//------------------------------// // Session 3 // Story: Big Mac Goes to Therapy // by Daedalus Aegle //------------------------------// It had been a week since the second session. Big Mac had deferred making another appointment, saying he'd get in touch when he had the time, knowing as he said it that he had no intention of doing so. He dodged Applejack's questions, and returned to his work. That night, he could not sleep, and found himself wandering the fields of Sweet Apple Acres. He walked back the west orchard, where the fruit bats took over, and walked under their multi-colored forms, not paying attention as the colors shifted, and the bats turned to flowers, and the trees turned to columns of white marble hung with wreaths and climbing vines. The flutter of wings caught his attention, and he turned to see a dark figure land softly in the grass. “Good evening to you, Macintosh Apple,” said Princess Luna. “Welcome to my garden.” Big Mac blinked, his eyes wide in surprise. “Urm. Good evenin', yer highness.” He bit his lip. “Ah didn't mean to intrude. Ah, uh, Ah didn't realize ya had a garden next door to the orchard. Ah'll just be headin' back to mah side of the fence.” “It was us – I mean, I who brought you here, Big Macintosh. Sir Armor and miss Applejack asked me if I could help you,” the princess said, stepping closer to the earth pony. “We are in our dreams.” “Well, thats mighty kind of ya, yer highness,” Big Mac said, shuffling uncomfortably. “But there's no need.” He took a step backwards and made to retreat from the garden. “Ah'm just a simple farmer, Ah don't want to take up yer—” Luna placed a hoof against his mouth, silencing him. “The lowest creature in Equestria is not beneath my notice, or unworthy of my time,” Luna said softly, looking into his eyes, “and you are greater than you imagine, Macintosh Apple. Please stay, and speak with me?” Big Mac hesitated, but nodded, and was met with a mysterious, ethereal smile. “Walk with me,” she said, and turned, and the two of them walked through the garden. “Really, though,” the farmer said, looking around awkwardly for any convenient exit. “What y'said was... very kind. But Ah don't know why everypony's going to this trouble. Ah ain't anypony important. That's mah sister's job.” “It's a strange feeling, to be reminded unexpectedly that those around us care about us, not only in the abstract, but in the most direct and immediate way,” Luna said, nodding. “I forgot that once, as everypony now remembers.” She glanced at the stallion walking beside her. “We go to the trouble, Macintosh Apple, because we care, and because we think you need it. Is that so difficult to believe?” He blushed, and turned away. “...It ain't no big deal. Ah'll be jus' fine on mah own.” “You agreed to speak to a therapist,” Luna said. “That is a difficult thing to do, for most. There must have been a pressing cause, was there not?” Big Mac snorted. “Eeyup. Her name's Applejack.” He shuddered. “...Ah ain't going back to Turner again. Nope.” “Perhaps you'd prefer to speak to me?” Luna asked. “All due respect to doctor Turner, but I have more experience.” “That so?” Big Mac raised an eyebrow. “No offense, yer highness, but Ah'm not sure a princess is what Ah need to fix mah busted noggin.” “I am the guardian of dreams, Macintosh Apple,” Luna said solemnly. “Since the night I earned my crown, it has been my duty to nurture the minds of our little ponies, to ensure that they grow strong and beautiful, and to clear their minds of the things that would prevent their growth. Like a gardener, of sorts.” She stopped their wandering and gestured to the moonlit growth all around them. “Do you like my garden?” Big Mac looked around, and nodded. “It's nice.” “Just nice?” Luna raised an eyebrow. Big Mac shrugged. “Ah don't much care for spendin' mah energy on pretty things, when there's work to be done.” “There is more to ponies than only their work,” Luna said, conjuring up the image of a rose from the ground between them. “And yet, I find there is a beauty in utility, in seeing our little ponies grow strong and able. Your farm is very beautiful, even if that was not the driving thought behind it. But every pony needs something besides only their work. Every pony needs a garden.” She looked up into his eyes. “Tell me of your garden, Macintosh Apple.” “Ah...” Big Mac struggled to think of an answer. He thought of Sweet Apple Acres: the largest apple farm for countless miles around, with hundreds of apple trees giving fruit that got shipped out all across Equestria. But that's work, he thought to himself. He thought of evenings spent playing board games with Apple Bloom in front of the fireplace, or summer days spent swimming in the pond with his siblings, Granny Smith watching from behind her knitting on her rocking chair. He thought back to when he was just a foal, carrying baby Applejack on his back, her tiny legs holding tight around his neck as he galloped under the trees, her gurgling baby laugh filling his ears. Then he thought of the nightmares, and he shuddered. “Ah grow apples,” he said, turning his head away. “That's all Ah do.” They sat in silence for a minute by a pond, watching silver fish swimming in the moonlight. “Do you remember when we met?” Luna asked. “Eeyup,” Big Mac said, thinking back to the Summer Wrap-Up Festival and Hoedown. “The games were fun.” “Indeed, they were most fun,” Luna said, and smiled. “It was a day most enjoyable to me, and I thank you for agreeing to compete by my side. But in truth, that was not the first time we met.” “...Nope?” Big Mac answered. “You may not remember,” Luna said, “but I have visited your dreams before I spoke to you at that festival. Do you know why I chose you to be my partner?” “Ah think ya said something about me bein' big and strong and likely to win,” Big Mac said, thinking back to the moment when he was trying to escape the crowd and find the hardware store. “That was a touch duplicitous on my part,” Luna admitted. “I felt you needed a nudge to set you on the right path.” The farmer halted, blinking as he thought about what he had just heard. “Y'mean you did that on purpose to keep me at the festival?” He asked, a dangerous undertone to his voice. She nodded. “I did. I felt there were things you needed more than nails. I wanted you to let go of your work for a night, simply enjoy yourself, and perhaps learn to listen to your own heart—” “Ah don't like being lied to,” he growled, glaring at her. “Ah'm gonna be headin' home, now, yer highness.” He turned from her shocked face and trotted away. “I only want to help you,” she said from behind him. “Ah don't need yer help,” he called back. “Ah didn't ask for any help. Ah can buck mah trees just fine as Ah am... Ah'm sick of ponies thinkin' they need to 'help' me. Jus' leave me alone!” Luna rolled her eyes. “You think it is weakness to admit that you are in pain?” she cried after him. “Don't be a child!” “Ah ain't in pain,” Big Mac muttered to himself, glaring down at the path in front of him. Suddenly there were silver-slippered hooves and midnight-blue legs in front of him. He looked up. “Very funny, princess. Where's the way out?” “I swore to Sir Armor and your sister that I would help you,” she said coldly. “I am patient, my little pony, but not infinitely so. I am asking you to please calm down—” “Or what?” Big Mac spat. “Or you'll make me? Well if you're gonna do it then do it, but don't ask me to be happy about it. Ah don't need any more magic messin' with mah brain!” Luna's eyes widened in shock. “You think I would do that?” “Don't act dumb,” Big Mac grunted. “Yer literally walkin' around inside mah mind. Ya just need ta light up yer horn and ya can make me think or feel anythin' ya want, like yer sister and yer niece did to Shining Armor.” He snorted, and nodded. “Yup, Ah noticed.” With a thud, Luna fell to her knees, her face bowed down. Big Mac hesitated, and watched her intently. “The only time such a thought ever wormed its way into my mind, my sister imprisoned me a million miles away,” Luna said, her voice heavy with the sorrow of centuries, “so that I could never harm a living soul.” When she raised her head again Big Mac saw tears in the corners of her eyes. “Do you truly believe we would ever do such a thing?” Big Mac took a step back, and defensively muttered, “Ah can't be sure... Ah saw...” “Your own sister bears the Element of Honesty,” Luna said, rising back up onto her hooves. “Do you think she would permit any of us to do such a thing to her kin? I have known her but briefly, but I know she would kick down the gates of Canterlot Castle by herself to challenge us if we ever did. Because she loves you,” Luna looked into his eyes, and the tears were running now. “You, and me, and Shining Armor alike... we have sisters that love us. And when we do not trust even ourselves... we should trust them. I learned that the hard way, as did Shining Armor.” She took a gentle step forward. “Will you trust in those who love you?” Big Mac shivered softly, closed his eyes, and nodded. “...Alright,” he said. “I'll talk.” Luna drew closer, slowly, as though approaching a frightened animal that might bolt at any moment. “I only wish to help you,” she said. “Sir Armor told me you fear your own heart.” Big Mac winced. “...Ah wouldn't put it like that.” “My pardon if I have offended,” Luna said. “But you have suffered nightmares, have you not?” He nodded. “Will you tell me of them?” Big Mac gulped. “There's a bunch of different ones. But the main one, Ah guess, is the one with the weddin'.” He paused, nervous. Luna watched him attentively, and nodded for him to continue. “It was... me an' miss Cheerilee, gettin' married. In the town hall, with all of Ponyville there, and all the Apples from all over Equestria, and even yerself, yer highness, and yer sister were there, celebratin'.” His voice was beginning to crack. “And... and I'm standing there, and Mayor Mare asks, do Ah take miss Cherilee to be mah wife, and Ah say yes, but... but it ain't me speakin', Ah'm just staring out from behind mah own eyes, and Ah'm watchin' everythin' happen, but Ah ain't doin' anythin', and Ah ain't feelin' anythin'. And everypony cheers and stomps, and we kiss... an Ah feel nothin'.” “There's others,” Big Mac continued. “There's the one where we're all at Granny Smith's funeral. There's the one where Rainbow Dash comes walkin', limpin' really, into Sweet Apple Acres with tears runnin' down her face to tell us that Applejack isn't coming home from their latest adventure.” He was looking down at the grassy ground now, unwilling to face her while he spoke. “There's the one where Apple Bloom finally gets her cutie mark, and Ah want to be proud of her, but every time, in every one, Ah can't feel a thing, like Ah'm dead inside mah heart. An' every time, I wake up soaked in cold sweat, and fight to keep from cryin' till sunrise.” He felt Luna's hoof on his shoulder and looked up into her eyes. “You never open yourself up to anypony, do you?” Luna asked quietly, sadly. “You rarely venture beyond the borders of your farm, and you speak but little. You always work, and never allow yourself to be distracted from your labors. I have seen what waits down that path. You will only find pain there.” “Ah have t'keep the farm going for mah family,” Mac muttered. “They count on me to get it done. Ah'm the biggest and the strongest.” “Your nightmares warn you of the cost of sacrificing yourself too much,” Luna said. “If you continue like this, then some day there may be no more left of you to share.” She sat down in front of him. “Learn to let go. You are safe here.” Big Mac felt the emotions building up behind his ribs. The little wants, the strange fears, the joys he did not share. The things he kept sealed away, that no other pony knew. The small and inconsequential things that gave him practice, and kept the mask sitting tightly. He felt it pushing against the seal, and he released it. The tears finally came as Luna took hold of him and held him close, like a mother comforting her child, and he cried. “There is a seed in your heart, Big Macintosh,” he heard her voice in his ear as he cried. “But it cannot grow while your heart is choked. You have felt a hollow phantasm of love many times, and now you fear that is all there is. Each time, a weed has taken root in your heart, sucking out the life-giving energy that should be feeding your love. I have looked within your heart, and what waits there is beautiful. When the seed blossoms, your love could be the greatest love in all the land, perhaps even the world. But first, the weeds must be cleared away.” She let go of him and sat back. Big Mac nodded, and wiped his muzzle with his leg. “How can Ah do that?” “As you would tend to your farm,” Luna said. “With constant labor. Caring for growing things is hard work, and our fears, like weeds, keep coming back to trouble us. But continue to pull the weeds out, and your seed will have time to grow. Go out a-nights, Big Macintosh. Make friends. Dance. Lay your concerns aside for a time, and seek out joy among other ponies. It is not an easy thing to do, but,” she smiled, “I think you can find the strength to do it.” Something in her voice made Big Mac wary, and he glanced up at her horn, searching for the telltale glow of magic. He pulled back from her, and she looked surprised. “Thank you for yer time, yer highness,” Big Mac said. “Really. But... it's still only words. If this is a dream, and you're the ruler of dreams, y'can probably spin mah mind around however y'want, make me feel whatever pleases ya. If Ah wake up tomorrow happy and refreshed, and feel Ah can suddenly do everythin' Ah usually couldn't, then Ah'm just gonna think is this real? Or is this just Princess Luna's magic, like the love potion, makin' me feel somethin' that aint true?” He looked at her sadly. “How can Ah know for sure? And if Ah can't... then Ah'm afraid yer' just wastin' yer time on me.” Luna seemed to deflate, her head lowering. “I see,” she said. “Yes, this is a dream. Yes, perhaps you will doubt everything you have seen, upon waking. I would not rob you of your doubt, or force faith on you, even if it were in my power. Your mind is your own. But I want you to promise me something, Big Macintosh.” “What's that?” “Never give up hope,” Luna said, locking her sight with his. “If you feel tempted to do so, speak of it. Remember that even if it is difficult for you to feel love, you have others who love you. You, like Shining Armor, and I... all of us have family who love us.” Their path had let them around the garden, and now they stood at the archway above the gate to Sweet Apple Acres. A bright glow surrounded it, which Big Mac had never seen before. “What's that?” “Love,” Luna said simply. “All those who came here before you have planted it, and watched it grow. Your parents laid their hearts in the soil, and through it, you see it grow every year.” They looked up at it. “It is only an image in a dream,” Luna said, “but the love is true. It is only waiting for you to feel it.” Big Mac nodded, and followed the path to his home.