Just Pass Out Already
It was a dark and stormy night. Flies slept.
* * *
“And then they kissed!”
Flies blinked, and a puzzled frown worked its way onto her face. “Wait, that’s it?”
“Yep!” The other filly said, and began playing with her doll again.
“That’s the stupidest ending ever.”
The other filly sighed and set her doll down again. “Okay, fine. What do you want? How about ‘They kissed, then they got married, then they lived happily ever after.’ That better?”
“Did they die horrible deaths? Did they divorce each other later? I mean, there are all kinds of things that could go wrong from that point forward.” Flies was struggling to understand how a story could end in such a lame manner.
“What? No, of course not! What’s wrong with you, anyway? Why can’t you just let a happy story end happily?”
Flies scowled and stared at the doll the other filly had given her to play with. She never understood what was so special about playing with dolls. She’d rather be outside jumping in quicksand, because at least then she’d die with plenty of Vitamin D in her system rather than dying of morbid obesity from staying inside all the time. “Well, I was kinda waiting for the story to get interesting, and then it just ended,” She admitted.
The other filly, who had been looking at her doll closely, let her hooves flop into her lap and gave Flies a puzzled frown. “You want to know why other ponies don’t like playing with you?”
“Because they’re lame?” Flies guessed.
“Because you’re weird. I mean, you say the strangest things. Why didn’t you like the story? Every filly likes a good love story.”
Flies blinked. “I didn’t like it. I don’t like love stories.”
“Why not? Doesn’t your heart go pitter-patter with the thought of some amazing stallion who will whisk you away to an amazing castle of your own? Who will love and care for you forever and ever?”
Flies wrinkled her nose at the prospect. “Isn’t that kind of an idealistic view of the world? I mean, sure it’d be nice and all that, but with this economy, the chances of you as newlyweds owning your own castle would be fairly low. And if you’re just marrying a stallion because he has a ton of money, he’d probably end up being a complete and utter jerk, and you’d end up divorcing him later anyway.”
The other filly balked at her. “What? How can you even say that? That’s an utterly pessimistic view of the world.”
“No, it’s not really all that pessimistic,” Flies argued, “It’s honest. Why dream about some grand stallion? If you can’t take care of yourself anyway, what are you gonna do if he’s drafted into some war and dies horribly? I mean, a backup plan is always nice. For all you know, he could lose his job and you have to end up taking care of him.”
“So what?” The other filly asked. “Are you one of those ‘fillynist’ ponies who thinks that mares are mistreated, and they need to get jobs in order to prove their worth or something like that?”
Flies snorted out through her nose. “No indeed. All I’m saying is that if all you can think about is colts, and your plans fall apart if some colt doesn’t live up to your overly optimistic view of him, and you’re too enamored to think for yourself without him in your life, then you have a pretty sad existence.”
The other pony shook her head slowly. “I’m pretty sure that’s a fillynist mindset.”
Flies scowled and glared at the floor. “No, it’s not. The way I see it, it’s realistic.”
“So basically, you didn’t like the story.”
“No, not really.”
The filly threw her hooves up into the air and huffed. “Everypony else loves the story, but killjoy Flies here doesn’t. Fillies are supposed to like these sorts of things. You know, flirt with the cute colts and stuff, get a coltfriend by the time you’re in high school, that sort of thing.” Flies looked unimpressed, so the other filly continued. “You know, how colts like fart jokes, movies with explosions, that sort of thing. Fillies just like stories like that.”
“What if there’s a colt who isn’t like that, though?” Flies asked. “What if he hates fart jokes and spends time doing things that would otherwise be considered girly?”
The other filly sighed and went back to her doll. “Maybe he’s as weird as you, then,” She muttered under her breath.
“Or maybe,” Flies said, “He lost his sister and he’s subconsciously trying to figure out what life would have been like if she hadn’t died.”
The other filly balked and stared hard at Flies. “You know what? I was hoping that we could just play Pretty Princess here, but it seems like you aren’t interested. And at this point, I’d rather play with somepony else.”
“Fine by me. I’ll be outside doing something actually fun,” Flies said and left.
* * *
Flies stood at the train station outside the gates of Canterlot. It was wonderfully easy invading countries in times of peace, especially if you were a one-mare army. She calmly trotted across the bridge and towards the city’s main gate. All she had to do was act natural, and the guards would think nothing of her. They would have no way of knowing that her saddlebags held a weapon of mass destruction, and the drug that was destined to be ingested by Princess Celestia. They would just casually let her into the main gate, not knowing that in a few hours, she would be the one giving them orders. Nothing could stop her now. All she had to do is join the throng of tourists entering the city. Nopony would even so much as give her a second glance. She was ordinary-looking enough to fit in anywhere. Inwardly, she smiled to herself as the gate came nearer and nearer.
“Halt!” Cried a voice. Flies kept walking. There was absolutely no way the voice was talking to her. Her plan was flawless, and she was acting completely natural. Anypony who saw her was certain to think she was any other pony who-
“Flies, stop!” The voice called again.
“Huh?” She turned, and came face to face with a guard.
The guard squinted at her from underneath his helmet. “What’s wrong, Flies? You aren’t announcing your intentions to lay waste to the city today. Are you sick or something?”
“Oh,” Flies said, realizing the only hole in her plan was that she always threatened to destroy the city every time she entered Canterlot, and today she was actually going to make good on her claim but made no such declaration. “Sorry, I was too carried away thinking about the gigantic gun I’m holding and all the drugs I’m going to put in Celestia’s cake this morning.”
The guard grinned. “Now there’s the Flies I know. Come on in.” He beckoned with his spear and Flies casually strolled into the city.
Flies pondered the implications of what just happened as she made her way through the city towards the castle. Perhaps the whole “acting normal” thing was an invalid approach to taking over Canterlot today. She realized that all along, when she was claiming to want to take over Equestria, other ponies hadn’t actually believed her. Along with this came the realization that other ponies probably expected her to talk about taking over the world, and doing so was “normal” behavior for her. She had been proverbially crying wolf the entire time, and now was the time for action.
“Hi, Flies,” Somepony called.
“That’s Queen Supreme Overlord Flies to you, mortal,” She replied out of habit.
The other pony giggled. “Glad to hear you’re doing well. Have a great day!”
Perfect. This was going to go swimmingly. She then remembered that she couldn’t swim. Ok, maybe not swimmingly. Maybe more walkingly. In any case, she was close to the servant’s entrance to the castle, so she jumped behind a bush. When she came back out, she was dressed in a French maid outfit, the perfect disguise for infiltrating the castle. Provided, of course, that Princess Celestia’s servants even wore French maid outfits. To say that Flies had done her research would have been an overstatement. Now, however, was the time to put on her best attitude, for none of the castle’s servants knew her. Now was the time to stop threatening to take over the world. Now was the time to sneak in and put some diphenhydramine citrate in some royal baked goods.
Flies casually strolled in the servant’s door and entered the castle.
Half an hour later, she made her way towards the royal hall, inside which she hoped to find Princess Celestia asleep on her throne. As she neared a bend in the corridor, she could make out the voices of two gaurds.
“…Some of them are really annoying, and I wish they would die. But I wish some of my family members would die. Like my uncle Joe. I hate him. He’s a horrible…”
“Shh, somepony’s coming.”
There was a quick scuffle of movement, and all was silent as Flies rounded the corner and came into full view. She had quickly ditched her French maid costume, and now was wearing a completely insane get-up with tons of earrings, a patchwork sort of dress, and a huge flowery hat. Yet another lesson to not attract attention: Dress in such a crazy manner that other ponies are trying so hard to not stare that they end up ignoring you. She could tell that it was working on the two guards who had been talking earlier; as they stood at attention on either side of the large doors, they darted quick looks at her from the corners of their eyes.
Flies slithered her way up to them and spoke. “I am hereh to zee Prinzess Zelestiyah.” Lesson number three for not attracting attention: Speak in an accent so horrible that nopony can understand you. That way you can talk your way out of anything, because your argument doesn’t even have to make sense if nopony can understand it.
The guards stared at her blankly for a moment, then one of them lit up as he remembered something. “Oh, you’re here to see Princess Celestia. You must be Dark Effect, right?”
“Yez.” Sure, why not? She’d been called worse names before.
“Wait here a moment.” The guard disappeared through the large double doors. The other one stared at Flies a little too obviously for her taste.
“Vat do yoo vant?” She demanded. “In my countreigh, ve shoot ponies hoo beheighve like yoo. Stand at achtension, fool, or I vill have yoo shot!”
The guard quickly darted his eyes away and faced forward. Lesson number four for not attracting attention: Threaten to kill everypony in sight.
The doors opened again and the other guard came out. “You can go in now, Miss Dark Effect.”
“Zat iz Madam Durk Eifecht to yoo, yoo littel bahl of zlime!” Flies said in thanks as she walked into the royal hall. Once there, she immediately dropped the accent. Screaming at other ponies uses far too much energy. She preferred casually speaking death threats than yelling them. Lesson five: change accents constantly.
Princess Celestia was totally awake, which was annoying, but Flies had backup plans. The princess glanced up at Flies as Flies walked in. “Oh, you must be who I sent for to look at the lamp, correct?”
Flies blinked. If Celestia made her do something as boring as changing a lamp’s lightbulb, she would take it and break it over her big ugly face. Also, wow this hall was big. There were all these really pretty stained glass windows everywhere that she was going to totally have fun shattering later. But first things first. Just act rational. Or completely irrational. Either way worked just fine. “Yes.” Flies said. She had no idea what was going on, but when you say “Yes” in a confident tone of voice, it totally makes you sound like you know what you’re talking about. To prove that she was a completely sane and normal individual, Flies accidentally tripped and fell flat on her face.
Celestia smiled, apparently mistaking this for a bow. “You may rise. The artifact is here.” She unlocked a vault behind her throne and levitated a curious-looking teapot thing, setting it down in front of the throne. Flies recognized it as an old oil lamp thing, but that was about as far as her knowledge of ancient artifacts went. Of course, the object was made of solid gold, which Flies remembered was heavy. This made her want to smash it against Celestia’s skull, but she restrained herself for the time being.
“Hmm,” Flies said, scrambling to her feet and regarding the object. “It’s far away.” She was great at stating the obvious in ways that made her sound intelligent. It was, indeed, very far away. She was about halfway down the hall, but the throne, Celestia, and the lamp were still several hundred hooves away. To remedy this situation, Flies teleported. In a flash, she reappeared close to the throne, with her forelegs where her hindlegs should have been. She hated it when she did that. She probably should have paid attention during teleportation class. Ah, well. Pretending that nothing was wrong, she leaned forwards and stared intently at the lamp. “It appears to not be lit. That’s probably important.” She was so good at making up scientific-sounding jargon. “Is it made of solid gold? It looks like it is.”
“Indeed it is,” Celestia affirmed.
“Well, it’s best to be absolutely sure in such a case. We’ll never be able to diagnose what it is otherwise.” Flies levitated the lamp, testing the weight, then smashed it as hard as she could into the alicorn’s forehead.
Celestia did nothing. Her smile didn’t waver, she hardly blinked, she didn’t turn Flies into a frog, and most annoyingly of all, she didn’t fall over unconscious.
Pretending this was just part of the routine of the inspection, Flies turned the lamp over and noted the sizable dent in the portion that had smashed into Celestia’s forehead. “Hmm, yes, it would appear to be solid gold.” She set the lamp down and regarded it once more. “What do these strange runes on the side mean?” If she could read, they would probably say “Rub me” or something crazy like that. “I’m thinking it may date back to the Imgoingtoknockyououtsopleasecloseyoureyes era.” She whipped the gun out of her saddlebags and fired a gigantic laser beam towards the princess. The knockback from the gun blasted her clean across the entire hall. She scrambled back to her hooves, expecting to see a gigantic crater, only to see Celestia, throne, dais, everything unharmed. With a roar of frustration, Flies teleported back to the other end of the hall, which swapped the position of her nose and horn, whipped a spray can of sleeping gas out of her pack, and started beating Celestia over the head with a baseball bat while filling her face full of sleeping gas. “WHY. WON’T. YOU. JUST. PASS. OUT?” She yelled in rage.
After several minutes of yelling, screaming, and beating Celestia over the head, Flies flopped to the ground, panting. “You… You…” She gasped as she sucked air into her lungs.
With a calm smile, Celestia levitated the spray can and baseball bat away from her. “My dear little pony Fancy Butterflies,” She began, “While I…”
That was as far as she got before Flies’ phone rang. Celestia jumped and stiffened at the noise, then flopped over to her side. Flies answered the phone. “Hi, Mom… No, I’m kinda busy right now… Yeah, just knocked out Princess Celestia… No, I’m serious this time… Thanks, Mom. Please send money. Bye.” She tapped the “End Call” button and glanced back at Celestia. “Huh. That’s odd.”
Celestia groaned and began stirring. Flies stuck her face into Celestia’s, and as soon as the alicorn opened her eyes, Flies yelled “BOO!” Celestia yelped, stiffened, then fell over and went limp again.
“Huh,” Flies said again, “Apparently she’s like one of those fainting goats.” She stood there for a moment, regarding the unconscious princess, then shrugged. “Okay then. Everything is going according to plan.” She pulled a body bag out and began stuffing Celestia into it. She cast a listening spell on the guards to see if they had heard and done anything about the commotion. Apparently not. They were having a great conversation this time.
“…Representing that one percent are like I would like to see them run over by a car,” Said one.
“Yeah,” The other guard agreed.
“But there are again family members that you want to see get run over by a car.”
“Yeah.”
“You do. It’s like I would love to see their blood pooling on the road. I would like to then roll around in that blood in celebration. Just the thought gets me…”
By this time, Flies had finished stuffing Celestia into the body bag, dragged it to the door, and pushed it open. The guards immediately stopped talking again, and stood at attention as she dragged the huge black bag behind her. One of them glanced quizzically at the bag, and Flies offered a response to his unspoken question. “Zis iz zee heveighest lamp evah. En mye deigh, ve vould have zis lamp shot vor beink zo heveigh!” Lesson six: Keep a running tally of who you used what accent on. That way it becomes fun when multiple ponies enter a room at once and you have to try to use multiple accents at once.
“Need a hand with that, Madam Dark Effect?” One guard asked.
“Ov courze, yoo lazy zlob! Vat are yoo doink ztandink dere laihk a uzeless zlimeball for? Uzeless zlimeballs get shot en maigh countreigh!”
The guards quickly picked up the body bag with Celestia in it. “Where are we going with this lamp?” One asked.
“Down zee ztreet vith eet, yoo stoopid idiotz!” Flies yelled in his face and led them down the hall.
* * *
Flies stood outside the dark entryway. Everything about this house was abnormal, from the haphazardly-crooked roof to the off-level front porch. Rusted nails stuck out from the wood planks that covered the side of the house, and several of said planks had fallen off. Flies couldn’t blame the guards for dropping off Celestia and leaving as quickly as they had. Everything about the building was crooked, off-center, or just plain wrong. Powerful magic was the only thing that could possibly keep this strange house from falling over, and the earth pony who lived inside sure didn’t cast it. Flies lifted a hoof and rapped on the trapezoidal door with it. Three taps, then two taps, then one tap. She waited for the house’s reclusive inhabitant to answer.
There was a rustling behind the door, and it swung open a crack. One yellow eye poked around the side of the door and regarded Flies. “What do you want?” Asked an old, hoarse voice.
Flies stepped to the side and unzipped the body bag enough to reveal a bound and gagged Celestia. “I want you to switch our brains.”