!ynopyreve gnineve doooooooG
...ot dellirht ,drocsiD si sihT
!erehT ...dna ...no dloh ,hU ...eno siht ni yaw rehto eht og sdrow , spoO
This is Discord, thrilled to finally be back in good old Equestria-1!
Sorry about that, I just got back from vacation, and I forgot the rules of this universe for a second. How embarrassing!
Just had a wonderful vacation, and it was so cool! We were exploring the multiverse!
Actually, hold on, looks like my last post in this plane of reality was the 1000 Viewapalooza, I may need to backtrack some.
So I left you all to go hunt down SwimmingDalek98, figuring I would ride on a gilded saddle on Celestia, myself donning armor of the finest red leather, gilded in the royal filigree bespoken to my once proud title of Master of the Pony Riders as we worked together to obliterate that vile menace before he could annoy us anymore.
Turns out I may have interpreted the situation incorrectly...
Yeah... so, uh... remember how Celestia said I was technically on 'probation' after the whole 'chaos cookies incident'? And then remember how I threw her through a portal to Hell Jersey?
Heh... so, I may have forgotten to have my lawyercountants speak with her first after she got back, to explain all that about tax dodges and everything being Swimy Dee's fault.
I also should probably not have told her I planned to ride on her might backside while wearing leather. That was a tactical error all its own.
Anyways... long story short, the phrase "ONE MILLION YEARS DUNGEON!" is so overused these days, it would frankly be unbecoming of me to say whether it may or may not have been said at that time...
Frankly just thinking about it leaves a sour, lemony taste in my mouth...
The good news is that the Elements of Harmony were very much out of commission at this point, since they're still firmly lodged in the Tree of Harmony holding back my little pet plants...
Speaking of which, I just want to clear up the name of those seeds. They are actually called 'Seeds of Chaos'.
Cool name right? I thought so too, but the Director of that episode, Mareghan McCarthy, was Jersey-Bent on having them called 'Plunder Seeds' on the show for some reason I still don't quite understand.
Probably gonna try selling it as a toy, and 'Plunder Seeds' was more pleasant sounding to the marketing ponies or something.
Sigh... whatev's. Merch gotta sell, and Chaos gotta eat.
So uh... where was I? Oh yeah, that's right, eternal imprisonment in a dungeon.
Well, for legal reasons I will abstain from talking about the technicalities of the settlement my horde of lawyers may or may not have presented to the princess under the escort of my unstoppable horde of zombie pony slaves, but let's just say that for some reason there is a cell in Tartarus labeled Discord from which one can occasionally hear a stupid voice that is stupid yelling about getting its hands on some dragon balls and busting out of jail.
Now I just have to say, that is really messed up.
First off, since it is clear by the label that says 'Discord' on that door, I am in that cell so you definitely don't need to send anypony to investigate, especially anypony looking for Janemba who an anonymous witness will confirm left my house some time ago.
And second of all, I am ignoring any sick thoughts you all might be thinking in regards to a Draconequus and how getting a hold of his seven magic balls might grant you a wish.
Ladies...
And third, on an totally unrelated note, I had to leave Equestria for a while, and wear a black cloak Rarity was kind enough to give me while I did so. The word banished was definitely "not" in the contract Celestia made me sign.
Now I can hear your thoughts from the antenna's I had implanted in most of your heads, so I know you are all thinking, "But Discord, how can you leave us, your loyal servants, and go off to faraway lands forever? And will we see you on the show anymore?"
Well, worry not my brain damaged children with faulty implants, you forget two things. One, I started this blog post by saying I am back, so clearly I am back. And two, I have already been in another episode of the Discord is Great Show, featuring the Friendship is Magic dancers since I left the universe for my vacation. Why else do you think I was blue for a while in it and then covered in weird green spots?
Not a lazy writer adapting my Chaos Pox story and calling it "Blue Flu" for legal reasons, that's for sure!
No, the much more obvious reason is of course the correct answer. I was in a blue parallel dimension and then a green spotted parallel dimension on my trip when we filmed my parts in that episode, duh!
So obvious! Clearly more of you are brain damaged than I thought if you didn't immediately figure that one out!
For that matter, did Jetfire get a cut for that episode, because seriously, it was a cookie cutter copy of Jetfire's story, It's a Dangerous Business Going Out Your Door, which interestingly enough is considered canon by MaeceusMan for his story Eldritch Designs, despite never actually having happened! I mean, if it had, then that would mean that my character in the show was just copying that plot and making Twilight and Cadance do for me what Twilight's friends did for her when she was sick with Horn Rot!
Since I am awesome and don't steal anypony else's ideas, clearly that means that only happened in the show, and not in the real event that the episode was based on.
Of course, I was just in a variety of alternate universes for the past few months, so I might be mixing up which is the correct reality. My apologies.
Speaking of, I need to talk about that!
Okay, so there I was, not banished outside the borders of Equestria wearing a black cloak of not banishment, and I decided to open a portal to Hell Jersey. Unfortunately, I have never opened an extra dimensional portal on my own before, I have mostly just closed them. (Or threw ponies at them.)
So I tried yelling in an annoying voice like Janemba for a while, but that didn't do anything. So I sat down and went into my house, which I was keeping in my pocket for my long journey. And I decided to check my blog for new messages.
I read the three messages, which were interesting, albeit confusing. I'll cover those ones now, and then get to the fourth one in a bit, cause that's part of the story.
The first two were really more like one longer one, from Voltrasin, one of the few followers I have who aren't completely insane. How do I know she isn't?
Because she is respectful and always follows my rules, duh! Actually, she reminds me a bit of Fluttershy in a way. And not just cause of her profile pic.
(By the way, in the interest of fairness, I will now refer to all who message me for the next few blog entries as she, as they were all labeled as he for the last few.)
So anyways, Voltrasin says:
Thankyou for answering my question, My Lord.
Thankyou for the streamers. I shall treasure them always.
I hope old Sunbutt enjoyed her time in Hell Jersey. Chaos knows she deserved it.
Now, a humble chaos like myself would never let it go to his head when he gets a compliment like that from somepony, so of course I played it cool. I believe my exact actions were a cordial and polite smile and a tear glistening my eye as I ever so humbly bowed my head in thanks. There was DEFENITELY NOT ANY SQUEEING IN EXCITEMENT. NOPE. NONE. DON'T LOOK INTO IT.
This was quickly followed by her second message, a more traditional letter asking a new question, which reads:
Greetings, Oh Mighty and Handsome One.
If I am not wasting your time, I would like to share a tale of one of my recent interactions involving Chaos.
I was enjoying my day as usual, when suddenly a bright light goes off and I end up starring face to face with a Draconequus! For the slightest of seconds I believed it was you and was prepared to drop to my knees and worship it... before I took in its features, its particularly feminine features. She looked to be in her teens and introduced herself as Eris.
I was wondering if you know of this individual?
Thankyou for your time, My Lord.
Now I confess when I read this new message I was of course troubled. Another Draconequus in Equestria? Named Eris?
Were it anypony but Voltrasin, I would have written this "Eris" off as a joke, or perhaps as a bit of illusionary magic in a new stunt Poison Joke was planning to pull to mess with me.
Case and point, the third message I received at this point. This novel of a message comes from World Bearer. I apologize in advance for the gargantuan tomb that I am now pasting here, but I promised to post what was sent to me, and I will do right by my fans, no matter how long winded they may be. So here it is, the library World Bearer sent me. I'll get back to you on the other side of this thing, in about 30 hours when you finish reading it. Be advised, not for all ages:
Dear Mr Discord I have a great Chaotic friend for you he's a the head greater daemon of Tzeentch he has two heads, sure he may mutter on about two possible futures but all in all he's a great daemon to be around his name is Kairos Fatewaver. Though to summon him would take a thousand souls in sacrifice in a torturous blood sacrifice and would bring about the end of all things orderly and bring the mighty pantheon of gods and corrupt all who can be corrupted, the Chaos Gods I'm talking about are Khorne, also called the Blood God, is the Chaos God of blood, war and murder. Within the Realm of Chaos his domain covers the most basic and brutal of sentient emotions and actions, such as hate, anger, rage, war and killing. Every act of killing or murder in the material universe gives Khorne power; the more senseless and destructive, the better. Khornates take no artful approach to killing, seeking only to slay rather than to inflict pain, because while the blood of their victims strengthens Khorne, their suffering actually empowers his nemesis Slaanesh. The name "Khorne" derives from his name in Chaos' Dark Tongue, Kharneth, meaning "Lord of Rage" or "Lord of Blood". He is the mightiest and the second oldest of the four major Chaos Gods, after Grandfather Nurgle. He is also known as the Lord of Skulls. Khorne is said to have inherited a martial nobility and honour, and considers the weak and helpless to be unworthy of his wrath. The battle-cry of the followers of Khorne reflects his desire for wanton violence: "Blood for the Blood God! Skulls for the Throne of Khorne!" Alternatively, they may cry, "Skulls for the Skull Throne!" In the throes of violence, Khorne's followers are also known to bellow, "KILL! MAIM! BURN!" repeatedly while hacking apart their enemies. Followers of Slaanesh, who Khornates see as degenerate scum who kill only for pleasure rather than simple slaughter, are favored foes to go up against in battle. Khorne's number is eight, reflected in the organization of his armies, and in smaller matters such as the number of syllables in a daemonic follower's name. Where possible, his warriors will form up into squads of this number. His primary colors are blood red, black and brass. Also note; his mark looks vaguely like a figure of eight or a stylized human skull.
Slaanesh, the Dark Prince, is the Chaos God of Pleasure, Passion, and Decadence. Within the Realm of Chaos hir domain is that of all mortal sin, especially those of the flesh. Lust, pride and self-indulgence are the hallmarks of all that follow him. He is commonly known in the Empire of Man as the Prince of Pleasure and even the Prince of Chaos. He is the youngest of the Chaos Gods. While generally referred to as a "he" by humans, Slaanesh is actually neither gender, combining characteristics of both and perfecting them. Slaanesh typically appears in an androgynous form in which it is a woman on the right side and a man on the left with two sets of devilish horns growing from its head. Slaanesh can assume any form; male, female, hermaphrodite or asexual, but it prefers male bodies. Its number is six and the colours associated with Slaanesh are purple, pink and black. The name Slaanesh is a corruption of the Elven term Slaaneth (Slaa meaning "ecstasy" or "pleasure" and Neth meaning "lord" or "prince"; hence, the Prince of Pleasure).
Tzeentch the Lord the Changer of Ways, is the Chaos God of Sorcery, Change, and Manipulation. Within the Realm of Chaos his domain covers the chaotic magic, evolution and change, scheming and manipulation of all kinds, mundane as well as arcane. He is known under many other names, among them the Lord of Change, the Grand Schemer and the Lord of Sorcery.
Nurgle, the Plague Lord, is the Chaos God of disease, destruction and decay. Within the Realm of Chaos his domain covers the forces of destruction, despair, entropy, and all things putrid and unclean. In particular, the emotion of despair in mortals empowers him. He is the oldest of the four Chaos Gods and is the most directly involved with the plights of mortals, particularly humans who suffer so acutely from a fear of death, perhaps the oldest fear of this race. Many of those affected by his poxes usually turn to him in order to escape the pain caused by sickness and disease. Nurgle also embodies the will of mankind to struggle on, no matter what opposes it, albeit perversely. Suffering, death, pain: human beings push these things from their minds and try to forget them by living in the moment in the hope that the future will be a better one. For this reason Nurgle, his daemons and mortal followers usually demonstrate a disturbing joy at the pestilence that they inflict, seeing the plagues as gifts and the cries of their victims as gratitude for the strength to overcome the obstacles of a mortal life rather than agony. He is known also as Grandfather Nurgle, the Lord of Flies and the Lord of Decay. Nurgle's number is seven. He is represented by the colours of green and brown, generally the putrid variations of each; the colours of rot and ruin, waste and vomit, mucus and pus.
they even have a better book than you minor leaguer. Their far superior book is called The Liber Chaotica.
from yours truly Word Bearer
Welcome back! Please, take a seat, catch your breath, drink a little glass of water.
You must be exhausted after making your way through that saga, dear reader!
Well I was anyways, when I first read it.
Took me a few tries too, I dislike run-ons with a passion when they get that bad because when they do it doesn't even matter what the pony was trying to say the point is just utterly lost in the sheer size and scope of the continual stream of thoughts that perpetuate from their mouths without consideration for the comprehension of the reader and certainly without the consideration for the author who has to fight their way through it with a machete to even determine what the pony might have been trying to say amid that constant stream of perpetual babble which never seems to end no matter how long you read until you finally reach the point where you can't really remember what the start of the sentence might actually have said, right?
If you were in front of me right now World Bearer, I'd drop the mic and walk away, cause you just got run-on served!
Anyways, to the point of your message. Let me first sum up what it said. Kairos Fatewaver, a two headed Chaos demon, is a nice guy I should meet. But if I do I summon 4 ancient Chaos gods who will bring about the end times for all. They are Khorne, Slaanesh, Tzeentch, and Nurgle. They wrote a book called The Liber Chaotica, which according to World Bearer, is much better than Discord's Big Book of Holy Chaos.
By the way, World Bearer, that is called a summary. You're welcome.
Now I'm sure you were trying to be intimidating, ma'am, but two things.
One, The Liber Chaotica is about as much fun to read as the Necronomicon, and it doesn't come in a pretty picture book form. (Discord's Big Book of Holy Chaos, get yours for that special somepony this Marether's Day!)
And two, you just described my weekly poker team. I call them, Kairo, Corn, Slaw, Zee, and Nurgy.
Kairo's left head always tries to bluff, he uses the right one when he has a good hand. A little too obvious a tell, but none of us are gonna tell him...
Anyways, Voltrasin, back to my point. You mentioned Eris, and that got me curious. So I set out on an epic quest that would still take less time to tell than everything World Bearer said. And I won't even tell it, that's how concise I am, what up?
So I found Eris. She turns out to be me from another dimension. Seems after we talked for a while that her dimension is 63 dimensions to the right of this one, where everything is about the same, except all mares are colts, and all colts are mares. Thus Eris instead of Discord. And also, for some reason she did not click with Butterscotch, (her version of the Element of Kindness), so she never agreed to "join" the side of "good".
This meant she left Equestria much earlier than I did, and had discovered how to travel between different universes from a demon I had instead stopped because Celestia had asked me to.
Well there is nochaos I like more than myself, so we immediately clicked. Though I do find it amusing she chose to look like a teenager and dye her hair black. Really immature.
Unlike me of course, I am totes mature.
Anyways, she showed me the portal spell, and then proceeded to show me around a whole bunch of crazy realities.
I saw a reality where Equestria was destroyed by Megaspells, and everypony lived in underground Stables. It was cool until I learned that I was still trapped in stone and being harvested as an energy supply there. Bummer alt-me, bummer.
I saw her reality, and met Lord Solaris, who is a total tool.
I saw a reality where everypony was instead made of living candy and in serious denial about how much their world sucked.
I saw realities of color and sound, flat realities and backwards realities and even realities where I had never entered the universe originally at all and everypony still had giant eyes and... and... ugh, sorry, it still gives me the creeps to think about that last one. I'll have nightmares about it for a long time to come.
But eventually, I came to a world that was identical to the one I left, except for one small difference. I was not banished by Celestia. I was all set to settle down in this one and pretend nothing had changed, until I learned the reason I wasn't banished was because Celestia was actually into leather and riding and... ugh... okay, sorry, barf.
Needless to say, I quickly decided it was time for me to come home, though I first managed to talk Eris into hanging out in that reality for a while and meeting a near identical version of everypony I knew. Who knows, maybe she'll get along with Fluttershy better than Butterscotch. Maybe she can actually find some friends of her own. And if not, she's only a quick portal away. Plus I connected the internet's of the entire multiverse so we can correspond, which I'm sure won't come back to bite me at some future point.
So yeah, and here I am. At least, I think this is the right dimension now, because I don't know how Eris managed to comment on this blog, since the message from her had certainly not been there when I left with her. Here it is, from This Individual Eris, posted almost 15 weeks ago:
When I was a girl, I dreamt of standing in a room looking at a girl who was and was not myself, who stood looking at another girl, who also was and was not myself. Friends took this for a nightmare. I saw it as the beginning of a career in chaos.
Hello, brother dearest.
I think it means another Eris and another Discord are still out there, traveling the multiverse together, and I am just keeping the seat warm.
Peace out y'all, can't wait to hear from anypony from anyuniverse!
And now to patch things up with Celestia...
Anypony know if she still likes Coltrane?