside, so that’s out. The offices lead nowhere. And the morgue, well, that’s a morgue. And there’s nothing in a morgue except for… A panic button. There has to be.
I rubbed my forehead feeling just a little bit disappointed at my initial reaction, then went back into the morgue.
This is a pretty big morgue.
It was a big morgue. There were those vats or tanks or tubes or whatever you want to call them, but that was about as much as my horn could illuminate. I passed a dozen of them, six on each side, before I started seeing the lighter side to the place.
We’ve got pickled ponies, so that’s something!
But the vats wouldn’t stop. And neither would my curiosity.
How did these ponies die anyway? Cave in? Carbon monoxide? Cooties?
I had to take a closer look, so I leaned in toward one of the windows, only this time I was ready for something to float by.
Come on, I know you’re in there.
And then it did float by.
“Ah!”
I jerked back. I might have been prepared, but I wasn’t prepared for that.
What was that!? Should I even…
I had to take another look.
Is that… a dragon fetus? But it’s deformed. And that doesn’t look like a claw at all!
It wasn’t until an oversized hoof came floating by that I rejected my first hypothesis. It wasn’t a dragon.
“You got caught up in something bad, didn’t you?”
And this is why we have those spellbooks with foalproof locks on them. I wonder if they all died like that.
I went around from one to the other and, sure enough, there was a strangely deformed pony in each and every one of them. What surprised me, though, was that no two corpses were completely alike. Similar, maybe, but never the same.
I like how they at least took care to die originally. It would be such a shame if you fried yourself up with magic and ended up looking like the corps next door.
Just as I was starting to get bored with going back and forth between vats, I turned to face the next one and found a fence cutting across the room instead. I couldn’t see what was beyond it, but I could see why it was there when I bowed down to have a closer look.
How long is that drop?
Somehow, I didn’t really feel like climbing over and finding out, so I followed it. At the center, right at the tracks, the fence turned ninety degrees and went off into the darkness on both sides of the room, on what must have been the bridge, so I did what every brave explorer would do.
If a trolley suddenly comes careening down the track when I’m up there, I’m going to be crushed. Unless I jump over the fence and fall to my death. But at least I have options!
I wasn’t really sure if it was better to gallop, trot or walk. They all had their ups and downs. Galloping would get me to the other side faster, but that was assuming there was an other side in the first place. All those warnings on the door could have been saying: “The lights are out and so is the bridge.” On the other hoof, they could have been warning me about some kind of radiation, in which case walking was bound to get me more exposed than galloping by the time I’d have figured it out. And trotting? That was just the halfway solution. And I don’t do halfway solutions.
Here’s to hoping I won’t be begging for another flight potion.
In all fairness, I did second-guess that decision the moment I jumped onto the bridge and heard the distinct sound of a hoof meeting a metal surface, but the momentum did the rest.
Don’t suddenly end. Don’t- What?!
The good news was that it didn’t end. The bad news was that somepony had left an oddly angled metal container nearly as tall as a pony in the middle of the tracks. All pain aside, I was at least glad nopony could see me mounting it.
“What kind on an idiot…”
…leaves a container in the middle of the tracks? It isn’t a trolley! And it’s not like the tracks-
The tracks turned into a fork right before it. Each new set of tracks was going off to the side behind me and descended into the darkness. The fence was also going toward the sides of the room – if I could even call it that anymore – once again. Still, there was another, curved, fence just beyond the container. And that’s when I noticed the same kind of protrusion on the top of the container than I’d seen before at the door. That also reminded me.
How far away from the entrance am I any- That’s pretty far.
The giant door was nothing but a small square of light and suddenly seeing the hazy outline of all the vats I’d passed didn’t make me feel very comfortable.
If that door closes right now, I can’t be held responsible for what I’m going to do. Just like in the war.
The weird container was suddenly my top priority. I brought the pendant-key up to the protrusion and, sure enough, the same rainbow formed, turned white, and disappeared. And then it happened.
The container hissed and started letting out steam, a strange vibration came through the metal floor, and the whole place started lighting up, but before I could look around at the twinkles in the sky that were becoming brighter with every moment, a piercing white light appeared in front of me as the container slowly opened. I shielded my eyes with a hoof, but otherwise, I took it well.
“Aaaahhh! Why do I do this? Why do I usher in the white apocalypse?!”
I picked myself up from the ground when the shining stopped. I also heard a familiar clunking sound from behind, but there were more pressing matters to think about. The whole room was lit up now, and I could see from my peripherals that there was a giant space around me, but my eyes were firmly fixed on what was in front and below me, in the container.
Is that…
It was.
An armored hazmat suit.
It was beautiful. The upper part was a metallic greenish-grey, with an orange chest plate. The lower part was mostly orange, with the strange metal only serving as bracing for more strength at the legs. There was a sign where the helmet should have been.
“HEV Suit. Huh. But what’s this?”
I turned it around and saw the greatest sight I’d seen all day.
“Built-in saddlebags!”
Right before I started cheering, I lifted my head up and saw the rest of the place, which was perfectly lit by now. And no, I couldn’t call it a room anymore. I was obviously standing on a raised platform, because what I saw all around me were the tops of vats. Hundreds of them, separated into lines by those damn carved-in tracks. The only thing that made the scene better was when I noticed that more than a few of the vats were broken and I could see the green ooze still inside them, and splattered on the vats nearby. Something about somepony running around, destroying those liquid coffins, didn't add up.
Actually, that one looks like it was broken from the inside. And that one. And- What was that?