//------------------------------// // All That Was // Story: A Love For Madness // by ShadeJak //------------------------------// Quiet had passed between us for a moment. If all I’d learned so far was true, I wasn’t from Earth; and if the world I was from still existed, along with the Crystal Empire, then I had to go back… despite what I’d have to leave behind. “The dream I had, when I was in the mental institute, I had to come to terms with a lot. Not just that I’m the real Cadance, but that it means I have a kingdom to get back to whenever I can, and save it from Discord… however I can. He did this to hold me back,” I explained. “This heartbreak, though… that I’ve been going through; I don’t feel as powerful as she was.” “I wonder if that’s why you’re not,” Alice replied. “I know it sounds corny but maybe you need love in your heart again to be as strong as you were.” She said, turning my chin up. “And what stallion would be crazy enough to pass an opportunity with a beautiful mare like yourself?” She teased. “E-excuse me?” I asked, blushing. “I was married in a past life.” “Then you’re either gonna wow him again or some other lucky pony,” Alice replied. “No princess, especially the princess of love, should be alone her whole life.” “Thanks.” I said, deciding to at least try and push away my doubts for now. Alice had been a great friend for so many years, and it had meant a lot that she continued to be that for me. “…but please don’t call me that.” “Why not?” Alice joked. “You’ve gotten used to Cadance, if you go to Equestria you’re gonna have to get used to the formal title.” “Save it for the future.” I replied. “Well, if I'm calling you Cadance now, can I still do what I planned to do to you later?” she asked eagerly. “I don't want my cosplay crafting skills to go to waste and a princess needs to look lovely.” She said with a playful wink. I blushed hard. If I was going to accept that this was me now, or was the real me all along, I suppose I had to look the part eventually. “Sure... I guess I may as well go all the way.” “Missed me?” Celestia’s voice teased from behind us suddenly and causing me to jump a little. Figures she did have a mischievous side in the show. “H-hey, Aunt Celestia!” I stammered, recovering from having been startled. “You seem to be in a much better mood than when I left,” she replied with a smile. “Yeah... I told Alice what happened in the dream. We agreed I can't distance myself from... me in the past,” I explained. “…and that I may even learn to be happy this way. And...” I trailed off, blushing. “Try to find a coltfriend?” Celestia asked with a smirk, causing me to blush harder. “M-m-maybe...” I stammered. “That may be a serious challenge getting one to date me though.” “You might be surprised...” Celestia answered with a sigh. “What makes you say that?” I asked. “Luna possesses the ability to see the dream thread of sentient beings,” Celestia explained. “The number of those corresponding to ponies is... large.” “Uh, so? I'm sure there's a big number it's just the getting them to date me part,” I said, laughing nervously. I’d think royalty was a little intimidating as far as prospects went. Celestia shook her head, something else probably on her mind. “Oh sorry... What I meant was that sooner or later me and Luna will need to either find a way home or reveal ourselves to the world,” she said. “Plus... the me of the past was married...” I mused. “I'm hoping he's still alive. I need to see him again and know for sure…” “I understand,” Celestia replied. “But keep in mind that there is no way to know how he would react recovering his identity if he was send to Earth too.” He had to remember me… Cadance… he had to remember her… Shining Armor had been Cadance’s husband, the love of her life, the pony she’d fallen for when he was the biggest underdog in their school years and saved two kingdoms alongside with their love. Was something like that… something else Discord could just… retcon away as well on a whim? There was an odd stirring inside me; like a need to see Shining Armor and… the Cadance of the past together again. Celestia needed to see it, too. “I'll need to find out,” I said. “Alice, turn on the episodes... and you can see,” I added, looking over at Celestia after as Alice switched on the TV and her Playstation 4, pulling up Netflix to find the episodes and going to the season 2 finale, knowing what I’d been referring to. Celestia and I settled into the couch while Alice sat comfortably in her chair as the episode began, and things got more interesting then I’d expected from there, watching the episode now as Cadance, I saw things differently then I once did. Twilight… a little neurotic… okay, extremely neurotic at times… but my heart felt a warmth as I watched her, like I’d actually known her as though she were real. Instinctively I hugged one of the couch pillows as I watched and I couldn’t help but giggle a little when Twilight snorted in annoyance like an actual horse. “I wonder, is Twilight always that... crazy?” Celestia asked, watching. “Wait till you watch Lesson Zero if you get the chance.” I answered, recalling Twilight’s catastrophic nervous breakdown that ended with the town going into a crazed mob fight over a doll. “I have a feeling that the years teaching her must have been interesting” Celestia replied. As the episode continued, and Twilight sang about her brother, the moment Shining Armor came onscreen for the first time I felt… entranced. A mix of emotions passed through me; longing, grief, loneliness, anxiety… it felt as though my heart skipped a beat, and I began hugging the pillow tighter. “Somepony you know?” Celestia asked, snapping me out of it. I turned and saw her eyes widen in realization. “Wait, you mean that you married my student's big brother?” “...Maaaaybe...” I said shyly, rubbing the back of my head with my hoof while Alice smirked in amusement. “He's also... well.... yourcaptainoftheguardsorta...” I mumbled. Celestia apparently didn’t know what I’d just said but did not press the matter, and we continued watching the episode, till it got to where Shining Armor was introduced in person, and revealed how I… how Cadance was once Twilight’s foalsitter. “I see how it is,” Celestia said, amused as she traded a wink with Alice. “Foalsitting a filly to get the attention of her brother.” “According to the comic,” Alice replied. “Ironically enough at the same time Shining took her foalsitting flier first chance he got because HE was also secretly trying to get HER attention, too!” “A comedy of errors if there ever was one.” I muttered. “I wonder... Was Twilight already my student at that time?” Celestia asked. It was evident the human she was must not have gotten that far in the show, so I’d have to fill in some blanks. “She didn't have her cutie mark yet, so I doubt it,” I replied, recalling that Twilight’s actions that had gotten her cutie mark earned was what had first caused her to catch Celestia’s notice. “I really hope she doesn't remember that if I run into her.” I said sheepishly as Twilight and the Cadance on the screen did their little dance together. “But.... WOW was she adorable!” I mused, personally I always thought Twilight was the cutest of the six as a filly, like something you want to just cuddle like a puppy or something. Maybe it was me being Cadance that inspired that sort of empathy, or maybe it was just that I found fillies in that show extremely adorable. Watching the two play together, I began to empathize with the Cadance in the show, as if I’d really been there in her place, an odd feeling to say the least. “Pff, don't try. I'm sure that deep down you want her to remember it.” Celestia joked as Twilight on the screen bounced about excitedly and bumped into the present-day Cadance… or what looked like her. It didn’t take long for the present-day Cadance in the show to earn a look of disgust from Celestia, which shifted over to me next and I responded with a curious and concerned look. “That's a rather large difference in personality,” she said. “Yeah... imagine that.” I replied, knowing it’d give away a serious spoiler if I said anything else. As the episode continued, Celestia seemed to enjoy it greatly, and the sense of longing towards Shining Armor still remained inside me. If all this had happened for real, I could only imagine how the real ‘me’ was feeling then, trapped in a cave all alone and helpless while a monster was impersonating her. A chill went down my back as I thought about Chrysalis; thinking about her made me more uncomfortable now, somehow. “I thought you preferred Cadance.” Celestia remarked when the false-me demanded Applejack and the kitchen staff address her by her formal title Mi Amore Cadenza. “...I do. I don't think I was myself at the time.” I responded quickly. I guess in a way I wasn’t completely lying there. The Cadance in the episode’s attitude did not improve in the least, as Celestia continued to show concern and distress as the apparent princess snapped at her bridesmaids and demanded outrageous changes to her wedding gown. My ears drooped a little, recalling my ex-wife as not having been so demanding but certainly twice as volatile during the days before the big event. “That must have been that week of the month…” Celestia muttered. “Definitely that week... I'm afraid to think how Luna must be like...” “24-7 Royal Canterlot Voice?” I joked, causing Celestia’s ears to droop and a frown to cross her face. “Thanks for that image...” she said flatly. Some more time and more suspicious behavior from the Cadance on TV later, Celestia grew more and more wary of what was going on. “Ok... Maybe it's just those last years being human, but I find it suspicious to make to suddenly change the bridesmaids to be the bearers of the Elements of Harmony.” She remarked, and as it finally came to the wedding rehearsal, Celestia seemed to just completely zone out. “Something wrong?” I asked. Getting no response, I tapped her with my hoof, but again got nothing. Alice, meanwhile, took up the controller and paused the episode. The moment she did, Celestia seemed to snap out of her trance. “What's wrong?” I asked, tapping her again to get her attention. “Oh right... You remember when I told you about my memories?” she asked. “Yes?” “I don't know if it's because of my own power, or some external help, but there are some scenes that make me relive the memory,” she explained. “It was rather boring this time though…” she remarked, before catching herself in a slight panic. “That doesn't mean that I wasn't interested in your wedding. But you know... Fatigue and repetitions...” “I was married once, believe me, that part is pretty dull and repetitive.” I replied. “Well I think it's about to pick up. Should I hit play again?” Alice asked. “Yes. Don't worry if it happens again,” Celestia replied with a sigh. “Ever since I accepted the memories for mine I didn't have any blackout problem.” “As you wish.” Alice said, hitting play again, right at the point where Twilight interrupted the rehearsal. As much as I found myself caring for Twilight and as right as her suspicions had been; her hysterical behavior, overenthusiastic attempts to make accusations, and possessive demeanor she’d shown throughout the episode were easy for Chrysalis to use to her advantage and turn everyone against Twilight and make them think she’d wanted to sabotage the wedding from the start out of clinginess towards her brother. As the scene played out, I noticed Celestia had gone into a trance again. “I don't think we're gonna win here. I think the episode's connected to the memory, Alice. When the foalsitter flashback happened I felt kinda... empathetic with the Cadance in it. Something like that I guess is happening.” I said. “I... think you're right,” Alice replied, looking over at Celestia, then back at the TV as the rest of the scene played out, including the absolutely heartbreaking moment where Twilight broke into tears when Celestia scolded her reckless behavior. The moment Celestia on the screen left, the Celestia next to me stirred again and frowned. “Did I really…?” she asked, seemingly shocked with herself. “Did you really what?” I asked as Alice paused before the song reprise. “Leave Twilight completely alone after her outburst?” Celestia asked. “Well... she was acting kind of crazy and like she just wanted excuses,” Alice replied. “That sounds like a reason to make sure she wasn't alone...” Celestia said. “Not the most believable way to bring out a case.” Alice answered. “I understand why I did it thanks to my memories, but still...”the princess of the sun said softly, clearly expressing regret. “Yeah... it's understandable.” Celestia sighed, downcast. “I wanted to give her time to cool down before talking to her more properly about what she did...” “Let's see where that leads...” Alice replied, turning the episode back on. Twilight, heartbroken and devastated that her outburst had perhaps been out of paranoia, something she had done several times in the past, had cost her more then it ever had before, began lamenting through a much sadder reprise of the song she’d sang at the beginning. I watched closely as Cadance in the episode seemingly returned, seemingly to comfort Twilight and forgive her. A horrible chill ran down my spine at what followed. Celestia turned and gave me a stern glare. “Got an evil twin I need to know of?” she asked. “Alice, next episode, please? I feel like my life's in danger now.” I said urgently, and Alice immediately complied. Celestia’s frown became a small smirk. “Though that would explain why the character acted so differently than you,” she said as Alice loaded the episode and played it. “By the way, I didn't buy the stress excuse. Being able to properly handle a high level of stress is important for a Princess.” Celestia explained with a knowing wink. “I noticed...” I deadpanned. The episode played out, Twilight breaking through the crystal walls as ‘Cadance’ continued to taunt her, before revealing a second, more roughed-up Cadance hidden behind one of the walls. At that moment, I felt as though our eyes seemed to meet, and I began to empathize with her again. The sensation and feeling of being trapped down there and impersonated by an evil monster gave me the chills, and the sense of despair Cadance was feeling as she was unsure if she’d be able to escape in time to save Shining Armor was now shared by me. I couldn’t remember any of it outside of watching it in its cartoon adaptation, but everything played out in such a way I could feel myself in her position the entire time. Alice and Celestia were talking, but I paid them little notice, especially when the song came. I don’t know why, I mean I doubted past-me actually sang when it all happened for real, but I felt the urge to sing along when the real Cadance did, even tearing up along the way… We must escape before it’s too late Find a way to save the day, Hope, I’d be lying if I say… I don’t fear that I may lose him, To one who wants to use him, Not care for love and cherish him each day…. For I oh so love the groom, All my thoughts he does consume Oh, Shining Armor! I’ll be there very soon! Another deep chill ran down my back as the doppelganger laughed at the end. As it ended I heard Celestia clapping her hooves. “Told ya.” Alice said, though to what I did not know as she paused the episode again. “I still prefer Winter-Wrap Up, but I'll admit it was a great song. Especially the live perfomance.” Celestia said with a smile. “What?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. “Just as beautiful, Cadance.” Alice said with a smirk while I lowered my head and blushed heavily. “You have a beautiful singing voice.” Celestia remarked, causing me to blush even more if that was even possible. “Th-thanks... A-aunt Celestia.” I said. “I just wish I remembered it. Maybe I need to perform the whole song live at some point.” “I wonder if it's a pony thing.” Celestia mused. “Shall I turn it back on?” Alice asked. If Celestia was zoning out from scenes she was in, I knew she was in for a big one now, that was for certain. “Uhhh... just get ready for what I'd call a serious slap of a memory trip, Aunt Celestia,” I said. “Fun... I have a bad feeling about this...” Celestia remarked with a sigh as Alice switched it on. As expected, Celestia zoned in and out, we both, even with the situation, couldn’t help but laugh at the way the hypnotized bridesmaids were dealt with, but the worst was yet to come. I felt everything in my body freeze when the imposter that wore my face suddenly revealed her true shape, and shuddered deeply. FLASH! I was in the ballroom, green light emitting from the creature in front of me as her body seemed to stretch and grow beyond what its skin could hold, causing her disguise to split apart to peel off her like a molting insect and revealing ebony-black… skin? Fur? Exoskeleton? A long and jagged horn tore through and replaced the original, her mane and tail hair fell away in scraps and revealed tattered fins, A crest of antennae resembling a crown emerged from the back of her head and chitin wings burst from the feathered ones she once had. Finally, the tall, vaguely equine creature’s large, reptilian eyes snapped open and her mouth spread into a wide, fanged sneer. It was nothing like the show where things were restricted to their ‘cute’ design. She was no xenomorph, but she certainly looked more giger-esque in person then the show had suggested. Before I could react, reality came back to me in a blur while Celestia remained fixed on the TV as it continued to play the episode, up to where Celestia was defeated by the changeling queen, though I was too shaken to pay attention at the moment. “That bug must really have a dying wish.” Celestia said at last, snapping me out of my delirium. “You have NO idea...” I said sternly, calming myself down as best I could. “It'd be awful if Discord sent her here, too...” my eyes narrowed. “…Awful for HER that is...” I muttered, not completely paying attention to what Celestia said as she mentioned something about accidentally melting her cellphone. It suddenly occurred to me what I’d said. “Did I... what did I just say?” I muttered, unable to believe I was suddenly making death threats against a character I’d thought fictional several days ago. At least the fear I’d felt when I’d experienced a glimpse of a more lifelike Chrysalis seemed to be fading fast, but I was sure it’d bother me again later. “Considering that it was your wedding that she used to try to take over?” Celestia asked with a shrug. “I'm not too suprised. Mares always have been dangerous.” “Tries to steal my husband, tries to conquer Canterlot and make it her brood's buffet? Given the chance I'd make her look the same way every bug looks after they hit my windshield,” I said. “Definately scary.” Celestia replied. “What, think just because I specialize with love I'm helpless? Ever read about Aphrodite? Not someone you want to get on the bad side of.” I explained. “And as they say "love's a bitch" or "love hurts,” Alice teased. When the fight against the changeling army went south quickly for the six heroines when they were ambushed in the chamber where the Elements were kept, I saw Celestia perform a facehoof. “Well, too bad Luna didn't seem to be there. I would have felt bad for the queen bug,” she said. “And rob me of my shot at her?” I asked, and it soon occurred to me that Luna had not been present for the entire thing. “Is Luna by any chance a VERY heavy sleeper?” “I think it's a family thing.” Celestia replied. “I have to admit, it's really something when you can sleep through an invasion.” I remarked, prompting a sigh from her. “That and sound proofing your bedroom...” the other alicorn said. “Thankfully, they didn't try to wake her. I don't know which would have been the greatest threat; the changelings or a grumpy Luna.” “Well... the guards sure went down fast.” I mused as Celestia muttered something about six regular mares doing what Canterlot’s elite guards could not. “Given Equestria's typically peaceful place... I guess they must not see much action.” I suggested. Granted Ponyville’s response to everything out of the ordinary was to hide and barricade their homes, it couldn’t be that surprising that the guards might not have been what they were cracked up to be. “Something tells me that Luna must have forced some changes in their training.” Celestia said as Alice paused the episode and listened to the conversation. “Who knows... guess they assumed the barrier was all they needed.” I said, though it clearly didn’t stop Chrysalis from sneaking in, unless she’d done so earlier and then had the threat made to insure Shining would wear himself down quicker. “I mean that I actually remembered that I had told her that the guards training was fine and that Equestria didn't have enemies.” Celestia said, looking a little embarrassed. “That would explain a lot...” Alice remarked. “They always seemed more suited for delivering messages urgently then actually fighting.” “Thankfully, I still don't remember the 'I told you so' coming from Luna afterward.” Celestia said with a sigh while Alice resumed the episode and Chrysalis performed her reprise song, prompting me to narrow my eyes in disgust. “I’m looking forward to what comes next a lot more then before for some reason…” I said. “At least you aren't feeling all sticky...” Celestia said with a slight frown. I smiled as Twilight freed the Cadance in the show, and she awoke Shining Armor. Seconds later, their spell was cast, the barrier and their love reaching its full power and potential that I found myself longing for again. Chrysalis and her brood were blown away by the burst of magic. “TEAM ROCKET'S BLASTING OFF AGAIIIIIIIIIIIN!” Alice declared, making a ‘ding!’ sound after; given the moment’s profound similarity to the standard once-per-episode outcome for Pokemon’s laughably inept villains. “Meowth, that's right.” Celestia added. “And now the real one can proceed...” I said, smiling but feeling a sense of sadness as my present state and the series finale told me all I needed to know about the eventual outcome, as well as my last marriage. “Well, at least that one is a success.” Celestia said, trying to cheer me up though I doubt she knew the cause for my sudden sense of grief. “And the bride is much more enjoyable.” “Heh, yeah.” I said, still feeling weighed down by my knowledge of what was to come. “She's not a giant bug monster.” “It's too bad that the men in black weren't there, right? Giant bug monsters are their specialty after all” Celestia offered. A small smile crept on my face imagining Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones blasting Chrysalis into a puddle of green slime with plasma rifles. “I suppose, but I like to think I did a good job too.” I said. “It's weird... the more I watch this, the more it feels like it's me.” “That's because it was you.” Celestia answered as Alice came over and held me again. Even though I had a goal now and was out of the mental institute, and the aspect of Discord was no longer around to torment me, there was still so much emotional baggage that I was feeling. Knowing I may never see Alice again, or my other friends, or my parents… wait till they found this out… because I belonged in another world and had responsibility there made this role I’d been thrust into feel all the heavier. Celestia may well have had it even worse then I did, as she’d have a whole nation to rule over and rebuild; a nation she already felt responsible for bringing to ruin and chaos by trusting Discord. I watched the rest of the wedding plans play out, the ceremony completed, and the dance at the end, hoping somehow, someday, I could have that sort of happiness again. Cadance then was such a kind, loving, and compassionate pony who deserved what she had then; a wonderful aunt who prepared her for her future, a loving husband and sister-in-law and soon a kingdom of her own that she would help save as well. Me… I was jaded, cynical at times, still suffering brief moments of instability, my emotions going up and down like an unending roller coaster, and… scared for my future. I was the end result of everything Discord did to take all she had from her. I had escaped madness, but not the broken feeling that still felt buried inside my heart. Trying to push those feelings aside I looked over at Celestia as the episode came to its end. “So Twilght is a good singer. That's a good thing to remember,” she said as she climbed off the couch and let out a yawn. “My, it seems that the day took more out of me than I thought.” “I imagine...” I replied softly. “Me too, after what I've experienced.” “I admit, time does fly by when one's having fun.” Alice replied. It had been rather late in the afternoon when we got to her apartment. “I may as well get a shower and get ready for bed.” “I'll use the couch. You should have plenty of room on the guest bed with Pinkie Peach, Aunt Celestia.” I said, flushing a little when I realized I’d been referring to her by ‘aunt’ again, it just seemed so natural now I’d not really caught it all that much lately. Luckily she didn’t seem to notice or mind. “It's too bad. I'm sure Peachy wouldn't have minded the extra company,” she said with a wink. “Guess I am part of the pony posse now aren't I? I asked, rubbing the back of my head nervously. I guess the proper term was ‘herd’ but the lack of alliteration made the other word come to me first. “Yes, you are. Thought I can understand if you prefer to keep your intimacy.” Celestia said in an assuring tone, before looking over at Alice briefly then back at me. “Actually, I wanted to talk to you privately,” she told me. “That's all fine.” Alice replied with a smile before heading to her bathroom. “I'll be back in a couple,” she said, heading down the hall and I heard the sound of her door closing. Knowing Alice she’d be in there at least a half an hour due to that she liked to make her showers last, which bought Celestia time to talk with me. Unsure of what to expect, I looked up at her, wondering what she’d have to say, now that she’d gotten a glimpse of my history in Equestria.