So I had to pretty much drag Big Mac up to the barn by his tail. Not an easy task, considering the guy weighs a freakin' ton and I'm some wimp who sells paper for a living. I worked up a pretty decent sweat too, considering it was all uphill. When I finally got us up inside the barn, Macky still wouldn't move a muscle. I don't think he was blinking, either, and that sort of scared me. I propped him up on one of the walls that had the least equipment on it. There was so much shit hanging from the ceiling, the walls and everywhere like you wouldn't believe. I mean, I saws at least a dozen watering cans and hoes, and more bridals than I could even count. For the life of me, I couldn't tell you what most of that stuff even did, or why a saddle was necessary for the job. Like I said, I'm not good with all that farm stuff. I spent a little while just looking at all of it, trying to wrap my head around why Big Mac was so enthusiastic about farming and farming accessories. The guy pops a freakin' stiffy every time somepony even thinks about 'tilling' or 'harvesting' or whatever. Its one of the few topics that really get him going, and once he starts its pretty tough to shut his yap.
Anyway, Mac started blinking again after a few minutes, which I considered to be a good sign. I trotted over to him and tried to snap him out of whatever daze he was in.
"Mac?" I started waving my hoof in his face, all obnoxious like. "Hey, Macy! Equestria-to-Hayseed, do you read?"
Without moving his eyes, he said something I couldn't really hear to well. I leaned my head in and motioned to my ear, so he'd get the picture.
"Y-y-you d-don't know w-what you've d-done."
I started laughing my flank off, honest to god. I know it was probobly a really mean thing to do, but just think about it context. This huge work horse is literally scared shitless by a bouncing ball of fluff and sunshine with a name like 'Pinkie Pie'. His voice was all grave and serious too, and I guess i just have a messed up sense of humor. Sue me, I'm only pony.
I guess even I have limits though, because I stopped laughing when he started crying. "A-ah cahn't go tah a party thayt t-thayt, thayt, thing is HOST'N!" He dropped to the ground and put his hooves over his head, shaking and all that. He made these high-pitched little wimpers, which were incredibly disproportionate to his body size."Shey, Shey's uh'n AYNIMAL!!"
I'll be the first to tell you, his accent got hilariously thick when he was upset like that. But he was literally on the ground wailing, which in my book, is when things go from funny to pathetic awful quick. I'm not good at comforting anypony, though. I was pretty taken aback(another fruity little phrase from Carmel I happened to pick up. Don't start me on him again, though. The last thing I wanna do is feel carzy guilty about the whole 'him and Big Mac' thing again) by the whole outburst, too. I knew the guy was scared of Pinkie Pie, but I didn't know he was that scared of the mare. Besides, I didn't even know what went on between the two of them.
Since I'm not a goddam therapist, I just sort of stood there for a bit while he cried. I felt bad, sure, but I didn't want to be akward and start with the whole 'tell me about you foalhood' crap, or give him some Freudian mis-diagnosis about how he was sexually frustrated with his mother( Look it up. Freud was a messed up guy) or anything like that. I thought, hey, eventually the big lug will calm down, and I'll convince him to go and he'll talk to Fluttershy, and I'd talk to Applejack, and we'd all fall in love and get married and have kids, and I could stare at Applejack without looking like a weirdo, and Big Mac could stare a Fluttershy without looking like a weird, and everypony would be happy. Easy, right? All I needed was for the big guy to stop with the water works and the rest would fall into place.
So I sort of side stepped towards him, trying but failing to not be akward. "Uh, come on, man..." I couldn't really think of anything comforting to say, so I put my hoof on his shoulder. "It's alright,buddy... there, there." That's an expression I hate, because when you think about it it actually means absolutly nothing whatsoever, but I was really at a loss of words. "Do... do you wanna talk about it? Hm?" I figured, hey. It was worth a shot, right?
Well wouldn't you know it worked. "A-Alraght... Ya'll promise not tuh laugh?" His accent was starting to go back to normal, which sort of bugged me. I nodded, and he sat up straight, like all of a sudden he was fine. Well, he was still all serius and sad looking, but it was a pretty dynamic shift if you ask me. Anyways, he started telling me this whole story about what happened between him and the pink one.
He cleared his throat. "Well, It happened a few years ago, b'fore Ah met you. Pinkie had always been an odd sort, ever since she headed on in tah Ponyville. 'Course, the first thing she does is throw a party fer every dang pony she laid eyes on. It took her a while, but eventually she'd partied on behalf of everypony in Ponyville. Everypony but one..." He looked down at his hooves and then closed his eyes. I raised an eyebrow. Look, no offense to him or anything, but I was waiting for the juicy bits. Y'know, like finding out that he and Pinkie were actually ex-lovers, or that Pinkie was some kind of super spy working for an underground resistance group trying to overthrow Celestia(I don't know, I read a lot of novels).Anything was possible, if it got him as scared as he was.
He didn't look up, but he looked at me through the corner of his eyes. I looked back, waiting. He sighed and started up again.
"Now, Ah told 'er. 'Miss Pie,' Ah told 'er, 'Ah think it's awful nice of you tah throw parties for everypony. But Ah don't need one, thank you kindly. Ah'm jest not a party pony.' Now, she looks at me like ah'd done broke 'er poor heart in two. Like she was about to cry, or worse. So Ah thought Ah'd just go on an let her have her fun, throw the party. She cheered up at that..." He trailed off and didn't continue.
Man, I'd never heard Big Mac say so much in one sitting. I mean, It's like I told you. He talks more than ponies really know, around his freinds, but he was mumbling a mile a minute, I sware. He seemed less upset now, so I went and asked him "Then?"
"She didn't throw it!" He lifted his hoofs in the air and slammed them into the ground. "Days'd pass, even weeks. I'd keep askin her, 'Miss Pie, hows that party comin along?' An she'd go on and on about how many balloons she ordered, how much cake'd be there, how this was gonna be the biggest bash she'd ever throw. But it never came. Years later, Ah'm still on edge around her, waitin fer her to spring that dang ol' surprise party on me. Every now an again, she'd mention something or other about it on her own, but by that time Ah'd about had it. I couldn't stand to be near her, all that anticipation..."
I kinda tilted my head and looked at him. "...Thats it?" He looked up and nodded.
"No insane attempts on your life?"
He shook his head.
"No secret plots to overthrow the government?"
He shook his head.
"No making cupcakes out of her dead friends!?!"
"Well now yer just being ridiculous."
I sighed violently and advanced on the big guy. I hated to sound like a jerk, but the stallion needed to pony up, for his own sake. "You need to pony up, for your own sake. Fluttershy won't even expect you coming this time, It'll be the perfect time finally talk to her!" I poked him in the chest a few times to emphasize my point. "Besides, Pinkie Pie'll be too busy throwing Gummy's super-duper-whatevermajiggy-party to throw your party, right?"
I think he sensed his own flawwed logic there, but he was still pretty scared. "Ah know, Ah know. It's jest... If Ah could even git to Fluttershy without Pinkie catchin me, I'd let mah dang nerves get the best o' me, Ah know it!"
I thought for a second. "You leave ol' Pinkie Pie to me, got it? I'll keep her off you tail so you can go get some of Fluttershy's tai-"
Guy cut me off with a hoof to face.
"Now you know it aint like that." He didn't shout or anything, but he made his point awful clear. I rolled my eyes at his attempts to be serious, after the whole 'woe is me, I might get a party' act.
"Whatever. Look, I'll make it so you and you-know-who get plenty of alone time. And don't worry about being nervous, I got a plan about that." He raised an eyebrow.
"Macky, ol' pal, It's time you got some mare training!"
He looked at me like I was Nightmare Moon.