//------------------------------// // 03: Bad Dogs // Story: Guffaw at the Grossly // by Weeeman //------------------------------// Chapter 3: Bad Dogs The jumping bears seemed to have learned their lesson, as I didn’t encounter a single one after I bandaged my wounds. I continued to move forwards for hours, flying as fast as I could while dodging the trees. By noon, a bunny jumped just in front of me, so I gobbled it up for lunch. My wounds weren’t hurting as bad as they did before, but the pain was still annoying. Suddenly, the ground disappeared, and I found myself floating a kilometer above the ocean below. Behind me was the floating island I had just left, and in front of me, a few kilometers away, there was an even bigger island. Discoooooooooooord! What? You could have told me Atlantis is a lot of small islands! It’s not, you just landed on one of the small islands that circle the main one. Oh! So the one in front of me is the real deal? That’s it. Good. Are there any more of these fucking bears? Probably. Next time I find one, I’ll make myself a necklace with its teeth. Discord then decided to talk about the intricacies of alicorn anatomy, and about how they were able to manipulate stuff with their hooves with a precision on par with a human’s. I let him talk without really paying attention to him, as I pondered on what I would change first as soon as I was allowed to use my magic on myself again. My musings accompanied me as I reached the main island and continued advancing, hoping to find anything that wasn’t more trees and grass and critters and forest and trees and wildlife and trees and boredom. I know you aren’t paying attention to me, but you really should acknowledge the cynogriffins that have been watching you for the last hour. What? Where? I... can’t tell you. Oh for goodness’ sake! These rules are so constricting and frustrating! I can’t do anything save for watching you move around without any idea of what you are doing! Yeah, this game has been sorta boring so far. Why don’t we just do something else? I’m afraid that is simply not possible. Not possible? What do you mean? Just focus on the cynogriffins. I’ll explain it later. Thanks to Discord’s warning, I realized that I wasn’t the only thing moving in the forest. My ears picked up the faint noises of wings flapping and tree branches being grazed. I slowed down until I stopped, then I turned to face the incoming wolves. Soon, one of them broke through the foliage that hid them, and the slobbering beast had the audacity of snarling at me. “That’s no proper way to address a lady!” I admonished him. I mean, the nerve of growling at me like that! He deserves a spanking for that! “What are you?” the cyno asked. “I am a… What was it… Oh, right! I’m a draconequus!” The other five cynos showed themselves, forming a circle around me. They snarled and growled, but none of them dared to get closer to me. “A draconequus?” the biggest of the cynogriffins asked. “I thought Discord the draconequus was only a myth, and I have never heard of more creatures like him. You will come with us, the alpha will want to see you with his own eyes.” “Sure, why not?” I followed the talkative cynogriffin, as the others stayed behind me. We flew way below the speed of sound, probably to avoid making noise and leaving a huge colorful trail that could be seen from everywhere. After just a few minutes we all landed on a small camp. I could see the remains of a campfire, the half-eaten remains of some sort of deer, and a big cage made of metal bars. “Get in that cage, draconequus.” I wanted to know what they were up to, so I decided to obey their orders and see what happened. “What now?” I asked once I was locked inside the cage. “Now you wait there in silence while we hunt.” “Have fun!” As the cynos left, I realized that they wanted me to wait inside the cage, doing nothing, until they eventually returned. Obviously, such a thing was impossible. How was I supposed to wait for hours, with nothing to keep me entertained while the wounds caused by the jumping bears still hurt?! To make things even worse, I realized that I had to poo, something that I hadn’t done ever before. Yes, I wasn’t potty trained, I barely managed to pee without it spraying all over me, so “taking a dump” was something I wasn’t sure I would manage to do without making a huge mess. Discord, I need potty training, NOW. The only thing that came from his end was loud laughter and brief stops to breathe. “Alright, Guffaw, you can do this. Even the most simple of creatures do it without help, and you are the pinnacle of perfection. Alright, let’s go!” A couple of minutes later I was feeling more grateful than ever before to the fact that, even though I couldn’t use my magic on myself, I could use it on anything that was excreted by me. Teleporting stuff away proved to be very useful. With that sorted out, I decided to play the guitar until the wolves returned. I had no idea how to do such a thing with my fingers, but thanks to my magic I could play any song I wished better than any guitarist. I only played it for a few minutes, since I remembered that I had been told to be silent, so I decided to do something else. By the time the wolves returned, carrying a dead reindeer with them, I was playing checkers against myself. For some reason, they seemed to be surprised by something I had done, since they were all staring at me with wide eyes. “How did she get all that stuff in there?” one of them asked. I looked behind me and noticed that I had indeed filled the cage to the brim with a wide variety of objects that would bring me amusement, such as books, a TV, three dismantled kllzoñoiräghets, a dresser, and canned serendipity. “I got bored while waiting for you,” I answered as all the items disappeared with a snap of my insectoid fingers. “Magic,” a different cynogriffin snarled. “We should get rid of this creature. Nothing good comes from being near magic users.” “I said we will show her to the alpha, and that’s what we are going to do,” the one that seemed to be the leader replied. “So, uh, when can I come out?” I asked. “It’s boring here, my wounds are itching like crazy and I’m hungry.” “You are wounded?” “Well, duh, why do you think I’m wearing these?” I asked, pointing at the bandages. “For all I know those are part of your body like that… Limb-shaped water thing.” “No, these are real bandages. I was flying around, minding my own business, when I suddenly got attacked by giant bears that jumped out of the forest.” “Saberclaw bears,” the wolf muttered, frowning. “You are lucky to still be alive, those creatures are vile and dangerous.” “So, I’m still hungry and my wounds still annoy me.” “So?” “So? What are you going to do about it?” “Why do you think I AM going to do anything about your problems? You will be supplied food so you won’t starve, but if you think I’m going to lick your wounds like you were a pup you are very mistaken.” I almost blowed them all to pieces there and then, but the fact that then I would be alone and bored again swayed my hand. Therefore, I decided to act the part of a prisoner. I looked down, trying to look as crestfallen and defeated as possible until they turned their attention to the reindeer they had recently hunted. Since I had nothing better to do, I decided to watch them as if I was back in the Nexus. To my surprise,I found myself captivated by them. They were, essentially, sapient wolves with wings attached to their backs, which made them way different to the archetypical sapient human-like beings that were boringly common in way too many dimensions. The cynogriffins had paws with no opposable thumbs, yet they could manipulate stuff with way more dexterity that they had any right to. It was as if their pads had glue that allowed them to hold stuff. After listening to them for a few hours I had a pretty good picture of each of them. They were an amusing group, each cynogriffin having his own personality and all of that. One of them seemed to hold a grudge with another due to some female they both desired or something like that. The only thing stopping them from attacking each other was the leader’s presence. The leader, the one who had talked to me the most, was always making sure his underlings didn’t do anything stupid. There was a lot more I learned about them, but it doesn’t matter. What matters is that, as soon as I figured all of that out, I grew bored of watching them. Disco, I’m bored. Tell me why you can’t just leave the game. It’s a long story, it’ll probably bore you. Nothing can be more boring than this. And I would like to know what is going on. Like, the backstory, the lore, why this is like this and that is like that. Alright, get comfortable. Daddy Discord is going to tell you a story. Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equis, the gods decided to create a Perfect Race. Fortunately, I arrived just in time to stop it. Can you imagine a perfect race, ruling over the world without opposition nor conflict? Wouldn’t it be the most boring thing possible? So, I meddled with their act of creation, making sure that the “perfect” race was not so perfect. Thanks to that, the race split into the three sapient races, the cynogriffins that surround you being one of them. Ok I just realized I have absolutely zero interest for the history of this planet. Skip to the interesting part. That’s what I was going to do. You need to be more patient, sometimes a bit of waiting can result in much more amusement in the long run, Chuckles. You see, even though the race was no longer perfect, it was still near perfect. Due to that, I figured that this planet needed something big and nasty that would cause the chaos that the locals failed to provide. So I created the creatures that are now known as The Evils. The first one I created is Tirek the Destroyer, a creature of pure malice and destruction. Simply put, I went overboard with him. I created him so he could spread violence and destruction while I focused on chaos and fun. I left him to his own devices and I sort of forgot about him. The next time I encountered him, he had managed to grow as powerful as I am, if not stronger. He is the one who has started this game, and if he wins nothing will stop him from taking over this planet. You see, a perfect race living in an utopia is boring, but an infernal land in which there’s only pain and death is even worse. I can’t let him get away with that, because he is my creation so then it will be ME the one to blame for turning this land into something as monotone and unoriginal as a living hell. So you messed up big time and now you are doing damage control. Pretty much, yes. That is why I need you to win. If Tirek wins, this world will become a terrible place to live, and I have grown fond of it so I don’t want to leave it. If Faust or any other goody-two-shoes player wins they will bring peace and order. I grimaced when he said that word and, judging by how he pronounced it on my mind, he also did. But, if we win… With that power I could spread chaos and disharmony all over the planet, and not even all of the powers in this planet united could stop me! When these mortals get a taste of the wonders of chaos, they will sing the praises of it! Just think of the possibilities! We could do things that not even the wildest mind could ever conceive. It does sound fun. I guess that goal is worth winning this not-so-amusing-anymore game. “Hey,” a cynogriffin called me, bringing me back to reality. “Stop daydreaming and eat this.” He threw a mass of half-eaten reindeer entrails in front of me. Shrugging, I started eating. The taste was slightly different to my previous meal, but I enjoyed it too. I was about to finish it when I began to feel very, very sleepy. I soon found myself unable to move a muscle, let alone use magic. “See? I told you it would work,” I heard someone say before I blacked out.