"Pfa... it's not as if they'd be any help whatsoever anyways," I rationalized under my breath. "Those quarter-wits are probably still standing there, lost without my brilliance."
Sure, I hadn't a clue where I was going, who I was looking for, or why I'd blown up like that. But right now all I wanted was some gum. It's a stress reducer for me. Kind of a nervous tick. I always end up biting my tongue otherwise. So I wandered down the street full of market stalls, hoping at least one of them equated to a convenience store. I mean, what kind of town wouldn't?
Ten minutes later...
Damn this town. Damn the ponies. Damn them all.
Not ONE place sold gum in the entire street. Taffy, gum-drops, gummy bears, but not a single stick of gum anywhere. The only store that was supposed to sell it was out. I felt like throttling the little horse, but was too busy trying not to swallow the blood my tongue was letting flow (Funny. It didn't really taste like blood.). All I could manage was to flip her off before I left. ... Now that I think about it, she probably didn't get what that meant. No hands, the poor beasts. I decided to take a break from the 'mall crowd' in a side street. Well, it was really an ally. A dark one. The cliché was not intended.
Anyways, I was waiting in an ally for I-don't-know what, when I saw a green flash out of the corner of my eye, from around the next corner. I took a look, and almost rammed my chest into another goddam pony, with orange hair and a yellow coat. It had a carrot on it's ass like some kind of tattoo.
"The hell was that light?"
"What light?" said the carrot-top pony.
"That green flash. You must've been standing right in front of it."
"No, I don't remember-"
"Listen up, you little twit," I growled, stepping forward. "Either you saw it or you're the source. Because you will not lie to me. Got it?"
She swallowed. "Uh, well I guess I do remember a flash. It came from that garbage can over there. I think."
"Hmph. Was that so hard?" I walked over to the trash can (I don't call it garbage. Too big a word for something so insignificant.) and opened it up. Nothing but junk. I immediately spun around to confront the pony. "Lying sonuvabi-... The hell are you?"
I'd been confronted by some kind of horse-insect hybrid, shiny black with a mosquito's wings and a decimated horn like a unicorn (God, I can't believe I had to say that stupid word). It had multi-faceted teal-colored eyes, and fangs sharp as any knife. I found that out when it bit my arm.
"Ow!" I shouted. I grabbed the lid of the trash can and bashed it in the face, yelling "Get OFF! Get off you sonuvabitch!"
It hissed, releasing my arm. "Your blood is Changeling," it said in a snake's voice, backing off.
"Is that an insult? You just added insult to injury. I'm gonna enjoy tearing your head off and mounting it on a weather vane." I smiled maniacally.
"Wait! Stop!" It flashed green, and I was now looking at the carrot pony again. "I made a mistake, is all!"
"Too late," I said in a singsong voice, cracking my neck. No one to hold me back. Finally, real revenge, instead of the weak stuff I normally am allowed. "I'll give you a five minute head start."
"Really?"
"Minutes, seconds." I cracked my knuckles and picked up the trashcan lid again. "I'm never clear on which is which."
She bolted. A minute later I ran after her. I have some level of mercy, after all.
Quite some time later...
"Come out, come out, wherever you are!" I called out in a singsong voice. I'd chased the mare right out of town and into the woods beyond. I was beginning to lose interest, and those bug ponies run really fast. "Show yourself, Dammit!"
"Fine," it called back. I was taken aback for a moment, then eager to beat the living shit out of it.
It did show itself- as did about twenty others. And then, even worse, this seven-foot tall one with greasy looking hair and a black crown. It's eyes looked like a normal pony's eyes, though.
"Oh, uh, hello." I said nervously. Despite my apparent blood lust, I could figure twenty-something to one is not the best odds. "You know I was just messing with you, right? I was just gonna give you a slap or something, y'know?"
"Oh? Alf says you threatened to 'mount his head on a weather vane." Said the tall one. A surprisingly normal female voice.
"I was joking. Honest." I lied. "Listen, how about I walk away, you walk away, and we forget the whole ordeal. 'Kay?"
"No, it's a bit late for that. You've seen us."
My brow furrowed, and I kicked a fallen branch up and caught it in my left hand. I adjusted the trashcan lid and held it like a shield. Overconfidence, I suppose, but I wasn't going down without a fight. "Well then. Have at it!"
Immediately a bug-pony launched itself at me. I ducked underneath, and bashed it's underside with the trashcan lid. Another did the same, and I smacked it aside with my makeshift club. Two came at me at once, so I sidestepped and let them bash heads. It continued on like this for quite a while. I made mistakes, ones drawing blood, bruising arms, but nothing serious. I was drenched in sweat by the end, but I actually won. The trashcan lid was bent into what looked like a metal raisin (I ended up smashing it over one of their heads, effectively impaling it too), and the club had shattered. All the remained standing was me, and the tall one.
"So," I panted. "Ya' gonna give it a shot or what?"
"No, no, of course not." She said, stepping towards me. "I'm actually quite impressed. You've successfully defended yourself against the majority my gathered forces."
"Then you really need to expand the pool," I said. "twenty men does not an army make, you twit." I don't know why I insulted her. These things just sort of roll off the tongue for me. "Honestly, it's pretty sad that one guy was able to take down your whole force. Pitiful, really-"
"Enough!" She growled, baring fangs longer than my fingers. "I said I was impressed, not asking for your opinion. Our forces were... scattered, through events out of my control. I was going to offer you a position as my second hand, but with a tongue like that-"
"How the hell do you know what a hand is?"
"Be silent! One more outburst and it is you're head that will be mounted from a weather vane!"
I was quiet, but silently fumed. You don't just steal a threat like that. Especially from me.
She huffed. "Good. You can follow an order. Now, as I was saying, I'm offering you a position. Perhaps a bit lowering ranking than I'd first imagined. First, you do know how to alter your appearance? You could've fought more efficiently as a pegasus, or perhaps a unicorn."
"Not a clue. And why on or off Earth would I need to transform? I'm awesome as I am."
"Wouldn't you agree fighting from the air is more safe? Or using bolts of magic?"
"That... That would be more effective." I consented. "So how-?"
"Simply focus your all energies on becoming... anything but that ape you are now."
So I did. I tried to force myself into the form of one of the other bug-horses. The Changelings. I focused so damn hard I must've nearly blown an blood vessel. I opened my eyes, and all that had changed was... well, my arm was a black, swiss-cheese-looking hoof. But the rest of me was still human.
"Dammit," I growled. "I thought you said I could completely change?"
"You should be able to. I'm not sure why you can't."
"Hmph. Well then, I suppose there's no point in joining with you. You offer me nothing." I re-imagined my arm as it as, and it returned to normal. That worked, at least.
"Don't you resent those ponies? Or is it just me that does?"
"Not really. You're solo on this one, lady."
"That's Your Highness, to you."
"Uh-huh. Sure. Listen, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're honestly starting to bore me." I began to walk away.
"Wait! Is there nopony you have a grudge against there? No enemies?"
I stopped, and my brow slowly drew into a scowl of deep resent. "Well... There's that know-it-all freak Will. And goody-two-shoes Jen. And that insufferably dense Mike."
"I can help you be rid of them. You can help me exact my revenge on those meddlesome ponies who foiled my plans all those months ago." She tempted. "Their love may be a valuable resource, but a replaceable one.
I thought about it. Turn my back on those multicolored freaks? Tempting. Joining with her? Perhaps. Being totally free of those tumors forever?
"Hell yes."