What do you do when three little fillies suddenly materialize in the middle of your living room?
What do you do when three little fillies suddenly materialize in the middle of your living room and yell: "Cutiemark Crusaders Dimensional Jumpers, yaay!"
I'll give you a hint: it's NOT what I did.
If anything similar ever happens to you, I advise you NOT to do the same things I did, you'll see why soon enough.
1. Dimensional Jumpers, oh my!
I flung my backpack on the table.
"Jas aan de kapstok!", mom yelled.
Oh, of course, almost forgot most of you don't speak Dutch.
Let me translate that for you.
"Hang your jacket in the coat rack!", mom yelled.
"Yes mom!", I replied.
This had been one of those days, you know,
one of those days you think you should've never left your bed in the first place.
I hung my jacket in the coat rack.
I took another glance at my backpack.
The zipper was ripped completely and some of the books inside were torn.
Yep. One of those days.
"Jeffrey, what did you do?!", mom screamed.
She grabbed the torn rucksack and muffled inside.
"Do you know how much your dad has to work to pay for this Jeremy, a LOT!"
I sighed.
I had to go through at least the same amount of time with a black eye.
Nobody cares about that, do they.
No, it's money, money, money.
"Go to your room!", mom said.
I didn't plan on doing anything else anyways, so I did as she asked.
I had learned long ago that my mother is nobody you can reason with.
Say A, she says B, say B, she says A.
I knew I wasn't in the wrong.
What can a guy do about the fact humans are aggressive creatures?
They attacked me, took my money, my phone.
Ah, well. Humans. What can you do about it, right?
I'm lucky you can't easily get a gun, here in Belgium.
I knew a ton of people who would be willing to shoot me for a peppermint.
You could say it's because they live in a crappy neighbourhood. You could say it's due to their bad grades, but seriously now: I would just GIVE them the peppermint, no need to shoot me.
I was lucky to be alive.
The alleys of Antwerp are easy to misjudge.
I watched the news on my computer.
A guy stabbed for his smartphone. He didn't get as lucky as I did, I guess.
My mom usually unplugged our Wi-Fi whenever I was banished to my room, which was almost every day.
The boy next door noticed, and shared his Wi-Fi with me.
That's how I met the show.
A show about talking, colourful ponies.
At first, I thought it was ridiculous.
When Peter (the boy next door) first told me he watched a show meant for little girls, I laughed him away.
"Yeah, good joke man!"
He would just stand there and frown at me.
That evening, he sent me a link via email.
An episode of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.
At first, I was laughing too hard to actually take a look into it. Then curiosity took over.
What was it that this guy likes about this show?
So I watched an episode.
Another episode.
Another episode.
I'm still not sure why I like the show that much, neither am I sure why he did too.
I just liked the show.
Maybe it's a nice escape from the real world.
A nice display of a utopia.
Apart from the occasional magical super threat ravaging the land, of course.
As I said, I had gone upstairs and I had watched the news.
I was thrilled to watch a new episode of my favourite show.
I had reached the end of season three, and I couldn't wait to start season four.
The greater my disappointment when my laptop turned itself off.
I checked under my desk.
My adapter was gone.
No adapter, no power, no laptop.
"Thanks a lot, mom!", I yelled and I stomped the floor with my foot.
I heard her yell an insult back.
An insult that should never come to the ears of children.
I moaned and sat down on my bed.
"Jeffrey, I'm gonna go shopping with your aunt, don't leave your room, okay?", she suddenly growled at my room.
"No mom."
I heard the front door open and close.
This was my chance.
I paced towards the door and grabbed the handle.
I pushed.
I pushed again.
"Damn it, mom!"
She had locked it shut.
I kicked the door.
I heard something crack.
Sadly, it wasn't the door.
"Buck it!", I censored my own swears.
I limped towards the window.
It had been a long time since that window had been open.
Too bad.
My room was filled with bad oders which I'd rather not describe.
I put my fingers around the lever.
I gently nudged it downwards.
No movement.
I pulled it with all of my strength.
No movement.
I flung my entire weight into the battle.
Crack!
This time, the window was the object to make that sound.
Unfortunately, my face made it too.
Yep, one of these days.
I looked outside the window.
The window sill wasn't very broad.
I'd have a mighty struggle not to tumble down and break my neck.
Oh, well. I had already been living on the edge for a long time.
Above that, nobody, not even my mom, may deny me my rainbow coloured ponies!
I stepped onto the thin block of stone.
The window dangerously flapping back and forth.
I grabbed the curtain before I could fall down.
"Jeffrey, you're an idiot", I thought to myself.
I figured I could swing to my parents' room using the curtain, like Tarzan.
The top of the cloth made a terrifying ripping sound. Not according to my plan.
Idiot.
I tried to reach the window sill of their room with my hand.
Almost there.
Scraatch.
"Aah", I screamed.
I fell.
I closed my eyes and tried desperately to grab onto something.
A sigh of relief escaped my lips as I discovered I wasn't dead.
I felt a ridge under my fingers.
I opened my eyes again.
Oh, buck.
Two metres beneath me, the sidewalk was winking at me.
"Come here, Jeffrey, I'll break your legs, your neck and maybe your spine!", I imagined it'd say.
I tried desperately to pull myself up.
I failed.
"Jeffrey, is that you?"
"Peter, thank God, help me!"
Relief streamed through my body.
Everything was going to be okay.
"Eh, how?", Peter asked.
Bye bye, hope, nice to have known you.
I considered asking him to catch me when I dropped. I dismissed the idea.
I was almost double his size, being three years older than him.
I'd probably crush him.
"I can bring a mattress if you want me to", Peter said.
"Okay, hurry up! I can't keep this up much longer!", I screamed.
I felt my fingers slipping.
My whole life flashed before my eyes.
It was a loud of shit.
"Peter, I don't think I'll make it!", I cried.
I'd drop before he'd even found a mattress.
He came back.
"What do you mean?"
"I can't hold it anymore..."
I fell.
I waited for the crushing sound, pain and eventual death.
It didn't come.
"Jee, it's only two metres, drama boy", Peter laughed.
I scanned my whole body.
No broken limbs, no new bruises.
It slowly seeped into my mind that I was sitting on top of a mattress.
"How did you get it here so quickly?", I asked.
"Quickly? It took me five minutes!"
Slowly, I realised five minutes isn't a lot of time to see fifteen years flash by.
"So, eh, what were you trying to do anyway?", Peter asked.
"Mom had locked me up in my room with my laptop but no adapter. I really, really want to watch the next episode of MLP."
"Oh, you're starting season four, right?"
"Yeah."
"Do you still have those dinosaur cookies at home?"
"Yeah."
"How long before your mom gets back?"
"She'll probably be sleeping on the street in her vomit tonight, so my time schedule is quite flexible."
You probably haven't noticed this due to translation, but Peter and I speak English when it's just us.
It's one of our quirks, perhaps, but it works.
"I'll go get my laptop and we can sit in your living room and eat crackers", Peter said.
"Sure", I smiled.
I took my key from my pocket. Then it hit me.
"Darn it, I had the house's skeleton key, I could've just opened the door!"
Whilst the video was buffering, Peter went to the bathroom.
There I sat. Alone.
Looking at the little grey spiral on the screen.
I sighed.
Woosh!
"Cutiemark Crusaders Dimensional Jumpers, yaay!"
I quickly pressed the pause button.
"Woow, guys, we did it!", the voice of Scootaloo, one of my favourite characters in the show.
I pressed the pause button again.
"Hey, what's that?", Sweetie Belle said.
I pressed the pause button again.
"Peter, I think your keyboard is broken!", I shouted.
"Who's Peter?", Apple Bloom said.
Wait a sec.
I slowly turned around.
There, I met them.
Three faces. Faces I had never expected to see in real life.
"Awww, he's so cute, with his teeny tiny eyes!", Sweetie Belle said.
Did I just get called cute by a my little pony?
"I don't know girls, he could be dangerous", Apple Bloom said.
Her accent was spot on.
They had exactly the same voices as the voice artists from the show.
"Dangerous? Pfff, let's see how dangerous he is after I'm done with him", Scootaloo laughed, thrusting her fist, eh, front hooves in the air.
All I could bring out was:
"Cabuhaacabuh?"
Yeah, good way to make an intelligent impression on dimension jumping aliens.
"Ah don't have ma cutiemark!", Apple Bloom said.
I could hear the disappointment in her voice.
"Maybe, to be real dimensional jumpers, we have to go back!", Sweetie Belle replied.
"Eeh, guys?"
Scootaloo suddenly seemed a bit less certain of herself.
"How do we go back?"
The room was suddenly drenched in an awkward silence.
I tried to gather my wit.
"Eh, do you want some cookies?"
The three turned their (way too big) heads my direction.
Before I could even try to imagine how the anatomy could actually work, Sweetie jumped me.
"Aah", I screamed.
My back was pressed to the floor and the filly in question was standing on my chest.
It made it very hard to breath, man, ponies are heavy!
Even the ones only half your size.
"Now you listen, mister cute guy, you give us back our space crystal.
"Your space whadawha?"
I was very close to a mental breakdown.
Maybe I was IN a mental breakdown.
Ponies in my living room? Get real!
"Uh, Sweetie Belle, maybe this ga doesn't have awr space crystal?", Apple Bloom said.
I was thankful she was being reasonable.
"Where else would it go, Apple Bloom? Besides, you can see it on his face, he looks guilty as heck!", Scootaloo protested.
Apparently they thought my please-don't-kill-me expression was my I-am-evil-and-I-stole-your-space-crystal expression, because Apple Bloom and Scootaloo now jumped me as well.
The weight of three fillies standing on your chest is very, very unpleasant.
I closed my eyes and waited for the inevitable hoof battering.
Instead, the three hopped of again and stepped back.
"Why is he all blue?", Sweetie Belle asked.
Because you choked me, thank you.
I tried to talk, but I didn't have the breath to.
"Maybe he'll explode! Run!", Scootaloo screamed.
The three of them ran into the kitchen.
Each of them crawled into another closet.
I tried to catch my breath again.
Peter came into the living room.
Of course, he hadn't seen or heard anything.
"Follow me", I whispered, half aware the episode had stopped buffering and started playing.
"Why?", he asked.
"Shht"
We sneaked to the first closet.
I had seen Scootaloo had picked this as a hiding spot.
"I really don't..."
"Shhh"
He frowned.
I carefully grabbed the door handle.
What followed was the sound of Scootaloo, "Hiyaaa", and me regretting my actions for yet another time that day.
I can assure you, taking a hoof to the nose is NOT a pleasant feeling.