"Sports do not build character. They reveal it." -Heywood Broun
“So we’re gonna be playing a bunch of feathered, hollow-boned, six-limbed freaks who don’t know shit about the ground,” I shouted at my team, grinning widely. “I don’t know what’s more depressing: the fact that they’ve never smelled a flower or the fact that they’re gonna get chopped from the Championship on day one!”
A chorus of little cheers met my declaration, and my grin intensified. “Now, for all you pegasi on this team, I don’t mean to offend you. Well, maybe just a little bit, but I mainly direct these insults to those fucking birds that have come to try and perch on our shot at winning THAT FUCKING CHAMPIONSHIP. AND I’LL BE DAMNED IF SOME FUCKING PIGEON-ASS MOTHERFUCKERS TRY TO PECK US OUT. THEY WON’T BE THE ONES SHITTING ON MY CAR! WE’LL BE THE ONES SHITTING ON THEIR CARS.”
“I don’t get it.”
“Shut the FUCK UP Featherweight, nobody cares what you think.” I put my hand out towards the Ponyville team, smiling all the way. “Who’s gonna tear these cloud-huffing fowls a new functional ASSHOLE?”
A variety of colored hooves landed atop my own, and I threw my mittened palm into the air. “GO PONYVILLE,” blasted from the Schoolhouse, cracking the windows and shaking the floorboards. Twenty minutes away from game one, and we were super fucking pumped.
\\\\||||////
Ten minutes away from Game One- Ponyville VS Cloudsdale
“Look at these ground-humping pansies. We can fly circles around these chumps any day of the week.” The gray pegasus colt snickered and shared a hoof bump with two of his compatriots. “This is gonna be a breeze.”
Team Ponyville was making its way across the field to its bleachers, looking determined and ready for a fight. The gray pegasus shook his head, tut-tutting at his opponents’ expressions. “That simply won’t do, will it girls?” The other two pegasi shook their heads and grinned.
Scooping up a mound of dirt, one of the fillies threw it at the other team, earning a yelp from one of the players at the front. The pegasi began to snicker at their deed, high-hoofing one another in glee. “Bullseye!”
“WHO THE FUCK THREW THAT DIRT?” The shout carried across the entire field, silencing all the chatter, even amongst the hundreds of ponies watching from stands and benches. A bipedal creature wearing a floppy-eared hat, a Ponyville jersey, green mittens, shorts, and dress shoes stepped out. He immediately snapped his eyes to the three pegasi.
In a flash, the pegasi found that the creature was face-to-face with their ring-leader. The gray colt jumped back slightly, alarmed at the creature’s swiftness. “Get outta my face, freak!” The colt went to shove the creature, only for his hooves to be grabbed and twisted to either side of the strange being’s body.
“Oh c’mon, you had to have heard of me. Loud-mouthed, anti-magic speed demon of Canterlot? The one that took out a crowd of raging ponies in one punch and went toe-to-toe with a dragon in the Everfree? The one that told every Princess he met to go and shove a garden spade up her ass? The one that out-pranked Rainbow Dash and smiled when Luna brought her magic against him?” The bipedal thing leaned closer to the colt’s ear. “Not ringing a bell? How about the intergalactic alien who brought Shining Armor and his guards to a screeching halt? Nope? Oh well, okay then.”
The creature let go of the colt, who stumbled back. The two other fillies jumped in front of him, their wings flared. “Back up, jerk! You touch him again and you’re toast.” The creature put its mittened hands up and shrugged, backing off slowly. One filly looked back at the colt. “You okay, Thunder?”
“Why didn’t you two do something while he was holding me? What in Tartarus took you so long?!” The two fillies looked between one another and quirked an eyebrow at Thunder.
“He only touched you for a second, Thunder.”
\\\\||||////
“Fucking dickhead,” I grumbled as I made my way back to my team. Not even on the field yet and those feathery fucktards had some shit to spout already. Save the jeering for the game, for Christ’s sake. “You good, Twist?”
The nerd gave me a nod and a smile, clearing off her glasses with a hoof. Nodding back, I pointed to our bleachers and let my team take their seats on the wooden planks. Now all I had to do was meet with the refs, discuss tactics with Cheerilee, bomb Team Cloudsdale and rub our victory in Rainbow Dash’s face. Easy.
I looked up at the sky, taking a deep breath on this beautiful May afternoon. Not a cloud in the sky. Not until the fucking pegasi showed up, that is. In seconds, the warm rays of the sun were blocked by hundreds of onlookers who had taken to the skies to catch the action.
“Oh fucking hell no.” That shit wasn’t gonna fly while I was playing down here. I was promised a bright, clear day, and motherfucker I was gonna get one. “We’re playing Kickball, right?” I asked Sweetie Belle, still keeping my eyes glued to the skies.
“Yeah,” she said, “how could you not remember that?”
“Doesn’t matter, just throw me a ball.” A red kickball entered my mittened hand, and I narrowed my eyes at my chosen target. Looking back down at Team Cloudsdale, I gave a loud, shrill whistle. “HEADS UP, BITCHES!” I let the ball drop to my foot as their entire team watched me.
KRAKOOM
A flash of red was all anyone saw before a stallion recoiled wordlessly and rocketed up into the sky. The cloud he had been lounging upon had a neat hole directly in its center, and his personal belongings began to rain down on everybody. Quick as a blink, I snatched a pair of binoculars and peered straight up. There he was, alright, hollering and flailing about. The air must’ve been too thin for him to fly all the way up there. “Boom, nigga.”
Tossing the binoculars aside, I raised my arms and popped the birds at Team Cloudsdale and sat down on our team’s frontmost bench. “Mono! That was completely uncalled for!” Cheerilee had already decided to start giving me shit; hasn’t she ever heard of tactics?
“It was totally called for, Cheers. Do me a favor: look at their team. Whaddya see?” I asked her, my arms crossed with one hand poking out to point at the overgrown waterfowl. The teacher rolled her eyes and looked over at Team Cloudsdale. Already they had grouped up and were feverishly discussing something, concern all over their muzzles. Or maybe that was indigestion but whatever.
“Those are the faces of fear, Ms. Cheerilee. Even though one I’m in the game I can’t use my powers, they’ll still think that I’m ridiculously overpowered. That’ll give us a good ten minutes before they find out that I can’t access my abilities, and by then it’ll be too late.” Cheerilee was now nodding slowly. “In other words: they’re already dead.”
Two out of three of my plans were completed. Now it was time for a little self-indulgence. Something that had been on my bucket list since my immature mind had gone wild at age twelve. Standing back up, I looked at Team Ponyville and grinned. “Alright you guys, time to build some morale. You remember the chant, right?”
They all pumped their hooves and cheered. “Yeah! Let’s do it! Go Ponyville!” I smiled back, not feeling the least bit guilty about what I was about to have them do.
\\\\||||////
Yesterday
“You guys got it?” Mono asked his team, pointing at each of them. They all nodded and grinned. “Now remember, you have to say it as loud as you can and with a helluva lot of gusto!”
Cheerilee walked inside as soon as he finished his prep, quirking an eyebrow. “What are you all doing in here?” She looked around and everyone assembled in the room. This was all of Team Ponyville. “Mono, what are you doing?”
“Chill! Cheers, in the spirit of competition and sports, I was just teaching them an ancient word from my country!” Mono motioned with his hands. “A cultural thing, y’know? Just something to do to get everybody pumped up and ready to dominate the other team.”
“Ah, I understand. What is this word that you’re teaching them?”
Mono grinned an innocent grin. “Well, in my people’s ancient language, it means ‘victory’.”
\\\\||||////
Today
Mono and his team assembled on the middle of the field, just three minutes from Game Start. All of the onlookers gazed out upon the field, giving Team Ponyville the spotlight for the moment. The moment Mono fulfilled one of his most dastardly dreams.
“Fillies and Gentlecolts, on behalf of myself and Ponyville, I would like to introduce a word from my country’s language. It is an ancient word meaning ‘victory’ and I urge you to join in with us once you have heard it. LET’S GO TEAM PONYVILLE!”
All of the little fillies and colts sucked in a huge breath of air to deliver what would be a truly astounding performance. Preparing to shout, they looked at Mono to give the signal. With a nod, they bellowed their chant.
“SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA!”
The crowd responded with a continuous flow of “smegma”, and Mono instantly fell to the floor crying in laughter as they continued to chant.
“SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA!”
The ponies of Ponyville were stomping their hooves and chanting the word with as much force as they could, oblivious grins and smiles on their faces. “SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA!”
Mono hopped up with a huge smile on his face and jumped high into the air.
‘VICTORY!”
“VICTORY! YEAH!”
A roar that shook the earth exploded from the stands, and Team Cloudsdale shifted nervously. Mono fist pumped and turned to his team, barely restrained laughter held behind his face. “Fantastic fucking job. Now are you guys ready to eat Cloudsdale and shit some fucking feathers out?!” He was answered by a cheer from Team Ponyville and a disapproving glare from Cheerilee.
\\\\||||////
I opened the bottle Sure Bitch had given me and frowned. “Fucking bullshit-ass piece of shit whore cunt-stained splooge-eaters.” I was pissed that the fucking griffons had tattled on me like a bunch of sore eight-year olds. “Fine, whatever, take my speed. I’m getting strength, agility, and endurance instead.” Grabbing one of the pills, I popped it into my mouth and took a swig of water.
Down the fucking hatch it went.
“Team Ponyville! Are you ready?” a voice called from the pitcher’s mound. I looked up and saw the ref, a pegasus with brown fur and a sandy mane, looking expectantly at us. I stood up and nodded my head.
“Friggin’ yup,” I said to him. Nodding back to me, he turned to Cloudsdale and asked them the same. They all jumped up and shouted ‘yes’ back to him. “Yeah yeah, get psyched up for nothing, you furry cloud-huffers.”
“Celestia or Luna?”
I blinked at the ref. “What?”
He showed me a coin and quirked an eyebrow. “Celestia or Luna?”
“Oh. Luna, I guess. Does it really friggin’ matter though?”
The ref shrugged and threw the coin in the air. It came back down and landed perfectly on his snout. Crossing his eyes, he nodded and turned to Team Cloudsdale. “Celestia. Team Cloudsdale gets first pick of either field or kick.”
“Kick,” their leader said immediately.
“Che, fucker.” I narrowed my gaze at the silver pegasus and snorted once.
“Alright players, take your positions immediately!”
I turned to the field and walked to the pitcher’s mound, feeling slightly sluggish but definitely beefier. That pill also made everything smell like wasabi, which was slightly unpleasant. Eh, side effects would be side effects. “Ball,” I said, and a red kickball was thrown to me.
It fit nicely in my mittened palm, and felt just like the ones at home. It also smelt of wasabi. Giving it a bit of a spin, I checked my sense of balance and whether or not it was affected. It totally was. The ball continued spinning even as I moved my arm about wildly, my arm automatically keeping it balanced as long as I focused on the task. “Sweet shit.”
“TEAM PONYVILLE VERSUS TEAM CLOUDSDALE: BEGIN!”
A cheer swept through the crowds as the first kicker stepped up to the plate. Flaring her wings, she gave a determined grin and a taunting wing flex that simulated ‘come at me bro’. I shrugged and pulled my arm back, readying the ball. She pulled her forehoof back, awaiting the target. I flinched once, and so did she.
I couldn’t help it, I grinned so wide that my canines shone in the sun. She caught sight of those and grew concerned.
“Good.”
“BATTER UP!” I shouted and threw the ball along the ground as hard as I could. Perhaps too hard. A streak of dust and grass raced toward home plate, making a buzz-saw sound as it did. In a second, it raced past our catcher and the ref, hitting the fence and making that the first ball.
“Huh. So I’m stronger than before? She wasn’t kidding, huh?”
“Ball!”
The red ball was thrown back to me, and I caught it with one hand. “A little slower this time.”
I released the ball again, but not as fast, letting it travel while I could still see it. It was still pretty damn fast. The ball raced past the filly before she could kick, and she blinked when it flew by her in a flash. “Strike one!”
The ground-based crowd cheered, much to the chagrin of the cloud-lounging pegasi up above. The ball was returned, and I decided to get interesting. This time, I chucked the ball at a strange angle, setting it at a curve that homed in towards the plate. Confused, the filly’s hoof overshot it and she fell over.
Laughter met her as the ref called strike two.
I was given the ball again, and swiftly delivered it to home plate. This time, however, she whacked it real good, sending it out as a foul, but it went far as fucking hell. It even smacked a stallion in the face, sending his corn cob straight down his throat. I looked back at the pegasus filly. Gone was the uncertainty.
She was glaring directly at me, pissed as fuck and ready to deliver. I narrowed my eyes and lowered my head slightly in response.
\\\\||||////
From where Twilight Sparkle was in the stands, she could see Mono’s face perfectly. It grew dark in just a moment, and he lowered his head only slightly as his entire visage became obscured by shadow. Only two white slits– presumably his eyes– remained.
“What in the-?”
\\\\||||////
I let loose.
\\\\||||////
It was over in a flash, Sweetie hadn’t even seen when the ball had left Mono’s hand. It was there one moment, he lunged forward, and it was now held in Twist’s grasp at home plate.
“You’re out!”
Mono stood straight once again, except with no grin present on his face. “Is he being… serious?” Sweetie’s thoughts raced at the very proposition at Mono taking something seriously. The things he would be capable of if he actually held a solid line of tactical thought or formulated any kind of plan would be spectacular.
“Sweetie Belle,” Mono said from his place at the pitcher’s mound. Sweetie cocked her head to the side as she watched Mono from the benches. His head slowly rose to meet her’s, the whites of his eyes seeming to shine with maleficent energy.
This was what Mono was truly capable of when he put his nose to the grindstone. Truly, a force to be-
“I GOT THAT FUCKER GOOD, HUH?”
“No, he’s not taking this seriously at all.”
Mono’s laughter roared with the crowd’s cheers, and he began flexing for everypony to see. The Ponyville citizens continued to cheer, and Mono’s grin became ever wider. The ball was thrown back to him, and the human began to bounce it, awaiting his next opponent.
“You’re gonna need to send somebody at least worth stepping up to the plate,” he challenged. “I mean, I’m taking drugs to restrict myself and you’re already getting dusted. I mean come on, you’re all legs! This game should be a cake walk for you!”
Mono dropped the kickball. “Oh wait, how could I forget, that’s the earth ponies’ thing. Yeah, you fuckers are goin’ down easier than a glass of apple juice.” The onlookers grouped on the benches began to chant ‘Ponyville’ over and over while Mono locked gazes with Cloudsdale’s youth leader.
It wasn’t clear at first, but now, with the way she was glaring at Mono and with her hat pulled low over her eyes, it was plain as white bread. Pink fur with a blonde mane and blue eyes. Intense blue eyes. She was their head honcho.
With a swing of her head, the next kicker went out: a brutish-looking pegasus with a snarl on his young face and a body more fitting for somepony several years older. Mono gave out a shrill whistle and pointed at the colt.
“Look at this growth hormone-chugging pencil dick! You couldn’t kick a ball if you could even find ‘em loaded under you!” Mono laughed when the colt snorted steam, and the human brought the ball to bear. “Incoming!”
Mono threw the ball straight down the middle, a grin marking his face as per usual. The colt at the plate, however, grinned too. A quick flex of his muscled body and the pony demolished Mono’s pitch, sending it clear over the entirety of the Ponyville team and into the trees.
Cloudsdale cheered while Mono stared into the distance where the ball had shaved the top of a couple trees off. He looked back towards Team Cloudsdale and saw the youth leader smirking victoriously. Mono narrowed his eyes and bared his teeth, picking at his canines with his tongue as the colt touched home plate.
“Home run! Safe! Cloudsdale up one point, Ponyville at zero with one out against Cloudsdale!”
Mono snapped his jaws shut, and a new ball entered his mittened hand. “Alright then, you wanna play? Then let’s fuckin’ play, Buffalo Wings.” The youth leader sent another colt out, this one lean and well-built as well. The colt flexed his wings a few times and got ready for the pitch.
“Special delivery for Fuck Face!”
The ball exploded down towards home plate and past the colt, slamming into Twist’s stomach. The filly fell over, but held onto the ball. “Strike one,” the ref called behind her. Mono stared at Twist, tapping his foot impatiently.
“You okay?” Twist nodded in response. “Okay, just let me know if I’ve got your stomach in a twist!” Nopony laughed at Mono’s pun, but he shrugged the lack of response off. “Whatever, I’m a genius.”
The ball was given and Mono returned it like a letter with bad postage. This time, Twist caught it with her hooves, effectively stopping it with her earth pony strength. Again Mono was given the ball and again he struck out a Cloudsdale player, sending the colt back.
He repeated this a final time with the next kicker, proceeding to call the frustrated filly a “whiny pussy-footed wanker” whilst doing a handstand and poking his tongue out. The teams switched positions, and Mono came face to face with the youth leader of Cloudsdale.
“Mono Nucleosis,” she said evenly.
“Dumb assortment of mismatched colors,” he responded in kind.
“My name’s Stratosphere.”
“I’m sorry, did you say: ‘I’m a queer’?”
She shook her head. “No! Stratosphere!”
“One light beer? I think you’re a little young.”
“Stratosphere!”
“Mates with Deer? Is that some tribal name you were given?”
Stratosphere began to grind her teeth together while steam blew from her ears, her temper starting to get the best of her. In another moment, however, her face lit up in understanding and she grinned. “Oh, you’re good.”
Mono grinned and replied with, “I know.” The two simply smiled at one another until shouts from their teams pulled them back to reality. The human and the pegasus each gave one another a final nod before jogging back to their teams.
\\\\||||////
Snails got struck out faster than than you can say “Snail's a pussy” and next up was Snips. God save us from this line up. I had left that to Cheerilee, and she had deemed that the worst players go first, without actually knowing that they were bad, of course.
And then Snips’ stubby-ass midget legs couldn’t kick the ball far enough, resulting in another out. I turned around and slammed my head into the bench. “This shit is brutal.”
“Mono! You’re up!”
“This shit is fantastic!” I thought, striding over to the plate and dropping my right foot squarely onto home plate. I then brought my leg up and slammed it back down again. That Stratosphere bitch was pitching, just as I was. “Gimme some sugar.”
She snorted once and chucked the ball with her wing, putting it on an express delivery route to me. Just too bad she chose two-day shipping…
My leg stretched back and instantaneously fired, the very tip of my shoe burying itself deep inside the squishy red walls of the ball. The classic ‘spwing’ sound of the kickball sounded and it shot off past the pitcher’s mound and far into left field, where it landed in the ‘sweet spot’ where none of those feathered pansies could get it in time.
The entire time it had been flying I was sprinting to first base, and by the time it landed I was half-way to second. The pegasi were fast, though, and their fucking wings made me haul-ass to the next base.
The ball was thrown violently, its launcher clearly intending to peg me with it. I dug my heels into the ground and thrust my butt out, barely dodging the red ball as it blasted past my stomach. I laughed all the way to second and saw that they were scrambling for the ball.
“THIRD OR BUST!” I shouted and took off once again with my sights on the final field base. I could hear the pegasi behind me preparing for a throw, and so I jumped and hit the ground sliding. I looked up and saw that I had touched the base just seconds before the ball had reached the pony at base.
“Safe!”
I leapt up and taunted the third-baseman immediately. “Safer than birth control, bro!” The colt gave me a confused look and I just rolled my eyes. “NEXT!”
\\\\||||////
At the seventh inning stretch, we were all feeling winded. Even me, surprisingly enough. Outs and runs, shouts and curses, and bad manners all around. It seemed that name-calling and being a general asswipe wouldn’t get you thrown out, which was just the perfect environment for me.
We now had ten minutes to eat, stretch, and take piss breaks, so naturally I went over to Stratosphere to shit talk her team. “Whaddup, skuzzy?”
“Is that even a word?”
“Fuck if I know, Tryndamere. Sounds offensive, though.” I checked out the score board: tied up at seventeen. “You know, if my retarded team beats your retarded team, they’ll absorb their power and only be complete fucking morons. They seriously need this so please fuck off.”
“Don’t walk over here on your two legs and tell me to fuck off. I’ll beat that cheeky smile off your face and grind it into the dirt with the worms. Filthy ground-kissing trash.”
“Pssh, whatever. Just enjoy all the smog that my factories are gonna be making once my business takes off. Talk shit about the ground when you can’t breathe, fuckface.” I flipped her the double birds and waved them around for added effect.
“What are you doing with your claws?”
“They’re not claws, they’re fingers… Oh for fuck’s sake! These bad boys are pointless in this universe!” I sheathed my weapons of mass offending and pouted. “You know you aren’t going to win, right? The second this pill wears off I’ll be back in the game. I’ll be so deep in the game that-“
“Shut up. I don’t want to hear what you have to say.”
I stared at the little cloud-huffer with wide eyes. “What? Whaddya mean you don’t wanna-“
“Shut the Tartarus up, monkey. I can feel my brain cells dying every second that you’re allowed to open your atrocious meat-eating mouth and I swear I will deck you in your furless face so hard you’ll be seeing upside down unless you stop talking right now.”
“Holy shit, that was a really good threat…” My instincts had to respect her for that sickass comeback and my tank was running on empty at this point. If I called her bluff and it turned out to be a real threat that she delivered on, we’d both be thrown out of the game and we’d lose. If I backed down in front of my team and theirs, I’d look like a total puss.
It should be pretty clear which option I stuck with.
“Deliver, you down-syndrome bir-“
thwock!
“Holy fuckin’ shit…” My vision swam as I held my nose, feeling a slight wetness beneath my fingers signifying the fact that my hands were quickly soaking in my own damn life juices. As the world came back into focus, so did that sucker punch’s owner, and I hissed out through my bloodied face some choice words. “Fowl’s for dinner, and it is about to be served.”
\\\\||||////
Sweetie Belle was busy talking with Twist and Snails when a shout sounded from across the field. The shout multiplied into many more, and soon it was all out chanting and cheering. Standing atop the benches, Sweetie Belle could make out a small area amidst a crowd where a clearing was made, and within it was dust and two flailing bodies.
Sweetie Belle hopped off of the bench and galloped to the scene, pushing herself to the forefront of the amassed fillies and colts. There, trapping Stratosphere within his arms, was Mono. The pegasus filly bit down on Mono’s hand, and Mono kicked her off. Fast as lightning, Stratosphere head butted Mono in the stomach, adding power to the strike by using her wings.
Mono stumbled a bit, gagged, and then ran directly at Stratosphere. She instantly tried to take flight, only to have her tail yanked down, coming eye level with Mono. A short jab to the face and a knee in the stomach brought her down, and their wrestling match resumed where Sweetie had first seen it.
Mono’s fingers were much tougher than Sweetie had thought, as he was using them to deliver rough blows and to latch on to Stratosphere to prevent her from flying. Mono may have weighed less than an earth pony or unicorn filly, but a pegasus filly was far too light to have its wings carry that much weight. As such, Stratosphere’s attempt to lift him off the ground was met with more effort than she expected, and Mono socked her in the jaw.
The two fell to the ground with Mono landing upon his face and Stratosphere upon her rump. She was the first up and delivered a hoof into Mono’s underbelly, sending the human sprawling across the dirt. When she went to strike again, Mono snarled and leapt at her, pulling her ears towards him and thrusting his head forward to land his own headbutt.
The filly’s eyes swirled about as Mono brought his fist back, and with a mighty punch, he delivered a haymaker directly between her eyes. Everypony began shouting, some cheering and some jeering. Mono raised his fist into the air with his thumb extended, and then collapsed onto the grass face first.
\\\\||||////
“Wake up, moron!”
A sharp pain alighted the side of my head and I groggily opened my eyes. “Ugh… what the hell?” I pushed myself up and looked to my right. Nothing but Ponyville homes and blue skies. “Wait…”
Something impacted the back of my head and I turned to the left and glared at the birdie bitch beside me. “You got us both ejected from the game, stupid.” Stratosphere had her hooves crossed and a deep frown etched into her face. She leaned back into her pillow on the hospital bed and sighed. “They’ll do fine without me.”
I stared at her, just wanting to vault over the bed’s guard rail and elbow drop her, but everything hurt. That was the first real pain that I had achieved from a pony source. If I had had my ability at the time she wouldn’t have been able to touch me, but it looked like I was a useless sack of crap without it. I sighed as well, dropping my head down onto the pillow and closing my eyes.
“Hey,” that feathery twat said from the other side of the room. I opened my eyes and glared at her. “Do you think we’ll be disqualified from competing?”
“Well screw me sideways,” I thought. I hadn’t planned that far ahead. Us having that brawl could have had some adverse effects on the advancement of our team. “I’ve got an idea. It’s a really ballsy, dumb, and honestly uncomfortable idea, but it’s all we’ve got.”
“What?” she asked, almost sounding afraid of the answer I was about to give. She should have been.
“We’re going to pretend to be friends.”
\\\\||||////
Nurse Redheart looked up from her desk situated in the hallway, hearing the sounds of rampant laughter echoing from down said hallway. The only two patients on this floor had reportedly knocked one another unconscious during the first game of the Harmonious Sports Championship. She says reportedly even though she witnessed it. Nothing serious, no concussions, not even any major bruising.
Nurse Redheart had found it strange how the two had taken essentially no great amount of damage from the pummeling that she saw the two mutually deliver upon one another. The mare signed off on another physical and stuck it inside a folder, getting up from her seat in the process to check on her patients. They hadn’t been out long, only six minutes, really.
Sticking her head into the room, the Nurse was relieved to see the two talking animatedly about their teams. She cleared her throat and the two kids looked up, their conversation interrupted. “Feeling better?” she asked them. Redheart heard the shuffle from outside the doorway and she frowned.
“Good. Then you’ll be ready for your punishment,” a mare said as she moved past Redheart and directly into the room. Her cold blue eyes and straight-cut purple mane instantaneously gave off the hard-ass feeling, and Mono could feel his hopes drop.
Stratosphere smiled and waved at the serious mare. “Hello! We were just apologizing to one another after the scuffle! We got carried away when we both said some things we didn’t really mean.” “Yeah I meant them,” she thought. The mare before the enemies’ beds, however, was unfazed. She cleared her throat and reached into a saddlebag slung along her back and pulled out a thick book.
“That’s all well and good that the two of you have made up, but you still broke a stringent rule of the Championship: no assaulting other players outside of a game environment.” She gave the two players a poignant glare, marking her statement with a forceful stare. The two kids glanced between each other and then looked back at her.
Mono threw his head back and groaned. “More money outta my own fuckin’ pockets.” Reaching into his jacket’s inside pocket, Mono withdrew a bag of bits and quirked an eyebrow. “Three-hundred bits sound fair enough to let us back into the game?”
“Three-hundred each.”
Mono narrowed his eyes and shoved his hands back into his pocket. “Fucking gold-digging piece-a shit…” His muttering continued, even as he yanked the second bag of bits out and tossed the six-hundred gold coins at the mare. “Take your gold and put us back in, dammit.”
The mare smiled and nodded. “Sure thing.”
\\\\||||////
“By some heavenly miracle our two star players are back in the game!”
Mono and Stratosphere made their way to the pitcher’s mound, waving and smiling at the ponies surrounding them. Mono took Stratosphere’s hoof in his hand, slowly shaking it. They kept up their smiles, even as they threatened each other.
“I’m gonna stomp your hollow-boned spine into the ground, acquaint you two properly.”
“I’m gonna toss you off a cliff and watch you plummet to your death.”
“I’m gonna put that ball so far up your ass you’ll be coughing up rubber.”
“I’m gonna make it rain ‘defeat’ all over you and your pathetic ground-humping team.”
“I’m gonna take a shit in a flower pot, let it stew for four days, piss in it, add some chunks of raw meat and garlic, sprinkle some asbestos in, and pump it down your throat with a bicycle pump.”
“…what in Tartarus is wrong with you?”
“Doctors tried to figure it out, they all committed suicide.”
The two turned away from each other and returned to their teams, already getting ready to pull out all the stops. Reaching into his jacket, Mono grabbed another pill and popped it, letting the quick feeling of anger surge through him and then fade away. “There’ll be plenty of that for Licks Those Spheres, or whatever her name is.”
Team Ponyville didn’t even bother bugging Mono with any questions, deciding to leave whatever had happened in the past and instead hop right to playing Cloudsdale like fools. Or fowls. Badum-tsh. Mono threw his coat to the benches and got in a huddle with his team. “Okay, first things first: fuck that bitch. Second order of business: we need to win now.” Mono scowled at the pegasi across the field. “Shut them down, and shut them down hard. They go for a base, you go for their wings. No wings means less speed, so take those cheap shots and clean them up. Break.”
\\\\||||////
Bottom of the ninth, our turn at the plate. I missed so much of this game because I bullshitted with that twat and fucked up. That was dumb, so I decided not to cause any more bullshit… unless I absolutely had to. Which… yeah I did. But back to this game, goddamit, I’m dragging this out long enough, and I’m a shitty story teller, I know. Fuck. Okay.
I was up first, and everybody cheered, blah blah blah, fuck ‘em. Slap A Deer pitched the ball, and holy shit it was comin’ fast. “If only I had my- NO! I DON’T NEED THAT SHIT!” I mentally shouted, and with a solid, air-shaking kick, I slammed it directly at second base, right past Sluts I Fear. The second baseman never stood a chance, and he got plastered into the field twenty feet behind the plate, his hooves grabbing it only after it hit the ground and dragged him along.
I took off and rounded first, grinning the whole way. The pegasi were having a tough time getting the ball out of the death-grip of the catatonic colt stuck in the ground, and I flipped them the bird as I passed second. I could see Sweetie frantically waving her hooves, and I stopped at third, only then did I look up and see Chug That Beer with the ball ready and cocked in her hooves.
“Fuck, that was way too close,” I straightened back up and grinned, not letting her see the bead of sweat that ran down my head. This game was way too friggin’ close, and I didn’t need her getting anymore confidence. She turned back to the plate and waited for her next victim, her eyes hungrily scanning for movement.
Applebloom walked out next, and I really had a bad feeling about her being up. I had an idea, but it was pretty risky. With the game being led by the pegasi twenty-three to twenty-two, shit was real tense and I did not want to get kicked out at first game. Fuck that noise. So I made some of my own.
“FEATHERED FUCKING HORSES, FALLING FROM THE SKY. JUMP INTO MY POT AND I’LL MAKE CHICKEN STIR FRY. I’M KINDA GETTING HUNGRY, SO IF YOU WOULDN’T MIND. GET INTO MY BELLY, SO I CAN SAY I DINED.”
\\\\||||////
“Is that legal?” Spike asked from the sidelines. Applejack leaned forward and grinned like a maniac.
“Ya better believe it Spike! Each of the teams can say whatever they like, so long as they don’t get physically into it!” She looked at the expression Spike wore. “Not that kinda into it, ya sick little lizard, you. What I’m sayin’ is that they can say all manner of nonsense to try and throw the other team off. Mono’s a perfect candidate for that, looks like.”
Rainbow Dash nearly shattered her teeth against each other as she heard Mono’s song continue.
\\\\||||////
“I’LL INCLUDE SOME NOODLES, AND SOME YUMMY FRIES. AND WHEN IT COMES TO THE COURSE, OH WHOOPS IT DIDN’T DIE. BEAT THE FEATHERED HORSE, BE SURE THAT IT’S NOT MOVING. NO CUTS, NO BUTS, NO COCONUTS AND NOTHING THAT IS OOZING.”
“AFTER THAT SPRINKLE SOME SPICES AND DUMP IN SOME BOOZE. ADD A COUPLE SHAVES OF MANGO, SET THE TIME TO SNOOZE. WAKE UP LITTLE FEATHERED HORSE AND TAKE IN SOME FRESH AIR. OH WAIT YOU CAN’T BECAUSE YOU’RE STILL ALIVE IN YOUR NIGHTMARE.”
Several of the pegasi on the field moved a bit farther away from Mono, preferring not to stay close to the monstrously-minded carnivorous alien with the now extremely noticeable and prominent canines. “Fucking hell yeah, it worked,” Mono gave a nod to Applebloom, who stepped up to the plate and got prepped.
Stratosphere wound up, pulled back, and let the ball loose, cracking against Applebloom’s leg and sending her flipping ass over tea kettle onto home plate. Picking her glass jaw off of the dusty plate, Applebloom stumbled back towards the benches, but not before slipping on a banana peel and smacking her muzzle into a bench with the force of a sick, riff-driven, death metal headbang.
“Somepony out there hates that filly,” an onlooker mumbled to her friend. With the comedy act out of the way, Scootaloo made her way to the plate after giving her friend a gentle pat on the shoulder. Taking her place at home plate, Scootaloo failed to notice that her gentle pat had offset Applebloom’s balance and led her to crash head first into the bench… again.
The pegasus filly on the pitcher’s mound narrowed her eyes at the other pegasus at home plate. All the while, Mono flailed his arms around at third base, screaming “asshole” repeatedly, making it difficult for Stratosphere to focus on the task at hoof.
“ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE !!!”
“SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU FAUST-DAMN MONKEY!”
Mono’s hands shot up in the air and he began to shout at the refs. “PENALTY FOR RACISM!”
“What? EAT A COCK! THAT’S NOT FAIR!”
“RACIST!”
“I’M NOT RACIST!”
“RACIST AND IN DENIAL~ SUICIDAL~ DON’T YOU KNOW THAT IT’S OVER~”
“WHY ARE YOU SINGING ABOUT SUICIDE? THIS GAME ISN’T OVER EITHER! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?”
“ASSHOLE!”
Somewhere, in a piece of reality not yet finished being created, a being above all other Gods and Eldritch Dominions sneezed in the general path of a passing reality, blasting a highly concentrated amount of disdain and anger into it. This mass of invisible hate-snot found its way into the most infuriated being on the planet of Terran: Stratosphere.
“WOULD YOU PLEASE. JUST SHUT. THE FUCK. UP?” The rubber ball exploded in Stratosphere’s hooves, collapsing from the pressure she had just forced upon it. Mono glanced at the shreds of kickball in her hooves and then stared her dead in the face, his expression passive.
“You broke the ball, asshole.”
\\\\||||////
“Wuh-?”
“You feelin’ alright, Strat?” a pegasus colt had a concerned look on his face as he stared into the filly’s eyes. “You shook for a couple seconds and the passed out. And then that weird monkey thing took off for home, but the refs told him that he had to go back.”
The colt rubbed the back of his neck with a hoof awkwardly, looking out onto the field. “Then he got in an argument with the refs, saying that it wasn’t his problem if his ‘overwhelming sexiness’ had caused you to faint.”
Stratosphere uppercut the colt and picked herself up, her hoof shaking uncontrollably. Her gaze scanned the field for Mono, and picked him out picking his own nose. “I picked him out picking, gross.” She got back up, set on her ball cap, and grit her teeth. “He needs to be stopped. Permanently.”
Mono had interrupted the game more times than anypony had even thought possible. Brawls, arguments, rage-induced exhaustion. You fuckin’ name it, he had done it so far. In game one. Everypony could see the stress that the refs were under, not to mention Twilight Sparkle’s shame at having Mono basically represent Ponyville, not because he was elected but because he was the most boisterous bastard on the team.
Celestia and Luna were getting a kick out of it, though, so that was a definite plus, even if Twilight didn’t think so. Some Ponyville residents were concerned with Mono’s behavior and extreme racism, not to mention his disgusting comments based around killing, cooking, and serving a pegasus as a meal. However, he seemed to be getting results and leading the other team by the nose as far as distraction went, so fuck it, right?
Stratosphere stomped back onto the field, her hoof outstretched for another ball. A red blur shot into her hoof and she lined the pitch up with home plate. Letting loose the shot, it was kicked flawlessly by Scootaloo, blasting past Stratosphere and bouncing between second and third. Mono took off for home, his legs pumping as hard as they could. Scootaloo, for the most part, was ignored in favor of Mono.
The ball was swiftly returned to Stratosphere, who spun about one hundred and eighty degrees and threw as hard as she was able, flexing her wings for that added momentum as she ended her spin, her hooves digging into the dirt. The crowd watched the ball as it made its way to the plate in less than a moment, leaving a crimson contrail behind like some sort of ballistic rubber missile.
Mono’s grinning face was overtaken by red, swallowing up the left side of his head and knocking his feet off the ground. He never made it to home plate. He did, however, make it into the stands, where he collided with a stallion and his hot, salty nuts. The stallion shouted in dismay over his salty nuts being destroyed, as did the crowd. Now they had to eat circus peanuts instead.
And those things are fucking disgusting.
Cheerilee’s jaw unhinged, as did most of Ponyville’s. At the exact same time, fans of Cloudsdale jumped and hollered in joy. Ponyville’s monster of the mach, demon of deviousness, and asswipe of acceleration had just been swiftly and violently been removed from the equation.
Celestia and Luna craned their heads down to look at Mono’s form, buried in wooden slats and twitching erratically. Luna snickered first, then Celestia, and pretty soon the two of them were cackling at the human’s well-deserved ass-kicking. Tears streamed down the Princesses’ faces, and as they struggled to compose themselves, Cheerilee and Sweetie Belle huddled with the rest of the team as they talked to Featherweight.
“Featherweight. Listen to me. Don’t worry about winning or losing, don’t worry about kicking the ball. Just go up to that plate, ignore Mono’s groans of pain, and kick as hard as you can when the red gets to your hoof.” Sweetie Belle’s talk did little to calm the nerves of the scraggly pegasus. Cheerilee admired her efforts though.
Scootaloo saw him walk out to home plate and smacked her hoof over her eyes. “Game over,” she mumbled. The pegasus colt slowly approached the plate, glancing nervously about the crowds above and around him. The skittish colt took his place and scuffed the plate with a single hoof. Grinning, Stratosphere balanced on her hind legs, narrowed her eyes at the colt, and flung the ball.
Featherweight couldn’t react in time as it rocketed past him, making that the first strike. He jumped a bit, then heard the pegasi laughing at him. His own race, mocking him in what was supposed to be a friendly game supporting friendship and harmony. He heard a gurgle and some groaning, but remembered Sweetie’s advice and ignored it.
The ball came again, faster this time, and he missed it again. He was getting frustrated, and it was evident on his face. Stratosphere leaned slightly to second plate and said something to Scootaloo, getting her all flustered and glaring angrily at the colt. Featherweight now had a deep burning hatred for this filly with the red ball. Mono was getting louder now.
She returned her gaze to Featherweight and let loose with a ball just as fast as the last. Featherweight swung his hoof forward with all his might, knocking it as a foul ball to the right. Stratosphere’s face soured as the ball returned to her, and she glared at Featherweight. Featherweight glared back, a new burning desire to crush his foe rising in his small chest.
Out of the corner of his eye, Featherweight saw Mono drag himself out of the destruction and give a lopsided grin. With a thumbs-up and a determined fire in his one good eye, Mono passed the torch of Badass Motherfuckerery to Featherweight. The colt’s head turned back to Stratosphere, and a grin met Stratosphere’s own glare. She snorted once, wound up her pitch, and threw it as hard as she was able to.
Featherweight’s hoof shot out, blurring across the plate before connecting with the kickball. A deafening explosion elicited a jump from the crowd, and Featherweight took off in a full gallop before even Scootaloo or any of the basecolts could react. By the time Scootaloo was at third, he was touching second, and by the time she reached home, he was halfway behind her.
She slid to a stop, and chanced a look behind her, leading her own lips to smack directly into Featherweight’s as he collided bodily with her. The two fell over, with Featherweight above Scootaloo. She stared up in a daze, and Featherweight panted with the rush of adrenaline. “I love you,” he said, and kissed her full on the mouth.
Then with a cry, his left forehoof fractured, and he completely fell down on top of her. A roar from the stands elicited, and the denizens of Ponyville swarmed the two and lifted them up, singing their praise. Stratosphere stared at the scene, dumbfounded, and Mono limped over to her slowly. The human didn’t bother seeking out medical attention or any help.
“Hey,” he said.
She blinked and glared at him. “Come to gloat?”
“Good game. And nice peg by the way,” he responded, his arm out for a shake. She accepted the offering, shooting him a wayward eyebrow in confusion.
“Thanks?”
“If you weren’t a pony, or underage, I would probably ask you out.”
“Uh…”
“Well, later,” he said. He then turned around, limped a few feet, and collapsed on the grass. Stratosphere stared at his limp body, glanced around a few times, and slowly ascended into the sky with the rest of her team.
Celestia stood from her seat and smiled serenely. “Game One of the Harmonious Sports Championship goes to Ponyville!”
“SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA! SMEG-MA!”