//------------------------------// // Tender Sugar // Story: D=S-M // by MegatronsPen //------------------------------// Chapter 1: [url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2T5q8UuRj8Tender Sugar “It has almost been two weeks since I returned home to Ponyville and already, I just want to be left alone. Even though I longed for this seclusion from the light of day and the ponies that bask in its sun, even here in the comfortably dark confines of my home I get no such luxury, whether it be from Spike fussing over me in his every waking moment or my friends coming to visit me on several occasions throughout the day; checking up on me as if I am incapable of taking care of myself. I have come to notice their poorly hidden fear for my wellbeing, even though I have assured them that I am recovering just fine; just like the doctors said I would. And despite all of my best efforts to hide my true feelings, it just seems it is simply not enough to satisfy them. They continually persist in their fussing and I don’t know what to do or say to stop them other than to tell them exactly what it was I was thinking; which is completely out of the question. So I lied. I hope you understand, Princess, but I had to pretend everything was fine, because I just wanted to leave them with a peace of mind that I was in good health; even going as far as forcing myself to attend the odd party thrown by Pinkie Pie. All just to show my face with its fake smile, spluttering idle pleasantries while engaging in pointless conversations which only served to drain what little of my patience I had left… I even attended a health spa date with Rarity and Fluttershy to further put to rest their concerns; to reassure them and especially Fluttershy most of all, that everything was back to how it should be and that nothing had changed. I have never once taken my friends for granted and never once have I found them a nuisance, but now? I know they are concerned and I know they are looking out for my best interests… It is just... I wish they would just stop and allow me to wallow in my self pity. They just need to leave me alone so I can come to terms that I have lost the love of my— I don’t understand where this resentment is coming from. I don’t understand why I feel this way towards ponies I call my closest friends. I love them to no end and yet I find myself bitter whenever I see them. Where is this desire to ostracize them originating from; is this how I truly feel about them? Is this how I truly feel about our friendship? Are they just an annoyance to me now? I lied to them without even thinking of the repercussions. I pretended nothing was wrong even though everything IS wrong with the world that I now live in. It no longer has you... It no longer has your sweet voice or your graceful beauty or even that dazzling smile to which anchored me to your side and spurred me to strive for a happiness that was stripped mercilessly away from me. I have become nothing more than a deceiver far worse than any changeling… at least those creatures are honest about their intentions in the end; while I... I just lie to hide myself away - I lie even to those that seek to protect and comfort me with good intentions... But what disturbs me more so, is that yet somehow even though these emotions of loss and despair smoulder inside of me like the raging fire that took you from me, I am clearly and blatantly wrapped up into a facade of bold faced lies and empty promises where even Applejack to this day still does not realize that I am lying to her about my feelings. Have I become that good at deceiving my friends in a short amount of time that even the Element of Honesty cannot even detect it? I know friends are not meant to lie to each other but what else can I do? I can’t let them know the true state of which my mind is fractured and drowning in its own hopelessness. I can’t let them see me like that... I don’t think they would want to see me like that… It would break their hearts and I just can’t allow that to happen. I believe they look up to me as if some kind of stalwart linchpin holding our close circle of friends together; after all, if I had never had come to Ponyville, we would not be where we are today… We would simply be strangers or just mere acquaintances on the off chance. And then, I would be lonely… Look at me, I’m contradicting myself now; At first I say I loathe their fussing and now all of a sudden I want their company so that I don’t feel lonely? How pathetic. But that is exactly what I am, isn’t it? I’m pathetic. They believe I can handle and solve almost anything - being the Element of Magic - the Princess’s former prodigal student; the resident “egg-head” (as I am sure Rainbow Dash would so eloquently put it), and to top it off a Princess of Equestria, and yet… I can’t. I can’t handle it. I’m not you. I am not that perfect. But I have to lie. I have to keep up that facade... I can’t let them see the despair I hide every waking moment behind a false smile... I don't want them unhappy on my account, for I am more than capable for feeling quite sorry for myself as it is. I just… I just want them to smile, you know? I don’t want them to look at me with sad eyes and speak in concerned tones that dance around the issue of what happened that day. Perhaps it is because of my physical injuries that they fuss over me so much? I have been assured that once healed the only issue left to worry about would be the superficial scars that will forever remain a permanent fixture to my nigh on immortal life, to which I am content about, for the hair on my flank and face will take some time to regrow and it will eventually cover up the majority of the blemishes upon my skin. But not everything will heal and be as less as obvious. My flame-corrupted Cutie Mark will forever be a permanent imperfection to my everyday appearance; the image warped by the burns so that it now bears little to no resemblance to the original you would remember. It appears almost… chaotic… a warped star that has cindered into nothing... as if Discord had a hoof or claw in its creation. Kind of like how this letter is turning out. And my eye? It is damaged beyond repair. It has been cataracted into blindness; scar tissue has formed over the lens so that it can never be repaired, even with Luna’s best attempts to heal it. Luna really tried her best to heal me as much as she could and that is all I can really ask from her. I’m indebted to her for saving my life as it is... You would be so proud of her, Princess… But my face? I have yet to see the extent of the damage. Nor have I seen my blinded eye… It is because of these horrific injuries I have yet seen the reason my friends treat me as if I am made of glass or some helpless cripple? It doesn’t matter how I look, as long as I am alive, right? Surely it cannot possibly be as bad as they are making it out to be? I just want to be left alone! I want to silently work out what it is that is burning inside of me whenever they look at me with such pitiful eyes. Why won't they STOP doing—? I’m being… ridiculous… no… not ridiculous. I’m being selfish and arrogant in my assumptions that I can deal with this all by myself. I know friends are meant to confide in each other in regards to their problems—it was one of the first lessons I learnt in regards to the Magic of Friendship, for friends are meant to be there for each other; meant to be leant upon when the need arises; to be there to cry with or to lend a helping hoof no matter what time of day or night. But I… I can’t help but feel rage building inside of me even if I know that... a rage that I so want to release; to talk about and yet I can’t bring myself to confide in them about it or ask for their help in the matter because— They can not know what it is I want and what it is I would do to get it… To satisfy that constant itch borrowing into my brain that is begging me to sit up, smell the bitter-sweet roses for what they are and to take action upon which I fantasize each and every night as I lay awake in my bed seething with anger and tears! Even now I struggle to believe I wrote this whole mess myself. I keep re-reading it and… I’m shocked. Oh, Celestia… please help me... This is not from the mind of the rational student you raised but from a maddened mare who cannot just say one simple thing to which she desires above all else in this world for good or ill because she is simply afraid of the fallout... I find my bleeding heart unable to express itself truthfully even to you in this literary form. I have only eluded to the dark thoughts that fester within me, even though I wish to write with a truthful purpose and to spill my emotions on this piece of paper for you to understand that I… That is to say that I want re— ...I need your guidance. I need your embrace. I want you to hold me like you did when I was young—I need you to tell me what it is I should do and tell me everything is alright, that it’s going to be okay! I need your council more than ever because I believe I’m trotting down a path I don’t think I ever want to turn back from—it is too alluring to ignore, too… justifiable and full of promise of total satisfaction to calm my boiling blood and settle my twisting mind... Please, write me back. You will write back, won’t you? You have to… You can’t be dead... I just don’t know what it is I should do... …Tomorrow is the trial and I will return to Canterlot within the morning. I will preside over it as not only a Princess alongside Luna but as a judge, jury and as a key witness. But a small part of me longs for an added role to that list. I have to get this off my chest; I have to tell you something I have only dreamt about since that day…. something that just isn’t… me. It something that has eaten away at every thought—again why can’t I just say it?! I'm just dancing around the issue with dressed-up words and constant repetition! I have never in my life had such an issue not writing what it is I truly feel to you and yet even now I am lying to the very paper I write upon as I pretend that you are alive and will receive my innermost secrets to read, hoping you will scrutinize and scold me for even thinking of them!!! Am I going crazy? Have I finally lost it? Should I take justice? Should I take revenge? That word—revenge, it rolls off my tongue so bitterly and with such struggle I feel as if I know it is wrong and yet, something inside of me squirms in excitement at the mere thought of it regardless of how disgusted I am with myself. Would I enjoy it? Would you hate me for it? Would you hate me if I said I want to be the executioner, as well? I’m so ashamed to call myself a student of Magic for even entertaining the idea. I'm ashamed to call myself your former student and to call myself a Princess; I am not worthy of such a title nor was I worthy of your pride, for inside I am no better than Sombra or even Chrysalis… I admired you for being such a benevolent ruler and now I know I can never measure up to you with these dark thoughts festing inside of me… Even if I want nothing more than to be exactly like you! You were so kind, so loving, so merciful… you even gave Discord a chance despite knowing he caused so much suffering in the past. Whereas I now cannot even forgive one gryphon for doing one inexcusable thing. You were so proud of me when I became an alicorn and... and now I just want to abuse the position of power you granted me to attain something as vile as vengeance. If only you saw me now... If only you could see how far I have fallen... and if you can? If somehow in the afterlife there is some kind of existence where you are watching over me in this instant, then I would know with absolute certainty you would hate me, you would be disappointed in me… I can already imagine your face looking down upon me with sadness and regret of ever choosing me to ascend to your side, as you fear for Equestria as I inch closer to the darkness like Luna did, when she submitted to her jealousy of you and transformed into Nightmare Moon... But I… NO. I won't go that way—I won't become like that—I can’t allow myself to fail you! It would be a dishonor to your memory and hard work in raising me into what I am today! I can’t let you be disappointed in me… I can’t let my friends be disappointed in me! I just can’t! I'm so sorry, Princess. Can you ever, forgive me? Can you forgive this monster growing inside of me? Can you forgive me for falling in love with you? … I got to stop this. I can’t resolve my thoughts and I am running out of paper. I suppose, in a way, there is a lesson to be learnt here… I just only wish you were here to tell me exactly what it was. Forever your loving student, Twilight Sparkle.” The lavender mare stood up from her desk trembling as she shambled away from the unsent letter, moving towards her bed as she stifled a yawn, where each and every awkward hoofstep caused a shearing pain to pulse up the muscles of her hind legs that were wrapped with an array of old blood stained bandages right up to her flank. Concealing her heartache behind a chewed, trembling bottom lip, Twilight happened a glance with one lifeless eye of amethyst towards the bedside vanity and the mirror that displayed her near-mummified face staring back at her. Look at me… I’m a wreck. Abandoning thoughts of sleep, Twilight turned to the mirror and approached to stand before it, her horn shining numbly with a lavender hue of magic as the mare started to unwind the gauze that encompassed a large portion of the right side of her head and her injured right eye. Twilight Sparkle had yet to witness the damage to her face for herself, for it was only the doctors that attended to her while in hospital, her friends and Spike here in the library that knew of the true grotesqueness she surmised that was behind the dressing, judging by their previous reactions when they were required to change it. Curiosity got the better of her. She had to know. She needed to know how horrendous her face had become. Bit by bit with each reveal of repairing flesh, she observed the various scabbed contusions marred on the lavender fur with a morbid sense of curiosity, noting that she did not care much if they would leave scars and ruin her; in her opinion, above average appearance. If anything, she heard facial scars gave ponies a certain mysterious and dangerous characteristic that can be far more attractive to the opposite sex than an unblemished face… But then again, she did hear such nonsense from Rarity and the chances was in favor of the fashionista merely speaking about her own personal preferences in regards to stallions, who more than likely applied the same logic to Twilight’s situation in a vain attempt of making her feel better. Thanks, Rarity, but… I don’t think I really buy into that… As the bandage turned on its final revolution, the dried blood on this lowest layer had caused the gauze to stick and matt to her regenerating hide, causing Twilight to wince and hiss in pain as she painfully peeled the final strip of sticky gauze away from her face, pulling away a few bits of crust and reopening blotches of healing flesh that caused fresh hæmorrahaging and trickles of blood to dribble down her face. Twilight closed her eyes as she felt her face tingle and burn as the cool, open air assaulted her uncovered and semi-reopened wounds while she unceremoniously tossed the clump of dirty bandages aside onto the floor, standing before the vanity with her eyelids clenched shut; as if too afraid to open them and witness the damage in its entirety… Reluctantly after a second or two to gather her bearings, the mare opened her one good eye to observe her face and gasped at what she saw. Simply regarding the stranger in the mirror with disbelief written upon her face, Twilight lifted a hoof to stroke tenderly at the doppelganger’s visage upon the reflective surface, mortified by the severity of her condition, finally realizing why her friends and family treated her with such tenderness and trepidation whenever they looked upon her. They saw a mare with half of her face covered in a mesh of dried blood and plasma, missing tiny blotches of fur right up to her horn. Twilight’s ears flattened against her lowering head as the wretchedness of the words she wrote in the letter blew back right into her face with a guilt ridden whimper. This is why… this is what they saw… I didn’t mean to... Forcing herself to look at her own reflection, her attention turned to the remaining closed eyelid. With trepidation grasping around her throat, she slowly opened her injured right eye and felt her mouth slowly drop open at the sight of a white, bloodshot eyeball gazing back at her. “M-my... my eye,” her voice squeaked as tears fell from her only working eye, having lost the ability for the other due to damaged tear ducts, “my eye!” A sudden rush of emotion erupted from Twilight's mouth as she screamed; enraged and despondent, her wings responded in kind to her distress as they angrily flared erect and wide; her ears flattening straight back and her tail swishing violently from side to side. “I’m… hideous!” With her magic reigniting with a brightened and oddly dark purple ferocity about her horn as an aura encompassed the mirror and she hurled it across the room with a flick of her head, her eyes wide open to smoulder a glare at the offending object as it hurtled through the air to crash into the wall besides a window, barking a beastial guttural snarl as the shards of glass shattered with a more than satisfying crash all over her bed chamber’s lush, lavender carpeted floor. “Was it not enough that they stole my heart?!” With her anger hardly subsiding; entrapping her once rational mind into a whirlpool of mindless rage, she swung her head towards her bed and aimed her vexation towards it, consuming that too in the only ever darkening purple aura to upturn it with ease before turning her attention fully onto the now mirrorless cabinet. Raising her forehooves up into the air, she slammed them violently down onto the surface repeatedly as her guttural scream faded away into heavy, shaken pants, the wood of the cabinet creaking under the ferocity of the impacts that slowed with frequency and intensity over time until she leant came to lean heavily against it. Was it not enough for you that you had to take half of my face with her?! Twilight’s sudden temper was short lived as she embraced the abrupt silence that consumed her bed chamber while she attempted to steady her breathing between spittle smeared clenched teeth. “W-was it… n-not e-enough… that I-I lost… my myself, too?” The buildup of pressure swelling behind her only working eye proceeded to flow down her cheek with a splutter of a whimper, Twilight succumbing to the immense grief that shook her very soul. “It’s n-not f-fair… i-it’s j-just not...” Twilight Sparkle collapsed against the bedside cabinet, pressing her muzzle into her hooves to stifle her wailing as she wept Celestia’s name into the cold, unforgiving dead of the night.