Dear Twilight Sparkle:
You have no idea how intensely I hate you. The fires of my hate could probably burn up the sun that I raise every day. Indeed, I wonder whether what I'm about to do is logical, given what an insufferable little cunt you are.
However, if there is one thing that outweighs the hate I feel for you, it's the amount of pleasure that I derive from watching everypony around you suffer. Especially your fax machine. And thus, I have decided that the benefits of my new plan are more than enough to compensate for the drawbacks.
So, yeah. I'm really glad you enjoyed that book I sent you. In fact, I'm going to see how many more I can get for you, just to see how badly you can screw with everypony around you. I mean, I knew that the book would screw everything up, but this is just rich! I don't even know where to begin!
So, to choose a random pony, let's talk about Rarity. Can you please explain to me how she's capable of controlling the weather? I'm pretty sure only pegasi and alicorns can do that. And even if that wasn't true, wouldn't she need to fly to be able to do so? Of course, given what happened the last time she was given wings, it's probably for the best.
Speaking of wings, Rainbow Dash got stuck with the animals. Which makes me wonder: why does everypony who ends up taking care of animals have to be a pegasus? I mean, isn't that a job better suited for an earth pony? Seriously, it's like Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash were once intended to be earth ponies, but some higher power fucked up and gave them wings. Of course, the notion of a being mightier than King Hasbro is laughable, at best. If he decides that somepony needs to go, they're doomed.
(He's been saying stuff about some Mash pony, though I'm not too familiar with that at the moment).
Next, Fluttershy. I can't say I'm surprised she didn't entertain anypony. I mean, she probably wasted most of her time trying to convince everypony to join PETA in order to get rid of some of the excess animals that she has to take care of. Of course, this is a bit confusing, given that she doesn't have to take care of those animals anymore. Maybe she retained some memories of her former self?
Anyway, can you explain to me how Pinkie can be so bad at working on farms? I mean, didn't she grow up on a rock farm? Or does rock farming require something completely different from apple farming? I mean, I honestly don't know much about farming, (except for the exact amount of taxation required to drive an average farm to bankruptcy, of course,) so I probably couldn't be relied on to provide information on rock farming.
And finally, the other farmer. I must admit, I can never imagine an earth pony creating dresses. I mean, a unicorn like Rarity has magic to help her with the construction of dresses. What do earth ponies have? Hooves and mouths? Oh yes, they must be so great for sewing!
I must admit, seeing all this is extremely exciting for me. I mean, it proved once and for all that Ponyville is doomed. And more importantly, it proved that you absolutely suck at trying to make it better. In fact, you could have easily taken a moment to write a report on how it's impossible to polish a turd. And even if you can, that doesn't change the fact that it's still a turd.
Still, if those rabid animals were going to try to eat Rainbow Dash, then maybe it was for the best that Fluttershy got back to them. I can't help but wonder how they would have prepared her, though; maybe they were going to lock her in a dungeon and butcher her to make some delicious pastries? I suppose we'll never know.
Of course, I suppose you'd have to change the weather back to normal. Which is all fine and dandy, but why can't you keep those cool patterns? It would at least give that little cesspool of a town something to attract tourists with. Then you could sell some of those ugly excuses for dresses as souvenirs or something. Preferably ones labeled “I survived the Great Cutie Mark Switcheroo of 2013” or something like that. But no, Rainbow and Rarity have to go back to normal.
Whatever. Please tell me that you at least took the opportunity to enslave the earth pony farmers. No? How very pathetic.
Oh, yeah. And you drugged Pinkie up enough to get her to cheer up everypony. But why? I mean, those muddy ponies deserved to be miserable. I mean, they are clearly a whole bunch of inbred hicks who will never amount to anything in their life. There is literally no hope for them at all.
And, having observed the events unfolding around you today, all I have to say is-
“Congratulations, Twilight. I knew this was hopeless.”
“Princess! What the hell do you want? What did I do?”
Dear Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash:
You must be so very happy now! I mean, not only does your pathetic little town have its very own princess, but it's also your very best friend! I almost feel jealous!
Almost.
And guess what? You're still going to throw the biggest celebration in Ponyville's history! After all, it's not every day that a cesspool full of inbred freaks gets its very own princess!
Finally, you should all take this opportunity to learn from her. After all, she has learned much from me, and her wisdom might one day lead you to greatness.
Probably not, though. But it's the thoughts that count!
Your kind and benevolent ruler, Princess Celestia.
Dear Fax Machine:
Please don't put too much stress on your vocal chords. It's not healthy, you know.
And besides, it could be worse. You could have been transformed into a dog or something. Now that would have been humiliating!
And don't be absurd. Dragons rising up against me? Bah. I committed genocide against the ancient dragons 65 million years ago by dropping a bunch of space rocks on them. And that's before their evolutionary path screwed them over by making them allergic to fairies. Do you really think your friends are going to intimidate me?
Sorry, Xerox. You're stuck with the bitch queen for all of eternity. And I'm going to enjoy every second.
Your dragon-slaying oppressor, Princess Celestia.
Dear Twilight Sparkle:
Congrats on the promotion. Can't wait to hear how you fuck that up.
Love, Discord.
P.S.: Could you be so kind as to give me a tiny glass of water?
Dear Auntie Celestia:
WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?!
You made Twilight an alicorn?! And a princess?!
Do you realize what this is going to do to her ego?! It's already too big to be considered safe! This is going to cause it to become so massive it will collapse into a black hole and suck in everypony around her! …Which is probably what she wants, now that I think about it.
Because of this, among other things, I've come to realize that there is no hope for Equestria. If you don't mind, Shining Armor and I are going to cut off the Crystal Empire from the rest of Equestria forever. Have your Hunger Games in Cloudsdale or something. I hear Rainbow Dash has wanted it to be there since she was a baby.
Your thoroughly disappointed niece, Princess Cadance Not-Evil-Good-Pony.
My not-so beloved sister:
You made Twilight a Princess. Fan-fucking-tastic. Now everypony is going to fawn over her and forget I even exist.
I am considering allying with Chrysalis to assassinate you and your little bitch. I would most certainly make a better ruler than you or her.
Your eternally-pissed sister, Luna.
Dear Princess Celestia:
How dare you make somepony else a princess?! I was your student first! That title should have been mine, dammit!
Well, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from this, it’s that your hard work won’t get you anywhere, and if you want something, you have to take it by force.
Well then, I guess I know what I’m going to do next. And trust me; you’re going to get what you deserve.
Your former student, Sunset Shimmer.