//------------------------------// // Kind Sorrow // Story: My Little Pony: The Brothers of Discord // by mr.myxsiple //------------------------------// CHAPTER 45 KIND SORROW Destructive... Unstable... Broken... Cursed... Cruel... All I know is anger...and hate... It hurts...So much... Can...Can I really change? Am I still capable of it? For the nth time that day, Ash covered his face and let out a big sigh. After their little talk, Fluttershy had helped him back inside and put him back to bed before heading for the kitchen to prepare their lunch. He reached for his pillow and pressed it against his face letting out yet another sigh as he tried to sort out his jumbled thoughts. He felt...He honestly didn't know what he felt. He didn't feel any worse because letting all his emotions out actually felt liberating. Then again, he still didn't feel any better; there was still too much anger and hate in his heart. No amount of care, kindness or warm hugs from Fluttershy could possibly banish them no matter how good they felt... Upon hearing gentle knocking from the door, he put the pillow back. The door creaked open and Fluttershy stepped with another tray in her hooves. He was about to say something when a familiar aroma struck his nose. He took a deep breath and let the sweet scent fill his lungs. Licking his lips eagerly, he exhaled and looked at the tray where he confirmed what he had smelled, a plate of steaming broccoli. "Are they-" "Stir fried in butter, just how you like them." As he swallowed, she thought she saw the corners twitch upwards slightly. An angry growl emanated from his stomach causing him to cover it and look away blushing. Giggling, Fluttershy shut the door and flew to Ash's side. The colt leaned forward and inhaled the scent directly from its source leading him to shudder. Fluttershy presented it but stopped when a sudden uproar came from downstairs. A mixture of growls, screeches and hissing caused her to flinch and almost drop the tray and spill all of Ash's favorite meal. "Um...I'll just check on that..." Fluttershy could've sworn she heard him let out a small whimper of disappointment as she turned away. She closed the door, and at the same time, the angry shrieks from downstairs suddenly changed sounding more like frightened wails of terror. "Oh my!" Trying not imagine what kind of horrors she would find below, she quickly set down the tray in front of the door and flew downstairs. "How fortunate that Kindness isn't here." a familiar voice said with a dark chuckle. Fluttershy jumped the last step, looked around the room wide-eyed and alert and let out a gasp. The room was quiet save for the occasional whimper from a den or birdhouse. In one corner, a trio of shaking mice peered out of a mouse hole, let out a squeak and slammed the door shut. In another corner, weak chirping came from the birdhouse where her robins stayed. Through one of the windows, she could make out the trembling back of her pet bear; he was one of of the toughest, bravest animals she had, but now... In the middle of it all stood Psych grinning like a foal in a candy shop, a large paper bag on his back. Fluttershy's eyes traced his line of sight and nearly bulged out of her head when she spotted a small white bundle curled up in a fetal position. "Angel!" In an instant, she was at his side scooping his trembling form in her hooves. "They started it in case you're wondering; I was only acting in self defense." Psych told her. "They lunged at me, so I retaliated by sending a few thousand volts into their bodies, sticking white hot spikes down their throats, I think may have I used some acid or whatever, I don't really remember." "I do recall having a particularly fun time with your lark though." he added with a chuckled as he reminisced. "After wrapped him up in barbed wire and slammed him against the floor a dozen times, I remembered that there was some Prench song about a lark. I remembered it word for word and hummed hoping he'd catch its tune and sing along with me. Sadly, he was too busy being torn apart to mimic by song, but that didn't diminish any of the fun. Besides, I rather like that song. Alouette, gentille alouette, Alouette, je te plumerai." He could almost distantly hear the lark chirping rapidly as he pulled a scalpel out of mid air; he always found dissection and dismembering much more enjoyable when done by hoof. "Je te plumerai la tête. Je te plumerai la tête. Et la tête! Et la tête! Alouette! Alouette! A-a-a-ah!" He let out a cold laugh remembering the feeling of cutting into the bird's flesh. "Alouette, gentille alouette, Alouette, je te plumerai. Je te plumerai le bec. Je te plumerai le bec..." "That wasn't very nice..." "Hmm? As I've said, I did it out of self defense." Psych reminded still maintaining that twisted smirk. "Your animals all have it out for me especially that little brute-" "How could you!?" Fluttershy was suddenly up close, her forehead pressed against his, nostrils flaring. "How could you do something so horrible to these critters?!" "For the third time, they attacked me first." Psych replied calmly. "I informed you of how violent they get when I'm present. Had I not reacted the way I did, you'd instead find me being mauled by them." "But you didn't have to treat them the way you did. Just look at what you did to poor Angel!" "He had it coming." Psych said with a casual wave of his hoof. "Y'know, I've never seen this side of you before Kindness. I'm aware of your hidden, assertive self, but I'd no idea I'd actually get to witness it. Careful you don't over do it like last time." Fluttershy drew back and bowed her head, a gesture that made Psych laugh and narrow his eyes. "I thought so. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a pie that's beginning to get rather-" Her head slowly rose. "Rather...Rather...R...Rather...C-cold..." All earlier thoughts of enjoyment and wickedness immediately vanished from his mind as he stared into...those...those...eyes...His mouth fell open, his pupils shrank and his shoulders slumped as his mind slowly went blank. Wh...What... "Now say you're sorry." a stern Fluttershy said holding up the still shaking Angel. "I...I'm sorry...Angel..." Psych said unable to look away. "Sorry for what?" Fluttershy pressed causing Psych to draw back slightly. "Th-That I hurt you and...all the other animals..." "Now listen Psych. I know you were just trying to defend yourself, but you could've done it without hurting them the way you did. Now, I'll tell all the animals to leave you alone if you promise not to hurt any of them anymore. Understand?" Slowly, he nodded. "And Angel?" A head popped out of the trembling white heap in her hooves. "Psych said he won't hurt any of you, so you and all the other animals stop hurting him OK?" Her pet nodded. "Good. Now I expect both of you to behave around each other OK?" Both nodded at her. "Good, I'm glad we settled that." She gently closed her eyes and sighed with a small pout. Was I too harsh?...Maybe I should- "What in Celestia's name was that?!" Psych exclaimed having finally returned to his senses. He heard an eep drawing his attention to the startled pegasus. "Wha-what? Mere seconds ago you were-I-What was with those eyes?!" "Oh um...I'm sorry. It's just that whenever somepony tries to hurt any of the animals, I just...I-'m sorry again." she repeated apologetically. Psych blinked several times wondering if this shy, meek mare in front of him was the same as the commanding mare who spoke with him not too long ago. "The intensity of your gaze...I've witnessed something similar before...It's just like Ash's Glare." "His...Glare?" Fluttershy asked with a tilt of her head. "Yeah, it-" A set of knocks cut him off. "Um, excuse me. I'll get back to you on that." Fluttershy set Angel down gently on her couch and walked past the slack-jawed Psych and opened her front door. It swung open, and Fluttershy gave a small gasp as she took in a tall but familiar pony looking down at her. "M-Mr. Equinox. H-Hello." She peered around him and found found four grinning colts behind him. "Solstice, Ironhead, Scar and...um..." "Blues. I believe this is the first time we've met." the blind pony said approaching. "What's the hold up Kindness?" Fluttershy stepped aside as Psych approached. The latter spotted the other ponies and grunted. "Ugh...you guys..." "Psych, I knew you'd be here before us." Equinox said smiling at his son. "May we come in Fluttershy?" The latter nodded and stepped aside allowing her five guests to enter her cottage. "Uh, hey Fluttershy, where're your animals; I don't wanna end up getting cornered by a bunch of ferrets or something this time." Scar asked looking over the room with his wings deployed. "Well Psych already...um...dealt with them already..." Her nervous shuffle and his sadistic grin told the whole story. "Anyway, I was just about to take some broccoli up to Ash actually." She stopped and turned around to face them smiling. "I know, why don't you all give him his meal? I'm sure he'll appreciate it much more coming from all of you." "That sounds like a wonderful idea Fluttershy." Solstice said while the rest of his family nodded. Fluttershy led them up the stairs and let Solstice pick the tray up with his magic before knocking on her door. The eyes of the colt inside widened at the sound. The door creaked open, and Fluttershy's head poked through it. "Somepony's excited." she said with a giggle leading Ash to look away with a blush. "You actually have some guests Ash." As the latter raised an eyebrow, the door widened. Ash's own eyes widened as Solstice stepped inside carrying the tray shortly followed by the rest of his family. Gritting his teeth, he pushed against the bed; Fluttershy quickly bounded towards him and dug her head under his back, pushing him upwards until he finally sat up. Panting a little, he gazed at his family, a slightly distant look in his eyes. "Hey bro. How're you feeling?" Ironhead asked grinning. Heck, all of them were smiling softly at him. "I...Better actually..." Ash swallowed, his right hind leg twitching slightly. He could feel their kind gazes pressing against him. "Here." Solstice deposited the tray in front of his brother. Its aroma filled his lungs once again, but it was completely overshadowed by the tension coursing through him. "Ash?" He looked up seeing a concerned expression on the unicorn's face. All of them were facing him wearing frowns, raised eyebrows, and slightly lowered ears, their expressions causing him to tremble slightly. His head bowed over the bowl of his favorite meal concealing his eyes from the rest of the ponies. Solstice turned to his rest of his family but suddenly heard a small drip. He turned back around and saw a small drop fall and hit a piece of buttery broccoli. "A...Ash?..." All of them staring at him with warm, concerned faces was just too much for him. He let out a big shuddering breath and started visibly shaking. He covered his face and finally let the tears flow. At once, Equinox moved to approach his son, but Ash flinched away upon hearing his approaching hoof steps. He shook his head repeatedly scattering a few tears as he did. "...I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I'm sorry..." Over his apologies, Equinox approached him and pulled him into an embrace. Ash stiffened at his touch but didn't do anything to resist the alicorn and just continued sobbing. "There there Ash...You haven't done anything-" "Yes I have!" Ash exclaimed not daring to look at his dad or the rest of his family. "D'you have any idea...How many times I wanted to hurt you? How many times I wanted to hurt all of you?" He shook his head and closed his eyes tightly. "I'm angry...I'm angry almost all the time and it make me want to..." He took a deep shuddering breath. "Th-there's just too much rage...I can't...can't love any of you...the same way you love me..." "Ash...C-C'mon, you can get pissed off at us if you want; that won't change how we think about you." Scar spoke. "I mean, I get pissed off when dad made that chore system where I have to scrub every toilet in at home in one afternoon. I get pissed off when Blues makes some snappy come back whenever I say something dumb." "They're more necessary than you think." Blues deadpanned. "Yeah like that." "You get pissed off when I make a crack about you not getting laid." Ironhead added with a smirk. "You're never letting that go are you?" "Not in a million years bro." Scar's eye twitched, but he turned back to Ash. "Look, I get pissed off at a lot of ponies and a lot of things, but that doesn't mean I hate them or anything..." "I'm not like you." Ash said quickly. "I...I want to hurt you...I wanted to hurt all of you..." He squirmed in his father's grasp and brought his hooves up to clutch his head. "I want to...but...I don't..." As Equinox hugged him tighter, the brothers looked at one another at a loss except for Psych who bit his lip and looked aside. Fluttershy couldn't help but feel glad that he wasn't sobbing as much as he had been earlier. "Ash, I...I had no idea you felt such things." Equinox told him pulled away though the pegasus refused to look at him. "I have loved and cared for you for years, and I swear I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to make you feel so-" "You never did anything wrong!" Ash cried out finally opening his eyes and looking at his father. "You get mad, you want to talk about it. I get mad...I want to hurt ponies. Even if they love me. Even if I don't have to...I'm broken...I'm so broken..." Equinox shook his head and pulled his son in closer. This time, Psych approached and leaned against his brother, pressing the side of his head against his back. "It's OK Ash. You're not alone..." Hearing that, Equinox pulled away again. "What? Ash, Psych, you are not broken!" he insisted. "You have flaws yes, but that doesn't make you broken." "It's not the fact that we're flawed that makes us broken." Psych said indignantly. "It's the extent to which we're flawed. I'm a ruthless, sadistic, heartless, psychopath. Ash is a depressive, angsty, self-depreciating mess." "We make mistakes...we hurt ponies...We do them because it's what we are..." Ash added. "Your flaws...They're not as bad as mine." "You believe your flaw are more grave than ours? Than my own?" Solstice asked placing a hoof on his chest. "As far as I know, there's nothing majorly wrong about you." Ash told him. Solstice opened his mouth to argue back, but he quickly closed it. "'Nothing majorly wrong about us'?" Blues repeated dumbfounded. "Ash, I have issues you can't even begin to imagine! I..." His legs trembled slightly. "I have flaws that haunt me just as much as yours..." "Really? Do tell." Psych said rounding up on him with a grin. "Let it out; I'm sure bearing a problem like that doesn't do you any good." "OK Psych, seriously, he's gonna say something that's really been hurting him a lot. You don't have to go make him feel worse." Ironhead reprimanded. "It's what I do just as defending and protecting others is what you do." his fellow earth pony argued back. "Or was that lying? Can't really be the former if you do the latter huh?" Ironhead growled but didn't bite back. "You all got your own issues, but you've no idea of what I must live through every day!" Psych roared at them. "My pain is-" "Is totally something you made up." Scar countered before he could finish. "You seriously think we hate you? Anypony who saw what we were like before would say that isn't true. I dunno why you tell yourself we reject you, but I'm telling you we don't." Psych growled at him hopping off the bed and approaching him. "Don't give me that nonsense Treachery; I see signs of your rejection of me every day!" "Psych, we are your family." Solstice reminded him. "Then why d'you all reject me? Huh? How can any of you possibly call yourselves my family if you can't accept me!" "Well your torturing doesn't really help now does it?" Ironhead muttered. "Ironhead!" Blues glared at him briefly before turning back to Psych. "Is there anything we can do that will convince you that we love you?" "There isn't...It's far too late for that now." For a moment, barely longer than a split second, he felt his throat tighten. "It's never too late." Equinox turned his gaze to him and reached out, gentleness in his eyes. "Psych...I've loved you since you were only a young colt begging me to teach you about how ponies think...And I still do with all my heart." Psych scoffed and knocked his hoof aside. "You old fool; you still don't get it. You have no idea what you did to me!" He trotted towards the alicorn teeth grit in hatred. "You did..." He swallowed. "You did love me...But that moment's been gone for years. I see it clearly; you don't love me the way you think you do! So stop these pointless declarations! Stop these hollow, empty displays of affection! Stop-" "SHUT UP!" It wasn't the volume that stopped Psych but the owner of the voice. Every eye in the room turned towards the pegasus on the bed shaking and glaring at the maroon earth pony. Ash's bit his lip as more tears filled his eyes and he looked at his brother. Psych looked back at him in surprise and, in a very small and rare amount, fear. "A-A-" "No; you listen to me!" Ash roared pointing a shaking hoof at him. "You...You ungrateful jerk!" He gasped and clutched his head. "H-He-They love you dammit! Why can't you-Gah!" He flinched away and then went back to glaring at him. "S-see that! Years ago, you lost everything you ever loved, and you want to throw away the love that found you?!" He gasped and began breathing rapidly, gritting his teeth as if in pain. "A-And why? Because they all hate you?! You torture, mock and despise everypony you meet, and you wonder why they hate you?! You wonder why they'll never accept you?! W-Well they shouldn't! They have every right to despise everything you are! Ponies hate feeling sad just as much as they hate cruelty! If...If you think you can change that, then you're even more insane than you say you are!" "You say you're Grief itself? You-you say you like seeing others suffer?" Again, several deep breaths. "Well there's a suffering pony right in front of you! Wh-why aren't you s-smiling? You see me in pain every day! Why is my pain any different from others?! Some embodiment of Grief you are! You're the only hypocrite around here! I-" He quickly covered his mouth before the rest of that sentence could be finished. I hate you. I'm just three words away from destroying him completely...Three words away from taking away his only hope...Just three words... But... Ash was still shaking, the words threatening to spill out of his mouth. Mid-struggle, his eyes flitted around the room. Equinox was staring wide eyed at him, his mouth slightly open. Solstice's eyes were darting back and forth between the two of them. Ironhead was saying something to Blues who was biting his lower lip while Scar looked on worriedly. Fluttershy, an unintentional witness to the travesty that was his life, had pursed lips and damp eyes, and Psych- His shaking diminished slightly upon laying his eyes on his brother. His brother who had wide, sad eyes and slumped shoulders. His brother who was the cause of so much painful anger. His brother who loved him, who cared for him in his time of need, who desperately tried to pull him out of his self-depreciating ways. His brother who he was so close to breaking completely. Eye contact between them lasted for what felt like several lifetimes. It was the look of a neglectful parent berating their foal on their poor behavior. It was the frown of the artist who had just received his first rejection letter and knew that there was more to come. It was the eyes of a pony struggling with the enormous weight of their suffering which threatened to crush them completely. He would know. He saw that same look in the mirror all the time. Those lifetimes came to an end as Psych stood up and jumped off the bed. Vaguely, Ash heard his father say his name, but he wasn't too sure. All he was sure of was the retreating form of his brother as he slowly made his way to the door. As he opened it, Ash reached out and opened his mouth, but it was too late. The door gently closed leaving Ash to stare at it still as a statue, more tears filling his eyes. "I'm pathetic." The room was empty save for Fluttershy and Ash. Equinox and Blues went after Psych while the rest stayed with Ash. They didn't stay too long, and when it was clear that Psych wouldn't be coming back anytime soon, they left as well. "Ash..." "Yes I am. How can you not think I am?" Ash pressed a pillow against his face covering his eyes. "That should've been my first test...And I ruined it..." He uncovered his eyes and turned to her. "I wanted to hurt him so much in the most painful way I can. I-I wanted to do to him what he does to others...But he's my brother...I...shouldn't even think of something like that..." Fluttershy sniffed and wiped a tear at the corner of her eye. "Oh Ash...I know how you feel. I've done something like that too..." She shook her head. "If it makes you feel any better, you're far better off than I was." His eyes widened upon hearing that. "What? I just told my brother the most hurtful things he could possibly hear; how the hell can I be any better than you?" She drew back at his raised tone. "Well...um...OK. Psych really isn't the nicest pony around now is he?" Ash shrugged but didn't respond. "Well, don't you think he maybe...deserved it?" Ash opened his mouth, but Fluttershy beat him to it. "I know. It's not nice to say mean things to your brother, but...But you had to say it. Your brothers tried reasoning with him and he just blew them off. He only listened when it was you who talked to him. You have a connection with him that nopony else has." "But..." He closed his eyes tightly for a second. "But that makes what I said-" "Even more important." she finished. "I was going to say more painful." "I...suppose that's also true...I know you were going to say some more really hurtful things, but sometimes...I guess sometimes, you have to be cruel to be kind..." He stared at her as if she suddenly spoke in a different language. "Think of it this way. What you said was hurtful, but you did make a point." she explained. "Somepony had make Psych listen, and that pony could only be you. Because of what you said, Psych could well be on the road to being a better pony. Being mean to him...was probably the nicest thing you've ever done to him..." He stared at her for a moment taking her words in before sighing and looking up the ceiling. "But...This is supposed to be kindness? This is supposed to be what you are? You're way too..." His head twitched a little. Fluttershy raised an eyebrow, but Ash didn't continue. "I know it's not the kindest thing to do, but it had to be done." Ash was silent for almost a whole minute. "I don't want to hurt him all the time..." "You don't have to. Maybe you could just, make him know just how much you love him back." Love. That word felt so strange to him, had always felt strange to him. It felt too pure, too perfect, to incorruptible. How can it possibly exist alongside the burning flames that lay in his heart? How can there be room in something as comforting and caring as love for harsh words, angry shouts, tears and pain? "You should probably say you're sorry when he comes back first." she suggested. He sighed. "I know him just as much as he knows me. I know he's coming back." "Of course." She gave him a gentle smile. "Even after today, he loves you very much Ash. I don't think he's ever going to give up on you. And well, after today, I don't think I'm giving up on you either." The familiar warmth in his hart returned upon hearing that making the corners of his mouth twitch a little. Fluttershy reached over and picked up the still full bowl of untouched broccoli. "Um...I think this is still good enough. But would you like me to heat it up first?" "I...I'd love that...Fluttershy..." She smiled once again before flying off with his favorite meal, his appetite returning with a vengeance.