Fluttershy hovered out the front door, holding the purring cat in her front hooves. It felt weird to her, holding a hairless cat. It was almost like holding a large, skinned potato.
Upon leaving the Town Hall, she had taken notice that almost no one else was outside, save for her, her friends, and the creature that sat down in a bench on the porch, staring up at the giant spaceship that still loomed over the town square with folded arms and an expression of distaste. I thought there’d be more ponies outside, she thought to herself. But then again, it is pretty late.
The moment she exited the building, Doctor Evil raised a hand up to the giant statue, looking towards her. “Where are all the henchmen?” he asked her.
“Probably asleep,” she replied with honesty. “Why do you ask?”
“They should be taking care of this frickin’ eyesore,” he said. “If it isn’t gone by tomorrow morning, someone’s getting incinerated… So, where are my private quarters?”
“...Y-You’re actually staying with me tonight,” she responded, before quickly adding, “I mean, if that’s okay,” in the hopes of avoiding confrontation with the creature from another world.
He sighed in reluctance. “It will do for now,” he stated. “So I take it that I don’t have a readily-accessible dwelling at this base?” She shook her head. “Then lead the way.” However, the moment he stood up, he then asked, “Okay, is there another frickin’ stairway I can use?” Fluttershy nodded, pointing to the left side facing the building, where an undamaged stairway stood. Following her hoof, he began walking around the building.
It’s okay, Fluttershy, she thought to herself in an attempt to keep her anxiety from rising. Maybe he won’t be too much trouble.
“You gonna be alright?”
Fluttershy yelped in surprise, flying straight up and hitting her head on the roof of the porch, before falling back down on her rump, the cat leaping from her grasp with a meow of disdain.
“Are you okay?” Twilight shouted, helping her up and back into a standing position.
“Yeah, I’m fi- ...Ow…” She rubbed the side of her head, which was currently throbbing with pain. “I’m f-fine, Twilight.”
“Are you sure?” Fluttershy nodded in affirmative. “Good. Don’t worry, the letter will be sent first thing tomorrow morning, and if he’s too much trouble, just come and get us, okay?”
“Hey!” called the Doctor, a ways away from the building. “You’re leading the frickin’ way, remember?”
Fluttershy quickly scooped up the cat -who released a hiss of protest- and flew over the fence. “I’ll be okay, Twilight,” she said, before flying over to hover alongside the Doctor, who was currently walking away from the Town Hall -and the massive statue.
He eyed her for a moment, before finally saying, “Okay, I have to ask; are you really flying, or is that a hallucination?”
Acid? “I-I’m really flying,” she responded.
“How?” he inquired. “Because from my perspective, you look like a yellow deformed horse with frickin’ wings.”
“Oh! Uh… Well…” What do I say? I can’t tell him I really am a flying deformed horse, can I? ...Wait, I’m not a horse… or deformed… am I..?
“I suppose I’ll find out tomorrow,” he continued. “But if it’s a jetpack, then I frickin’ want one. Maybe I’ll have Mustafa build me one before I incinerate him.”
Upon hearing the word incinerate, her spirits fell and her anxiety rose. “So,” she said, hoping to change the subject, “uh, how are you?”
“Well,” he began, keeping his eyes forward and his hands on his hips, “I’m tripping on frickin’ LSD, my cat has no more fur, and I’m fairly certain that the freezing process has left me impotent… But aside from that, I feel stellar, thank you for asking.”
“Uh… you're welcome?” she replied warily.
He turned to look over at her. “So what all has happened since my thirty-year sabbatical?” he asked.
“I’m not sure,” she replied honestly.”I don’t really remember when you left.”
“You must be a newer henchman,” he stated. “Well, what all has happened in the last thirty years then?”
Fluttershy rubbed her chin in thought. “Well, there was the return of princess Luna,” she finally said. It took her a couple seconds of flying forward to realize that the doctor had stopped walking. When she turned back around, she saw that his arms were folded over his chest.
“Luna? Her name is Luna?” he asked incredulously. “So, not only are they lesbians, but they’re frickin’ hippies too?”
Fluttershy raised an eyebrow. “The princesses aren’t lesbians… At least I don’t think they are… Also, what’s a hippy?”
After a second of staring, he brought his hands up to rub his temples, bowing his head slightly and exhaling loudly. “Fine, then where did Luna return from?” he questioned, holding his hands on his hips once more.
“Oh, she was banished to the moon for a thousand years,” Fluttershy responded. ...Wait, was I supposed to tell him that?
The doctor’s eyes went wide, his eyebrows climbing halfway up his forehead, his jaw slightly drooped. “...Banished… to the frickin’ moon… Okay, I’ll play along; why was she banished?”
No, I don’t think I was! Quick, Fluttershy, think! Her thoughts raced for an answer that would not reveal any more than what has already been said. Reluctantly, she chose to lie.
“...She… kicked a small animal,” she stated in a nervous tone. He just stared at her blankly, and she added, “On purpose, too.”
Suddenly, the doctor hunched over, grabbing his gut and letting loose a surprisingly-boisterous laugh that caused Fluttershy to flinch, almost losing her grip on the cat. Her heart skipped a beat, having not expected the alien to make such a loud noise so suddenly.
“Oh, are you okay?” she asked urgently, flying closer to the doctor.
The doctor slapped his knee twice with his hand, and straightened his back upward, taking a deep inhale. “Oh, I haven’t laughed like that since I was a little girl,” he said via exhale. “Thank you for that, henchman.”
“Uh, you're welcome?” ...I don’t get it.
“Well enough lollygagging,” he then said. “Lead the way, henchman.”
After a moment of staring at the doctor, she slowly turned back around, flying down the street with the doctor following close behind. Just then, another peculiar detail revealed itself to her.
He’s a girl?
--Insert Austin Powers Wipe Here--
The henchman had led him around for what felt like a half an hour, and they passed several strange structures, including many oddly-painted homes, a statue of a tall winged, horned and armored horse, and a tall building that the doctor could only describe as diabetes the size of Wisconsin. His legs began to grow sore -having not been used in thirty years- and he found himself taking several quick breaks along the way to rest them.
“How much longer until we get there?” he asked her on one such break, rubbing his calf.
“Not much longer,” she replied in a quiet voice. “It’s right up the road.”
“It’s about frickin’ time,” he muttered under his breath, shaking out his legs before continuing his brisk pace behind her. “You know, I never did catch your name, henchman.”
“Oh, it’s Fluttershy,” she responded.
He stopped in his tracks. Great, another hippy. What, did they turn our organization into a frickin’ commune while I was gone? “...Right…”
She turned around, still flying backwards. “Oh, is something wrong?” she inquired, with what the doctor brilliantly deduced was nervousness. He opened his mouth to speak, when something bolted from the shadows up ahead, speeding down the path at a rate that greatly alarmed him.
“What is that?” he said urgently, pointing at the anomalous silhouette. “What the hell is that?” Oh God, I hope this didn’t just become a bad frickin' trip.
“Hmm?” she turned herself back around, facing the creature that was now a mere twenty feet from the doctor. “Oh, that’s just Angel.”
“Angel?” Upon closer inspection through the partially-illuminated landscape -caused by the immense lunar body that hovered overhead- he saw that the foreign being was… a rabbit. God frickin’ damnit, he scolded himself. “...So is he really a rabbit, or…”
Fluttershy flew low enough so that the white, large-headed rabbit could climb up onto her leg, and from there into her arms alongside Mister Bigglesworth, who hissed at the new contact.
Well that solves that frickin’ conundrum.
“What are you doing out here so late?” she asked the hare. “You know you should be asleep.” The rabbit then proceeded to point directly at the doctor and utter several incoherent noises. “He’s going to be staying with us for the night. Is that okay with you?”
“Wait,” interjected the doctor, holding a hand up as though to physically stop her words. “You can understand that frickin’ fuzzball?”
“Of course,” she said with less timidness than before. “Why wouldn’t I?”
Sure, why wouldn’t you be able to carry on a conversation with that tiny little shit? “...Nevermind. Are we there yet?”
“Actually, yes,” she replied, directing his attention to what he considered something out of a Disney cartoon; a large, colorful cottage surrounded by birdhouses and a small stream that wrapped around the front, running under a bridge that led to what he assumed was the front door. It had a very homey, yet disturbing feel to it.
“Come on,” she said, compelling him to follow. “I’ll show you where you’ll be sleeping.”
“Sleeping? I’ve been asleep for thirty frickin’ years!” he rebutted, following her to the door. “The last thing I need right now is sleep.”
She opened the door and ushered him inside. “Oh, well that’s okay,” she said as he walked inside. “You don’t have to sleep.”
Inside was even worse; the living room was completely congested with sacks of animal feed and shelters, including birdhouses and artificial burrows. The smell of wildlife was incredibly strong in the room, and the doctor had to cover his mouth for a moment to adjust.
“Jesus Christ,” he said with disgust. “It smells like a frickin’ zoo in here!”
Fluttershy shut the door behind them, and set the animals down on the floor. “It’s not that bad, is it?” she asked him with a worried expression.
Suddenly, the doctor’s mind was flooded with memories, and after a few seconds, he lowered his hand and took another whiff. “...Actually,” he began, smiling, “its smell is almost identical to that of my childhood bungalow in Bruges.” Musk, copious amounts of fecal matter, small animals performing coitus in a dark corner; it’s like I’m a child again!
“Oh, well I’m sorry that it bothers you,” she said, “but there’s, um, not really anything I can do about it.”
“No matter; this will be sufficient for now,” he assured her.
Breathing a sigh of what the doctor deduced was relief, she flew backwards and hovered over a large green sofa that covered the length of the back wall. “I don’t have a guest room,” she explained, “so you’re going to need to sleep here, if that’s alright.”
“I won’t be sleeping,” he countered, annoyed. “I’ve told you this before, henchman. What, did it just go in one frickin’ ear and out through the other?”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” she said, her jaw tensed and mouth frowning. “Well, if you decide to, then this is where you would sleep.”
She then flew through an archway that led into what he could only assume was a kitchen; a small ten foot by ten room with yellow-and-white checkered floor tiles, countertops lining the back and left wall, with a stove-cum-oven nestled into an alcove perpendicular to a chrome sink with a red clay basin. She opened the the refrigerator -which he immediately noticed was turquoise- and said, “If you get hungry, feel free to help yourself. There are dishes in the cupboards above the stove.”
At the mere mention of food, his stomach growled, and he tensed his gut. “I might have to take you up on that,” he replied. “Thirty years in space certainly piques one's appetite.” Figures, he thought, Mustafa wouldn’t even add a bag of frickin’ peanuts for when I got hungry. What form of punishment is more malicious than incineration? ...Starvation first, then incineration. Oh, I’m one evil little- wait, why is she staring at me?
Fluttershy was indeed staring at him, with a rather-uneasy smile. “What the hell are you looking at me like that for?” he questioned, folding his arms.
“Oh,” she then said, her smile fading. “You were smiling, and I didn’t know why.”
“I was?”
She nodded. “What were you thinking about? I mean, if I may ask.”
“Nothing a henchman need concern herself with,” he replied. “Now, I suppose you’ll be heading to bed now?” As if on cue, she held a “hoof” over her mouth and released a faint yawn, before nodding groggily. “Very well then, go rest,” he ordered. “Tomorrow is going to be a big day; the doctor is in the house.” He brought a pinkie up to his mouth proudly. That was quite clever of me, he thought, praising himself for his quip.
“Alright then,” she said, finally falling back to the floor and scaling a flight of steps that resided along the left wall flanking the doorway. “Goodnight, Mister Evil.”
“Doctor,” he corrected. “Frickin’ get it right, henchman.” He heard the ceiling creek overhead, and stood there listening for a moment, before strolling back into the kitchen. Once there, he opened the refrigerator to find…
Frickin’ hippy food.
Inside was an assortment of vegetables and fruits seemingly shoved inside; carrots, lettuce, apples and bananas were among those that seemed to populate the majority of the interior. Not without releasing a sigh of disappointment, he pulled out a carrot from the top shelf, eyeing it for a moment. He then grabbed two more, along with an apple, and an unlabeled jar of what he could only assume was milk, before shutting the door and walking back into the main room with the morsels he had recovered, only to find a familiar white rabbit staring him down from atop the back of the green sofa.
“What the hell do you want?” he questioned,setting the food down on a nearby table.
The rabbit mumbled something incoherent, before snagging a carrot from the table and taking a bite from it.
“I was gonna frickin’ eat that!” he exclaimed. “What the hell’s the matter with you?”
It was at this point that Angel gave the doctor a rather rude and unbecoming gesture with his paw, before tossing the carrot and beaning him on the forehead, causing him to flinch.
“Oh, you little-” Suddenly, the doctor had an idea. A rather sinister idea. He grinned deviously down at the little furball before him, who gave him a puzzled expression. These carrots would go great with rabbit stew...
The doctor licked his lips dramatically, and Angel’s face drooped. In no time at all, the rabbit bolted down onto the floor, with the doctor chasing close behind.
“Come back here you fuzzy prick!” he shouted, trying to stomp down onto the bolting rabbit -who was nearly squashed on several occasions- before Angel tried to dash up the steps. “Oh no you don’t!” he yelled, before grabbing the jar of milk that he had retrieved from the table and tossing it, clocking the rabbit on the side of his head and flinging him into the wall, the jar shattering and shooting shards and milk everywhere. The rabbit then rolled down the stairs before falling to the bottom, soaked in milk and clutching his now-sore head.
“Hell yeah!” he shouted in glee. “Look at that, I’m a regular frickin’ Bob Gibson!” He pranced over, grabbing the neck of the destroyed bottle -the ragged edge making it the perfect shiv- before turning towards the now-standing rabbit. “En garde you little shit!” he cried, before lunging forward with the broken bottle.
Angel barely avoided the blow, leaping two feet straight up into the air and delivering a flying roundhouse kick to Doctor Evil’s face. The doctor flinched -though the blow inflicted no pain whatsoever- and swung a foot up to kick the hare, sending him flying through the air and into a hanging birdhouse, where he latched onto the peg and desperately tried to pull himself up. When the doctor saw that the birdhouse was about eleven feet high and suspended from the ceiling, he threw the bottle at Angel, completely missing the birdhouse entirely and shattering the weapon against the wall.
“Oh, now I throw like a girl,” he said sarcastically, looking around for something else to throw at the rodent. ...Oh, this’ll work.
Angel had no time to react as a live weasel collided with him, knocking him off of the birdhouse and sending him plummeting down to the floor, where he landed with a dull thud. The doctor then rushed forward and stepped on his fluffy -yet soaked with milk- tail, preventing him from escaping. The bunny beat on his brown italian loafer in a feeble attempt to free himself, with no success.
He then grabbed Angel by the ears, hoisting him up to meet with the doctor eye to eye. “Now, let’s go have a little rendezvous with the cooking pot, shall we?” he said, sneering.
“Angel!”
...Shit.
The doctor scrunched his eyes shut, wincing. “Shit,” he echoed through clenched teeth, before turning towards the direction of the voice. Fluttershy stood there on the steps, giving him a look of horror and dread.
“W-What are you doing?!” she managed to ask, her voice quivering and her eyes welling up with tears.
He looked between her and the rabbit several times, before settling on Fluttershy. “This little fricker started it!” he finally exclaimed.
She wiped her face with her hoof, before pulling it back away and staring at it. “Wait, why is there milk all over..?”
“He beaned me with a carrot!” he shouted.
Angel then made several more indecipherable noises, and in no time at all, Fluttershy seemed to transform from a timid little henchman to an incredibly enraged one, staring straight into the doctor’s eyes with pupils that stared deep into his soul. He felt as though she could peer deep into his mind -his very essence- and pick him apart piece by piece. Her lips curled back into a snarl, and she flew up close to him, her face inches from his.
“You set him down RIGHT NOW, MISTER!”
“...It’s Docto-”
“NOW!”
Immediately, his grip slackened enough for the bunny to fall down to the ground. He landed on his feet and quickly ran away; but not without first delivering a swift -yet ineffective- kick to the doctor’s shin.
“How DARE you try to hurt another living creature!” she reprimanded him. “Just because he’s one-twentieth your size doesn’t mean he only gets one-twentieth of your respect! How would you like it if someone big tried to hurt you?”
The doctor stood there, dumbfounded. “...But he frickin’ started it!” he finally replied.
“And now I’m ending it,” she countered, losing her volume but maintaining her scolding tone. “Now I want you to clean up the mess you made.” Still looking at the doctor, she pointed her hoof back towards the milk-stained steps.
Normally, he would have had the henchman executed for attempting to order the supremely evil mastermind to do anything besides keep being evil -and even then, the henchman would be punished with several lashings- but something in his mind told him that doing so was not the wisest path to tread upon.
Is she making me feel… guilty? he wondered. Oh, you manipulative little fluesy! ...Well played, henchman. Well played indeed...
“...Very well then,” he ceded. “But I am only doing so because I do not wish to be bothered by the smell of curdled milk, or by stepping on broken glass. Now, where are the cleaning supplies?” he asked, avoiding staring directly into her eyes.
“Under the kitchen sink,” she seethed. “I want the glass cleaned up too. And I want you to apologize to Angel for trying to eat him.” She then gave him a look that was part-infuriated, and part-who does that?
Me? Apologize? You’d have a better chance of me laying a frickin’ egg! “Oh fat chance I’m apologizing to some turd who-”
“I understand you’re upset,” she interrupted, “and it was wrong of Angel to initiate the conflict. But in the end, did he really hurt you?”
The doctor scoffed. “That little carrot-munching asshole couldn’t hurt me if he tried.”
“Then would he have deserved being eaten?” the henchman countered.
“Abso-frickin’-lutely,” he replied snidely. No one frickin’ assaults me and lives… Except Austin Powers… And his harlot sidekick. And his other harlot sidekick. And everyone at the Academy. And- Okay, not many frickin’ assault me and live.
Suddenly, the henchman returned to her previous enraged state, and the doctor felt squeamish. “Apologize!” she shouted.
Jesus Christ, she’s frickin’ frightening as a horse. He reared back, flinching. “...Fine,” he ceded. “Where is he?”
“Oh Angel~!” she called in her usual, gentle voice -though much more sing-song than normal. Her ability to transition so quickly both baffled and frightened the doctor. “Our friend has something he’d like to say to you~!” He then turned as he heard like thumping from behind him, to see the rabbit slowly peek out from the archway leading to the kitchen. He was looking warily at the doctor.
“Well?” she then said to him expectantly.
He sighed heavily, having acknowledged defeat, and reluctantly said, “I’m sorry.”
“For?”
He cringed, before adding, “I’m sorry for trying to turn you into ragoût de lapin.” He then looked back at the henchman, who gave him an approving smile.
“Thank you,” she replied warmly. Then, to Angel, “Now I want you to apologize.”
Angel seemed taken aback, and threw many incoherent nothings at the henchman. “For harassing our guest. I thought I taught you better than that. Now apologize.”
The rabbit sighed -Because apparently, rabbits can sigh now, thought the doctor- before looking up at the doctor and mumbling something.
“What was that?” the henchman questioned. With an even heavier sigh, the rabbit mumbled once more, louder. She gave him a smile. Then once more to the doctor, “You go get the cleaner, I’ll get you a pillow and blanket,” she said softly, before turning to fly back up the steps.
“I told you, I’m not-” Almost immediately, she shot him a glare that silenced him completely, before flying back upstairs.
Behind him, he could hear faint giggling, and turning around, he saw the rabbit on the floor, laughing hysterically. When he finished, he swung his arm down and made a “Wa-kish!” sound.
...Oh I get it! he thought. He’s calling me whipped! Well laugh now, you sniveling little rodent, because when this is all over… He reached down, and picked up the half-eaten carrot, before taking a bite of his own.
I’ll be having your nuts on a silver frickin’ platter!