Dozing off in my bunk was difficult under circumstances. The constant clicking noise from the door was the kind of distraction that I couldn’t help thinking about.
“Colgate, that lock fits a double sided key with six teeth on each side and with a possible six positions for each of those teeth. That gives you twelve to the power of six in possible combinations. Unless you know how those work, you’re not getting through it.”
The clicking stopped briefly. Then whatever unseen glare she was shooting at me ended and Colgate returned to cracking the lock. I rolled over on my bunk. “Minuette, it’s just like the lock on my vault at home. When I had to open that, it took me a day and a half, specialist tools from my workshop, my mechanical expertise, and generously donated time and magic from Rarity to crack it.”
The clicking stopped again as I said Colgate’s actual name. It was a calculated risk; last time I’d said it, ‘Colgate’ had led me on a merry chase across Ponyville. There was fruit thrown, doors broken, and plenty of collateral damage. The only thing missing had been an upbeat saxophone background track.
After wearing ourselves out, the guards finally caught up and threw us in the dungeon – or the closest thing to one in these parts. The Ponyville Drunk Tank was a barred cage located in the smaller half of the Town Hall’s basement, the rest of which held filing cabinets for the town’s records.
Inside the tank was a very basic bathroom, solid stone floors and walls, and a set of bunks to sleep off the alcohol in. The bunk I’d ended up in smelt like mint for some reason. I couldn’t guess why, but I knew Colgate hadn’t used it.
There was a growl and a rattling from the lock before Colgate stood, turned, and bucked it with “Hyah!” The following crack made my eyes wince. Colgate gasped in pain and fell over onto her back while cradling her hind hooves.
I stared back at the ceiling. Somepony had scratched a dozen marks into the underside of the upstairs floorboards. For example, ‘When it comes to Ponyville’s apples, I’ve got the in-cider story’. Considering the pun, the author had to have been sober enough to write, yet still drunk enough to find it funny.
Across the cell, the opposite bunk squeaked as Colgate fell into it with a hiss of relief. We spent a good ten minutes in silence while I contemplated some mechanical contrivance that I’d never have the time to actually make.
If the hair on the back of my neck was any judge, Colgate spent that time watching me before finally asking, “Why are you so calm?”
I let my head roll over so I could face her and said, “Because we have nothing to worry about.”
“Oh, because you’re some big shot secret agent and you have a get out of jail card?”
“I’m only a consultant,” I replied with a roll of my eyes. “Just try thinking things through, for once,” I finished quietly. “It’s not like we blew up something, the mayor will just pop down here tomorrow morning and ask for an apology before releasing us.” Looking back at the ceiling a thought hit and I added, “You might also have to pay for damages.”
There was a squeak as Colgate shifted to face me properly. “Why do I have to pay for the damages?”
“Because you threw a market full of fruit at me,” I said.
“You were the one chasing.”
“You broke into my house.” I shifted to face her again. “While I’m thinking about it, what exactly were you doing in my house?”
“Well what were you doing in mine?” She was glaring at me again. “You and that damn alarm clock that had your name brass plaqued to the bottom of it. It was in my bedroom! And I’ll bet it was you that stole my toothbrush, messed up my magazines, and took the bookmark out of my novel.”
“I’m surprised you haven’t mentioned the fridge.”
Colgate blinked. “What did you do to my fridge!?”
I tried to grin unsettlingly. “I’ll let you figure that out.”
She pointed a hoof at me. “So you did do all that.”
I held up my hooves and protested, “Innocent until proven guilty.”
“Your name was on the clock,” she charged.
I smirked back at her. “It’s on most of the clocks in town. You could have just bought that one from me and planted it there.”
“You just said you were in my house.”
“Hearsay, inadmissible in court,” I countered.
“So now you’re a lawyer, then?”
“No, I’m better.”
Colgate huffed. “You’re a liar and a cheat.”
I sat up and glared at her. “I am not a liar.” I looked up and down her. “And you’re an obsessive and self-deluded singer.”
Colgate’s eyes widened. “How did you know that? Were you watching me?”
“It’s in your real name,” I explained. “’Minuette’, it’s a fancy word for a song, isn’t it?”
She sighed. “A minuet,” she pronounced it like ‘minu-it’, “is a style of music for a two pony dance in three quarter time, usually characterized by small steps.” I raised an eyebrow and Colgate scratched her head. “I looked it up once.”
“And what does Colgate mean?”
“I saw it on an old tube of toothpaste,” she said quietly.
“I think I prefer your real name.” I laid myself back against the bunk mattress. “I don’t need to tell you what Time Turner means, you’ve seen it. Normally I have to make something up about clocks.”
The name game was interrupted by the loud mechanical sound of a heavy lock turning. The door outside the cell bars opened and ponies walked into the Drunk Tank’s antechamber. Both Colgate and I stood up to walk over to the bars. From outside the mayor walked in, followed by Carrot Top and Lyra. The mayor didn’t look very happy.
“Time Turner,” the mayor began.
Full name... I thought. This wasn’t going to end well.
The mayor continued, “My office has been flooded with complaints, the farmer’s market are crying foul over damages, and Davenport is saying the two of your ruined half his merchandise when you tromped through Quills and Sofas. You’ve been a useful public servant, Turner, but I can’t have somepony working for my office if they’re a problem.”
“Mayor,” I said. “It’s not like we’ve destroyed any buildings.”
The mayor let loose a frustrated sigh. “Don’t remind me about those. Now, your friends tell me that the pair of you have some form of rivalry, and that if it continues it’ll probably get worse.” She pointed a hoof at me, and then to Colgate. “You two are going to sort this out, and so you’re both going to stay locked in here until you’re the best of friends.” The mayor turned to leave. “Miss Lyra, Carrot Top, I hope you’ll help these two see the error of their ways.” Then the mayor left, pulling the door shut behind her.
“Well this is all wrong.” Lyra put her face between the bars. “If anything, I should be the only unicorn behind those bars.”
“Lyra, it’s good to see you,” Colgate said, and the unicorns hugged through the bars.
“Wish I could say the same, but…” Lyra stepped out of reach. “What the hay, Colgate?! I thought you were past all this!”
“He broke into my house.”
“No I didn’t,” I called over.
“Shush, you,” Lyra said, pointing at me but keeping eyes on Colgate. “That’s still no excuse to go on a rampage ‘cross town!”
“He was chasing me,” Colgate added.
Lyra just gave her a blank stare. “Then shout for the Gendarme? Really, Colgate, you’re smarter than this. This is… this is me-levels of feather up.”
“But... I...” Colgate sunk down to the ground with a sigh. “I don’t know anymore.”
“This can’t go on and you know it. I know it, Carrot Top knows it, and Turner probably does too. Speaking of…” Lyra motioned a hoof at Carrot.
Carrot stepped up to my side of the tank. “Turner, Colgate’s going through a lot right now. I thought you didn’t want to make anything worse?”
“I don’t,” I said honestly. “But I couldn’t let her run off for reasons,” I finished with a meaningful nod. Carrot Top was clued in on Colgate’s problem, but Lyra wasn’t. At this point it was best if nopony else found out.
“Turner, try to think about this from Colgate’s point of view,” Carrot asked. She leaned forward and quietly said, “She has every reason to be scared of you. You’re some sort of secret agent sent to drag her to prison.”
“No I’m not,” I whispered back. “And locking her up won’t solve anything. She’s not some public menace.” I spared a glance at the blue unicorn on the ground in front of Lyra. “She just needs help.”
Carrot gave me a look, an unhappy look. “Have you been helping her?” Carrot chided. “And what was that she said about you breaking into her house?” She stared at my face, and the look hardened after a second. “You did.”
“I was just getting her back for the stink bomb.”
“And she did that because you...” she trailed off, leaving the accusation unsaid.
I held up a hoof. “Alright, I get your point.” I scratched the back of my neck. “I may have gotten carried away with the whole prank war.”
Carrot brought a hoof to her face. “I feel like I’m talking to a child in a timeout.” She grimaced. “I’ll be back in a minute.”
“Something up?” I asked.
“Too much orange juice,” Carrot replied. “Go apologize to Colgate, and I’ll be back in a bit.” Carrot turned and walked toward the door, her steady walk got a bit faster the closer she got.
I slunk over toward the unicorns. Colgate was now quietly crying, while Lyra was still trying to figure out what was wrong. Colgate probably wanted to tell her about the whole time thing: the secret former life, and the way she hated me because I’d never been caught. Standing to the side of them, I fidgeted for a moment while I waited for them to notice me.
Lyra looked up from Colgate, glared at me, and nodded at her.
I breathed in, bracing myself. “Colgate, I apologize for putting you through all this. Carrot Top asked me to open my eyes, and that I probably caused you more distress than was needed because...” I looked up at the ceiling. “Because I hate not being even.”
“Turner,” Lyra asked, “Can’t you do better than that?” I could, but it wasn’t something for Lyra to hear.
I met Colgate’s eyes as she looked up at me. “Minuette, I’ll cancel this out in a moment...”
“Minuette?” Lyra asked, confused.
“But,” I continued, “since you’re worried about your future I’ll let you know this: you’re not going to be petrified or imprisoned, the hard approach is for those who threaten others, not just somepony who’s trying to live their life. The EIS just wants me to make sure you’re not stealing from bank vaults and so on.”
“So,” Colgate asked softly. “I’m not going to lose everything again?”
“No you’re not. I’m not going to add you Celestia’s statue garden either.” I rolled my eyes. “That’s just an urban legend anyway. So, will you accept my apology?” Colgate nodded gently in response.
“Alright!” Lyra burst out. “Could somepony explain to me what you’re talking about?”
“Back up,” I murmured under my breath.
“Turner,” Lyra asked, “Can’t you do better than that?”
I gave Lyra an innocent look and answered both questions, “Not really.”
Lyra’s head tilted to the left. “So this is your most sincerest level of sincere?”
“It’s alright, Lyra,” Colgate said as she got up onto her hooves again. “I got his apology, we’re done. Can you get me out of here?”
“Ah,” Lyra rubbed the back of her head. “Can’t do that. The mayor said you have to stay.”
“What for?” I asked.
“You both made a bit of a fracas in the market this morning,” Lyra reminded.
“A fracas?” I asked sceptically. “That chase didn’t even rate as a kerfuffle.”
“Actually,” Colgate added. “I think ruckus might be more accurate, I tossed a lot of fruit around.”
I looked over at Colgate. ‘You know, if you hadn’t run, it would have just been a brouhaha,” I said.
Colgate looked at me weirdly. “What does that even mean?”
“What’s all the hubbub?” Looking over Lyra, I noticed the door was open and Carrot Top had come back.
“Ah, Goldie.” I stepped away from the others so we could see each other. “We’ve made amends and we’re ready to put all this behind us. Can you get the mayor to let us go?”
Carrot shook her head. “Nuh-uh. You’re not done yet. The mayor doesn’t want this sort of thing to happen again, and she needs to punish you two somehow for the commotion you caused. So, doing two trees with one buck, she wants you two to become friends before she lets you out.”
“What?” Colgate said. “Friends with him?” She cried, accompanied by a hoof pointed at me. “You’ve got to be kidding.”
Lyra snerked. “She is kidding you, actually.” She giggled again. “Mayor says she’s going to treat you like kids if you’re going to act like them, and keep you both in detention.”
I groaned. “Goldie, you’ve been here longer, was the mayor the school teacher before Cheerilee?”
“We had a bunch before Lee,” Carrot replied. “But the mayor did sound a bit like a teacher to me. She’s thinking of quizzing you about each other,” she finished with a giggle.
“Great,” I groaned.
“Hey, Carrot,” Lyra said as she stood up. “Why don’t we leave these two alone to get acquainted?”
“Good idea.” Carrot waved. “See you tomorrow, Turner.”
“Play nice, you kids,” Lyra added, and the pair left us alone.
Colgate and I glanced at each other as the door slammed shut. Neither of us made to say the first word. This was going to take a while.
“So, are we going to talk or are you going to brood there for another hour?” Sure sitting in my bunk staring at the floorboards above was slightly more interesting than watching moss grow in the basement’s stone wall, but talking to Colgate could be a heck of a lot more entertaining. We could trade insults for one.
Colgate rolled over in her bunk. “I don’t need to talk to you. I can just sit here and whisper my deep and dark secrets to the wall.”
I sighed. “You know the mayor won’t let us out till we can name each other’s favourite colours.”
“Oh, but you don’t need my help for that,” she argued. “You already have the file listing all my deepest secrets, what do you need me for?”
“That helps me with you, but how are you going to learn about me?”
“I don’t know,” Colgate said flatly. “Could you go get your own file?”
“Nopony can,” I replied nonchalant.
“Oh,” Colgate said sarcastically. “Too secret for normal ponies is it?”
“I burnt it.”
Colgate sat up in her bunk. “Wait, you burnt it?”
I shrugged. “When the EIS and I crossed paths for the first time, seeing what they had on me was the price I bargained for my services. Then I threw it into a fire.”
“What was in it?”
“It didn’t mention my time turn, but it had a lot of detail about the traveling I used to do.” I snorted. “Apparently some twit got it in his head that my wanderings concealed some ulterior motives ranging from ‘gryphon spy’ to ‘thief’.” I shook my head. “Some advice, Colgate, ‘never assume malice when you can assume ignorance’.”
“So they just let you get away with that?”
I nodded. “Siren promised me she’d have any copies destroyed too. She trusts me enough to know I’m not a threat.”
Looking back at Colgate I noticed she’d moved to sit facing me. She held up a hoof and said, “Wait, this ‘Siren’ could do that?”
“I’d hope so,” I said off hoof. “She’s the head of the Equestrian Intelligence Service.”
“You know the secret head of the EIS?” Colgate slid off her bunk.
I supposed Colgate deserved an olive branch and this wouldn’t be giving too much away. “We grew up in the same town,” I said with a shrug. “Good thing too, otherwise she’d never have trusted me, and a lot of things might be different.” For one thing, I might have been given the same treatment as Colgate, forced to give up on my talent and be watched for the rest of my life.
“She sounds like a nice pony,” Colgate said.
I nodded fondly. “One of the kindest ponies I know. Beautiful beyond words too. I had such a crush on her when I was a colt.” My head shook gently as the memories came back. “Everypony did, and she loved everypony back in her own way.” I almost sounded wistful.
Colgate sat on my bunk alongside me. “She sounds perfect.”
“She is.” I nodded. “Too perfect, you could almost feel the touch of destiny on her. The world changed around her like the bow wave of a ship.” I ran my hoof through the air.
Colgate put a hoof around my shoulder. “What happened to her?”
“Destiny got tired of waiting and came to get her,” I sighed. “Then she had to leave Trottingham behind and find out what destiny wanted her for.” Breathing in, I continued, “We were just fourteen at the time and home never seemed quite as bright without her. Once I was old enough, I left Trottingham just like she did to find out if destiny would throw something my way too.” I snorted into a chuckle. “And did it ever.”
“Then you found each other again?” Colgate asked, she almost sounded happy.
“After a few years, but she’d already found her true love,” I said with a shrug.
“Oh,” Colgate sounded disappointed.
“Can’t blame her,” I said. “He had a similar sort of, ‘ooo, destiny’ feel as well.” I waved my hooves around a bit for emphasis. “Fate’s got some plan for them and it’s probably a bad idea to be in the way.”
Colgate pulled me into a surprising hug. “That’s so tragic. You spent years searching for her, only to lose her to another pony.”
Looking down, I was at a loss to understand Colgate. “I just left to find my own adventure and discover myself,” I explained. “This isn’t a romance story.”
Colgate pulled back like I’d just caught fire. “Well I thought for a moment that you might actually be a good pony.”
I rolled my eyes. “Here we go again, you’re still holding onto the idea that I must be a bad pony, like how you clamped onto the idea that Caramel was deeply in love with you.”
Colgate gasped in shock and slapped me across the face. I just sighed and said, “reset”, wiped out the last bit of the conversation – for all that mattered – and caught her hoof. She did try to avoid my block, but without surprise on her side I was still able to stop her.
“I think we’ve done enough of that,” I said flatly. “You got to face up to that assumption problem of yours or Celestia knows what might happen. Last thing Equestria needs is for you to start changing the timeline until you end up with the colt of your dreams.”
Colgate struggled for a moment to find her words. “I’d... I’d never do that. Besides, it’s been proven that it’s impossible to change the timeline using magic.”
“Yet the Sixth Law explicitly states, Thou shalt not alter the timeline, despite conventional wisdom saying it’s impossible. Clearly the makers didn’t want somepony to play around with time magic enough to figure out some form of loop hole and actually manage it.” I gave her a serious glare. “Think about this then, Colgate, time magic is lumped with the black magics because it presents a similar temptation. Once you start using it, you’ll always be tempted to use it to do more, and then you’re on the slippery slope to being declared a warlock.”
“You use yours all the time,” she charged and poked me in the chest.
“Oh I do,” I said happily. “Whenever I feel like it. Back up.” The time turn kicked in and we went back a few seconds before it abruptly stopped. A jolt similar to a static charge pinched me on the flank. “Ouch.”
Colgate frowned. “What happened?” she asked as she looked around.
“The Barrier,” I explained, “The quantum whatever of the universe doesn’t let me run over ground I’ve already changed until a minute or two passes.” I gave my flank a rub. “I’m just a one trick pony, that’s all I can do. I can’t feel trees and grass growing like other earth ponies can. My time turn lets me save my own flank occasionally and cheat at poker games, but I can’t time travel properly and so I’m not a major threat. Somepony with some preparation or luck can still catch me out.”
“I can’t even do that much,” Colgate argued. “I just save myself some time, speed up appointments, or get an extra few minutes here and there. Why am I more of a threat than you?”
“You’re a unicorn!” I was getting more and more exasperated over this. “You might only have one trick now, but whatever you call that spell—”
“Clock-up,” she interrupted.
“Whatever,” I dismissed. “It’s just the beginning. You can learn, or perhaps even invent more spells. Sure I can turn back time, but with a bit of work you might be able to do it too, or even” – a brainwave struck me – “travel through time...” My voice faded.
“Time Turner,” Colgate said quietly. “Why are you staring at me like that?”
Celestia’s sweet flank... I’d spent long nights trying to puzzle out the biggest mystery of my life: my future self. Occasionally when I was alone, and whenever I must damn well please, I’d been visited by a version of me from the future. Never for long, something had always pulled me, or will pull me, back within a minute or two. But it was always long enough to deliver some infuriatingly cryptic message to myself. Sometimes it was a warning, sometimes a hint, but it never made sense until the right moment. For example, I was still waiting to figure out what ‘Always check the fridges’ meant.
I never figured out how he did it, proper time travel is beyond me. But it might not be beyond Minuette. Short of say, Twilight Sparkle, I didn’t know any other unicorn that could do it.
“Are you alright in there?” She tapped me on the head.
“I was just thinking. One moment, I need a drink.” I stood up and went to the sink that thoughtfully combined a drinking fountain for chasing away hangovers, and a washbasin for cleaning what might come back to haunt a heavy drinker. I drank first, and then I filled up the basin to wash my face. Once it was full I stared at the moving reflection of my face in the water and started to think again.
The future is murky, foreknowledge might help light a path, but it can never be fully trusted. For example, if you were told something bad might happen next week, you might find out that by attempting to prevent it you’ll cause it instead. It’s a well-known theory, but the next bit is where it gets confusing. The only thing you know for certain is that you travel back, the events leading up to that can, and will, change.
In laypony terms: The future is a lot of paths and only one is traveled. Foreknowledge will illuminate a point in the distance, but not how you get to or go from there. It makes perfect sense to me, but it’s my thing.
Knowing that Colgate could be the vehicle for allowing my future visitations – or more correctly, a likely candidate thereof – meant that we might potentially have a working relationship. Until I was sure, it was in my interests to keep her close at hoof until things revealed themselves.
Once I finished considering my actions, I returned to the bunk and stood in front of where Colgate was still waiting. “Alright, Colgate, I need to clear something up. Your abilities make you a threat, much like most high level unicorns. I assume you remembered what happened when Twilight had her manic moment a few months ago?”
“The, ‘Want It, Need It’ spell?” Colgate said with a wince. “Yeah, I got hit by that. When I snapped out of it I found that I’d gotten into a fight with Carrot Top over that doll.” Her shoulders slumped. “And I lost.”
I nodded slowly. “So you understand then. You’re a unique threat because of what you can do. But as we’ve noticed, I’m affected in the same way your spells affect you. This means that if one day you went crazy like Twilight did; then I’d be getting an urgent summons to come stop you. Because of that, Siren trusted your apprehension entirely up to me, which means I get to decide the details. You follow me?”
Colgate looked up at me. “So you’re still going to arrest me?”
I shrugged. “Well you’ve definitely broken the terms of your release, which means I’m supposed to.” Scratching my chin I added, “Not a high priority though, it’s down on my list of things to do past fixing the town clock, doing my taxes, and visiting the moon. So as far as you’re concerned, you’re a free mare. And since I’m the one playing judge, you can use your time spells as you see fit.” Colgate’s face brightened considerably. “On the proviso...” I gave her a hard look. “That you keep that obsessive streak in check.”
“Perfectly clear,” she replied with a nod.
Considering, Well, Siren still owes me for Manehatten. She should be able to keep things off for a while. Looking back at Colgate, I could see her sitting straighter and more alert. Of course if she scored a few points with the right ponies then she’d never have to worry about that again.
“Alright,” I said with some enthusiasm. “That’s cleared everything up. Since we very definitely got started on the wrong hoof, let’s try again.” I held out a hoof. “Hello, I’m Time Turner.”
Colgate stood up and brought a hoof up to bump mine. “Hello, Time Turner, I’m Minuette.”
“Nice to meet you too, Minuette.” We bumped. “I get the feeling that this is the start of an interesting friendship.”
“Don’t look.”
“I’m not looking,” exasperation filled my voice. I put my head in my hooves and rubbed my forehead. This is going so well already. “Honestly, why would I want to?”
“I don’t know, just don’t,” Colgate said back. “It just wouldn’t be right if you did.” This objection was followed by a grunt of effort and a rather satisfying plop.
“Sounds like you’re getting enough fibre in your diet then.” The resulting cry of dismay was joined by my laughter. The Drunk Tank wasn’t exactly intended for dealing with privacy issues amongst mixed genders, the toilet for example.
“This is all so wrong,” Colgate said.
“Obviously you’ve never been camping,” I quipped. “Doing it like a bear where the whole forest can see you.”
“Disgusting.”
“At least you have a bidet there.” I could almost hear the involuntary shudder. “You need to get out more, Colgate.”
“I think I’ll stay at home,” she muttered, “Where it’s clean.”
Looking back over my shoulder I replied, “You’ve got wonderful talent, Colgate, but it’s not going to help you if you sit yourself at home singing to yourself.”
“I don’t need to. I have a successful share in the dentistry, a house, savings, friends,” she shrugged, “I don’t need anything else, and you’re looking.” She shot a glare my way, which lost some of its intensity considering her compromising position.
Standing up, I walked her way. “So you’re secure in life. A worthy goal, but that doesn’t make your life well lived. Really a pony should aspire to more in life,” I finished casually as I came to a stop in front of her.
“Oh I’m giving up on love,” she said bitterly. “It’ll only cause problems.”
“Yes it does,” I agreed neutrally. “But there’s more to that in life, there’s adventure, excitement, things to be experienced.” I shrugged. “Travel’s good for that.”
“Do you mind?”
“Sorry.” I turned around. There was the sound of a water stream hitting something, followed by a flush.
Colgate strode past me, shaking out her tail. “So now you’re lecturing me on how to live my life?” She asked as she returned to her bunk. “How much do you make as a timekeeper? I thought it was the lowest wage bracket.”
“It is,” I agreed. “But I sell clocks as well, and I pull in the occasional large windfall. All up I have a fairly significant nest egg saved up in my vault.”
Colgate’s mouth opened a tad. “So that’s what’s in there,” she said under her breath.
My eyebrow rose. “You were interested in my vault?”
“It’s a huge steel vault in the middle of your house,” she countered. “Of course I was interested.” Colgate frowned and added, “I’d hoped taking whatever was inside would upset you after you broke into my house. But I couldn’t open the lock.”
“So that’s why you were hiding in the curtain behind it. Considering how many bits I keep in there: yeah, I would be upset.”
“Why would you keep it there, and not a bank?” Colgate looked at me weirdly.
“If I put it all in a bank it would be a matter of record, and then the tax ponies would start asking if I’d paid enough to cover it.” I gave her an aside glance. “I could travel to the other side of the world and they’d still find me. Best they don’t hear about it in the first place.”
“Uh huh, how much?”
“Somewhere north of six thousand,” I replied matter of fact.
Colgate’s jaw dropped. “How in the hoof did you get that much together?”
“A: Not spending it,” I said, “B: I’m really good at poker, you can guess why. And C: I charge a fortune in consultancy fees when somepony drags me out somewhere.” I shrugged. “Really I’m in it for the adventure, but if they’re going to pay…” I added a meaningful nod.
“Well everything seems to be working out for you,” Colgate grumbled as she sat down on her bunk. “All the adventure, you don’t work nearly as hard as I do, and yet you have money you don’t use.”
“Just because I don’t look like I’m working hard, doesn’t make that true,” I said. “I do a lot, often without much celebration.”
“Like what?” Colgate asked.
“I have helped a lot ponies and saved a couple of towns, though they don’t know it.” I shrugged. “I’ve also stopped a few monsters and the occasional madpony: The Warlock of the Wastes, The Forty Thieves of Freeport, The Vampire of Hollow Shades, and—”
Colgate tutted, and flatly said, “A vampire. Really?”
“Somepony in an old set of Night Guard armour actually. She only thought she was a vampire.” I shook my head. “Missing a few apples from her tree, though that could be said for anypony in Hollow Shades,” I muttered. “Whole town doesn’t get any light under all those shade trees, and not forgetting that their diets are mushroom based.”
“And they never see the sun?” Colgate asked.
“Only at the height of noon, otherwise it’s just dark. They have lamps that are never blown out and burn bright at all times.”
“How can they live like that?”
“Because they always have,” I reasoned. “Equestria is full of strange places like that. How can pegasi live in cloud cities like Los Pegasus? You can’t get a lot of ground based stuff up there, but somehow they managed to find ways to make clouds fill all the gaps.”
“Hmm,” Colgate mused as she scratched her horn. “So it makes sense to them, if not us.” Her eyes wandered back to me. “Are there any other strange places?”
I smiled back at her. “I know this magical city where water flows through carved channels, at once acting as decoration and power source. It’s seasonably temperate despite its high altitude, though winter does sneak through sooner than elsewhere. The streets are paved with marble, and in the markets you can find just about anything for the right price. Music is played in the theatres on a daily basis and actors come from as far as Westmarch to perform, though the best are from Trottingham, mind you.” I leant back against the wall. “It’s the kind of city where adventure can be found around every corner.”
“It sounds amazing,” Colgate agreed wistfully. “Where is it?”
“Canterlot, the capital of Equestria,” I answered.
Colgate slumped forward. “Canterlot…” She held her head in her hooves. “I didn’t even remember it.”
“Something wrong, Minuette?” I asked cautiously. I hadn’t expected this sort of reaction, frankly I was aiming for her to guess and start reminiscing about it.
“It’s just been a long time since I went home to Canterlot. Though in some ways, I never actually went there,” she said mournfully.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked. “The mayor wants me to learn about you, this sounds like the right sort of thing.”
“Okay, if you really want to hear about it.” Colgate laid herself down on her back, treating her bunk like a psychologist’s couch. “My family have lived in Canterlot as long as records go back. We were always good with magic, so when I was old enough to go to school the first place my family sent me was to Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns.” Colgate sighed wistfully. “My parents watched as I went through the aptitude test and had my magical ability rated at beta level, one of the highest scores in my grade. My parents were so proud.”
“So they should have been.” I sat myself down on the hard stone floor beside Colgate’s bunk, posturing myself so I was at eye level with her. “Celestia’s School is basically the be all and end all of magical education – at least as far as I know.”
“It is,” Colgate echoed. “A beta isn’t a common rating. I was expected to be the best, and to match or exceed anything my ancestors had achieved. My parents wanted me to become a magus, or an arch-magus, to be one of those special few unicorns who had a true mastery of magic. I was pressured to succeed, to be the best.”
My thoughts went back to the class picture I’d found in Colgate’s bedroom. “But you weren’t the best, were you?”
Colgate shook her head, rolling it back and forth across the pillow. “Any other year maybe, but nopony at the school in my year, or otherwise, had a chance to match up to Twilight Sparkle.” Colgate huffed, at once frustrated but still impressed. “Betas are rare, an alpha is one in a thousand, but Twilight had a whole new rating made for her: alpha-plus. She was magnitudes above me, determined, and under the Princess’s personal tutelage just so she could make sure Twilight didn’t blow up Canterlot. She was magic in pony form. I was never going to match up to her.
“My parents understood. They were disappointed, but they understood. Instead they challenged me to be as good as Twilight, to match her intelligence if I couldn’t meet her in raw power.” Colgate chuckled bitterly. “Oh how I tried. While everypony else my age was out having fun, I was studying. But no matter how long I spent with my head in books, I couldn’t meet Twilight’s knowledge singularity. I needed more time, always more time so I could catch up and meet her at her own game.”
“So that’s how you discovered your time spell,” I hazarded a guess.
Colgate nodded. “My Clock Up, it got me the extra time I needed. If I paced myself with only a little time difference, I could stretch an extra hour or so into a study session. The first time I didn’t even realize I was doing it, and I didn’t even know my cutie mark had appeared until mother pointed it out when I came downstairs for breakfast the morning after.”
“So it helped?”
“Yep, I finally managed to keep pace with Twilight. My parents were proud, my teachers thought I was incredible, and the councillor said I was on track to burning myself out.”
“Then what happened?” I asked.
The enthusiasm on Colgate’s face faded. “One year during final exams, I burnt my candle at both ends revising everything. I wanted so badly to do better than Twilight that I spent every waking hour during the revision period under the effects of my clock up spell. My days became longer, my sleep pattern dissolved and I didn’t even leave my room. While other ponies were out enjoying Canterlot, I was chasing an impossible goal to the exclusion of everything else.
“Eventually I became manic: crying for no reason, shaking uncontrollably, I shouted at ponies who interrupted my study, and I think I might have missed a few meals. Then when the exam day finally came, I thought absolutely nothing of using my clock up to extend the exam period.”
Colgate shrugged. “I told myself it wasn’t cheating, I was just using my special talent to level the playing field with Twilight and her royal tutor. Better yet, because the exam was only a few hours, I knew I could increase the clock up ratio because I didn’t have to hold it all day. Halfway through the exam the teachers started to talk. I didn’t notice what they were saying because everything else was just so slow compared to me.
“I was on the last page when I was finally tapped on the shoulder.” Gazing up at the floorboard above, Colgate continued. “Instead of stopping, I turned the clock as far as I could while writing as fast as possible.” She snorted with laughter. “I actually finished the last page before the teachers could shut me down. When they did, I collapsed from exhaustion. All my magic had gone into the spell, followed by whatever energy my body could summon.”
“Finally burning yourself out,” I noted.
“Very much so,” Colgate confirmed. “I woke up a day later, under guard, restrained, and with an adamantine inhibitor ring on my horn. They thought I was a warlock. I didn’t do myself any favours when I started to yell back at them, making it look like I’d driven myself mad with forbidden black magic. I was firmly informed that I’d broken the laws of magic and that I’d been expelled from Celestia’s School. If the princess herself hadn’t pardoned me I would have been imprisoned or reformed for what I’d done.”
I ran a hoof through my mane. “That’s a heck of a story. I also see why they thought you’d gone warlock, a lot of them have stories like you. They use dark magic to get that little edge, and then doing it more and more as it slowly corrupts them.” Leaning against her bunk I added, “So how did you end up as a dentist?”
“It was a month before I left my room again. By that time the news had spread: no magic school would touch me, private tutors refused to see me, and the dream of becoming a magus was placed firmly beyond my reach.” Colgate rubbed her horn and said, “The worst part was the way my parents were blamed. They were shut out of the Canterlot Elite and there were rumours about how they were keeping a warlock in a dungeon hidden in the basement of our house. So to keep them safe, I left.
“The princess arranged for me to receive a new identity and career. Since there’s always a shortage of dentists, that’s what they assigned me. I was sent here to Ponyville with a new name I’d got off a tube of old toothpaste to make me sound authentic, and given a traineeship at the local dental clinic. Provided I didn’t use my talents again, and avoided Canterlot, I’d be able to live my life happily ever after.” Colgate sat up. “So that’s my life story,” Colgate said before bitterly adding, “Literally it. I wasted my entire childhood studying and got nothing to show for it.”
“Well,” I said as I stood back up. “That… uh.” I rubbed my forehead. “There’s nothing I can really say about that. That is genuinely frustrating. What you need right now is sugar, and lots of it, preferably in ice-cream.”
“Ice cream?” Colgate’s nose wrinkled. “Do you have any idea how bad that is for your teeth?”
“Stop thinking like a dentist, Minuette,” I told her. “It’s just a job you were given because there was a vacancy. Anyway, you of all ponies should know that as long as you clean it off after, it won’t damage your teeth.” I went back across the room to look under my bunk.
“Well how am I going to clean it off without my toothbrush?” She said after me, somewhat indignantly. “More to the point, we’re locked in here, how the am I going to eat ice cream if there isn’t any?”
“Because we’re going to go get some,” I said as I looked around. “Have you seen my hat? I know I was still wearing it when they arrested us.”
“Why do you need your hat?”
“Because it looks stylish and I keep stuff in it.” Looking through the bars I caught sight of it hanging on the back of the outer door. “Ah, there it is. Minuette, could you bring my hat over?”
“Okay,” she said sceptically. Her horn lit up and a glow surrounded my hat. It floated off the door hook and toward the bars before flipping on its side to pass through the gap.
I took it in my hooves and turned it over to look inside. My pocket watch was still hanging inside along the top of the crown. “Seven thirty, Sugar Cube Corner should still be open for a little while longer.” Sticking my face inside, I used my tongue to pull down the lining and retrieved my insurance policy.
“What are those?” Colgate asked.
Shifting them to the side of my mouth I replied, “Lock picks.”
Colgate blinked. “You keep lock picks in your hat?”
“You wouldn’t believe how useful they are,” I said as I started looking into the keyhole of the Drunk Tank’s cell door. “This probably uses the Town Hall skeleton key, easy to crack.”
“Easy to…” Colgate stumbled over her words. “Couldn’t you have done that sooner?”
I looked back over my shoulder. “I didn’t have my hat before.” Turning back I rolled the picks to the front of my mouth, but before I stuck them in I had a better idea. Looking back over my shoulder again I asked, “You’d be good at fine control, right? Come over here, you’ll be faster.”
“It didn’t work before.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll tell you how this time. You just need to hit the skeleton key tumblers at the end.”
Colgate stepped forward and took the pair of picks out of my mouth. “Okay, what do I do?”
“It’s a double sided key,” I began, “Just hold the picks so their teeth are opposite each other, then reach for the last pair of tumblers and fully depress them before gently turning.”
“It’s that easy?” she asked sceptically.
I shrugged. “It’s just a drunk tank, not the palace dungeons. It also makes it easier to deal with problems if an outgoing mayor forgets to hoof over her keys to a successor.”
“Alright then.” Colgate leant over to look down the lock, deftly manoeuvring the picks with the same skill she’d use with dental picks. She shifted her neck a few times to get the glow of her horn down the keyhole, and she was soon able to turn the mechanism.
I gave the door a push and it swung open with a rough squeak. I took the picks back and returned them to my hat lining. “Come on, let’s go.”
“Wait,” Colgate said as she waited inside the cell. “Aren’t we supposed to stay in here until morning?”
“We’ll be back later,” I reassured her before flipping my hat back onto my head “It’s no big deal. Also, you may not have noticed, but nopony brought us dinner.”
“Oh.”
I led the way back upstairs. Like any true bureaucracy, Ponyville’s Town Hall closes promptly the moment the royal clock hits five pm and the building is rapidly deserted by its workers. Nopony was upstairs to stop us walking out the front door which, in true Ponyville style, hadn’t been locked.
“Alright,” Colgate said, “I’ll just go get my toothbrush and I’ll—”
I stopped her leaving. “Toothbrush later, we don’t have long before the Cakes shut up shop.”
Colgate fell in behind me again with a sigh. She really needed to break some of her habits. If I was going to spend any time around her, her fear of sugar was something that had to be dealt with as sweetly as possible. If you’re going to help somepony change, you need to start with the small things.
Sugar Cube Corner was still open when we arrived, the doors wide open as light flooded out into the evening air. Colgate hesitated at the base of the steps and looked over at me. I nodded for her to continue up. Once she trudged up, we went in through the open door.
Inside was the usual crowd of night ponies. Once the sun sets, anypony with a family is usually at home for dinner and together time. Ponies without families tend to end up in social locations that can serve better food than what they could cook. Those wanting alcohol drift toward the couple of bars in Ponyville, while those who want to satisfy their sweet tooth often end up at the Corner.
The existing patrons were too caught up in their own things to notice Colgate and me walk in, but somepony else did. Pinkie Pie appeared in front of us with a tray full of treats and coffee balanced on her tail. “Hey, Colgate! Huh... where’s the brightest, whitest smile in Ponyville? C’mon, let’s fix that.” Pinkie pointed over at a vacant table and continued, “Your table’s over there, and Turner will be back with your treats in a jiffy.”
“Hang on—”
Pinkie put a foreleg around my neck and started pushing me along. “Come on, Turner, it’s nearly ready.”
“What’s nearly ready?” I asked as I was slid into the kitchen.
Pinkie giggled. “Your special order, silly: the super-fantastical quad-choc apology-fudge.” Pinkie opened an industrial sized fridge, reached in and threw something out over her shoulder. The flying object landed on the bench beside me, bounced off the tiled wall and spun to a halt. It was a thick piece of fudge, and it was indeed layered with four different shades of chocolate and a cherry on top.
My mouth was already watering. “That looks amazing.”
“It’s not done yet,” Pinkie said. She appeared beside me, pulled a facemask down, and produced a welding torch. I barely covered my eyes before the light in the room increased, along with a whoosh sound, and a sudden rise in temperature. When it was over, I uncovered my eyes to see where some of the chocolate had gone molten and how the cherry’s stem had caught fire.
“How did you come up with this?” I asked uncertainty.
“Oh, you told me how you wanted it,” Pinkie said matter of fact.
My thoughts tripped over Pinkie’s comment, did I now… “Well um… I’m sorry, Pinkie, but I bumped my head earlier and I seem to have forgotten. I came in earlier, you said?”
“Yeperooni,” Pinkie said while nodding. Then she produced a notepad and reading from it, she recited, “You said you wanted a table for seven fifty pm, a big bit of fudge for an apology with as much chocolate as possible, and apple fritters for the pair of you. I thought you meant Carrot Top, but you never said who you’d bring with you, so you must have got it for Colgate then.”
“Did I say anything else?”
“Only that, ‘the future is in flux’, and so I shouldn’t tell anypony about it until you ask.” Pinkie shrugged. “So I Pinkie Promised I wouldn’t tell anypony until you came in again, and then you ran off around a corner and there was a flash.” Pinkie scratched “Though I don’t know where that flash came from.”
“Somepony with a camera, probably,” I reasoned.
“That’ll be Featherweight,” Pinkie supplied. “He’s taking pictures of everything.”
So, I thought to myself, Future me is interfering again, and I seem to be on the right path. Looking over at the fudge, I said to Pinkie, “I’d better take this out to Colgate. It should put a smile back on her face. Thank you for this, Pinkie.”
“Oh don’t thank me, thank Mrs Cake for making it when you pay for this tomorrow.”
I suppressed a groan, asking, “How much does this all come to?”
“Forty-five all up,” Pinkie said enthusiastically. “We used a lot of chocolate.”
“I’ll be around tomorrow with the money, thanks again,” I said before taking the plate of fudge in my mouth.
“You’re welcome,” Pinkie echoed.
Nopony paid me much notice until I sat down across from Colgate where she was playing around with a ‘Reserved’ sign while waiting. I plonked the expensive fudge down in front of her. Colgate recoiled back and covered her mouth. “What is that?” came a muffled question.
“Well,” I began, “according to my understanding of the average mare, this stuff is the solution to all of life’s problems.”
“You can’t honestly expect me to eat that,” Colgate said as she pushed it away.
“Colgate, you’re just being grouchy,” I retorted and pushed the plate back. “The sugar, caffeine, and taste of this will help cheer you up.”
“I don’t need cheering up,” she said, but she didn’t push the plate away this time.
I groaned, and kneaded my forehead. “Colgate, I’m trying to help you.”
“You already apologized and promised me my freedom,” Colgate said somewhat appreciatively. She smile slightly and added, “You’ve done enough. You can just get back to your own life, I’m fine.”
“Have you spoken to Carrot Top lately?” I asked.
“Not really.”
“Well, until recently she’d been overworking herself trying to run her farm without her family. She shut herself off from her friends, didn’t take any time to relax, and nopony really tried to interfere.” I crossed my legs on the table and leant forward, asking, “Sound familiar? It’s the kind of problem nopony really sees, and nopony wants to ask for help. Me? I’m a meddler, I’m famous for it. I reached out, and when I saw the problem I helped her. Now Carrot’s got some help from Caramel, her farm is doing better than ever, she’s happier, and we’re best friends now.”
“But I’m not stressed out, I grew out of that.” Colgate brought a hoof to her chest. “I have friends like Lyra and Berry. I have a steady job and a home. My life is stable, there’s nothing to fix.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, Colgate.” I gave her a sympathetic look. “You reached out to Caramel; maybe you were trying to fill a hole in your heart?” Colgate’s eyes wandered away from me. “I think you have one,” I offered, “though perhaps not the one you thought. Your life’s stable, you achieved your goals and now you’re asking yourself, ‘What now?’ You don’t feel satisfied.”
“Well, uh… maybe,” Colgate said unevenly.
“Colgate, you told me today that when you started at Celestia’s School, that you dreamed of being a magus – somepony who could use her skills for the greater good.”
Colgate nodded slowly and sighed as she echoed, “The greater good…”
“You’re not satisfied –” I leaned forward and whispered “– because ‘Colgate’ is what’s left of the crushed dreams you had as Minuette. You’re a dentist. It’s a job that was given to you as an apology when you wanted to be something else. Your flank says you have a gift for time magic, something you’ve been told you can’t have, but you’ve been resisting that for a while now, haven’t you?” Colgate nodded.
I rested my chin on my hooves. “If you want to use your skills, help other ponies, and perhaps see a bit of Equestria, then I’m the right time pony to help you do that.”
Colgate’s eyes widened, blinking a few times as she realized what I was offering her. “You want me to be your… apprentice?”
I brought both of my fore-hooves to my chest. “Do I look like a unicorn wizard? I was thinking something more like…” I spun a hoof around while I searched for the right word.
“A companion?” Colgate offered.
“I was thinking more ‘Junior Partner’,” I said off-hoof. “I’m ready for another adventure, but first.” I tapped the plate with the apology fudge. “I don’t think Colgate would eat this, but perhaps you want to be somepony else for a change?”
“It does look nice.” Colgate lit her horn and picked up the fudge. Spinning it around, Colgate looked at every angle and all the layers of chocolate. I tried encouraging her with a nod. Colgate’s eyes flicked to me, and then back to the fudge as she brought it under her nose to test the aroma. Finally she opened her mouth, steadied herself, and slowly bit off a sliver of chocolate from a corner.
Mouth shut, Colgate leaned back and savoured it on her tongue. A quick intake of breath was followed by a blissful moan, which inspired some jealousy on my side of the table. Colgate’s next bite was a much less subtle chunk, which she chewed on contentedly.
I waited, watching Colgate with my head lying on one hoof while my other hoof played with a coaster. The sight of Colgate’s chocolate covered mouth was strangely hypnotising, like watching a multispectral pegasus crash into a tree. A flash of white dazzled my eyes. Blinking the flash away, I wove a hoof in front of my eyes to see if they were alright.
As if summoned, a shadow fell over the table, followed by a pair of apple fritters being put down in front of us. Pinkie Pie grinned widely at me as she silently stepped back, the party pony refusing to spoil Colgate’s moment.
While Colgate was distracted, I started on my fritter. While an excellent example of the pastry, it was spoiled by a nagging thought that complained about how Future Time Turner had only ordered one plate of fudge.